100 Missions.

Hiya everyone! It's your average, friendly neighbourhood fanfic author here and tonight at eleven…DOOOOOOOOMMM!

Joking, we're perfectly safe, I assure you. Anyhoo, it's MUSICAL TIME at Team Fortress 2 and expect lovely singing all round, even from Demoman! Enjoy.

Disclaimer: Don't own Disney, Flight of the Conchords or any other artists I may use.


Mission Objective 4: Singing in the Yellow Rain or Team Fortress: A Musical!

The RED Medic's eyes cracked open and the sunlight momentarily blinded him.

"Ack! SHTUPID SUNSHINE!" he yelled and threw a rock hidden under his floorboards out of the window at the sun, intent on revenge. He had forgotten to take the distance of the sun from the Earth into consideration however and was left with a pretty rock-shaped hole in the glass. It went really well with the lack of carpet.

"Bah…humbug." Said the Medic after a short pause of realising that he had to fix his floorboards as well and got unwillingly out of bed.

Suddenly, something strange and terrifying, yet oddly pleasant happened.

Jasper got the urge to sing.

"Oh mein gott…I feel all tingly!"

Then the music for Walking on Sunshine blared from some invisible speakers as Jasper whipped his head round wildly, dancing like a homicidal maniac (oh wait…he IS one of those) before bursting into cheerful song.

I used to think maybe you loved me,

Now baby I'm suuuure.

And I just can't vait for the day,

Vhen you knock on my doooooor!

I'm valking on sunshine, woah!

I'm valking on sunshine, woah!

I'm valking on sunshine,

And don't it feel good?

Suddenly, the sound of banging resonated through the bedroom.

"Doc, what're you DOING in there?" Soldier's voice yelled out and Medic straightened up as if nothing had happened. He felt a lot better now.

"Getting ready, kamerad! I vill be out presently."

"Well, hurry up, maggot! I'm a staging a meeting and I want EVERYONE there!"

Soldier sighed and marched away from the Medic's door, entering the Intel room after navigating his way through the boring corridors. A few moments passed and the rest of the RED team shuffled in, yawning and scratching their asses etc.

"Finally! I was starting to wonder whether you'd all fallen down the toilet or something." Lance rolled his eyes at Scout's vacant expression and puffed himself out as he brought out his chest. "This morning is going to be a training session!"

A chorus of groans assaulted his ears.

"Don't be like that!"

Music started up again from some unknown speaker as Soldier got into a heroic pose, slamming his fist into the palm of his right hand. The other members of RED acted like this was perfectly normal.

Spy did not. Wide bewildered eyes glanced around as the whole of RED broke into song.

(Soldier)

Let's get down to business,

To defeat the BLUs.

You're all a bunch of maggots,

You have no clue!

You're the saddest bunch I've ever met,

But you can bet before we're through,

Mr I'll Make a Man out of You.

Spy felt rather insulted as Lance poked a thick finger into his suited chest and he was about to open his mouth to vocalise his complaint when Soldier interrupted with more ridiculous singing.

(Soldier)

Tranquil as a Sniper,

Shooting bullet to brain.

To achieve a crit,

You must be sure to train!

You're a spineless, pale, pathetic lot,

My grandmother's better than you.

Somehow I'll make a man out of you!

(Scout)

I'm never gonna get laid.

(Medic)

Say goodbye to those who knew me.

(Demoman)

Boy, was I a fool for drinking gin.

(Engineer)

This guy's got me scared to death!

(Pyro)

Huddah huddah, hudd hudd!

(Heavy)

Now I really wish I knew how to swim!

At this point, they were all mysteriously outside, which freaked Felix out as they hadn't even moved! Before he could express his concern to his dancing team-mates, Heavy had bodily grabbed him and tossed him into the water coming from the sewers at 2Fort. Spy glubbed as he resurfaced with his arms crossed and a scowl on his masked face, while Lance nodded his wise approval at this act.

(RED)

Be a man!

(Soldier)

You must be as a swift as a speedy Scout!

(RED)

Be a man!

(Soldier)

With all the force of a charging Heavy!

(RED)

Be a man!

(Soldier)

With all the strength of a raging Pyro!

Mysterious as the dark side of the moon!

Time is racing toward us!

Until the BLUs arrive.

Dodge every Soldier,

And you might survive!

He turned on Spy, who had just clambered out of the dirty water and was now dripping wet.

(Soldier)

You're unsuited for the rage of war,

So pack up, go home, you're through!

How could I make a man out of you?

Spy was understandably upset and stamped one of his shiny Italian shoes in a rising temper. Drawing out his butterfly knife, he stormed off to camp outside BLU's base.

(RED)

Be a man!

(Soldier)

You must be as a swift as a speedy Scout!

(RED)

Be a man!

(Soldier)

With all the force of a charging Heavy!

(RED)

Be a man!

(Soldier)

With all the strength of a raging Pyro!

Mysterious as the dark side of the moon!

Everyone grabbed their weapons like nothing bizarre had ever occurred and they all rushed to cover the ground to BLU in the ten seconds before the beginning of the war. It was a tense standoff as RED made it around the corner, just in time to start opening fire on BLU as a few went down immediately, thanks to Spy's sensible act of planning ahead. Spy got out his little black diary and ticked off a few appointments, pleased at the sight of a dinner date with BLU Scout's mom next Tuesday. Again.

Hon hon hon…

Meanwhile, Bryn had parked himself in a nesting spot, eager to use that twitchy trigger finger – after a well-deserved nap, that is.

What? He'd had to first FIND the nest and then CLIMB it! That's pretty hard work when you're a Sniper.

Just before he went to sleep, he spotted the RED Heavy getting a half-assed beating from Seth, the BLU Scout, with a fish no less.

Ooo…that would leave a bruise.

The Welsh sniper shook his head at the terrible sights before him.

"What's the world come to?" he wondered aloud.

"Dunno mate." replied an Australian and Bryn whirled round to stare at the BLU Sniper.

Oh phew, it wasn't one of those damn Australian civilians who couldn't read a map and a bloody big danger sign or a fan girl who had a fetish for Snipers.

Music started up as the two Snipers wiggled awkwardly from side to side with serious expressions.

(Bryn)

There's children on the streets,

Using guns and knives.

They're taking drugs,

And each other's lives.

Killing each other with knives and forks,

And calling each other names like dog.

Wooaahooh.

(Joey)

There's people on the street,

Getting diseases from monkeys.

Yeah, that's what I said,

They're getting diseases from monkeys.

Now there's junkies with monkey disease,

Who's touching these monkeys?

Please leave these poor sweet monkeys alone,

They've got problems enough as it is!

(Bryn crouches next to a beheaded Demoman and looks at him.)

There's a man lying on the street,

Some punk's chopped off his head,

I'm the only one who stops,

To see if he's dead!

Mmmm…

Turns out he's dead.

(Both)

And that's why we're singing.

Why, what is wrong with the world today?

(Joey)

What's wrong with the world today?

Mmdnnnndannay *and other such noises*

(Both)

What…what is wrong with the world today?

Think about it.

Ya gotta think about it!

(Bryn)

A good cop's been framed,

And put into a can.

All the money that we're making,

Is going to the man!

(Joey)

What man, which man, where's the man, what makes a man a man? Am I a man?

Yes…technically I am.

They're turning kids into slaves,

Just to make cheaper sneakers,

But what's the real cost?

When the sneakers don't seem that much cheaper!

Why are we paying so much for sneakers?

When you got them made by little slave kids!

What are you doing here?

(Bryn)

At the end of your life,

You're lucky if you die.

Sometimes I wonder why we even try,

There's a man on the street,

Lying half-dead,

With knives and forks sticking out of his legs.

(Bryn crouches next to a hurt Heavy)

And he's saying;

Owowowowowowoow…

Can someone please remove these cutleries from my knees?

(Both)

*make a variety of noises*

The music ended and the two Snipers blinked owlishly at each other for a moment before getting into an epic Bushwacka fight.

And so, the day continued with mad renditions of songs (including a lovely opera performance of "Peanut Butter Jelly Time" by the two Scouts) and incredible battles scenes that I am far too lazy to describe.

Again…don't question me.

Suddenly, there was a pause in the fight, as the RED Spy finally decided to have his deserved time in the limelight and leapt dramatically in between the warring teams. He opened his mouth to give a beautiful prelude speech about how they should all stop fighting and be friends –

And then there was a massive explosion and they all died.

The End.


Seriously…I have a funny feeling that there will be loads of explosions after this. After all, this isn't a Michael Bay movie for nothing!

*gets bricked*

…Ow. Please review and keep those story ideas for 100 Missions coming in. I really appreciate your ideas. Pop them in my PM box or a review!