Chapter 4: What Do I Have to Do?
She yanked her hand out of his grasp. "I don't want to marry you! I don't want to be anywhere near you!"
"Donna, please, please don't do this to me, I can't live without you!" He clutched at her hand, pressing his cheek against her palm.
"The father's coming to pick me up in like twenty minutes, and I'm pretty sure you don't want to be holding my hand when he gets here!"
Jack stepped in. "All right, that's enough of this," he said, hauling the Master to his feet and dragging him a few steps away. "I'm sending you back, and in a few months' time I better not hear that you been calling Donna again, you got it?" He let go of the Master and hit a switch on his wrist strap.
"No!" the Master shouted, desperately reaching back for her. "Donna, no, I need you, you're my rock, you're my—"
But then he was gone.
Donna blew out a sigh, pressing a palm to her forehead and then brushing hair out of her eyes. "I told you not to bring him here."
Jack looked down at the floor. "Sorry. I was only tryin' to help."
"I know." She sighed again, suddenly realizing how tired she was. "I need to sit down." The Doctor leapt to her side and grasped her elbow gently, leading her over to the jump seat.
"I know where it is," she shouted at him, sitting. Leaning back and smoothing her hands over her belly, she looked up at his slightly hurt expression. "What's your problem?"
He sniffed slightly, his eyes looking a bit watery. "No need to get all shouty." He sat down, but not too close to her.
Jack cleared his throat. "So uh, some of us still want to know who the father is."
Donna groaned.
"Well maybe if you hadn't told both of us it was ours, we wouldn't be so interested."
"I didn't tell you it was yours! The Doctor told you that!"
"Well I thought it was," the Doctor said, still looking hurt.
"Well it's not!"
"Well I know that now, don't I?" he retorted loudly.
"Yeah!"
"Nothing I do is ever right, is it? What do I have to do, Donna?" he yelled back, tears starting to flow from his eyes.
"Oh, don't give me those waterworks again, you're not making me feel sorry for you!" she yelled.
He cried harder.
"Put a cork in it, you big baby."
He sniffed hard and wiped his eyes on his sleeve. "I can't help it if I care about you."
"Just quit it."
"I love you, Donna!" he cried.
"Stop it."
"No!" He sniffed loudly. "I love you, and you're mean to me all the time! I don't know what I did to deserve it!"
"Stuff like this!" she yelled back. "Crying all the time, what kind of man are you?"
"I cry because of you!" Tears were streaming down his face.
"Maybe you should grow up!"
"Maybe you should grow a heart!"
"Excuse me?"
"You heard me," he said with a sniffle.
She slapped him across the face.
He sat there looking stunned and hurt, touching his cheek where she had hit him. His tears were still falling but he was quiet now.
Jack said, "Doctor, she's right, you're being a baby. Now," he continued, turning his gaze to Donna, "I believe you were just about to tell us who the father is."
She crossed her arms stubbornly. "I don't have to tell you, it's really none of your business."
"Well then I'm just going have to guess until I get it right, aren't I?"
She just pursed her lips at him.
"So it's not me, the Doctor, or the Master..." He ticked off on his fingers. That leaves... the rest of the male population of the universe. And some of the females."
"Now, to be fair," the Doctor jumped in, "not all species are compatible. A lot of species could engage in sexual intercourse with a human, sure, though it might not always be entirely pleasurable for either party... And I guess that sort of defeats the purpose, really... But not many species are similar enough in genetic makeup to actually impregnate a human. Only a few I can think of, actually."
Donna was not impressed with his knowledge of alien-human physiological compatibility. "Are you two implying that I would shag an alien?" She fixed them both in turn with a very frosty glare.
"You shagged me."
"Well you look human. That doesn't count."
"Excuse me? I am not the same as a human."
"What, you sayin' there's something wrong with being a human?"
" Erm... 'Course not, no..." He didn't dare say anything different under the intensity of the look she was giving him. ...And he thought he saw her slapping hand twitch slightly. "I'm just saying... Um... That I'm not human," he finished lamely. "But I wish I were, because it's lovely."
"Now you're just lying," she said, only a bit less angry.
The Doctor squeaked very slightly but was spared having to reply because Jack chose that moment to cut back in.
"So who is it, then, if it's not anyone who isn't human or doesn't at least look human—and I gotta say, you're missing out if you're gonna be that picky..."
She narrowed her eyes at him and he continued quickly.
"—but hey, that's your loss, and I respect that... But that still leaves the rest of the male population of Earth, from any time between the dawn of man and the extinction of the species, which is... An awful lot of people."
"A very large number," agreed the Doctor helpfully.
"We're gonna be here a long time, you sure you don't wanna just tell me and save me the trouble?"
She folded her arms again.
"All right, well, let's get started then... I'll start with what I know... Was it Ianto?"
"Very good, you got me first try."
He looked shocked. "Really?"
"No, you prawn!" she shouted at him.
"Owen?"
"No!"
"It wasn't John Hart was it? I know you had your eye on him when he came to help me take care of a little vampire problem we had a while back..." He looked to the Doctor. "Turned out they weren't even vampires at all, they were—"
"Yeah, he's a great shag, I'll give him that, but no, it wasn't him."
"He is great, isn't he?" Jack agreed with a grin. "Did he do that thing with the handcuffs and the Venusian Pleasure Master 5000?"
"No, I don't think he did that."
"You'd remember if he had, trust me. What about the one where—"
The Doctor shouted, "All right, that's enough, I don't want to hear about what John Hart did to Donna while she was supposed to be getting a new cheese grater." He looked at her pointedly.
She shrugged sheepishly.
"Was it... that pirate who flew that nice transport called 'the Millennium Falcon'... Han Solo, I think his name was?"
"No, it was not. And I don't even know why you're asking about him, because that was like five months ago that we met him. You're off by about a month."
"What about that bloke from the Democratic Order of Planets, Captain Brannigan?"
"Zapp? No. And he's definitely not as good as he thinks he is."
"You didn't."
"I did."
"Really? Zapp Brannigan? He seemed so..." The Doctor made a face. "And while I was repairing their food replicator in the galley he came in shouting, 'I made it with a woman! Inform the men!' "
She shrugged. "I thought he might be worth a go. And that was almost three months ago. You're not even trying anymore."
"Was it?" He squinted.
"Yeah."
"Oh."
"Some kinda Time Lord you are."
The Doctor frowned. "Was he not even bothered that you're pregnant? You were showing."
"Why?" She glared at him. "Are you saying I'm not attractive?"
"Of course not. I'm just saying, what kind of scumbag sleeps with the pregnant wife of one of his guests? What if he hurt you?"
"I'm not your wife, thank you."
"He didn't know that."
She shrugged. "Didn't seem to bother him, really."
The Doctor looked angry.
"I'm not even sure if he knew I was pregnant, I didn't get the impression he's seen a lot of women naked."
"I've had him," Jack added conversationally. "And Donna's right, he's not as good as he thinks."
