Author note: I wrote this in response to a prompt, again. It's crack. Utter and complete crack.

You have been warned.

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"Avast!" I said, grumpily as I looked over the railing. " Another French ship, damn it. What are they up to?"

Niko turned, slowly, to face me with his good eye after he brought down the telescope. He'd lost his left eye in a duel with Blackbeard, and for some reason, he never looked inconvenienced by it. If you asked, blimey, Blackbeard had suffered much more for it than Nik ever would. Then again, the captain of the Sea Monster was a force to be reckoned with in the Carribean. My brother had never given an inch, even when those mad-lookin' oyster men had come clambering ont the bridge.

Sometimes I wondered what kept him goin', but I knew it was all about me, deep down. Second on the fastest pirate ship on the Seven seas, I was nevertheless the biggest threat to safety, and he knew it. I never thought about the godforsaken swamp where we'd grown up. Never once.

I think sometimes he did, though. But then at night his bloodsucker woman came out. Sometimes she came on the bridge, to look over me and the boys, dicin'. I didn't really talk to them. Just diced. Gotta keep the boys busy, Niko said.