Probably that was just his twisted way of dealing with such situations, but it hurt blonde so much, he's clenched his teeth and stood up.
- HAhahahhaawooa wait! - Jean stood up and grabbed his arm when Armin was in the halfway to door.
- Let me go. - blonde muttered, trying to free himself from the grip.
- No, wait, I- .. Sorry, I shouldn't have laughed, I just thought you were kidding! Like, you know, that it's some kind of a game and I just thought you'd feel nice if I took the bait.
- Nice of you, now LET ME GO.
- But- Hey, the session has just started, right?
- It's already over.
- Aw come on, I've waited there for you!
Armin didn't respond. He felt too embarrassed to even come up with anything.
- No stupid gay jokes or anything, I swear.
Blonde knitted his eyebrows and looked up at Jean - who was much taller than him - with anger.
- Fine, - he said, turning back. Jean let his arm go. - but if you just try something...
- Didn't mean to hurt you. I won't, you have my promise
- ...Did you just. Promised you'll never hurt me? That's lame, you know.
Jean laughed.
- I guess I did.
Armin sat back at his place, and session went pretty smoothly. Surprisingly, Jean didn't make any stupid homosexual jokes, or anything stupid overally. Blonde was very thankful for that, but also it only raised his interest in Jean.
When he got back home, he took a long shower. He couldn't get the other guy out of his head, and it was killing him. Things like that shouldn't happen, not to him. After all, bi- and homosexuality is said to be mental disorder. And he's a psychiatrist. Maybe a trauma psychiatrist, BUT STILL. It's just... wrong in so many ways. Maybe he should really ask Christa for help...
He felt the hot water running down his hair, back, and legs. Suddenly, a stroke of warmth ran INSIDE his body, too. He raised head, so that the water burst in his face.
He opened his mouth a bit, and a simple picture appeared in his head.
He opened his eyes widely and coughed because water went to the wrong hole in his throat. He leaned against shower's walls. What... was that?!
His mind acted like teenager's, giving him erotic pictures of Jean. Technically, it could be explained by the fact that as a teenager he's never had anything like that. Maybe it came now, late.
Armin swallowed and put his hand on his chest, feeling the fast heartbeat.
The images in his head appeared one after another, and eventually teenager instincts inside him won. He slade his hand down his chest, to stomach, and lower, to groin. He exhaled loudly, and totally fell into it.
The matter of 'wrong' or 'right' weren't important anymore.
He took his member and started off slowly rubbing it, images in his head stronger than his will.
He moaned quietly, moving his hand up and down. In raising satisfaction, he's bent his head back and closed eyes. His mind gave him more and more, dirtier and dirtier. His moves became faster and he swallowed the louder moan, just to let it out the next second.
- Hh.. - he mumbled, feeling how he's closer. - J.. Jean- - he almost screamed the name. Then it all became wild.
His mind gave him the image where it wasn't him taking care of his cock; it was Jean, licking and massaging it, moving it up and down, finally giving him a blowjob. Armin felt the rising desire, and his moves became rough and fast. He moaned and sighed, feeling he's close.
- Ah.. hh.. J..Jea... - he felt all his muscles tense, when the warmth and satisfaction coming from an orgasm reached every single part of his body.
He stood there for a while, breathing heavily, before he realized what just happened.
The white part of the shower wall was just enough of the proof.
But he felt way too good now to even think about it. He swallowed again, and slode down the shower's wall, letting water wash him from the sin.
It didn't take long when he broke down and curled up... and the water from shower blended with his tears. He stuck his nails in the skin, digging deep enough to make it bleed.
- I... - he whispered to himself. - I jerked off... to... a guy.
With last word he stuck the nails even deeper and stayed like that for a few long moments, letting small strokes of blood run down his arms. The water's sounds covered his quiet sobs, and isolated him from the outside world. For a single while, he's thought that it's not a bad idea to just stay here like that forever, in the shower, with water flowing.
...But then the realistic side of him rang in his head, and he realized that they'd sooner or later turn the water off, and maybe even before that he'd starve to death.
And finding a dead psychiatrist, who's decided to stay in shower for eterity, and in conclusion starved to death, his body all rotten, wouldn't do any good.
Armin sobbed once more and stood up. He had to put himself together, after all he'll have another session with Jean tomorrow. And a day after tomorrow. And so on, until the day Jean comes back to reality, leave SINA, and starts a life of his own. And he starts avoiding Armin, because heck, he's such a hopeless doctor, and he's gay, and...
And... and he can't even hold his tears.
Armin sniffed, bundling himself in a towel. He stood in front of mirror and looked at his reflection. He despised himself so much. He washed his teeth and went to bed, hoping to just fall asleep and never wake up.
...But the sleep didn't come. He rolled from side to side, trying to get comfortable position, but he couldn't even close his eyes.
The therapy must end. The sooner the better. He reached for phone and after three signals he heard sleepy voice.
- Yes?
- It's me, Armin..
- Oh for fuck's sake, Armin, you have any idea what time is it?
- Yea, but I couldn't sleep and there's something I need to ask y-
- It's like 3am so goodnight, see you tomorrow, and you're DEAD by the way.
- BUT- THE IMPULS! - Armin called and his voice cracked. Rivaille was just about to put the phone down, and he'd rather throw it at wall than answer again. But now, after such desperate scream had came from Armin, there was a silence.
- Armin, did you cry?
- I... No! - his voice showed pretty well how big of a liar he was.
- And you couldn't sleep beca... fuck, wait a second.
The sound of putting phone on the table was heard, and Armin could very well imagine how Rivaille takes all his pillows to sit comfortable. But there was also a quiet, sleepy 'Leviii...' in the background, and blonde flinched at the thought of his boss sleeping with someone in one bed. Because... Really, RIVAILLE? No, Armin must've heard wrong.
- Now. - Levi said after he took the phone again. - What about the impuls?
Armin hesitated for a moment. What if it'd be too obvious? Christa surely told their boss about today's situation, and now Armin calls him at, like, 3am to ask about such thing...
But if he just said 'nevermind' and put the phone down, he'd not only be jobless, but also most propably DEAD.
- See, the therapy lasts six days now. - he said slowly, watching his words. - And I... I wonder if,
- If it's soon enough to use an impuls?
Armin thought about it for a while.
- Y..Yeah. Jean hasn't shown any signs of aggression, and other than being convinced that all of this Titan stuff really took place, he's acting really normal.
- Okay.
- Hm..?
- Okay, then, you can.
- Oh, th.. thank you.
- No problem. It's all your decision. If you'd like to use it even earlier, you could, and I'd have no right to stop you.
- Right..
- But since it's your decison, you take all the consequences.
- I.. I know.
- Using an impuls could either drag him out of it, or...
- ...or make him fall into madness, I do realise that.
- It's end of the therapy in case of either.
Armin didn't respond. Was it selfish, what he was planning to do?
- Armin. - Levi sounded like he rubbed his temples - which was what he was probably doing. - It's all your choice, but you have to remember that it won't inflict only you. - There was a while of silence. - ...It can end him.
Armin nodded, even though Rivaille couldn't see it.
- Y..Yes. I'll keep that in mind.
- But he's your patient and you know best when he's ready for an impuls.
- I guess...
- Now, were you really crying over this indecision?
- Rivaille, do you think it's okay to fall in love with a mentally sick person? - Armin was half asleep already, so asking this didn't seem wrong at all.
Levi looked at the side of his bed, where Hanji slept, and smiled lightly to himself, sighing. Of course, Armin couldn't see that, so for him it was like a while of silence, followed by a sigh. But his boss anwered, answered with a sentence Armin didn't expect.
- I guess it... It is, Armin.
Blonde felt too exhausted to even ask, but seems like he didn't have to, as Rivaille quickly added:
- But don't you dare telling anyone, you little shit.
Heh. Seems like the usual Levi is back, after a moment of being more human than ever.
- I won't. - Armin said quietly, feeling how sleep takes over him. - Thank you. - He added after a while.
He could be dreaming already, but he could promise he heard Levi snorting, before ending the call.
The next day was a Hell from the very morning.
Armin overslept, and in the end he didn't eat his breakfast, put the first clothes that came in his hands, and didn't even bother checking if he's got everything. He jumped in his car and noticed he doesn't have keys. Cursing under his nose, he ran back to the flat and picked them from the table.
He's almost bumped into two cars on his way to work, but he's got to SINA only ten minutes late.
- GoodmorningsirImsorryImlate - he spit out, entering Levi's office, panting.
- Armin, you look AWFUL - Hanji raised her eyebrows.
- No, he doesn't! - Christa smiled kindly. - He just... he could use a hair brushing and maybe a quick morning shower...
- Just get to work, Arlert. - Rivaille cut the talk, frowning at him from his papers. As if their night talk never happened. - And if you're late again, wave goodbye to us.
Armin nodded.
- Yes, sir... -sorry.
He went to his office and fell on his chair and tried to calm his breath for a while. Darn, he couldn't remember when was the last time he had ran so fast.
The pile of papers were shining at him from his desk, but he knew there was something far more important he had to do.
Swallowing his own fear, he opened the door. He peeked inside, hoping that somehow, by a miracle, it'd be empty. But it wasn't.
- Good mornin', doc! - Jean smiled to him from behind the table.
Armin suddenly remembered the previous evening. He could feel his throat blocking, and he cleared it quickly. He had to be strong.
- Overslept today? - Jean tilted his head. - You look really bad, y'know.
- Thanks, yeah. - Armin sat in front of him and put a few paper folders on the table.
- What's that? - Jean leaned over the documents curiously.
- The truth.
