Chapter Four

He did come to the precinct the next day and the two following days. He'd helped solving the case, like so many times before, but the light in his eyes was gone. Though he had gotten all excited when he'd told them his theory about what had happened in the forty-seven seconds before the bomb went off. But when the adrenaline had worn off, he had shut himself off and left the precinct with nothing more than a mumbled good-bye.

"Everything okay?" Lanie's quiet voice startled Kate and she looked over her shoulder at her best friend.

"Define okay."

"Have you talked to him?"

The case had occupied all of their time, so Lanie didn't get around to grilling Kate. She didn't know if her friend had talked to him. He seemed relaxed, but Castle was very good in putting up a show and she wasn't as good as Kate in reading him. Kate looked back at the three men sitting at Ryan's desk, chatting and laughing. On the outside it seemed as if Castle was his old self but he couldn't fool her.

"Yeah, we've talked." Kate replied, a hint of sadness evident in her tone.

"I guess it didn't go as planned."

"Not exactly." Kate's gaze returned to Castle, her heart pinched when she saw him throwing his head back as he laughed about a joke of Esposito. "But I guess he reacted better than I could have hoped for."

"What happened?" Lanie asked softly, laying a comforting hand on Kate's arm.

"It's complicated." Kate sighed, her gaze still glued to Castle.

"Complicated?" Lanie snorted and Kate shot her an accusatory glance. "Sorry, but that's a real understatement. If you would make a TV show out of your relationship, the viewers would tear out their hairs in frustration."

"Very funny." Kate scoffed, folding her arms in front of her chest in a defense gesture, her hand tightening around her coffee mug.

"Do you wanna talk about it?" Lanie asked concerned. "We can have a girl's night. Drink some wine and bitch about men. It might make you feel better."

"Did I lose him, Lanie?" Kate suddenly asked out of the blue, her voice thick with anguish.

"No, you didn't." Lanie reassured her, following Kate's gaze, feeling her flinch under her hand when they heard Castle's laughter from the opposite side of the room.

"No?" Kate asked not convinced. Apparently Castle was having fun talking to the guys. She hadn't seen him laughing since he found out about her lie.

"I've seen how he still looks at you when you are not watching him. You didn't lose him." Lanie squeezed Kate's arm, trying to comfort her. "Though I have no idea what you're waiting for? Both of you."

"I don't know what you mean." Kate furrowed her brows in confusion.

"Should I hold a mirror in front of you two every time you look at each other?" Lanie asked, rolling her eyes in exasperation when she saw Kate's baffled expression. "Before he knew that you've heard his love confession you could already see the longing in his eyes and in yours." Kate opened her mouth, but Lanie just continued speaking without giving her a chance to interrupt. "Ahh, don't deny it. You know it's true. I don't know what happened, but you don't look as if any of the sexual tension is resolved. It's worse than before. It almost hurt physically watching you now."

"Because we didn't solve anything." Kate admitted, her voice barely above a whisper. "He didn't believe me when I told him that I love him. Releasing pressure by having sex is the last thing I should be concerned about, but ..."

"But you are thinking about it?" Lanie said knowingly.

"Yeah." Kate stated slightly embarrassed, her cheeks turning a light red.

"You still want to tear his clothes off?"

"It's all I can think about." Kate said tiredly, the fingers that weren't wrapped around the mug, digging into her arm as if she needed to feel the pain. "Every time I look at him, I wanna grab him and throw him in the observation room and just go for it."

"Why are you so surprised about it, Kate?" Lanie shook her head in disbelief, smiling slightly when Kate looked at her wide-eyed, clearly dumbfounded by her question. "You wanted him for years and always denied yourself to admit it openly. Now that you did, you can't bottle it up anymore."

"It's driving me crazy, Lanie." Kate balled her hand into a fist, looking as if she wanted to punch someone or something, before she added barely audible. "I even dream about him."

"Ahhh, the kind of dreams where you wake up and believe that you can still taste him, feel his skin under your fingers? The kind of dreams where your whole body is still trembling with pleasure?" Kate only nodded and Lanie sighed. "I know these dreams."

"It's insane, Lanie. I've never even kissed him except of this one undercover kiss."

"But if I've understood you correctly, even this kiss was off the chart incredible. You've told me that you even forgot for a split second that it was supposed to be fake."

"Why do you have to remind me of it?" Kate lifted her hand and pinched her nose, closing her eyes as memories of the kiss were running through her brain. His hand in her hair, his lips pressing against hers.

"That bad?"

"He doesn't even want to be touched." Kate opened her eyes slowly,

"What do you mean?"

"He was always this touchy guy. Always teasing and invading my personal space. Yesterday I leaned over him, to grab a file and put a hand on his shoulder. It wasn't even intentional. It was just for balance."

"What happened?"

"He jerked back as if he was bitten by a snake." Kate pressed one hand into the door frame and Lanie could see the hurt in her eyes. "He looked at me as if I had just punched him, mumbled something about having a date with Alexis and rushed out of the room as if his pants were on fire. Literally!"

"Maybe he just needs time." Lanie stated softly.

"I know. But I miss him." Kate sighed, her gaze leaving Lanie for a split second, following the unbearable urge to see his face. "I miss the lightheartedness. I miss our banter. That's exactly what I've feared would happen when we would give in and act on our feelings."

"The problem is, Kate, that you haven't acted on your feelings. You are in love with each other and are acting as if you've already tried a relationship and failed. But that's not the case. You haven't even slept together."

"But it feels as if I've already lost him before I even had him. Lanie." Kate said, her voice full of desperation. "I don't know how often I fantasized about having sex with him over the last few years. There were a few close calls where I've almost given in to the temptation. Sometimes I wanted him so bad that only his hand on my shoulder made me want to jump him right then and there. But I didn't want to ruin our friendship. Looks like I didn't need to have sex with him to ruin everything."

"You believe you and Castle are friends?"

"Of course we are friends. Well, we were."

"You were never friends, Kate." Lanie replied, harsher than she'd intended to. "From the moment you've met you wanted each other. He might be your partner, but he is not your friend."

"But ..."

"He is the first man who'd come so close to your heart that you've feared how much he could hurt you." Lanie said emphatically. "You pushed him away. Over and over again. Even after he declared his love to you, you are still hiding behind your wall."

"I'm not hiding!" Kate shot back exasperatedly. "You know I didn't want to have a half-hearted relationship with him. I want it all and the wall was really there."

"Kate, this wall had already crumbled a long time ago." Lanie said softly. "He'd already broken through it without you noticing it. You never wanted him to be your friend. You wanted him to be your partner, at work and at home. You want to share your life with him." Lanie paused briefly, realizing that Kate was struggling to hold herself together, but she was determined to force her to face the truth. "No, Kate. You've never been friends. Deep down you've always fantasized about sharing a bed with him. From the moment he'd suggested it after the first case he'd helped you with."

"He could be one of my conquests?" Kate asked, a small smile appearing on her face as she remembered their first case together.

"Yes, and don't tell me that you weren't tempted."

"Ohh, I was tempted." Kate chuckled, when a picture of him, with his irresistible smirk, popped up in her head. "His 'it would have been great' made me tingle in all the right places. But he was a playboy back then, had four women at each finger."

"But he isn't a playboy anymore." Lanie felt the need to point out.

"I know."

"He's changed, Kate. I'm pretty sure that you are the reason why he even wanted to change.

"Lanie, I've told him that I would prove it to him that I love him. But how should I prove it apart from telling him over and over again that I'm in love with him?" Kate asked hopelessly. "I can only respect his wish and give him time."

"Then give him time."

"I can only hope that giving him time is good enough."

~C&B~

It became harder and harder from day to day. When he'd told her that he needed time, he didn't think it would become that tough. Seeing her every day was torture. Seeing the brief flicker of hope flaring up in her eyes every day, made his heart ache. He didn't even know why he'd told her that he couldn't believe her, when his whole body and heart begged him to just pull her in his arms and kiss her senseless. But he couldn't deny that a small part of him had doubts that she really meant what she was saying.

But having doubts didn't mean that his body didn't react to her. When she'd leaned over him, laying her hand on his shoulder, her hair brushing over his cheek, her unique scent waving over him, he jumped in surprise, putting much needed space between them as fast as he could, desperately trying to suppress the desire that had hit him unprepared. He had seen the hurt in her eyes and he had rushed out of the room, before he would grab her and kiss her hard. Before he would press her into his body, showing her exactly how much he wanted her.

But he'd restrained himself, fled the scene before he would have done something he would regret afterwards. He knew making love with her would be amazing, but it wouldn't resolve anything. The first time he shared a bed with her, he wanted it after they'd put everything on the table and dealt with it. He hadn't forgotten that he had a secret too and that he needed to tell her the truth eventually. But their relationship was strained enough right now and he didn't think it was the right moment to tell her, though he wasn't even sure if there would ever be a right moment.

He'd remembered the first time she'd found out that he'd gotten involved with her mother's case and it hadn't been pretty. Of course he'd convinced her to stop looking for her murderer because they'd threatened her life and he would never forgive himself if anything would happen to her. She almost died in his arms once and he would never forget this day in his whole life. He would sacrifice almost everything for her.

Pushing her away from her mother's case, had felt like giving up on breaking through the wall she'd mentioned on the swings. But he didn't give up. He'd been convinced that he could reach her heart without endangering her life again. She'd assured him that he had succeeded. She'd told him she loved him. So why was it so hard to believe her? He knew she'd been hiding in meaningless relationships with men she didn't love. How could he blame her for wanting to be sure that it wouldn't be the same when she started a relationship with him?

He should feel honored that she didn't want to hide behind the wall anymore. She chose him to be the one man that could find his way to her heart and according to her she'd already let him in. But he was still too scared that everything she'd said would turn out to be a dream, a figment of his imagination. How could he be sure that his desire for her hadn't driven him nuts?

"Castle?" Are you still with us?" Esposito's voice cut through Castle's musings.

"Huh?" Castle had a hard time to get back to the conversation, his thoughts still with Kate and the strained situation they were currently in.

"What's going on with you two?" Ryan asked him curiously.

"You two?" Castle asked nonchalantly, stalling them in the hope that they would just drop it.

"Don't play dumb here, bro." Esposito folded his arms over the back of the chair. "You know damn well of whom we're talkin'."

"You can cut the tension with a knife." Ryan added, leaning forward in his chair, eager to hear how Castle would try to explain their strange behavior.

"Nothing is going on between us." Castle stated calmly. "I just wish you would stop giving every move of us a deeper meaning."

"Yeah, right." Ryan huffed sarcastically. "As if nothing between you two has a deeper meaning."

"Nothing has changed." Castle repeated. Maybe if he'd said it often enough he could even convince himself that it was true.

"You really wanna make us believe that nothing has changed?" Esposito asked incredulously.

"Like I said. We are just doing our jobs. Well, she does hers and I'll tag along."

"You're forgetting that we work side by side with you for almost four years now." Esposito said. "Even longer with Beckett. There is definitely something different. I'm just not sure what."

"How about you two mind your own business and do actually what you're getting paid for?" Castle replied icily.

Ryan raised his eyebrows in surprise and looked questioningly at his partner. There was definitely something wrong. Castle normally didn't mind getting teased. He'd always taken it lightheartedly in the past and let them pay for it a few days later with some prank he'd come up with. Esposito just shrugged his shoulders, as clueless as Ryan about the reason of Castle's strange behavior.

When they looked back at Castle, he'd returned his gaze to Kate who was standing in the break room, talking to Lanie. Suddenly she looked up and her gaze fell on Castle. The moment their eyes locked, the room seemed to charge with tension in seconds. Something did happen, something that had changed their dynamic completely. They didn't even blink, engaging themselves in a silent staring contest. Suddenly a shudder went through Castle's body and he jumped out of his chair.

"Gotta go, guys! See ya tomorrow."

Kate followed him with her eyes until the elevator doors closed behind him, gulping hard to get rid of the lump that had suddenly appeared in her throat.

"Scratch what I just said." Lanie's voice cut through the silence. "You gotta do something, girl! Before Gates catches you two staring at each other like that. She'd throw Castle out faster than you can blink."

"That's the problem, Lanie. I've just told you, I don't know what to do."

"Maybe you should just jump him." Lanie stated matter-of-factly. "Set the sheets on fire. I'll bet he wouldn't say no."

"Yeah, brilliant idea." Kate replied sarcastically. "We just bury all the problems by having mind-blowingly fantastic sex."

"Just sayin', girl!" Lanie grinned. "You've waited for so long, it's gonna be one hell of an explosion."

"Maybe you're right! Maybe I'll just seduce him and fuck his brains out!" Kate grumbled exasperatedly.

"Katherine Beckett! Language!" Lanie wagged her finger in mock accusation, holding her straight expression up only for a few seconds before she broke out in laughter. "If you don't have sex with him soon you're gonna go up in flames by self-combustion."

"I swear I'll combust right next to him and take him with me." Kate grunted. "Maybe we can have sex as angels on cloud nine."

Lanie held her stomach, the laughter shaking her whole body. "You're killing me! I can't breathe!"

"At least one of us is having fun!"

"Talk to him, Kate." Lanie said after she was finally able to stop laughing. "If you don't intend to, like you put it, 'fuck his brains out' you have to convince him otherwise."

"Easier said than done."

"He'll believe you eventually. Your love to him is written all over your face. He'll see it. It can't get more awkward than it already is."

"I'll give him one week." Kate stated in determination. "If nothing changes I'll talk to him."


Completely unrelated note: I was listening to the Buffy soundtrack while giving this chapter its finishing touches. I should really only listen to these kind of songs when I'm writing fluff. Now I'm in a weepy mood because these songs always remind me of the saddest TV love story of all time.

I so hope Ausiello's blind item is about Castle and Beckett. My shipper heart would get a heart attack seeing it on screen. Until then I'm looking forward to your reviews. :-)