Kyle sighed heavily, smashing his face into the pillow of his room. His other self leant against the wall, fingers pinching his nose in mild irritation.
"Jeez, you sure do know how to fuck up, huh?" The red-eyed version sighed, smiling weakly as if it was just a joke.
"Mro mruck moo" The other moaned, words muffled by the pillow, much like a certain someone.
"How many times now? 5? Seriously, I don't think I've ever seen a guy be so crap with the ladies" He laughed, reminiscing the past failures.
If anything, Kyle's screw-ups had been a wonder in themselves. As the common saying goes, you learn from your mistakes. But in this world, it seemed mistakes didn't help shit. If anything, they served as nothing more than a constant reminder of how you fucked up.
Even so, seeing a guy trying to act smooth, but ending up tripping on a runaway raccoon and falling in a trash can truly was a beautiful sight.
Kyle rolled over, clutching the pillow to his chest. He was sick of it. Just fucking sick of it. How much longer did he have to put up with this world? Everything was just so…fake. Stan was too fucking popular. Kenny was too fucking hot with the chicks. Cartman was too fucking thin, or at least thin compared to his regular size. Everyone was just too fucking fake. It was ironic, really. Stuck in a world replicating your own exactly, but everything's just too damn fake.
"Tell you what- Since you're fucking up so much, here's the deal. All you have to do, is get her on a date and kiss her. Just one kiss, kay? I'm not being soft on you, it's just because this chick is too plastic for me. I wanna move on to the hot, sweaty man buttsecks" His lips curled into a pervy grin, his eyes drifting off in a fantasy, a sparkle in them that was all but innocent.
Kyle's response was a moan of complaint, followed by shoving his face into the pillow again.
"Fine" The word came out, muffled, but comprehensible.
"Fabulous! Now, to get you into the mood, how 'bout some 80's love songs and rock ballads to get you pumped?" Internet Kyle grinned enthusiastically. Using his magical internet powers, he grabbed an old-fashioned gangsta radio out of nowhere, and rested it on his shoulders, letting the music play.
"And we can build this dream together, standing strong forever, nothing's gonna stop us nooooow! And if this world runs out of lovers, we'll still have each other, nothing's gonna stop us noooooow!"
The radio blared, filling the house with tunes that made it near impossible not to want to sing along.
"Kyle, dammit! Turn your stupid 80's rock ballads off! I'm trying to do homework!" Came the yell of Ike, who for some strange reason, had become a fucking genius in this world. If anything, the cry was somewhat ironic. A mirror of words previously said in a mirrored world.
A muffled sigh.
"Let's just get this over with."
"Sounds good, Kylie-boo"
"Stop calling me that!"
School had always been an interesting place. It was many things; an unsafe 'learning' environment, a house of disappointments, but above all, a shithole. Quite literally, ever since the boy's toilets broke and a hole was dug out back to serve as a temporary replacement.
Despite this, things always happened. Random things that you'd usually forget the next day, but entertaining in the moment kind of things. Things like when one kid coughs like a swanky donkey, and everyone thinks it's fucking hilarious. Yeah, that kind.
Kyle sighed deeply as he sat in class, listening to Garrison announce the new girl's arrival for what was likely the seventh time. Each time, he seemed to get even more unenthusiastic.
Alexis-whatever-the-fuck-her-name-was sat down, like always, behind him, whilst internet-Kyle found ways of busying himself, like sitting cross-legged on the heads of various students, all unaware of his existence, with his retro boombox blaring 'Shut up and Sleep with me', as it was apparently good for 'setting the mood'.
Garrison then set to work, handing out an assignment on various methods of creating toast, before plonking back to his swivel-seat and pulling out a slightly dog-eared copy of 'Phallus' magazine.
"Hey, guys, I bet you could make toast by grilling it on the flaming farts of Cartman after burrito night!" Laughed Token, the class soon joining in, minus Alexis, who was apparently too cool and mature for fart jokes.
"Ey! Screw you Token!" Cartman pathetically retorted. In the midst of the argument, Kyle turned around to face Alexis.
It was time to set his failproof, genius plan into action.
"Hey, Alexis. Want some gum?" He said, full packet of Chubbly-Bubbly-Wubbly-Gum-Wums in hand.
At the mention of the word 'gum', the room fell silent.
"Gum?" Someone perked up like a curious meerkat.
"Who has some?"
"Dude, Kyle has gum!"
"Yo, Kyle! Can I have some!"
"Kyle! Dude! We were partners in that 'How many poptart flavours are there?' project last year!"
And very soon, Kyle found himself, surrounded by practically everyone in the class. His instincts kicked in- Or maybe that was just some crazed gum addict. Then he ran. He fucking fled, running out the room, only catching Garrison's threat that he'd give him detention if he didn't give him some gum.
Ignoring this, he ran as fast as he could, until he slid around a corner and pressed himself against the wall, panting heavily. All was quiet, tranquil and peaceful, until a low rumble sounded in the difference. It grew in intensity, and it was in that moment that Kyle knew he was fucked. Royally.
The rumble transformed into a raging mob, all screaming different pleas for gum. It was like every fucking class in the school had discovered in that space of a few minutes.
"Don't these people have anything better to do with their time?" He said, looking around for an escape, when Mr Mackey stood before the stampede.
"Now, don't you all know it's bad to mooch gum off others, mmkay?"
Kyle sighed in relief. His saviour had finally arrived!
It was short-lasting, however, as the crowd tramped the bulbous headed teacher until he was the same consistency of a pancake.
"FUCK!" Kyle cried, as he resorted to his final escape method. He tossed the gum packet into the crowd like a grenade, and leapt through the window, glass flying and screams of victory and determination echoing behind him as he braced himself for the impact…
…that didn't come.
He looked down, finding he was on top of Alexis.
"Ah, what the fuck! Jesus, are you fucking crazy! Get off of me, fucking creep! Only my baby Harry Styles can do this to me!" She squawked.
"Nicely done Romeo! Here's your chance to plant one on her!" Internet Kyle laughed, chewing some gum he'd salvaged from the chaos.
"And hey, I still want that gum. You ran away after offering some, which is pretty fucking rude" She demanded, arms crossed in a position all men knew was dangerous.
Nearby, internet-Kyle was now playing 'Kiss the Girl' from the Little Mermaid. Fucking great, now he was playing Disney songs? What next? Justin Bieber?
Fuck this situation.
Fuck internet Kyle.
Fuck her.
Fuck everything.
Fuck the guilt he felt for what he was about to do.
He shoved her down, and ungracefully slammed his lips onto hers, as she wriggled around, trying to free herself of Kyle's grip. He quickly pulled back as she slapped him across the face, and screamed for the police, who had coincidentally been in the area after the gum incident.
Officers came around the corner, and upon spotting them, quickly grew closer. Kyle's eyes widened in fear, jumping off her and backing away.
"Ah, fuck! It's the po-po! Come on Kylie, let's ditch this joint!" His red-eyed counterpart yelled, throwing on a pair of sunglasses and roughly grabbing Kyle's wrist, dragging him to a pink Cadillac that was certainly not there before, and throwing him into the passenger's seat, where he hit his head off of the pink fuzzy dice.
Internet-Kyle leaped into the driver's seat, and stormed down the road, full throttle as the sirens of the police cars followed menacingly.
"HOLY FUCK! ARE YOU TRYING TO KILL US! THERE'S FUCKING ICE ON THE ROAD, YOU DIPSHIT!" Kyle screamed in a macho-manly fashion, clutching any part of the fluffy interior of the car in a death grip.
"Heh, screw the rules! Live a little Kylie! We're being chased by the cops in this badass-mobile, how cool is that?" He grinned manically, now donning a fluffy feather boa to match his car.
"It's not fucking cool at all! Where the hell are we even going?!" He screamed, rigid with fear.
"To the next fic, my dear! My Kyle-Kar isn't just damn fine looking, she also has inter-fic transportation abilities!" He announced with great pride.
'At least it isn't another damn white light' Kyle thought as the two sped down the road, to the sound of Kyle's screams and the Kyle-Kar's radio, until the sirens faded and the Kyle-Kar disappeared into a fabulous sparkle.
A/N: What's this sorcery! An update?
The songs aren't mine. Neither is South Park. I just own all the stupid shit, like the ever-fabulous Kyle-Kar.
Also, one thing I should mention – When I started this, I had considered using real fics, but I've decided against that because-
1. I'd have to ask for the Author's permission, which could take a while or be a refusal, and I can't blame them, since I am taking the piss out of pretty much everything here. I don't want to hurt the feelings of amazing authors, or belittle beautiful fics! I'd also be scared of any hate I'd get for doing so.
2. Creating my own fics allows me to do whatever I feel like – More creativity = More shits and giggles! It helps the plot advance! :3
However, I'll try to add some elements of requested fics, but only vaguely, because I wouldn't want to be a copy-cat.
Thanks for reading! Have a day as fabulous as the Kyle-Kar!
-Cookie
