I'm ba-ack, and I'm not gonna be leaving any time soon. I have returned from my long exile, and I don't think you know how blessed we are as fans to have this site.
Disclaimer: I finally bought all the rights for The Hitcher, Scream, Dead Silent, Nightmare on Elmstreet, The Hills Have Eyes, Friday The 13th, The Texas Chainsaw Massacre, Psycho, Stephan King's Storm of the Century and Evil Dead. Unfortunately, I lost them horribly and tragically, and now I'm back to writing fanfic. So I don't own them anymore.
Hope you like this chapter, because I had to go through hell for it. I may have written a few stories for TtH, but this is where my fans are.
Happy Hills, 3rd floor
The blond man named Jack Ryder was in his cell, patiently waiting for a chance to get out. In the cell right next to him was another killer named Bob. Both thought themselves to be the most legendary killers here. Then again, most of the psychopaths here thought themselves to be legendary. Bob had been in some Enzyte commercials before he snapped and massacred several people he didn't even know, while Jack had been blown up by the wife of a man whom he had killed while hitchhiking. He was known as the Hitcher, since that was how he met most of his victims. Neither of them knew about what went on in the basement of the building.
The security guard named Bill was thinking about drugs, alcohal, and porn when it happened: the doors of all the cells opened. Knowing that he would be surrounded by homicidal psychopaths in minutes, he pulled out his gun and started to run for his life. He turned a corner only to find a large amount of psychopaths heading his way. He tried to turn back, but he was surrounded. He tried to shoot his way out but Jack grabbed his gun and shot him through the gut. Bob found an axe in a glass case conveniently hanging on the wall. The last thing Bill heard before he was decapitated was "Maybe you should have tried natural male enhancement."
Happy Hills, 1st floor
Killers rushed down the stares, and piled into the elevators, all headed for the first floor. The psychiatrists were all pretty much dead, and the surviving security guards all fled the building. The janitors were right there with them. Murderers of all sorts swarmed out of the building. In the chaos, another elevator opened up: the one that led to the basement. Unlike all the others, this group was organized, and they were far more dangerous than the rest. Linoge had freed all the killers above to make escape easier. He knew nothing of the fate of what he was after, but he did know who might know where it was. Thus, he planned to take Ashley J. Williams alive. He sent Jason on a special mission. "Jason, remember the people in the shiny badges that made it so hard to kill those deserving teens? Well I know where they reside, and I need you to take care of them for me..."
S-Mart Super Center
As Ash drove to S-Mart to pick up his girlfriend, he found that it was in chaos as people wielding every tool item in the store that was potentially dangerous rushed out. Without a second thought, he ran inside. People in what appeared to be hospital robes, were stealing everything that wasn't nailed downed down.
A man who looked like the guy from those stupid Enzyte commercials ran at him with a scythe and yelled "Looks like you should try natural male enhancement!". He caught the scythe as Bob tried to slice his head of with it. The man then pulled out a drill, but he caught it with his robotic hand. "For you information, I don't need your natural male enhancement to fell good about myself," Ash said as he broke Bob's wrist "unlike you, Micro-dick." he then punched Micro-... Bob in the balls with his metal hand, causing him to let go of his scythe. He then sliced Bob's... lets just say Bob got circumsized, shall we? "Problem with using Enzyte to solve all your problems is that you can make it big, but ya can't grow it back." Just like that, a long line of annoying commercials ended.
Several other killers saw what happened and turned to face Ash. "Come get some," he said. Five killers ran at him, two with drills, two with knives, and one had a board with a nail in it. He made quick work of them with the scythe. He then noticed another killer wielding a chainsaw, with a leather bag over his face. He recognized the killer immediately, and knew that it was hopeless to fight this guy with a scythe. While Ash was very brave, he wasn't fearless, however, he had always faced his fears before, and he wasn't afraid of Leatherface. As Leatherface reved up his chainsaw, and did his famous dance, Ash said "Come get some,"
He swung his scythe at Leatherface, but the chainsaw cut the sickle in half, leaving him with a wooden stick. He backed away from the killer, and tried to hit him with what was left of the handle, knowing it wouldn't work. Leatherface reduced the remains of Ash's weapon to sawdush. Ash knew he was screwed, but he then noticed something that made his near doom seem a hundred times worse: Leatherface was wearing high-heals. I'm about to be killed by a retarded transvestite, he thought Boy am I gonna be the laughing stock of heaven.
Meanwhile, Ash's girlfriend, Lisa Stroder, was having her own problems. A psychopath wearing what appeared to be a spray painted William Shatner mask, was hunting her with a knife. She grabbed a nail gun from the shelf next to her as she was running, turned around, and shot out both of his eyes. Good thing Ash taught me how to shoot, She thought to herself, though I doubt he ever thought I'd have to shoot a homicidal, William Shatner wanna be in the eyes with a nail gun. While this would have at least knocked out any normal man, it merely blinded Michael Myers. He started wildly swinging his knife in front of him, but she just crept out of the way, and hit him from behind with a conveniently placed chair. She was long gone by the time he got up. As she ran she noticed one of those new, solar-powered chainsaws; unlike other chainsaws, they didn't need to be revved up, and could be started by flicking a switch. She grabbed it off the shelf; she figured it would be a great present for Ash.
Ash backed away from Leatherface, and searched the ground for a weapon. It was at that moment that a miracle happened. His girlfriend saw him, and threw the chainsaw to him. He caught it with his robotic hand. He had seen ads for the new solar-powered chainsaws on t.v., but didn't know how to start it. "How do you start this crazy thing?" he yelled to his girlfriend as he dodged Leatherface's chainsaw. Lisa pulled out an instruction manual, and started to read it, while Ash continued to avoid being sliced into pieces by Leatherface. "It says 'to start the engine, pull the yellow switch' " Ash complied; the engine started, but the blades didn't start spinning.
"The book says 'there is a space in the back of the chainsaw, put one hand in that space and grab the handle inside, you will notice there is a trigger attached to the handle, pull that trigger to make the blade spin." Ash reached into the space with his metal hand, and did exactly as he was told. The blade began to spin.
"Thanks, Candypants," Ash said to his girlfriend. He then turned to Leatherface "Come get some, girly boy." The great battle began, chainsaw against chainsaw, until only one remained standing. Meanwhile Ash's girlfriend, unaware of Jack, who was right behind her, continued to read the directions out loud. "We hope you enjoy you new, solar-powered chainsaw. Please be careful, chainsaws are not to be played with. Remember, it's all fun and games until someone gets hurt."
I kind of figured you guys were itching for some Ash-kicking, so I put some in this story. I will try to update as much as I can during spring break, but I'm behind in alot of things, so I'm gonna have to bust my ass to get caught up afterward. I hope you liked the violence, and the humor. I got the ideas for Leatherface wearing high-heels from "TCM: Next Generation" wear he is a transvestite. I thought that was kind of stupid, but it seemed like a good way for Ash to diss on Leatherface.How am I at writing fight scenes? I kind of feel guilty for not updating the Smasher for a while, but there is only one person bothering to write reviews for that story so I am working on the one that is better liked. Sorry Gooey. I'd like to point out another good story at the moment: "Ash Goes Horocrux Hunting" by the Sacred And Profane. It was one of the two main inspirations for this story. It's a good story, but be warned, there's a reason it's not in the Harry Potter section. A new chapter was recently added, you should read it. Please R&R this story.
