"It's unlike you to get your own drinks, J. Where's Harley?" asked Two-Face, as Joker handed him a beer.

"Gone," retorted Joker. "Gone for good. Kicked the worthless little brat out this afternoon, and I ain't ever taking her back. I don't need her, after all, and all she is ever does is nag and cling. From now on, it's no women for the Joker. I'm swearing off them forever."

"Uh…great," said Two-Face, slightly uncomfortable. "This…doesn't have anything to do with why you asked me over here, right?"

"Of course it does, Harv," replied Joker. "Thought I'd celebrate my newfound freedom by sharing a beer with another guy. Because this is what life is about, two guys hanging out together, am I right?"

"Uh…sure, right," muttered Two-Face, glancing at the door.

"I mean, everyone knows the bond between two men is deeper than the bond between a man and a woman could ever be," continued Joker. "Men just get each other. Like me and Bats. I know he feels like I do – that ours is the most meaningful relationship we both have, or ever will have. He's reluctant to admit it, but he knows in his heart that's true."

"Uh huh, look, J, I'm not really into…relationships with men," said Two-Face, slowly. "Not that there's anything wrong with your choice of lifestyle, but it's just not for me. So if that's what you asked me over to talk to me about, I'm flattered, but really not interested."

Joker stared at him. "What the hell are you talking about?" he demanded.

"You…uh…weren't coming on to me?" asked Two-Face, slowly.

"Why would I be coming on to you?!" demanded Joker. "I don't swing that way, and even if I did, I think I could do better than a guy with half a face!"

"Screw you!" roared Two-Face. "Anyway, you were the one talking about how you were swearing off women forever! What was I supposed to think?!"

"Look, if I was gonna make a move on you, you'd know," retorted Joker. "I ain't exactly a subtle guy. I'd have opened the door not wearing any pants."

"I think it's that romantic charm that Harley is really gonna miss about you, J," said Two-Face, sarcastically.

"Yeah, she'd better," agreed Joker. "I hope she's in real pain right now, sobbing her heart out. That'll teach her to be a jealous, paranoid, insecure brat."

"Well, like you said, she's gone for good now," said Two-Face. "You won't have to deal with her anymore. Let some other guy handle that bundle of crazy."

"Yeah, that's all she is, Harv," agreed Joker. "A bundle of crazy."

He sipped from his beer bottle. "Still, she was…my bundle of crazy," he muttered. "I drove her to that, y'know. It was all my doing. If you'd seen her before, boring, straightlaced little nerdy shrink, and look at her now – a little package of dynamite, all homicidal and hyperactive and...hot."

"Well, c'mon, J, you gotta admit, she could be quite the handful," said Two-Face.

"Yeah, there was that too," sighed Joker. "Especially her ass. Round and perky and you just wanna spank it through that skintight costume…"

"I meant…handful in the figurative sense," said Two-Face, slowly. "As in she was a lotta effort. Some other guy's problem now, though."

"You don't think she's moved on already, do you?" asked Joker.

"Are you jealous?" asked Two-Face, surprised.

"No, not jealous," he snapped. "Just…curious…in a possessive sort of way. Guy can be interested in his property without caring about it, can't he?"

"I…guess," said Two-Face, slowly. "If you don't mind my asking, what caused your split this time?"

"I don't wanna talk about it," muttered Joker. "Suffice it to say that Harley's a paranoid dame, and she's so pathetic that just because an attractive woman shows up at Arkham and starts flirting with me, she becomes all insecure! I tell ya, it's hard to be as handsome and charming as I am sometimes," he sighed. "You get all kinds of attention from gorgeous women, whether you want it or not."

"Well, why didn't you just tell Harley she had nothing to be jealous about?" asked Two-Face.

"I ain't gonna pander to her ridiculous paranoia!" snapped Joker. "She should just trust me! Anyway, I try not to reassure her about my feelings for her ever – keeps her on her toes and eager to please me. She'll do just about anything to hear me say 'I love you' so I gotta save those expressions of affection for when I need her to do things for me. I'm not just gonna throw it out casually, or because she's insecure. The only point of being in a relationship is to use it to your advantage."

"Well, it's…good to know you know what love is," said Two-Face, slowly.

"Of course I do, Harvey!" snapped Joker. "It's…y'know when you're full of rage, and you just wanna kill something, and there's that pretty face, smiling trustingly up at you, gazing at you with those adoring blue eyes, and you think it would be so easy to break that face and strangle that smile but…you don't. That's love."

"Uh…huh," agreed Two-Face. "Well, frankly, I think you're both probably better off without each other."

He took a sip of beer. "Out of curiosity, who was this other attractive dame who showed up at Arkham?" he asked.

"It was me," said a voice from the doorway. They both looked up to see the Sparrow standing there, a knowing smirk on her face and holding her cigarette holder.

"Got bored waiting for you to call and just stopped by – hope you don't mind," she said, striding into the room. She snapped her fingers and a henchman came running into the room, hurrying to pull a chair out for her. She sat down opposite Joker and Two-Face and snapped her fingers again, and the henchman removed her cape, leaving her neck and shoulders bare. Then he held out an ashtray for her to tap her cigarette into.

"Now beat it," she said to the henchman, crossing her legs and puffing on her cigarette. "I wanna talk with the Joker alone. You can go too, half-face," she said, nodding at Two-Face.

"It's Two-Face, actually," growled Two-Face. "And you are?"

"I'm the Sparrow," she replied. "Gotham Cleverest Criminal."

Joker laughed humorlessly. "Oh, not this again, toots," he snapped. "Just give it a rest, would ya?"

"And what makes you think you're smarter than both me and J?" demanded Two-Face.

She leaned forward and blew a cloud of smoke in his face, smiling. "One, because I found this hideout on my own. Two, because I run eight criminal empires in Chicago, New York, Las Vegas, and parts of Mexico. Three, because I have better things to do with my time than dress up in a stupid costume and fight another freak in a stupid costume night after night. I've realized, which neither of you idiots have, that Gotham isn't the only city out there, and it certainly isn't the most profitable city out there for a real criminal. But then I guess neither of you really count as that."

Joker chuckled. "I gotta admire your balls, toots. Figuratively speaking, of course. At least, I hope it is. Did you used to be a guy? It would explain how you nearly beat me all those years ago."

"You nearly beat J?" asked Two-Face, grudging admiration in his voice.

"Mmm, I humiliated him completely too," murmured Sparrow, grinning. "I still think about it when I need something to get me really excited. The Joker tied up and at my mercy, heading into a circular saw…"

"Wow, you are one creepy dominatrix, toots," retorted Joker. "It ain't right for a dame to get off on a guy's pain and humiliation."

"Oh, a lot of men I've met have enjoyed it," she murmured, grinning. "You'd enjoy it too, J-man, if you'd just let me take charge…"

"The answer is no, toots," he snapped. "I ain't gonna work for you. I ain't gonna be anybody's henchguy."

"Is that what she wants?" asked Two-Face. "For you to be her Harley?"

"Why not? He's almost as pathetic as she is," said Sparrow, blowing out a cloud of smoke.

"You take that back!" demanded Joker. "Nobody's as pathetic as Harley! Also my doing, thank you very much! See, toots, I do the controlling, not the other way around!"

"Oh, you'd love it, J," she replied. "Don't tell me you haven't fantasized about being dominated by a strong, powerful woman. All men have."

"I haven't," snapped Joker. "And neither has Harvey! Have you, Harv?"

"I plead the Fifth," muttered Two-Face.

"Oh, that's right, I forgot you still hook up with the Weed Lady, whose greatest ambition is to castrate anything in pants, both figuratively and literally," said Joker, rolling his eyes.

"Sounds like we'd get along like a house on fire," said Sparrow. "Maybe I'll get her to work for me next."

Two-Face snorted. "Yeah, good luck getting Ivy and J to work together."

"Oh, I can be very persuasive," murmured Sparrow, smiling. "For instance, I think you'll want to leave the Joker and me to our business. Don't you, Mr. Half-Face?" she asked, pointing a gun at him.

"Seriously, where are you keeping these guns?" asked Joker.

Two-Face glared at her. "It's Two-Face," he growled.

"I don't care," she retorted.

He studied her, then cleared his throat. "Y'know, if things with J don't work out, I would certainly consider some kinda partnership with you, Miss Sparrow."

"And I know just what kinda partnership you have in mind, Harv," said Joker, rolling his eyes. "You oughta be ashamed of yourself, you sorry excuse for a man! You see what happens when you let a dame be in charge of things?" he asked, gesturing at Sparrow. "Eight successful criminal empires! What would the world be like with that kinda efficiency? No fun, let me tell you! You know what happened when Harley took charge once and tried to kill the Bat?"

"Yeah," said Two-Face, nodding. "She nearly succeeded."

"Exactly," snapped Joker. "Batsy would be dead now if women ran things. And think about what kinda horrible world that would be!"

Two-Face looked at him, and then turned back to Sparrow. "Call me," he muttered, tossing his card at her and heading out the door, leaving Joker and Sparrow alone.