Hey everyone! As you can guess this is from Yamamoto's point of view. Just wanted to say thank you for all the kind reviews and I always strive to reply to them! But there are some I couldn't reply to because some do not have an account but I appreciate these reviews just as much! So thank you to 10th Squad 3rd Seat, Blushband and Syrlai!
Hope you enjoy this chapter!
I've always liked the rain. Always. As a kid I would run outside on a rainy day to splish and splash in the puddles and relish in the gentle feel of cold pebbles falling from the heavens colliding with my skin. My Pops would always come out with the intention of bringing my inside but it was all in vain. A few minutes after coming outside he would have me atop his shoulders and we would sing our hearts out while running in the refreshing down pour. Put it down to both our own preferences or that my Ma loved the rain but it was always a...great thing when it rained. Ma's love for it couldn't help but rub off on both my pops and I and, after her death many years before, it was a gentle reminder of what once was. It allowed us to be with her once again in a strange sort of way. It's a lot like Hayato and the piano. The piano, for him, is a reminder of what once was.
But as look out my window now I simply cannot help but hate the rain. Loathe it even. Because it's thunderous in sound and since we read Tsuna's letter over seven hours ago, it hasn't stopped. I can't help but think that it looks like the sky is mourning and crying. Heh, it's like Tsuna is crying. Silent tears pour down my face continuously, just like the rain drops on the windows dragged downwards by gravity. Just like the rain outside.
It's silent and dark in my room. I don't think I could bare any noise just yet and light...well, until the morning comes that's out of the question. All light pales in comparison to the thought of having my Pops and Tsuna back. I run a hand through my hair. God help me I have never felt so lost. First my father and now the man I considered my brother? It's too much...it's way too much. I haven't moved from my position beside my bedroom window since I left Hayato. That was over five hours ago. I can't help but try to get my head around the fact that tomorrow, and the day after and who knows how long after that, we would be carrying on this battle without our sky. It's like...trying to eat soup with a fork. Sure it's not impossible but it's so hard to do. I honestly can't think of a better way to put it. But no matter, we'll do it. Vongola will do it. We have to; loosing was never an option and victory was always a must. I have nothing if not absolute trust that Tsuna has something up his sleeve. But this hope doesn't help to extinguish the pain I, or any of family for that matter, feel. It's hard. Sure Tsuna said to have hope, to gather in arms, to be patient...but we didn't even get a plan. And I can seriously see where Hayato was coming from,
'We are being cornered like rats and I know we need to stay strong and have hope, believe me I know, but I just don't know how we can get through this without Tsuna. Dammit Takeshi...I know there has to be a way through this but at the moment I just can't see one!'
I understand him completely. His words on how he felt...how the emptiness in his heart hurt...everything. They make sense and everyone feels the same. It's not just about how the Vongola family feel but about how we all feel as people and as a family. In all my twenty-four years of life, I never expected to feel like this and, for as long as I live, I never want to feel like this again. I don't think my heart could take it.
A humorless laugh escapes my lips as memories come back to me. Memories of a happier, more sinless time. A younger time with a younger famiglia enjoying the afternoon sun at the park came to mind. Back when everything was pretty simple. Well yeah, sure, we had our moments of difficulty but our only wish was to all be together. To smile, laugh and fight side-by-side. Of Hayato shouting at me or Lambo or Ryohei for God knows what, of I-Pin, Lambo and Fuuta running around merrily, of the girls chatting away happily with Bianchi whilst Chrome smiled sweetly and listened, of Hibari napping against a tree with a huge scowl on his face, of Mukuro popping up for a while to spend time with us, it was his only true escape from his prison (even if it was only for a little while). But most of all it was the look of absolute joy written all over Tsuna's face when he got over the fact that the baby had suddenly landed on his head, as per usual. Of all of us going back to my Old Man's sushi diner and having him welcome us all warmly.
It was when I realized that the Mafia wasn't a game we simply played and we were all in it together for the long haul.
But I remember, my mouth now a somber line on my face, when I started thinking that there was more to this 'game' than I had originally thought. I know I was a bit of an air head but there was no mistaking the murderous intent of a group of killers, of watching my friends win, loose and suffer, of the feel of Squalo's sword slicing my flesh, of the burning need to prove myself, of the searing pain of poison in my veins...of thinking that the days were numbered. No, there's no mistaking that.
But there was no mistaking the almost painful relief when, no matter how battered we were, no matter if we won or lost, we would return alive. The joy we all felt when we proved our worth and came out victorious fair-and-square. We weren't the butt of the Varia's jokes and we could all see the vicious gleam of pride, relief and joy in the baby's eyes. We finally made our mark as a complete family and it felt good.
But now...those great feelings are being taken away and we're barely hanging on. Without Tsuna, the baby, the Ninth or even the Varia we are just weak and ignorant middle schoolers all over again. And no matter how much we try...it just never seems to be enough. Just a few days ago the Vongola head quarters was attacked and now it lies in ruins. Four hundred years of history and memories gone within a few minutes. Our second home, which was eventually going to be our official home when full power was transferred to Tsuna when the Ninth passed away was obliterated. We barely have a home to return to and the Ninth is gone; he disappeared in that attack. The underground base is good for now but it's not...home. I can't explain it but the base is so full of tension and we can never rest peacefully like you can in a home. It's walls are bare and not cosy unlike in a home. But beggars can't be choosers.
I'm kinda glad that my Old Man isn't alive to see all this. To see this destruction and uncertainty. I couldn't even break it to him that I am in the mafia. I guess it gives me a bigger reason to keep on fighting, so that everyone (on the whole) can have parents to return to when all is said and done. I don't think I could bare to have him suffering anymore than before he died. I have to swallow a lump in my throat; the pain of loosing him is still too fresh and raw. I also feel like a let down. I was right there with him trying so hard to defend him and yes I defeated all the Millefiore grunts, but they still took out my Dad. I wasn't strong enough to protect him just like I wasn't strong enough to protect Tsuna. The scar on my chin is my everyday reminder of how I tried so hard to defend him but it's also the proof of how I failed...how I wasn't strong enough and how my resolution was as weak as I am. My own father and brother. I couldn't save either of them and that will haunt me for eternity. It would be nice though to have him around, just to know he's still around and that I can talk to him readily. I really miss him and Tsuna.
I can't dwell on that though. I have to have absolute faith in Tsuna. He hasn't failed me before. How could I ever doubt the man who once saved me from throwing myself off a roof? How could I ever repay his kindness and his friendship with doubt? It would be like chucking those gifts right back into his face. What kind of person would I be if I did that? I know who I'd be. I'd be just like the Millefiore and for as long as my heart still beats (and even beyond that), I will never become like that. I have to make Tsuna and my Pops proud. Proud to say that I'm their brother and son. So I will keep strong and I will keep my head held high no matter how painful life is at the moment.
A sob forces it's way out of my mouth and my breath hitches. I shudder uncontrollably as I run my hands through my hair. Yeah, life is really painful at the moment. The pain is raw and sensitive. It strikes me at every waking moment and even my dreams are plagued with it; turning them into nightmares. It's honestly not fair at all. Just like Hayato, just like everyone, I'm asking God 'Why?' How can he stand by while we suffer so? While the whole word suffers? While the world looses it's kindest and one of it's most precious people? Was he there when Tsuna was gunned down? Is he with him now? To be honest, I could spend a lifetime trying to figure out the answer to those questions (and questions like them) but it wouldn't matter. I would never get a straight answer anyway.
I look down at my watch. 10pm it reads. I've missed dinner by a long while but I'm sure nobody is hungry, I know I'm not but it doesn't hurt to eat something. After all, I haven't eaten since yesterday. I get up stretch my stiff limbs. I go to my bathroom and wash my face, horrified at my haggard appearance in my mirror. Is that really me? My eyes are lifeless, my usually spiky hair is drooping, my mouth is a firm line carved into my face, my skin is sick-looking, I could go on and on and on. It's amazing how stress and grief can change a person so much.
I change my suit for more comfortable jogging bottoms and a polo shirt and I make my way out of my room. As I grab my door knob a thought comes to me. What am I doing? I said I would keep my head held high and be strong yet I'm walking out my door with my head hung low! If I carry on like this... No, I have to rise above the pain and trust Tsuna. He has something up his sleeve and I just have to believe in him. I can't keep waiting for people to pick me up every time I'm down and out. We've all been stuck in our rooms, I know because the mansion is eerily silent. We can't do that! We need to stick together and figure something out. After today we can't afford to wallow in our misery. Today we will rest and grieve but tomorrow we have to work and grieve.
As I exit my room, feeling more centered, I can't help but let memories come back to me. I cherish those everyday moments of happiness and I never realized how much I overlook them. A small smile graces my lips. Yes, our happiness is being ripped from under us, the darkness overwhelming but slowly but surely, we will be happy again. Definitely not now, maybe not next week or in another decade that's yet to come. But we will be happy with no one missing and no one taken away. I can feel it in my bones. Though the grief runs through my veins I can feel hope. It's small but it's there.
'I'm hopeful that in a while this will all just be a nightmare and we'll wake up to a bright sky...The day where we will laugh and cry freely with joy is not far from coming. '
Yeah. Yeah Tsuna I can feel it and I believe it. The hope is so fragile but it's the strongest thing I've ever felt. It's even stronger than the grief. I'm just as hopeful as you. So I'll wait and I'll work to make sure that one day, maybe sooner than we think, we can find our sky pure and clear, free from misery and pain. Yeah, I'll work hard to make you and Pops proud of me. Helping to win this battle is the least I could do after all you both have done for me. If I can't bring you to back then I'll continue living. I'll continue living everyday in your memories.
I've never regretted following you Tsuna. My life, when I look back on it now, was pretty boring and empty before you became my friend. I may have not even had a life. You saved me from ending it after all. What a waste that would have been. I feel centered and secure. I feel like I belong. Like I was meant to be with you and our rag-tag family. Like destiny decided to shine upon me when she chose the life I was to have. She still gave me the option to walk away but I couldn't. I could never walk away because, even after all the pain, I would still follow you to the ends of the Earth, straight through hell and back just to follow you. I have never known such sadness as I feel now, but I have never felt happier than when we were all together. So no matter what happens now just know I've never regretted meeting you even though you sometimes think that it would have been better that none of us ever had.
A small smile etches its way onto my face as tears still slide like torrents down my face. No use wiping them. I look up, distress still strong but a vicious air of determination settles in me. I look towards the windows and see the rain has calmed outside. It looks more like the rain I know and love. The rain my Ma and Pops loved.
Regret? No.
I could never regret anything Tsuna.
I really wanted to convey not only feelings of sadness in this chapter but also feelings of hope, I hope I got it right ^_^' But I did enjoy writing this chapter even though is kinda short. But that's the kinda person Yamamoto is to me; his says things simply and to the point. :D Any tips and comments will be welcomed with open arms!
