Jane stepped back, folding her arms as she looked at Maura.
"So…?" She prompted, looking for answers.
"So.. so!" Said Maura briskly, "Would you like some sushi?"
"I'm good."
She was still stood there, watching. Maura could feel her heart rate increase.
"You gonna tell me what's going on or...?"
Maura shrugged, turning to walk away and muttering: "Actually I was going to just pretend-"
"No!" She grabbed her wrist and marched her over to the couch. "C'mon Maur talk to me."
Maura sighed, readjusting herself to a more upright position and finally meeting Jane's eyes. "What about?"
"Well you can start with where you went."
"A bar." She could answer this at least. "I went to a bar. And I drank some form of cheap alcohol!" She added, widening her eyes as though waiting for praise.
Jane groaned in frustration, reaching out to hold her shoulders as she went to turn away. "Why?"
Maura blinked: a classic rabbit-in-headlights expression. "Well it was cold outside and I-"
"Then why did you leave?"
"Well I could have been just about to explain that part before you interrupted me"
"Maura."
"..To be fair I wasn't, but-"
"Maura."
"Sorry, what?"
Jane sighed, and tried again. "Why were you upset?"
"Pass"
"What d'you mean? You can't pass"
"Of course I can. I just did." She said, a little smugly.
"Maur you've been off with me for days, what's going on?"
Maura raised her eyebrows indignantly. "Excuse me? I think you'll find it's you who have been off with me."
Jane's eyes dropped to her lap. She'd got her and she knew it. Maura gave a triumphant head-toss.
Jane's head snapped back up. "Hey, you still started it!"
Maura froze. They were back to the kiss. "I didn't behave inappropriately or unusually or in a way that could provoke anger or discomfort" She insisted. Her heart was thumping so loudly she would have sworn Jane could hear it if she hadn't known that the sound was simply magnified to her own ears and highly unlikely to be audible to anyone else. She's angry about the kiss. Why did I kiss her? Why didn't I kiss her sooner? No, I shouldn't have kissed her at all!
"You're the one who kissed me!"
"No- no I didn't" Maura denied hastily, trying to contain her rising panic.
"Yes you did! C'mon Maur if you're going to lie about things they have to be believable- but hey, calm down, don't faint on me now."
Maura had turned ghostly pale.
"I'm not fainting, I'm calm." She said breathlessly.
"No you're not." Jane took her hands, and spoke gently. "Breathe. I'm not angry. You can-you can kiss me if you want, it's no big deal. You wanted to experiment, I get that. It doesn't matter. It's just me."
Just you.
"Then why were you angry?" Maura asked quietly.
Jane sighed. "Because I'm a sentimental idiot" She eventually muttered under her breath.
She turned to stand up but Maura held onto her hands. "What?" For the first time she could remember, her mind failed her. She couldn't read into the hidden meanings or speculate or predict what was coming. She couldn't breathe, either.
"Don't make me say it."
Maura couldn't dare hope. But now her mind had restarted and was racing out of conscious control.
"Why not? It's just me, after all."
Jane was looking everywhere but at Maura. She laughed bitterly. "It's your own disgust I'm trying to avoid."
"I wouldn't be disgusted" Maura said softly.
She watched Jane think as she gazed at the lamp beside them.
Maura didn't like guessing. She knew the feeling that she and Jane had reached some sort of mutual understanding was completely unfounded, painfully unrealistic, and so far from objective theorising that it felt strange to even consider it. She felt horribly fragile, without the safety of logic to rely on. Her rationality was something that shaped her personality, that made her truly happy, that she could trust unconditionally.
But not as much as Jane.
"Why were you upset?" Jane whispered.
If Maura were to use a metaphor, she would be ripping off her parachute, gambling all internal organs and diving into the shark infested lake. But none of those things would make her feel quite as vulnerable as she did when she looked Jane in the eye and told her the truth.
"We were so close, Jane. We were everything a couple is except you didn't see it like that. We were such a great couple. I wish we were a couple."
That was all Jane needed to hear.
"That night… I never thought of you like that. Until you made me. I've never felt like that before. And y'know I was just planning on going to sleep, not like falling in love!" Jane wrinkled her nose at the expression.
They sat in awed silence, still holding hands. Both could feel the other shaking slightly. Neither could help the smile breaking across their face.
"And I never knew" Maura murmured.
"Major failing, Doctor Isles," Jane's voice was a little unsteady, but her familiar playfulness made the situation seem slightly more real to Maura. "C'mon, it would've been more subtle to wave a placard saying 'I love you Maura'. I don't know how you didn't see it."
"In my defence, I thought you were straight"
Jane shrugged. "I think sexuality is too big a thing to be explained by one word. This leaves… confusion and exceptions blah blah blah."
Maura beamed. "Wow, you actually listen to me?"
"Sometimes" Jane grinned.
…..
Maura rested her head against Jane's shoulder. It could have been any normal friendly gesture. It was only Jane lips, gently brushing the top of her head that set it apart.
"What if I wake up and this was just another dream?" Jane breathed.
Maura considered this. "Then you wake me up too, and we can make out in reality."
Jane laughed. "Are you sure you're not drunk, Maur?"
Maura sat up in alarm. "Oh I hope not, halitosis would really kill the mood. Bad breath." She added in explanation.
"Nah, I think you're fine"
"Are you sure? Because I could go and clean my teeth again..."
She moved to stand, but Jane pulled her back down. With their faces just inches apart, they both knew they were going to kiss. Like the first time, Maura felt a terrifyingly intense happiness as her lips touched Jane's. But this time the kiss was slow, and deliberate, and that made it so much better.
Jane wrapped her arms around Maura, pulling her closer. It was a new sort of close. Maura ran her fingers through Jane's hair, amazed at the inadequacy of her imagination. It couldn't be real. But it was. Maura's mind felt comparable to jelly, and it was a wonderful feeling.
Both were so caught up that they didn't hear the key turn in the lock. It was only when they heard Angela's squeal that they froze, breaking apart.
"About time!" She cried shrilly, wheeling her suitcase in through the door, "I was wondering when you two would pull yourselves together. Now don't let me interrupt, I'll be in my room if you need me."
I'm thinking this might be the end now, if anyone has any thought I'd love to hear them :)
