A/N: Grieving is never an easy process. You don't go through all the stages of grief and are done. Sometimes you go through them a lot. This wasn't an easy chapter to write, but I know I needed to write it.

Thank you to my two friends ahopelesship and guitarkid for all your help with this chapter and getting me through this difficult time of grieving. Sherri Saum once said, "If you don't have a friend like Teri Polo, go pick one up. Highly recommended." Well, I picked up two friends like Teri Polo, does that count? ahaha!

Warning: Some minor details of a suicide attempt is mentioned in here.

This chapter is in Micah's POV.


Chapter Three: Hope Isn't Completely Lost

"It's going to get a lot worse before it will get better," the grief counselor that you and your mama have been seeing since after the holidays said.

You don't know what you're doing half the time anymore. You get up, have breakfast with your mama, you go to school, go to baseball conditioning, come home, do homework, eat dinner, cuddle with your mama for a little while, and then go to bed.

It's the same routine day in and day out on the week days. You always take a weekend shift because that means that you'd be standing in the middle of a busy Best Buy and not sitting in the silence of your home.

You stopped talking after all the siblings left, there was no point. Your mama has buried herself in work too. You knew this would happen, so you just don't talk anymore. The two of you don't say much, you allow the television to take away the silence now. Your mama is only there late at night to hold you, but you need more than that.

Timothy was still subtly giving you a hard time for daydreaming in class. All you could think about was your mom.

"What do you want to be when you get out of college?" She asked you one night as you two were stargazing while your mama worked late during your freshman year.

You cuddled further into her strong embrace, one of the only places you feel like you can be soft and vulnerable, "I want to be a computer engineer." You said. "Potentially get a PhD in the subject."

"Wow, smarty pants," she joked, wrapping her arm tighter around you, knowing that this was your safe place. "Well, I can't wait to see you to pursue that."

"Micah," Timothy said, "Micah," he said trying to get your attention. "Micah Adams Foster," he said.

You snap at of your daydream, "What, huh?" You got out.

He sighed, obviously tired of putting up with your daydreaming, "I'm sending you to your mother," he said making a phone call to your mama's office. "Hi, yes, this is Timothy. I'm sending Micah to you, he's not participating in class." Silence as your mama said something. "Uh huh, he'll be there in five minutes, tops. Alright, bye." He turned to write you a pass and then handed it to you, "Your mother is expecting you, take your stuff."

You packed up your stuff, threw your jacket on, and snatched the slip out of Timothy's hand while walking out the door. You take the longer way to your mama's office. Once you finally get there, you plop in the seat in front of her.

"Bad day?" She asked you softly. You give her a grunt in response. "Baby, use your words, please."

You were looking at your Nike's, they were a birthday gift from Jude and Connor. They were slowly becoming your favorite shoes. Then you realized that your mama was still staring at you.

You looked into her concerned eyes and said, "I guess you can say that." Your head falls as you continue to look at your shoes.

You hear her move from behind her desk and you don't look up not even after you feel arms wrapped around you. In fact, the moment she puts her arms around you, you shot up.

"Baby," she said trying to get you to come sit back down, but you just looked out her window. She had the most beautiful view of the Pacific, especially when it was an overcast day. You know she was confused because she was just trying to comfort you and she knew that being comforted meant cuddles and soft temple kisses. "What's wrong?" She asked.

You sighed, "How long do I have to feel like this?" You asked. "How long do I have to feel like everybody I love is going to leave? How long do I have to feel like I want to die? How long do I have to wish that the bullet that went inside me freshman year would've killed me? How long Mama? I can't bare this pain anymore."

You heard her jump up and wrap her arms around you and got you to sit in her lap, you fought her, "No baby, no. Let me hold you. Let Mama hold you." She rocked you back and forth, back and forth, and you cried. You thought you were done grieving, you cried a lot, and you thought you were done crying. Your mama kept whispering things like, "It's okay", "let it out", and "I got you." And you cry harder than you ever have before.

You try to remember what it was like when both your mama and your mom hold you. Like they did after your first nightmare after the school shooting. Like they did when you got overwhelmed with school activities, and like they did after you found out your mom was diagnosed with stomach cancer. You try, but then that makes it harder. Now you're sitting on the ground in your mama's lap in her office crying so hard that the vice principal came in just to make sure that everything is okay.

"I think so," you manage to hear your mama say, "He's just having a bad day." She added. "He'll be fine."

You try to get out of your mama's embrace and you do, you walked out, ignoring your mama's protest, and you walked out into the student parking lot. Your mama tried to stop you.

"Baby," she said catching up to you, "where are you going?"

Your voice trembled when you said, "I don't know, but I just can't be here right now."

She sighed, "You can't run from your problems, baby. We have to work this out," she said.

"Why do you care all of a sudden?" You bursted it out yelling.

She had a confused look on her face, "I'm sorry?" She asked clearly confused.

"The only time you've been around is late at night when I can't sleep and you just hold me. I need more than that, Mama!" You yelled, knowing that the people at the first lunch can hear you, but you don't care. "I need you, more than I ever have before and you're not there!"

"I have been there, honey." She said. "You just stopped letting me in." She said firmly. "You stopped letting me know what was going through your head. None of this is my fault, Micah."

"So it's my fault?" He accused. "It's my fault that I'm introverted and don't like causing trouble? It's my fault that Mom died?"

"I'm not blaming you, Micah." She sighed. "Just let me in, please?"

"Maybe I don't want to let anybody in," you said.

"You let Mom in all the time," she argued.

"And look what happened?" You said, "She's gone now, Mama. And I can't live like this anymore."

She grabbed you by your shoulders, looked you straight in the face, with a low, serious, firm voice said, "I know that you're hurting more than you've ever hurt before. I get that. I'm hurting too, more as the days go on. You lost your mom, I lost my wife. I'm sorry baby, I really sorry, but I'm not letting you do anything stupid. You were important to your mom, her pride and joy. You need to realize how important you are to me. To your siblings. And we're going to have to be enough for you baby. We're going to have to be enough," she said with tears in her eyes. The tears in your mama's eyes caught your attention, "I need you baby and I'm sorry that I've been burying myself under work. But, I need you to understand just how much you're important."

You stood there staring into your mama's dark brown, vulnerable eyes and standing in the middle of Anchor Beach's student parking lot, you both cried together.


Your coming out of baseball conditioning when you receive a chastising phone call from Callie.

"What do you think running from your problems will do for you, huh?" She said. "Take it from the experienced little man, it doesn't get you anywhere, but trouble."

"I'm not you, Callie," you argued. "I just needed a few hours to collect my thoughts."

"Then you tell Mama that, you don't just walk away." She said. "Running doesn't get you anywhere. You need to be open and honest with Mama."

"It's not easy, Callie." You said. "Being here without Mom. It's not easy." You repeated.

"I wouldn't imagine it is, baby brother." She said. "It's not easy knowing that she's gone with an entire country between us. You just can't run away from your problems. As your big sister, I'm not allowing you to. You need to man up and be there for Mama."

"So what?" You spat angrily. "I have to be there for Mama, but I can't have anybody there for me?"

Callie sighed, "I didn't say that little man." She said. "Just be the man Mom would want you to be. Don't run away from your problems."

"You did." You pointed out. "Mom and Mama said you ran away the night after they asked you if you wanted to be adopted and their wedding. After you kissed Brandon and you didn't want to ruin it for Jude. You ran."

"And that's the biggest regret of my life." She said softly. "If I could go back and realize every thing I went through, knowing that I hurt Mom and Mama, and the siblings. I wouldn't have done it." She said. "You are not running from your problems. If I have to fly back just to kick your ass, you better count on me doing so." Tears filled your eyes, "I love you little man. You're the best baby brother I could ever ask for. Just be there for Mama, please."

You nodded your head while saying, "Okay."


You were pretty much on lockdown for the rest of the week after the escape attempt. If you weren't by your mama's side it was because you were at school or baseball conditioning. She drove with you to work and sat in the car while you were on shift. Your coach walked you back to your mama's office after conditioning. She came out and ate lunch with you and your friends. You weren't to leave her side.

It was a Friday night and you were cuddled into your mama when you heard crying, you looked up and saw your mama in tears.

"Mama?" You asked quickly changing positions. You were holding her into your chest. "Hey, it's okay Mama."

She cried for what seemed like forever before she said, "I miss her so much," she said. You nodded just letting her talk. "You know we explained to you kids that your Mom was dying. But every day nobody explains to me why I have to wake up every morning without my love spooning me from behind. Nobody explained to me why I don't have to be constantly in fear that she'll lose her life on the job. Nobody told me why my best friend, my lover, my wife, is never coming home to me anymore. Nobody explained it to me."

Then it hit you as your mama broke down again in your arms, she's not as indestructible as she seems. The two of you sat there as your mama cried and you didn't know how to comfort her. So you just held her realizing that the depression was in for the both of you now.

When her sobs died down, you swallowed the lump in your throat and said, "I'm sorry for freaking out on you on Monday. I'm sorry for essentially calling you a horrible mother. I knew it was hard for you, but I didn't realize how hard it was."

"It's fine baby," she said. "I just wanted you close this week."

You nodded, "I get that," you said softly. "Maybe we should see somebody other than the grief counselor." You added. "Like a family therapist or something."

She looked up at you and said, "You sure you want this?"

"I want to live, I don't want to be depressed anymore. I-I haven't felt like this in a while."

"You've felt like this before?" She asked you as you nodded thinking about after you got out of the hospital after being shot.

You had earbuds in your ears and you were listening to music when your mom came in to see if you were going anywhere that afternoon. You felt the bed dip and her getting in the bed to cuddle you.

"How are you feeling?" She asked you. You shrugged. "Can you use your words?"

"Mom, I just wanna lie here with no obligations to do anything else," you said.

"That's what you've done every day since you've been dismissed from the hospital if you aren't at school," your mom said to you. "Are you okay?"

"I just don't feel like myself anymore," you mumbled into her side. "I just feel, I don't know, depressed."

She ran her hand through your curls and she said, "Y'know when the twins were about your age, a little older actually, I got shot."

"You did?" You asked never hearing this story.

"Yeah, I thought Jesus was in a crack house and didn't go into the house with any protective gear on. Was shot, still have the bullet fragments near my spine." She said. "Your mama was so scared."

"Like she was when I protected her from the gunman?" You asked.

"Yeah," she said. "You were brave, you know that?"

"I figured you couldn't live without Mama." You said.

She left a lingering kiss on your forehead, "I couldn't live without you either, Miracle Boy."

You didn't believe her and that's when the depression started kicking in the first time.

"I felt like this about a month after I got shot," you said running your hand through her curls. "That's why Mom was so adamant in getting me help."

She nodded, "Monday morning, I'll start looking into therapy for us," she said. "You just have to promise me that you'll let me in."

You chuckled, remembering Callie reprimanding you, "Yeah, I promised Callie that I would." You said.

"When?" She asked.

"Monday after conditioning," you said. "Did you tell her about my attempt to escape from the world?"

She nodded, "Yeah, all your siblings. I-I was worried." She said.

"I got a loving yet chastising phone call from Callie." You said. "Sorry for worrying you."

"When you get depressed baby," she began, "it scares me, I already lost my wife. I'm not sure if I could lose you either."

You sighed because you know she's right, when you get depressed, you get borderline suicidal. It's why your moms got you into sports because you had a suicide attempt in the summer between your freshman and sophomore year.

The pills were sitting there. They were a type of sedative that help you sleep and help tame your PTSD. You were alone as both your moms were working, your mama had to be the principal for summer school and she left you alone. And you were sitting on the counter in the kitchen with a handful of pills in your hand. You were about to take them when you heard the side door open and your mom call out.

"Micah, baby?" She said, "I was wondering if I could treat you to-" She stopped mid-sentence with wide eyes. "Baby," she said. "What-what are you doing?"

You looked up to see the concern in her eyes as she slowly made her way to you. She grabbed the pills out of your hands as soon as she got to you and she immediately took you in her arms. And you cried against your mom because you knew she was stronger than you, so you didn't feel like fighting her. She picked you up and brought you to the kitchen nook and cradled you in her arms. And she got you calmed down before her phone buzzed.

"Hey love," she answered. You heard your mama's voice as your mom said, "Is it possible for you to come home right now?" You imagine your mama asked why and if everything was okay because your mom answered, "We have a problem with our Miracle Boy right now." She kept rocking you back and forth as your mama spoke, "Okay my love. We'll see you soon." She hung up the phone and tossed it to the side. Solely focused on you.

The two of you sat there in silence until your mama got home and she called out, "Stef, honey? Micah, baby? Where are you two?" She asked.

"In the kitchen nook, my love." Your mom called out softly, still rocking you back and forth.

Your mama came in and saw you cradled in your mom's arms and she immediately took a seat next to the two of you.

"What's going on?" Your mama asked.

You whimpered a little as your mama ran her hand through your hair, "I came home to treat him to a lunch out to find him sitting on the counter with a handful of sedatives and he was about ready to take them. All of them," she emphasized.

"What, why?" Your mama asked you. "Baby," she breathed.

"Don't wanna live anymore," you got out.

You felt your mom's grip around you get tighter, "Why baby?" Your mom whispered.

"Too hard, too damn hard," you mumbled.

"What's too hard?" Your mom asked you, "Talk to us baby."

You try to get up, but your mom held you tighter. You manage to get out of her grip and run to the kitchen where the sedatives were. You got the bottle open and almost got them all in your mouth before you felt strong arms around you. You swallowed what was in your mouth before you heard:

"Baby, no." Your mom said, "This isn't the way." You were about ready to put the rest in your mouth when your mom grabbed the pills and threw them behind her, knowing you swallowed half a handful, she watched your eyes droop a little. "Lena," she called out, "call 911. Get an ambulance here, we gotta get him to the hospital."

And your mama did.

"That was the scariest experience ever," your mama said. "I could barely live it with your mom, not sure if I could live it alone."

You took a deep breath, "You're not going to, Mama." You said leaving a soft kiss on her forehead. "I won't let you."


That Sunday you found yourself on a Mama-Son date across town. You drove the car that your Mom left you upon her passing and you had plans to show your mama just how you loved her. You put the car and park as your mama was responding to an email, you walked to the passenger side door and you opened the door for her. Remembering how the chivalrous act by your mom used to always make your mama blush.

You sat behind your mama as your mom drove you home from the hospital after you suicide attempt and that's when you first remembered it vividly.

Maybe you've noticed it all along, but this was the first time you remember seeing your mama blush because your mom opened the car door for her. You remember your door opening and your mom picking you up to carry you inside. Normally you would fight her because you were fifteen and could walk by yourself, but you know you gave both your moms quite a scare. So inside you let her carry you inside and you curl into her chest. Letting her be your mommy once again.

You noticed it again two hours later when you were brought to the kitchen table for dinner, how your mom's hand never left your mama's lower back. How your mom put your mama first.

That night you woke up between them and heard them talking, you didn't want to eavesdrop, but your mama talking while drawing patterns on your forehead.

"I love that you take care of us, honey." She said. "Thank you."

"I wouldn't want to be anywhere else doing anything different, my love." Your mom said leaning over to kiss your mama.

And that's why you promised your mom that your mama would always take care of your mama. You noticed the chivalry as made your mama's eyes light up. For your mom with love and for you with pride that they taught you how to be a gentleman.

Things weren't perfect yet and they may never be perfect, but you knew that your mama would never would let you give up.


Chapter End: Hope that wasn't too intense, it always is worse before it gets better I hear. So it maybe intense for the next few chapters. Hope you liked that as much as you could.