Chapter Four

Robin was nervous. She had spent most of the afternoon pondering about what she was going to say once Strike got to the pub. She couldn't forget his eyes on her and the way it had made her feel. When she was on her honeymoon with Matthew a year ago, she had tried to figure out whether she was in love with Strike or if it had just something to do with the work they did together. After being single for a while and especially after seeing him with Charlotte the night before, she was sure. She was in love with him. And she didn't think that she could continue pretending that they were just friends.

When she remembered the moment in his office she knew that it wasn't just her. He felt something too. She just didn't know if he just fancied her or if he actually wanted to be with her.

He had texted that he would be a few minutes late, so she had ordered him a pint and a glass of white wine for herself and had sat down at a table in the back. It was a slow night and the pub wasn't bursting like usual.

When he finally entered, he came straight towards her table and sat down. It seemed it had started to rain since Robin came in, because Strike shrugged out of a wet coat and his dark hair was glistening.

"Shit weather", he mumbled before he took a long swig from his pint. "Thanks for this Robin. That's exactly what I needed."

"So, how was the rest of your day?" Neutral territory was always a good start. In her experience, it was much easier to turn from small talk to the serious topics than to come straight to the point. And it gave her a chance to take a few more sips from her wine.

"Nothing much. The guy left at his usual time and went straight home. We might need a few more weeks and maybe some undercover work to get to the truth. You up for it?" Strike asked her.

"Sure", Robin agreed. "I always wanted to work at a bank." The twinkle in her eyes told him that she was being ironic.

"Thought so." He looked at her more closely and suddenly felt that an update on their respective cases was not the only reason she had asked for a drink tonight. He didn't know whether this knowledge should make him hopeful or fill him with dread. What if she couldn't continue working with him if there was not enough professionalism between them? He steeled himself for whatever would come. He knew that he would do anything to keep her at the agency; whatever his personal feelings were on the topic. But he was in no rush to get to the point where their relationship would change fundamentally. One way or the other.

So, they continued with the small talk. Strike told her about the trip he had planned for Jack, his nephew, and himself. After he had nearly died because of a ruptured appendix a few months ago, Strike had actually kept his promise to spend more time with the boy. It turned out that not all children were as annoying as he had originally thought.

Robin in turn told him about her family. Strike had met them at her wedding and was keen on getting the latest news from the Ellacott's home. He couldn't exactly explain why, but he had liked her brothers and parents.

"Comoran", Robin began after he had returned with a second round of drinks. "Can I ask you something?"

But before he could reply his phone started to ring. Instinct made him take it out and answer it before he had even realised that Robin had been about to ask him something.

"This is Strike." He hadn't checked the caller ID. He threw an apologetic look towards her.

"Cormoran? Can you come?" He chastised himself for not checking the number. Charlotte was the last person he wanted to talk to right now.

"It's really not a good time right now. Can I call you back in the morning?" Robin tried to hide her curiosity, but Strike could see in her face that she knew who was on the other end of the line.

"I need you now. The police are here, and they want to arrest me. I haven't done anything, but they don't believe me. Can you please come and tell them that they are making a mistake? You know better than anyone that I'm innocent. You said so yourself." How was it possible that this woman always found a way back into his life? And always at the most inopportune times. He was looking at Robin from the corner of his eyes. She had taken out her phone and was reading something on it. He knew that she would be disappointed if he left her now to go back to his ex-girlfriend. And she would have every right to be. But he also knew that he couldn't just leave Charlotte hanging.

"Do what the police says, I'll be there as soon as possible." With that he ended the call and saw Robin look up. It wasn't just disappointment in her features – it was anger.

"You have to leave?" she asked him coldly. "Because Charlotte called?"

"I'm sorry. She is being arrested and needs my help." Strike started to gather his coat.

"And the moment she calls, you just jump? I thought you were past that. I thought that you and her…", she couldn't finish the thought. She had been about to tell him the truth. To make herself more vulnerable than she had ever been, especially with him. And he was just going to leave her sitting there. Thankfully, she was quicker on her feet and so, she grabbed her coat and left as fast as she could out the pub door into a downpour outside.

"Great", she said to herself as she started moving to the nearest station.

"Robin, wait!" She heard him exit the pub but didn't turn around. "Robin!" He continued calling her and when people started looking at her judgingly she finally halted. He caught up with her and grabbed both her arms so to not lose his balance.

"What did you want to ask me?" Robin focused on a wall just behind Strike so as to avoid looking at him directly.

"Doesn't matter. Just let me go home, please?" Strike was standing very close before her, she realised. His warmth gave her comfort in the cold rain and in her head, she marked her body as a traitor to her mind.

"Please tell me what you wanted to say." His voice was soft and finally she looked into his eyes with a hint of defiance.

"Why? Why now? A few minutes ago, you couldn't have cared less and suddenly you want to know? You should go to Charlotte. She needs you apparently." With that she stepped out of his grip and continued down the street.

"You know this is unfair, right? It's too easy for you to run away from me." He had started to follow her, but his leg had had better days and he limped a bit behind her.

"Oh, I'm running away? That's rich", she had stopped again and looked at him angrily. Her voice had started to get a bit louder, so he could hear her over the rain. "The moment I tried to talk to you about something serious you use the first excuse to bail. Why did you take that call? Couldn't you spare me even a few minutes? You don't deserve to know what I wanted to say, you selfish bastard!"

For all her rage he remained surprisingly calm. "You're right. I am selfish and I don't deserve you. But please, Robin. Please tell me what you wanted to say." His voice had taken on an imploring tone and he took a tentative step towards her. "Please."

It was mostly the hint of desperation that had crept into his voice that made her start talking. "Do you remember my wedding day?"

Strike looked confused. He hadn't expected this. "Who could forget?", he said with a hint of an encouraging smile to keep her talking.

"Do you remember when you were about to leave… outside on the stairs?" Robin looked into his eyes to see if he would think about the same moment.

He had been about to leave the party when Robin had stopped her wedding dance and followed him outside. There they had shared a hug that had felt more significant than anything else in their relationship up to this point. He remembered the scent of white roses and the feeling of her body pressed to his. He had thought about that hug for a long time and asked himself why he hadn't asked her to leave with him. But he had been a coward back then. Maybe he still was. Otherwise, maybe she hadn't stayed with Matthew for a year and he hadn't distracted himself with Lorelei.

"I remember", he said.

Robin suddenly felt that the point of no return had arrived. If she would stop now they could forget the whole thing and continue as they were – as partners and friends. But she had to know. She gathered all of her courage and continued: "I wanted to run away with you that day." Strike opened his mouth in surprise and started to say something, but she bade him to keep quiet. She had to get through this now or never. "I knew the marriage was a mistake, but I couldn't let my parents down so I agreed to go on the honeymoon to figure out if we had any chance. For days I went walking along the empty beaches, not thinking of how a future could look with Matthew, but whether or not I was in love with you." At that she could see his eyes widen at the implication.

"One night I called you from a landline. I wanted to know if you had felt the same thing I had on those stairs, but you were with some woman and I realised that it must have been imagination on my part."

Here, Strike had to say something. "That was you? I never could figure out…", he trailed off as he saw her looking annoyed at his interruption. "Sorry."

"Even though you didn't seem to think about me that way, I had realised that I could not stay married to Matthew. I wanted an annulment and was prepared to tell him so, but when I got back to our room…" The memory was still difficult for her, since it had cost her a year of her life.

"He was sick and you decided to stay", Strike finished her thought and she nodded. He longed to take her hand, to touch her to comfort her, but he sensed that Robin wanted to get through this by herself.

"Anyway", she said as if to get back to the point, "I tried to make it work, but I wasn't very successful – evidently. And I couldn't forget that hug. When Matthew and I broke up I felt so relieved. It was as if a burden had been lifted. I could finally be, who I wanted to be and you and I were just starting to be friends again. And that was great. Amazing even. I hadn't realised how much Matthew's constant negativity had weighed me down, until he was gone. And you were great these last few months. I wouldn't have known what to do without you. Seems to be a trait the women in your life share", she added with a small laugh thinking of Charlotte telling him the exact same thing just one day earlier.

"And everything was fine. Really. I was happy, I had friends and I had convinced myself that whatever feelings I had for you were as much connected to the job as they were to you. But earlier today in the office, we had this moment." She tried to find some kind of recognition in his face, an acknowledgement that this had actually happened and not just in her head.

"We did", he agreed and his eyes started to turn darker the same way they had before.

Robin was suddenly frightened of that intensity. What if she was making a horrible mistake in telling him all this? What if he just wanted to shag her and hoped they could find a similar arrangement as his last two girlfriends? She had to take that risk.

"So, I guess, what I am trying to say is, I understood myself for the first time in a long time in that moment. I know now what I want and that is why I wanted to talk to you tonight. I'm tired of pretending to be just friends. I'm tired of ignoring my feelings that have been there for a long time. And I know that this might be potentially disastrous for our agency, because once it's out in the open I cannot take it back, but I don't care. So here it is", Robin made a slight pause to gather the last pieces of courage she had left. Strike looked at her silently and full of anticipation. He had to know what was coming, but until she actually said it, everything could have just been a cruel joke on her part. But she wanted him to know. "I'm in love with you."

The words hung between them bare and irreversible. Robin had never told someone these words. With Matthew they had just started to say I Love You after a certain point, but she couldn't remember being in love with him.

Strike was stunned. He had expected her to admit to feelings, but not like this. This beautiful, courageous and intelligent woman was in love with him? It seemed ridiculous. He realised she was waiting for his response.

Even though he had kept telling himself that it was a stupid idea he took a tentative step towards her. When she didn't move away from him he closed the distance between them. His right hand cupped her face when he gazed into her grey blue eyes. With his other hand he brushed some of her wet hair from her face.

"I know this is a bad idea…", Robin began to speak, but Strike interrupted her. "I don't care." And then he kissed her. It was soft and tentative. He felt her warm lips mingle with the cold rain. After a few moments he broke apart to see if he had made a mistake. Slowly, she opened her eyes and looked at him. Tears were starting to form in her eyes and he started to panic.

"Oh god! Sorry, Robin. I didn't mean to… I mean, you said it was a bad idea, and I just… I just wanted to do that for so long." He felt like a teenager who had just had his first kiss and didn't know what to do.

A small smile started to form on her lips. "I'm glad you did. Otherwise, I would have felt like fool."

"Can I kiss you again then?" She nodded and met him in the middle. He put his arms around her and pressed her close to him. They stood there in the pouring rain and kissed. The few people who were still out in this weather that watched them either thought that the couple must be so romantic or that they would die soon from hypothermia.

When they finally broke apart again he still kept her tight in his arms. "I want to do this right."

"What do you mean?" Robin asked, enjoying his embrace and still feeling a bit light-headed after that kiss.

"You know I'm the worst when it comes to relationships." He could see her raise her eyebrows in mock surprise. "I was a horrible boyfriend most of the time and you don't deserve to be treated like that. So, I want to do this right. Take you to dinner or to the movies and take my time – with everything. I don't want the job to always come first. I want this to work."

Robin felt incredibly touched. "So, you are not scared that in two weeks we realise that this will fall apart and it will inevitably damage our work?"

"Course I am", Strike said. "I know the odds are not exactly in our favour, but I'm willing to find out", he paused. "How about you?"

The smile that had been steadily growing was now out in full force. She beamed at him. "Dinner sounds lovely."

He laughed relieved.

"Do you still need to go to the police?" She had almost forgotten about the phone call that made her come out here in the first place. But now that it was back on her mind it put a little damper on her mood.

"Unfortunately, yes. Something doesn't feel right", Strike paused as if in thought. "Do you wanna come with me?" He knew that this was a stupid idea. To take the woman he had just kissed for the first time to see his ex-girlfriend was far from ideal.

For some reason it meant a lot to Robin that he had asked and didn't want to hide that part of him. "Ok, yeah. Let's go."

With a smile that couldn't express the happiness he felt in that moment, he put his arm around her shoulder and tugged her close to him and together they made their way to the tube.