Disclaimer: All characters belong to Bioware.
Beta Reader: Er, yes and no. It's being edited, but I haven't heard from her in a while, and I didn't like the long gap in updating this, so I'm posting it now. The edited version will hopefully be up sometime later. So some content maybe changed later depending on her feedback, but nothing drastic. :)
A/N: I know I jump around a bit in this story time-wise so, just in case it's not clear, the first part is a flashback to the start of ME2.
Chapter Four
Babel
"I know you feel this."
The Presidium is the same constant hustle and flow of dignitaries Garrus has grown use to in the last month since his tour on the Normandy ended. Nothing spectacular is happening; at most there is the occasional shouting match between politicians to look forward to, but those can be easily handled with a threat to remove both parties by force from the ward (Garrus isn't sure if that threat works because they want to maintain a good public image or if they really just don't want to get their clothes dirty, as they always huff and give hard tugs on their garments before hurrying off. After working for Udina, he's pretty sure it's the later).
Today, though, something in the atmosphere feels off. Garrus cannot place his talon on what exactly is causing the feeling—maybe it's how people seem to be moving with less vigor, or the glances that are lasting longer than normal in his direction?—but the feeling it there.
Being back with C-Sec isn't as bad as he remembered and, with his Spectre initiation only a few weeks away, he can't help but be excited. So it is strange that he is feeling so negative right now. Maybe he is staring to stress out about all his new responsibilities? C-Sec wants him to stay on with them, even after becoming a Spectre. It will make it the first time a Spectre's ever (officially) worked for C-Sec (as there has always been tension between the two groups) and while it may not be as flashy as becoming the first human Spectre, it still has the Citadel abuzz. Plus, his father has been hounding him about coming home. If it was about his mother's health Garrus would have jumped on the first shuttle to Palaven, but he knows his father just wants to grill him about everything that has transpired; from Saren, to Shepard, to the Reapers, his father will leave no stone unturned.
So Garrus takes it as a small mercy that he is just patrolling right now, showing two new recruits—human and turian—the ropes. They are both only a few years younger than Garrus and the amount of respect they are showing him feels misplaced. From the way they look at him, hang on his every word, and how they look like kicked varren pups when he berates them, it feels like it should be for someone three times his age. Or someone who actual knows what the hell they are doing and aren't just fumbling around trying to figure things out as they go.
Like Shepard.
Garrus holds back a wistful sigh. Commander Shepard has been on his mind for the last month and he cannot help but feel bad at how lackluster their parting was. After all, he owes her a lot, both his new job and status, and he feels bad he never made plans to stay in contact with her. They'll meet again, he knows this. Being a Spectre even means they may work side-by-side again. Working alone sounds fine but, after serving on the Normandy and operating only in teams, he knows how useful partners can be in a pinch. It's an odd sense of comfort Garrus has never had before knowing he can call someone—be it the commander or even the krogan warlord—as back up and know without a doubt that they'll come.
"Detective Vakarian," a familiar bossy voice calls, breaking Garrus from his thoughts. He stops and so do the two recruits tailing him. Turning around, Garrus sees the same dark haired reporter Kaidan and he had stopped Shepard from assaulting months ago.
"Khalisah Bint Sinan al-Jilani, Westerlund News," the woman announces proudly.
"I remember," he states with poorly veiled annoyance. Fully facing her, Garrus is greeted to the sight of her cam-bot hovering obnoxiously close and its red light glaring in his eyes, showing it is already recording. Garrus pulls himself to full height and readies a speech about how it is against C-Sec regulations to record without consent (something he is sure she has heard a dozen time over if his last encounter with her is anything to go by), but there is something wild in the woman's gaze that makes him freeze in confusion. The sense of wrongness he has been feeling all day is amplified ten-fold and, for some inexplicable reason, his stomach gives a violent twist.
The reporter steps closer, into his personal space, and asks with an eager rush of breath, "As having just served on the Normandy, what are your thoughts hearing of the attack? With Commander Shepard killed in action, has that changed Citadel Security and the Council Spectre's recent partnership?"
There are a lot of things that can go wrong in Garrus' life at the moment; from him losing his positions at both C-Sec and the Spectres, something as simple as his gun jamming in a fight, and—to the more dreadful thought—his mother's illness finally taking her after years of battle.
Commander Shepard dying is not on that list because Commander Shepard cannot die. It is just something he has seen proven time and time again with every impossible, hopelessly outnumbered fight she has pulled her crew into and seamlessly pulled them back out of.
"What?" Garrus is wary; not sure if he should believe her words but sure she has no reason to lie. He runs her words over in his head as al-Jilani's face turns to something almost predatory.
"You haven't heard?" she says in slight astonishment. Her eyes are bright and piercing as she repeats what he's trying hard to understand. "The Normandy went down from an unknown attacker, taking half her crew and Commander Shepard down with her."
Reading human facial cues is second nature to Garrus', from time with C-Sec and the Alliance, so he sees every emotion that flickers across al-Jilani's face; sympathy for him, a bit of sadness at the galaxy's loss, excitement for the story she is getting, and something darker that he is starting to realize everyone—every-damn-one—has lurking beneath the surface.
It is that darkness that makes her lips twitch as she attempts to hold back her smile. That makes her keep talking instead of turning away and letting him process the loss of someone important to him in peace.
"This news must be disturbing," she coos in mock sympathy, eyes wild and dark.
And it is that darkness that Garrus later sees everywhere, even when he looks into a mirror.
"This hurts you."
Garrus is the only member of the crew blindsided by the news. By the time Alenko makes it to his small apartment the damage is already done. While they have never been close, the human and turian, once brothers in arms, both spend the night talking; trying to figure out how this could have happened. Joker shows up and Garrus knows better than to blame him for what has happened. Liara comes too, as the survivors of the attack have been brought to the Council to shed light on what took out the Normandy.
They do not know what it was—just not geth—and Garrus has nowhere to point the rage slowly and steadily building in him. Has no one to blame but her.
Damn her, he thinks. Damn her for being so fucking noble. For being so damn good in the end.
And, in his small apartment, surround by people he has come to trust over the last few months, Garrus realizes he was a fool for not saying anything. He was scared of rejection from her. He saw her shoot down Kaidan and Liara and he had no interest in embarrassing himself. But now it is too late. She is gone and he thinks… he thinks he loves her. How the hell that happened, when it happened, he doesn't know. It just did.
It's just a crush, he had reasoned on the ship, it'll pass.
Love is something else entirely.
Maybe if he said something, stayed with her instead running off as soon as the mission was over….
How can he love a dead woman?
"You will know pain."
Fuck buddies.
Is that all he is to her? Why would he be more than that, given how they started? Her actions and words so far have shown that she wants more from him, with him. But what she said, even if it was just the heat of the moment, cuts deep in an already open wound.
He had hoped, but now… now….
"Hope is irrelevant."
Shepard looks shocked as Garrus enters the cargo-bay, suited up for the ground mission to Horizon.
"I didn't know Archangel was joining us for this mission," Lawson says, distain clear in her voice as she crosses her arms. Ever since their first meeting the dark haired human woman hasn't liked him very much. He wonders why.
Shepard's surprise is gone and she pulls her best 'commander' look on. He wonders what she'll say as she levels her gaze on the XO.
"Yes," she confirms. "Considering we have no damn idea what we're about to face, I think the more the merrier," she easily lies and this time Garrus has to hold in his surprise. He expected more of a fight from her, but she has never been one to lose face in front of her crew, and another fight with him so soon might not end in her favor.
"In fact," she goes on as she looks from Lawson, to him, and to Dr. Solus. "EDI, tell Taylor and Goto to suit up. They're coming groundside too."
As they wait for the last two to show Shepard slips close to him, anger flashing in her bright eyes. "We are going to talk about this later, Garrus," she warns through gritted teeth.
Garrus keeps his face expressionless as he gives her a level stare. "Of course, Commander. Whatever you say." She narrows her eyes before turning away.
He does not care how mad she is at him, or if he was just a fling to her, he is not about let her jump into hell without him at her six.
"You will regret your resistance."
"Well that was fun," Kasumi says, lacking a great deal of her normal gusto. Everyone else is silent as they watch the Collector's ship disappear into the wide blue sky. They keep staring as the massive ship becomes a black speck against pale cerulean and even after it vanishes completely from their sight.
Garrus approaches Shepard's back. He has kept a cool head throughout the mission, easily falling in line with his old CO, and not once did he act unprofessional. But now that the mission seems to be drawing to a close he finds he can no longer block out the sound of the Collectors, the Reaper, calling for her, gunning solely for her. Every time Shepard so much as poked her head out of cover the Collectors honed in on her with disturbing accuracy and consistency.
'If I must tear you apart, I will.'
Garrus suppresses a shudder. He will die before he lets those bastards touch a hair on her head. Shepard doesn't seem outwardly bothered, but he noticed she moved closer to him as they watched the disappearing ship, and even now she lingers close to his side. Just within arm's reach and hand only inches from his.
A colonist shows up a few minutes later, the one they found hiding earlier, and Shepard ignores the man as he yells at her; she is still staring at the empty sky streaked with white from the ship cutting across it, her face devoid of emotion. It is Kasumi that diplomatically cools the man's tempter with honey words surely learned from her profession.
Garrus is slightly caught off guard as Shepard starts speaking; her voice so low he almost didn't hear her with Kasumi and the man still talking. "Garrus…" she whispers, voice softer than the breeze ruffling her hair and carrying her scent to him. "About earlier, on the ship, I'm—" she cuts herself off and he hears her breath hitch. "Kaidan."
For a second Garrus is glad to see the man. Kaidan has a happy smile on his face that Shepard quickly adopts as her own. Good, he thinks with real sincerity, she needs to know not everyone will turn their backs on her. Garrus even moves away to give them space as Kaidan pulls Shepard into a tight hug.
They start talking and the biotic's demeanor drastically changes; his body becomes coiled and tight, with the promise of a harsh jungle storm echoing in his dark eye. Then, with words that could only hurt from someone she holds close to her heart, Kaidan calls her a traitor and Shepard's eyes widen. Garrus hears the small, pained gasp she makes and sees her shoulders drop, almost in acceptance, and his body jolts like it's been blasted with electricity.
Traitor? That bastard thinks Shepard's a traitor? Alenko has no fucking clue what that word even remotely means if he's calling Shepard that. Garrus knows what it means. He knows too damn well what it means and Shepard's not one. No, she's the one damn good thing that the galaxy has. That he has.
Blind rage fills him and the next thing Garrus' knows Kaidan is on the ground with a bloody nose. Garrus isn't sure what's happening; only that he's mad. Mad at Kaidan for hurting Shepard, mad at Shepard for not seeing what Garrus has been offering her, mad at himself for failing his team, mad at Sidonis….
Really fucking mad at Sidonis.
Thing are fuzzy and his head is pounding. Pain erupts on the right side of his face as a hard hit land there. Like a good solider Kaidan is going for his weak points and Garrus can hear himself snarl in a way no well-bred turian would ever do in public. He has never been a good turian and the next sound he makes is less acceptable than the last.
There is a horrid warping sound ringing in Garrus' ears and both Kaidan and he are pried apart. Kaidan flares his own biotics, trying to break the hold, but from the corner of Garrus' eyes he can see that both Miranda and Jacob are combining theirs to hold them apart.
Someone is yelling and, once the pounding in his ears dies down, he can tell it is Shepard. What she's saying is beyond him, but just the sound of her voice is remarkably soothing.
With his feet firmly on the ground Shepard pulls him by his arm, telling the rest of the crew to stay and make sure the remaining colonists are fine, and for Mordin to patch Kaidan up. The commander pulls him into an empty housing building and she whirls on him, looking furious.
And beautiful. But, then again, she always looks beautiful to him.
He kisses her in the middle of 'What the fuck'. Shepard makes an angry hiss and moves to push him away, but he pushes her back first, his body still humming from adrenaline and his reactions faster. She hits the wall behind her as he advances on her, eyes never leaving hers.
"Don't fuck with me, Vakarian," she growls, voice low and incredibly dangerous. Garrus shivers at the heat in her eyes. It has been to long since he's touched her, since he's held her. The fuzzy haze that's been over him, not just now but for the past week, is finally lifting and he knows it is because of the fire in her. Bright and all consuming, burning away the mist and flooding his veins, making him feel alive again. There is no one in the universe than makes him feel like she does; no one has even remotely come close.
"Don't tempt me, Shepard," he warns with a voice smooth as silk as his eyes drinks in the sight of her. There is a pleasing flush to her cheeks he's come to admire and her soft, lush lips shimmer as her tongue darts out to wet them. Her eyes watch his and she shivers as her heartbeat sky rockets and her pupils dilate. His own body surges with heat seeing her reaction and he knows she's turned on, his visor guarantees it.
Shepard stands taller, her face only inches away and her hot breath washing over him, and sneers, "Tempt you? To do what? What will Archangel do? Last I checked he was all alone locked in the damn battery. He doesn't seem worth my time anymore."
Garrus almost laughs. Damn, she really does know how to push his buttons, huh? A part of him is pleased she knows him well enough to be able to, and another is pleased he can push hers in return just the same.
Garrus lightly shoves her to the wall again and quickly turns her so her armored chest is pressed to it. A small, excited gasp escapes her before she can stop it as he pulls her arms behind her and pins her hard to the wall. Garrus finds his breathing is becoming hard to control as he moves his mouth next to her ear and slowly licks the delicate shell. It earns him a deep, needy moan she tries, and fails, to hold in. Shepard twists her head back and glares at him with one eye as he rocks his hips against hers, the sound of armor hitting armor loud in the empty room.
"Don't you even think of doing something here! Getting caught once wasn't enough?" she yells with increasing strain in her voice as Garrus drags his mouth across her cheek and frees a hand to turn her head more to him, so he can press his mouth firmly to hers. He wonders if her reaction is automatic as she doesn't hesitate to open her mouth to him.
She's right. He should back away and wait until they are back on the ship. Aria's still a loose-end dangling precariously over them. It's just he's… afraid. Afraid of a lot of things; of all the ways he can lose her. Of all the ways they can let each other down. Of all the things—so many blasted things—that can go wrong at any moment. So, just for right now, he doesn't want to think of any of them.
"Then you better keep quiet," he states as he breaks the kiss and slips his free hand down the front of her armor. He knows where her clasps are and, in seconds, the metal hits the ground hard. He pulls his glove free with his teeth and his hand darts between her legs. Her eyes widen and her body shivers against him in anticipation, even as she tries hard to keep a glare on her face.
"Garrus you, ah, you… bastard…oh," Shepard gasps, her back arching as he rubs her through her suit. Slipping a digit between her suit's slit, he feels she's ready for him and finds he doesn't have it in him to tease her today. Her head presses against the wall and she gives a guttural moan as he pushes his long finger as deep as he can. "Garrus," she pleads with nothing but want in her voice and his armor is now becoming very painful.
Garrus releases her wrist to undo his armor and Shepard doesn't move, only braces her hands on the wall and waits. She presses back against him as he grabs her hips and he gives them a firm squeeze.
"Do you want me?" He can't help it. Their time together in her loft means more to him than he can stand and he wants to believe that they really are more than just 'fuck buddies'.
Because she makes him happy too, because she….
"Yes," she repeats his response, only he doesn't give her the relief she gave him. He holds himself only an inch from entering her, her heat overwhelming and familiar.
"Good," he growls. "I want you to ache for me, Shepard. Like I do for you." He leans forwards and nips at her neck. "Every minute of every day."
"I do." Her hands tighten into fists against the wall. "I already do. You're an idiot if you can't see that." Her head's still pressed to the wall and she turns slightly to look at him with one bright eye. "I meant it when I said I was yours, Garrus." Spirits, she has beautiful eyes.
It is as he's pressing himself inside her that he wants to say it. He knows she has heard his recording, so she's heard him admit it once. But he needs to say it, because today showed they really are in some deep shit.
While he may have spent two years pining for a dead woman, he's spent the last month falling hard for a living one. Turians are not an emotional breed in general, and because of that they have learned to trust their feelings; to trust their instincts. So Garrus knows what he feels now is real.
He loves her, but he knows it's not mutual. Not yet. So he holds the words in for another time.
He starts thrusting and Shepard cries out, her body trembling as he gives her all he's got. Her breath is coming out in hard, fast puffs and soon his is the same. Garrus steps back and pulls her slightly from the wall, taking more of her weight into his hands. Her hands slip down as he moves, clawing at the wall as he drills into her and gouging long marks into it with her armored gloves.
She reaches back with one hand, to ease his pace maybe, but his hand grips her wrist and he pulls them both back farther, until only her free hand is touching the wall and she's bent fully over. He's holding her hip as she rocks on her feet, freely pounding into her with no restraint, spurred by the wonderful sounds she is making and his name, only his name, on her lips. She comes with him still going strong and it's not until her second climax that he joins her.
They're both panting as he pulls her upright and she turns to him. They look at each other as they catch their breath and he is caught off guard by the half-smile that suddenly pops on her face, and even more by the light laugh she lets out.
Gently she cups his wounded cheek and he leans down to press his head to hers. Her smile widens and her eyes twinkle as she says, "You're in so much shit, Garrus. So much. A thresher maw couldn't dig its way out."
"You are arrogant, you will learn."
Once dressed, Shepard rips into him. He's never heard one person use so many curses in his life (other than Wrex, maybe). Human, krogan, asari, turian, quarian, and he's pretty sure there is hanar in there too. At one point Garrus is actually scared. Scared, not because she's the captain, but because he is sure she's planning something. No one pisses off Commander Shepard and gets away with it for long. No one.
"And I swear to the motherfucking Spirits I will rip off your fringe and use it to stab a Collector in the eye if you do that shit again. I already have to deal with the whole crew acting like this is a god damn space cruise and I'm their jolly fucking tour guide. I don't need your quad-less ass starting fights on rescue missions. With someone we're rescuing! And Goddess' be damned if you say you were defending my honor, because I'm not a lady and you're no fucking gentlemen."
Hmm, stay quiet and not piss her off more, or… "I do remember you saying my visor's like a monocle once."
Shepard looks crossed between laughing and punching him. Mostly punching.
"And I am quite dashing." Hell, if he's going down, he might as well go in style. "Even with the scars—Especially with the scars."
"You… are… infuriating," she hisses out between clenched teeth. "You worry me fucking sick for days and now you just keep pissing me off?" She turns and stomps away. "You're going to pay for this, you asshole!" She looks back and glares. "Pay."
Oh, yeah, he's scared.
Defiantly scared.
Damn, it's just to fun to mess with her sometimes. Plus, she's safe for the time being, and he rather have her angry at him than dwelling on their last mission. Something he wishes he could stop thinking about.
"You escaped us before, not again."
Shepard's fury dies down a bit as they regroup with the ground crew. Her eyes immediately fall on Kaidan and Garrus prepares himself for whatever is about to happen, because the biotic still looks angry. Mordin is hovering over him, muttering something about Kaidan's implant not being efficient, but Kaidan brushes the doctor aside as he walks towards them with firm strides. Jacob and Miranda both shuffle closer with stiff shoulders and Kasumi lets out a long sigh. There are colonists around to, looking lost and heartbroken. Looking expectantly at them—all of them—and Garrus feels the weight of another failure on his shoulders.
"So is this why you didn't come to the memorial service? Why you disappeared?" Kaidan quietly demands, looking past Shepard to him. "You knew she was alive?"
"Memorial…?" Shepard mumbles in surprise as she looks between them. "I… had a funeral?"
Kaidan looks at her. "Not just you. Everyone who actually died had a service." His hands tighten into fist.
Garrus takes a deep breath and asks, "Do you actually want to know, Kaidan? Or are you just going to hear what you want to hear?" He moves to stand at Shepard's side. "She already told you what happened, why we are working with Cerberus, but all you heard was 'Cerberus'. Did you hear the part about her dying? About the Collectors? Are you that damn blind?"
Kaidan narrows his eyes and counters, "And are you really that gullible, Garrus?"
"Enough," Shepard says, stepping closer to Kaidan and turning so she can easily see them both. "If you don't believe me about my death, that's fine. If you want to believe I've been dicking around with the Cerberus for two years, fine. But you can't pretend like the Collectors aren't a threat." She waves her hand at the colonist hovering off to the sides. "Not when these people just lost their families and friends. It's up to you to make sure the Alliance doesn't turn a blind eye to this, Kaidan. Understood?"
Kaidan bristles at her tone. "It's Staff Commander Alenko now. And we will not be ignoring this." He looks pointedly at her crew. "Any of this."
Shepard gives a small huff and a strange lopsided smile. "That's all I ask, Commander."
"You cannot escape your destiny."
Like a fool it takes Garrus hours after returning to the Normandy to think about Shepard and her endless curiosity, and he's rushing from the battery to the elevator as he does. The lock on her door is green and he enters without knocking and no objection from EDI.
But it's too late to stop her.
The room is dark with the fish tank's soft glow lighting the room. The shutter to her skylight is closed and the only other light is from her computer's screen, which Shepard is sitting in front of. She's mostly undressed, looking like she had pulled off her armor and undersuit and stopped at that. Her knees are drawn up to her chest as she sits with her arms around them. He can't see her face, only the stretch of her undershirt across her back.
"Why didn't you go?" Her voice sounds far off and tired in the dark room. Past her, the screen lets out a sharp pop, then another and another: gun shots, human tradition for fallen soldiers.
"Why didn't you go to my funeral?"
More shrill pops and then a song starts to play. The song has always sounded horribly off key to him.
"The human networks think it's because of a grudge from the First Contact War," she starts. "The turians think it's because human ceremonies are unnecessary and too showy. The salarians think you had something more important to do with your time. The asari—"
"Think we had a secret affair, as there were rumors that you hooked up with a crew member. It was between Liara and Kaidan, until I didn't show up. And that interview didn't help," Garrus interrupts as he leans back on the wall right behind her. "I know what they said. All of them." He never regretted not going. Not even now. There was nothing there but an empty casket, after all. "Five days before your funeral the Council officially stated that it was geth that attacked the Citadel and the Normandy. Three days before, they released a statement saying you were suffering from mental episodes and that you would see hallucinations. The day before they called you a liar… I was on a shuttle off that station the next day."
Shepard is quiet as her hand reaches out and pauses the video. "What interview?"
Garrus shakes his head, but stops once he remembers she's not looking at him. "It doesn't matter. None of this does. You're alive, Shepard. That's all that matters."
She gives a soft laugh. "Am I, Garrus? How can I be sure? How do I know this isn't limbo? Isn't hell? That I'm not about to spend eternity fighting something I'll never beat?" She stands suddenly and faces him. Her eyes like stone and her face blank, but that façade quickly breaks as her eyes meet his.
"I remember," she states as she turns and looks at the closed skylight. "I know you don't believe it happened, that Cerberus brought me back to life, but I know I died." She folds her arms across her chest and ducks her head, like she trying to retreat inside herself. It strikes him hard—how small she looks, how lost and far off she sounds—and he can only stand there frozen as she finally tells him her fears.
"I suffocated, clawing at my suit, hoping that for once, for fucking once, someone would save me for a damn change. And what did I get? I'm nothing but a Cerberus experiment. More monster than human. How can you stand to touch me? To even look at me?"
Garrus' throat is too tight for him to talk, but she's moving before his can even think of a response to her admission. She pulls open a drawer in her desk and takes out a hand full of omni-tool. There are over half a dozen and she hands them out to him.
"I've been meaning to give these to you. I went back and… cleaned up. I didn't what any families they have being targeted. I couldn't find Bulter or Erash…"
And just like that he knows the opening she gave him is gone, that she will not speak about her troubles again, not when she's set on taking care of his.
"They… were on the bridge and they… fell." His throat feels thick, like he's seconds from suffocating (the comparison only makes him think of her death and he feels a wave of guilt at it) and he numbly takes the tools. Shepard nods in understanding and his mind is a mix of thoughts. He didn't even think of going back and covering their tracks. Erash has no family he can think of, but Butler has a wife and young son….
Shepard speaks up and says, all business, "We can head back. Now that you're better I'm sure there are some loose-ends you need to deal with," before he can ask.
Sidonis pops into his head, but he knows that's not what she means.
"Yeah, there are."
They stand there for a while just looking at each other. The weight in his hand reminds him of his commitment to the dead and what he owes them, but he wonders does it out weight his duty to the woman in front of him.
She's strong and he's sure, with time, she'll handle her problems on her own, she's Commander Shepard after all. And the dead can't rest—he can't rest—until justice is served.
Garrus turns and heads to the door, knowing what he must do.
"This changes nothing."
"I am the Harbinger of your perfection."
"I am unstoppable."
"Your death is assured."
"I will find you again, Shepard."
.
.
.
"I will find you again."
