A/N: Okay, okay. I know that this one doesn't have as much SB/Sandy romance as my other stories do, but it still has some, so don't get mad at me!! Also, note that Sandy is a bit out of character in terms of seeming clingy and unstable to merely show and add more effect that guys are completely CLUELESS when it comes to women (no offense, fellas!). Well, pretty pretty please, R&R:-)
Chapter 4: He's The Man
Later on that day--six hours later to be exact--SpongeBob was at the Krusty Krab, trying to stay awake. Sandy had called him just thirty minutes after their conversation to give a long list of all the things she hated about Larry. Sure, SpongeBob was up for listening, but Sandy wouldn't quit talking! Oh, it was all this about how self-absorbed Larry was, and how much he had loved the women, and how much she wanted to pinch his face in. Needless to say SpongeBob was very happy to hear this news, but he just had to get some sleep!
Finally, Sandy got off the phone--two minutes before SpongeBob's alarm clock went off.
Through first nature, he hopped out of bed and drowsily yelled: "I'm ready." But no sooner had he stod up did he groan and plop back down on his bed. Gary slithered up to him.
"Meow," he said.
"No! I am NOT tired and I can TO make it through work! Just wa--snoooooooore--"
Gary shook his head and whipped out a trumpet. He blew into it and played that little song they use to wake up the troops and SpongeBob's eyes flew open.
"Who-what-when-huh!?" the sponge said, taken by surprise. He saw Gary looking up at him.
"Meow," Gary siad in an I-told-you-so voice. SpongeBob snatched the trumpet out of his snail's hands.
"Very funny, Gary," he said, standing up and swaying uneasily. Everything was a blur around him.
"Aw, man," he said in a sleepy voice, "I haven't felt this bad since the writers of the SpongeBob SquarePants Movie thought it would be funny for me to get drunk off of ice cream.."
FLASHBACK...
"Gawhhhh," SpongeBob said as he swallowed one more gulp of his "Double Dutch" beverage. Patrick was sitting next to him, drinking the same thing, but he didn't seem to feel any different. Steve (that's Stephen Hillenburg,) was on the other side of him, cheering him on.
"C'mon, SpongeBob--just a few more downs of alchol and you'll be wasted enough to do this scene the right way!" he said with a broad, encouraging smile.
"Why can't I just act like I'm drunk; I'm an actor, that's what you pay me to do!" SpongeBob had said angrily.
"Oh, suck it up, SquarePants!" Steve shot back. "Look: Patrick's nearly--"
"BUUUUURP!"
"--Finished with his drink!"
"I'm just...I'm just not this kind of guy, Stephen! You know SpongeBob would never do somethin' like this, or you should know! You created me for God's sake!"
"I know--"
"You're the one who made me a twenty-one year old sap who still thinks he's a kid, works at a fast food joint--"
"I know, but--"
"And doesn't have a girlfriend!! My life's misery is all your doing!!"
"Perfect! That's the kind of sorrow we need for this scene to boost our ratings! Okay, you're drunk enough--let's roll."
FLASHBACK OVER...
SpongeBob waved good bye to Gary and staggered outside. He began to crawl over to the Krusty Krab, when all of a sudden--
He saw her coming...
"SpooooongeBoooooob!"
SpongeBob felt himself stiffen.
"It's...her..."
"Hey, SpongeBob--ready to go catch that moive?"
"AHHHHH! I've gotta hide! Gotta hide, gotta hide, gotta hide--"
But it was too late. Sandy was already right behind him.
"Hide from what?"
glass-breaking sound
"Uh...nothing, hehe! Nothing at all...I was just...role playing! Yeah, that's it! I'm pretending to be that guy who gets smushed in Godzilla!"
Sandy laughed. "Well quit playin' Performing Arts School and let's get goin'!"
SpongeBob held back. "Sandy, I've got work--remember, SIX HOURS AGO!?!"
"Oh, forget about work. Squidward can cover for you, right?"
-------------------------------------------------------------------
"Squidward, will you cover for me?"
"When pigs fly."
"Great! Say, what's a pig?"
--------------------------------------------------------------------
"Uh...yeah, I--I guess he could. But first I have to go find a flying pig," SpongeBob replied.
For some reason, this statement made Sandy begin to tear up a bit. All SpongeBob needed ot hear were the first few sniffs before he realized that she had started up again.
"Oh no--uh, Sandy...Sandy I didn't mean that in a bad--"
"Y-Y-Y-You're leaving me...? In...my time of need??"
"No! No, who said I was leaving you--"
"You said you had to go find a flying pig!"
"Well, that's only because Squidward asked me to so that he could cover for--"
"What kind of idiot do you think I am!? Everybody knows pigs can't fly!!"
"...Oh...now I get it...he said 'when pigs fly' because they don't fly at all, meaning that he'd never--yes, I see it!"
Sandy automatically started bawling. "OHHHH, YOU HATE ME!!!" she cried. SpongeBob couldn't believe what he was hearing.
"What?? Who said that I--"
"YOU DON'T EVEN WANNA HANG OUT WITH ME! YOU JUST WANT ME TO LEAVE YOU ALOOOOONE!!!"
"Sandy, I--"
WAAAAAH!"
"Sandy--"
"WAHAHA!"
"Sandy--"
"WAHHA!"
"ALRIGHT ALREADY! I WILL DO WHATEVER YOU WANT ME TO DO! ANYTHING TO GET YOU TO STOP CRYING!!"
Sandy automatically stopped and threw her arms around him. "Oh, thank-you, SpongeBob! You're the best!" she said.
SpongeBob rolled his eyes. "Yeah, I'm the best--now--sigh--what do you want to do?" he asked her.
Sandy smiled. "You mean what don't I wanna do!"
"...00..."
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Just picture a scene in which SpongeBob is being pulled by Sandy all around town doing various girly things like getting facials, massages, shoe-shopping, going to book clubs, and renting Father Of The Bride parts I & II, While You Were Sleeping, and The Wedding Planner. Their day ends with the two of them taking several pictures in one of those picture booths at the mall. In each one Sandy is smiling broadly, and SpongeBob wears a forced smile or looks very troubled. When this little scene thingy ends they are at the Nail Shop, and SpongeBob is getting a French Tip.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
"You know, you should really stop biting your nails. These things are almost gone!"
SpongeBob shook his head. "I don't bite my nails. The stressfulness of today is wearing them down."
Just then, Sandy walked up to him. "Howdy, SpongeBob--ooh, those look really pretty," she said, holding up his hand to examine his nails.
"Hehe. Thank-you," SpongeBob replied through gritted teeth.
"Well, stay right there, I'm gonna go pick out my color. Oh, and I thought that maybe after this we could go catch She's Having A Baby 3 at the movies," she said to him.
SpongeBob paled. "But--but--I thought we were gonna go see Kung Fu Ninja Warriors vs. The Mutant Three Little Pigs!" he cried.
Sandy eyed him suspicously. "Why would we wanna go see that violence-filled movie?"
"That's exactly why: it's violence-filled! We love violence, remember??"
"..."
"Uh...I mean...I just thought we were gonna go see a--a less sensitive movie since I'm kinda still teared up from Father Of The Bride.."
Sandy placed a hand over her heart and smiled. "Awww, me too!" she said. "Tell ya what: before the movie starts, we'll go out and buy some of those Puffs Plus Scented Tissues, okay?"
"Uh--"
"Great. Be right back!"
"Uh, okay then.."
SpongeBob waited until Sandy was completely out of sight before turning to the woman who was doing his nails. "Five bucks says I can get outta here without a word," he said.
"Sure does," the woman replied, snatching up the five dollar bill.
SpongeBob darted swiftly past Sandy and headed outside of teh salon, where he crouched down in a corner and pulled out his new cell phone (Sandy thought it was important that they stay in touch at all times. They were in the same network, you know). He dialed the Krusty Krab's number. A very-stressed Squidward answered the other line.
"--pant, pant--H-Hello??"
"Squidward! I'm so glad I got in touch with you!"
"SpongeBob!? Where in Neptune's name are you, it's one of our busiest days of the year!!"
"Really? Aw, man...does Mr.Krabs know I'm not there?"
"No. I covered for you."
"You did? But Squidward, I didn't even bring you a flying pig yet--"
"Never mind that, you moron! Just get over here now!"
"O--Okay, Squidward, I'll try. But first I need some advice--"
"Get your own doctor, SquarePants!"
click.
"Squidward...hello, Squidward? Hello? Are you there? Squidward??"
"SpongeBob--where'd ya go, BFF?"
"AHHHH! I'VE GOTTA GET OUT OF HERE!!"
And with that, SpongeBob leapt up and darted off back to the pineapple. He ran teh fastest he'd ever run in his entire life, adn felt a wave of reliefe whent he entered the Krusty Krab.
He gave a thumbs-up to Squidward, who merely glared at him as he flipped a burger with one hand and served several angry customers with the other. SpongeBob's quickly looked down at his feet and hurried into the kitchen.
"Phew!" SpongeBob said when he got inside. "Home free!"
"Not quite!"
"AHH! MR. KRABS!!"
"That's right, lad!"
"Mr. Krabs! I--I--this isn't what it looks like!!"
"So, you thought you could sneak out on 'ol Mr. Krabs, eh? Well you were far from rihgt, lad. Far from it!"
"Mr. Krabs, please try to understand! I didn't mean to--"
"Step into me office, boy!"
"...Yes, sir..."
SpongeBob entered the office and took a seat, while Mr. Krabs sat behind his desk. For a long time the two said nothing, and MR. Krabs just stared at SpongeBob with a piercing gaze, taping his fingers on teh desk. You could cut the tension with a butterknife.
"So..." Mr. Krabs began, "You took a little vacation...tried to play a game of hooky, huh?"
"Well, not exact--"
"Tried to pull the wool over old Eugene's eyes, did ya?"
"You see I--"
"Thought you could slip right past me unseen, and then expect Squidward to cover for ya?"
"Well, I--yes, sir."
"Why, lad?"
"Well...Sandy just broke up with Larry and she was feeling really bad, so--"
"No, I mean why'd you ask Squidward to cover for you? I mean really,of all people..."
"Oh, I know, Mr. Krabs! It's just that...Sandy needed me to help her get through this whole thing, so I decided to take a day off for her."
Mr. Krabs' expressin softened. "Oh...well that was nice of ya."
"But I regret ever doing it!"
"Uh...what...?"
SpongeBob sighed. "Mr. Krabs!" he said, "Ever since Sandy and Larry broke up, it's been nothing but shopping sprees, and chick flics, and worst of all: FACIALS!"
"So...can't the lass have a little fun?"
"I meant me, not her!"
"...Oh...uh--well, if, uh, that's what your into boy..then I guess..uh--"
"No, Mr. Krabs, not like that! I mean that ever since the break-up, Sandy's been using me to do all sorts of girly things with her, and I can't take much more of it!!! There, I said it!!"
There was a long pause in which Mr. Krabs looked at SpongeBob blankly. Then, after a moment or two, he threw his head back and laughed.
"Aaaaaagugugugugugugu! Agugugugu! SpongeBob, me boy, is that all that's troublin' ye?"
"Um--yes?"
"Well then, that can be settled in no time at all! SpongeBob, what is Sandy?"
"Uh...a squirrel?"
"Well...yes, but what else is she?"
"...Pretty...?"
"Er--yeah, she is, but that's not the specific answer I'm lookin' for."
"Can I have a hint?"
Mr. Krabs sighed. "She's a woman, SpongeBob."
"She is!? Wow."
"My God, have you been livin' in a box for the past twelve years?? Yes, she's a woman. A girl. A female."
"Oh, okay!"
"Yes, very good...now, whenever a woman suffers a break up, she usually turns to one of her girlfriends to help her get through it. They go shopping, they...they get their hair done, they do all kinds of ridiculous stuff to make them feel better. They enjoy that kind of stuff, SpongeBob, adn us males call it 'A Woman Splurge'. They seem to get some sort of kick outta purchasing a tube of lipstick. I honestly don't see what the big deal is."
"Me either, Mr. Krabs. But--Sandy's never been the type to go shopping, or get her naiils done, or any of that stuff before. She's more of the...rugged type. So why is she doing it now?"
"Well, SpongeBob, when a female is going through a hard time, there are several different ways she can deal with it: she can eat herself out of house and home, she can sit and cry about it all day long, she can find happiness in the bottom f her father's wallet--I've had that one before--or, in Sandy's case, she can she can do everything she couldn't do before--she can be girly. Get it?"
"I think so, Mr. Krabs. Wow, yoku sure do know a lot about women!"
Mr. Krabs chuckled. "Well lad, I've had a lot of expierience," he said with a sly wink.
"Just one more question.." SpongeBob said.
"What's that, boy?"
"Why does Sandy feel the need to bring me along to her, uh--Woman Splurge?"
Mr. Krabs clapped a hand over his face. "SpongeBob, were you even listenin' to a word I just said??"
"Of course I was! I just wanna know!"
"You should already know! Sandy is draggin' you along becuase she feels comfortable enough around you to do things she would normally do with...a..girl...huh..."
"What is it, Mr. Krabs?'
"Oh, uh...it's nothing, lad, nothing at all, just that...maybe you should excercise your male status a bit more.."
"Really? How do you do that?" SpongeBob asked brightly.
"Well..for starters, you've gotta let Sandy know that you mean business, 'cause you're the man, right?"
"Yeah...yeah, you're right...I am the man!"
"And as the man, you're not gonna let a woman tell you what to do, right?"
"Right!"
"You've got a mind of your own, right!?"
"Yeah!"
"And you're not gonna let somebody tell you how you wanna live your life, right?!"
"Yeah, yeah!"
"YOU'RE GONNA DO WHAT YOU WANT, HOW YOU WANT IT, WHEN YOU WANT IT RIGHT?!
"Right!"
"'Cause you're what!?"
"I'm a man!"
"I can't hear you: you said you're what, now!?!"
"I'm a man!!"
"Who's the man!?"
"I'm the man!?"
"Who's the man!?"
"I'm the man!"
Who's the man!?"
"IM THE MAN!! YEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAHHHHH!"
SpongeBob then stood on top of his chair and pretended to make a touchdown.
"Oh, Mr. Krabs; I feel so empowered! I'm gonna go straight over to Sandy's house and tell her how things are gonna be from now on!"
"After work," Mr. Krabs put in, placing the Krusty Krab uniform hat on his employee's head.
"Huh? Oh, yeah. That too!"
And with that, SpongeBob marched outside chanting the chorus to "Be A Man" from Mulan.
"That's me boy, SpongeBob! The boy who's not comin' back without a few scratches..." Mr. Krabs siad, beginning to count his money.
