A/N: This is almost the end of the road for these two and I hope you've enjoyed their journey. I'm horrible with naming, so I stole the baby's name from my friend's kid with her permission (or more, I told her I wrote a story and used her daughter's name – she just laughed). The name isn't mine, but the reasons behind it are all me and pure fiction. Sorry it took me so long to update, but I got caught up in the fictional world of Skyrim and couldn't seem to drag myself away long enough to edit.
Inspiration: "Shameless" by Garth Brooks, "Anymore" by Travis Tritt, & "Hell on the Heart" by Eric Church
Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage – Lao Tzu
"When are you going to put Logan out of his misery?"
I bit into my lasagna with relish because I was hungry, but also because it gave me a few extra seconds before I was forced to answer. I drew out my chewing and swallowing as long as possible.
"What do you mean?"
You know you've been friends with someone too long when the wide-eyes and head tilt doesn't even make him blink. Wallace merely chuckled at my innocent act and took a sip of his beer, but I wasn't foolish enough to think the subject was dropped. It was something Dad brought up on a regular basis, and with Lauren's first birthday party winding down, it left the adults with nothing to focus on except each other. Or in this case, Logan and I.
"Girl, don't play like that. He watches you like he did in high school, as if you were the only glass of water in a hundred miles of desert."
I looked over to the man in question, and found him cradling our daughter against his chest as he softly sang to her. She was fussy earlier and only wanted "Gan" to hold her, which wasn't uncommon, and a relief for me. I loved my child, but I was also worn down from running around getting the house ready for guests and hungry beyond belief since I hadn't had anything to eat all day.
"You're probably mistaking that for indigestion. He ate something with tomatoes and you know how it unsettles his stomach."
Wallace tipped my chin upward with a finger and made me meet his eyes. Mac was my closest female friend, but he was my best friend, probably the best one I had since Lilly's death (sometimes I even had the traitorous thought he was better than her because he never caused me the same heartache). I couldn't resist the gentle look on his face and sighed.
"We're taking it slow. I don't want to make the same mistakes we made when we were younger especially since it's not just us anymore." I bit my lip and stared at my twisting hands. "I'm afraid of how well things are going."
I expected many reactions, but rolling laughter definitely didn't even make the list. My head snapped up and I glared at him, which only increased his mirth. When he nearly fell out of his chair, I huffed and stomped across the yard to the buffet table to get more food. Logan met me there with a sleepy bundle of long blonde hair and legs.
"I'm going to put Lauren to bed. Christy is here to keep an eye on her while we're with the guests." He pointed out our nanny standing on the patio with a flick of his chin. "I'll be right back."
I nodded guiltily, because not every mom was fortunate enough to employ a part-time nanny, and it made me feel distinctly 09er, but she was a godsend I'd quickly found myself unable to do without. The first few months after Lauren's birth were rough as I experienced postpartum depression and refused to leave my dad's house, positive the negative influences in Neptune would somehow reach out to ruin my baby. I hadn't wanted Lauren in the first place, but once she was here, I couldn't be parted from her without having a panic attack. No one was able to get through to me until Logan showed up one day and simply took Lauren from the crib while she was crying, probably induced by my own spate of exhausted tears, and wouldn't give her back until I showered and ate something. He told me flat out he was moving the two of us into his house in Huntington Beach and there wasn't anything I could do about it. Since my dad was on board, something that still shocks me, and essentially kicked me out, I had no recourse but to move in.
"Are you finally going to give a dog a bone when we leave?"
I quickly turned my head away from Logan's retreating back and looked at the speaker.
"Et tu, Mac?"
She smiled even as she ate the remaining cake on her plate, probably left over from whatever her sons Oscar and Henry hadn't managed to mash in their hair.
"You've lived together nearly a year and neither of you are dating or sleeping with anyone else. Are you going to make him remain celibate until the Bulge goes to college?"
I could feel a flush staining my cheeks and working down my chest. I hadn't felt like a sexual being for a long time and it was only the last few weeks I started to regain any sense of femininity. Yesterday morning I had come downstairs in my bra and panties because all of my clean clothes were in the laundry room and had run into Logan coming in from the side door which lead to the beach. He'd been surfing, a hobby he didn't get a lot of chance to indulge in with his work schedule. The long sweep of desire-filled eyes had heated my flesh and made me crave close contact, our bodies almost but not quite touching. I'd quivered and waited for him to kiss me, but he'd gallantly stepped back and immediately went to his private bathroom for a shower. A very cold one, if the lump in his wetsuit was any indication.
"Honey, you know I love you, and I wasn't always a fan of Logan, but you two are miles past all the bad road. You have a child together - " she held up her hand, "- Yes, Lauren isn't his biological kid, but you see how he treats her, she might as well be. When are you going to admit he's changed? You've changed?"
I nodded even as tears gathered at the corners of my eyes. It was true. When we dated in our early twenties, I'd complained because he didn't have a set plan for when we graduated and always ignored his counter argument that no one had a blueprint for life. I needed to know what and where I was going so I could exert control over every aspect of my existence. His cavalier attitude towards life had spooked me so much, I neglected to think that perhaps he was right and it was normal to figure it out as you went along. Now, even I couldn't argue Logan wasn't a responsible, tax-paying, fully functioning adult who no longer drank or partied, but commuted between his work place and home because he wanted to be with his family. And there was no doubt in my mind he considered Lauren and me family.
"I love him, Mac. I really do."
My admission was quiet and heart-felt, as I could finally admit to her what everyone else had always known: Logan Echolls was my true love. In all of our years together, through thick and thin, those three little words were the only ones I never said straight to his face. He'd always asked and I would answer affirmatively, but I didn't offer them of my own volition nor did I even think to. Logan was a genius at figuring out how my mind worked, so I assumed him knowing I loved him was as good as hearing it.
"Bond, you two been through more in your teens than most people go through in their entire lives. It's cliche-sounding, but it doesn't make it any less true. I never told you this because I was afraid you'd get mad -" her deep breath puzzled me. Was I really that scary to my friends? "- I think you breaking up with him when you went to Virginia and then dating Ted, no matter how it ended, was the best thing for you two. You needed to learn how to be apart and be normal. Epic is tough to sustain."
I tilted my head as I studied her. The high-powered corporate sellout wasn't reflected in the jeans-wearing, t-shirt stained, flip-flopped mom standing here, but to me she would always be my streaky-haired Q who always had my back even when I asked her to do slightly (sometimes more than slightly) illegal things. Maybe that was the point – I tended to hold onto the past and looked at the people in my life through that lens, instead of who they presently were. Having Lauren forced me to see Logan in a whole new light: before her, he was still the sixteen year old who hurt me so badly after I'd already suffered through the abrupt ending of my first relationship, the murder of my dearest friend, my mother's desertion, and waking up with no memory of why my panties were on the floor. His own demons spurred his attitude, which I knew logically, but my heart still carried a grudge and I'd continued to take it out on him long past the point of just desserts into pointless vengeance.
"I just am so afraid with everything going so well..."
I cut off abruptly when she started giggling, her hands shaking so much she had to put the plate down on the table next to her. I put my hands on my hips and scowled at her.
"What the hell is so amusing about my fear?"
I waited a minute or more as she finally got a hold of herself and straightened up enough to put on a more serious face.
"Only Veronica Mars would be worried when things are going well." She shook her head, a large smile wobbling her lips. "I know you two seem better when operating under duress, but you can't do that forever and definitely not with a kid. It's not healthy."
My mouth curled into a pout as I crossed my arms across my chest. When Logan and I were teens, summertime was the easiest season for us because we didn't have the pressure of real life; this carried over into our adult relationship as well. Now, however, I didn't have the same guide because we'd been apart for so long and it was trickier because of different expectations. We had a child to rear, though we hadn't ever really talked about it. Logan moved us in and that was that, no real discussion about our future other than the little speech he'd given me before my water broke. I didn't doubt he still felt the same, but it seemed easier to just pretend the conversation about marriage hadn't happened; Logan was following my lead as usual and probably didn't want to rock the boat. We were together, but not.
"You don't get it. We talk all the time; about the house, Lauren, his job, my business. But we don't talk about marriage or sex or...or...anything important." Like our future or our past.
Mac took my hands in hers to stop the wringing motion and I stared at her pretty face, realizing for the first time she had the faint beginnings of laugh lines fanning from her eyes and around her mouth. It was disconcerting because we were all ageless and seventeen in my mind.
"He loves you, you love him. It's simple. Stop being a girl and go be Veronica Mars."
I grinned at the last, amused to see she equated guts and glory with my name. I dropped a quick kiss on her cheek and flicked a quick glance over her shoulder, seeing nearly everyone had drifted away except for Dad, Harmony, Wallace, and Mac's husband Felix. Weevil hadn't made it, nor did I really expect him since he was following up a lead for a case in Utah.
"I have guests left and it would be rude to leave them."
Mac rolled her eyes as she pulled away from me.
"Please, the only ones left are family and we're all tired of waiting for the Love Train to pull out of the station."
I stuck out my tongue at her reference to the juvenile name she and Wallace came up with for Logan and I when we dated the first time. She laughed, the sullen outcast girl I befriended in high school changed by the power of contentment. I'm sure there's a lesson in there somewhere, but I was too keyed up about Logan to think about it much. Her hands were firm when she turned me around and pushed me towards the house.
"Go get your man."
I threw up my middle finger, comforted by her giggle, and kept on walking in the direction she'd pointed me. It was past time we had a frank and honest discussion, two words rarely used in the same sentence as my name, and I had to start it. Logan would hold off indefinitely because he was very determined to keep to his promise of waiting for me. If a year of celibacy and not even a hint of another woman (I would like to say I know that for sure because I trusted him and not because I tagged his car, but then I would be lying), couldn't convince me of his sincerity then nothing would.
"You look like you're about to step in front of a firing squad."
I stumbled backward as my internal musings had so drowned out my external surroundings, I hadn't even realized he was standing in front of me when I reached the mid point landing on the stairs.
"I, uh, was, um," c'mon Veronica, you can do better than this, "coming to check on the Bulge." Ok, baby steps. No pun intended.
Logan eyed me strangely, probably at my uncharacteristic stuttering, and crossed his arms.
"Don't think I could sing Wheels on the Bus right?"
For whatever reason, Lauren absolutely loved that song. That song and her threadbare bunny were absolutely necessary for a good night's sleep. On more than one occasion she'd woken up from a complete dead sleep when we laid her down in her bed, eyes rounded with tears over her bedtime staples.
"Of course not. Lately it seems only you can do it right. She actually put her fingers over my lips when I tried to sing it to her the other night and cried for you."
I tried not to be disgruntled by my child's decided preference for Logan at bedtime, but it was hard sometimes. It seemed like she loved him more than me, which was absurd to think of a toddler, but it touched on my biggest fear: I was such a horrible mother even my kid knew it.
The wretch chuckled and dragged me into his arms. "Lauren tried to get me to sing it to her more than once. She's only one and she already has the tilt going on. I fear for the boys of her generation." He released me to mime loading a shot gun. "Good thing I'll be prepared when they come knocking."
I shook my head at him even as I secretly thrilled to his words. It was one more indication he saw himself with us for the long haul and really did think of Lauren as his kid; even Dad commented on Logan's parenting skills, saying he was a natural. It warmed my heart that my men were now friends because it would've been difficult choosing between them. Looking back, I know some part of my reticence with Logan was because Dad didn't approve of him and it underscored my own private fears for our relationship.
"I bugged your car to make sure you weren't meeting with another girl."
Whoa, that's not quite how I expected to say it, but he was staring at me with those deep chocolate eyes, loving smile meant for a child not of his blood, and I panicked.
"You...bugged...my...car?"
I closed my eyes and leaned against his shoulder, glad he hadn't pulled away from me yet, though his body was stiff. And not in a fun way.
"It was when I first moved in. You kept saying all the right things and you weren't pressuring me for anything and you were so good with me and Lauren and I couldn't stand this being a dream so I figured you were getting some on the side since we weren't really in a relationship and I felt sick but not sick sick just sick over you going to someone else."
I took a huge gulp of air after my hyper sentence and peeked up at his face. In the intervening years away from me, Logan had learned to shield his emotions behind an even more impenetrable mask, one even I had trouble reading sometimes. He looked carved from marble.
"I think this discussion is better had in my bedroom and not in the middle of the stairs where anyone can come across us."
Gods, even his voice was cool, lacking all warmth of his earlier comments. I wanted nothing more than to use our guests as an excuse to escape, but I couldn't. I was tired of sleeping alone and I missed him in ways not assuaged by our living arrangements. If we were going to make a move forward into a better future, it was past time for me to lay my cards on the table. I was coward; it's not like I really feared his reaction as he'd probably forgive me anything short of cheating on him. Logan was definitely better than me in this: he was inherently unselfish and giving of himself to those who he loved, regardless if they reciprocated. I'd seen it, but hadn't understood, when he dated Lilly, then again with his mother, and even with Aaron. Him stealing the Lilly tapes were partially because he didn't want the images on the Internet, but also deep down, the little boy who tried so hard to be perfect for an exacting father couldn't betray him like that.
"So, what's this about tracking me? Do you really think I'm so inconstant that I can't go without sex?"
Now I could definitely read the pain and offended pride on his face. I couldn't look him in the eyes and so I gazed around at his room, which shared the same wall as mine. Sometimes at night I couldn't sleep until I heard the comforting sounds of him preparing for bed; other times, I would fight with myself about going to him and lying skin to skin with him. The only thing keeping me from going to his bed was I knew he'd expect a declaration of intent from me and I wasn't quite ready. I loved him, I wanted to be with him, but...there was always a "but" in my head, one I couldn't explain or talk around. It even extended to making public appearances with him - nowadays the buzz around him was for acting, not his personal life, and we wanted to keep it that way. Or, more specifically, I did. I knew the minute we made a public announcement, like oh appearing on the red carpet as his date, our past would come back up like it did when I was pregnant. Still it was hard reading about a "single" Logan and seeing all the women vying for his attention.
"I did it because I hate you." I ignored his gasp, knowing I had to get it out or I'd never find the courage to say it again. "I hate how important you are to me. I hate how I can't sleep until I know you're home safe. I hate how insanely jealous and possessive you make me when you say you're single in interviews. I hate how Lauren said "Da, Da" first because it crushes me a little every time you didn't father her. I hate..."
My voice failed me as the tears I couldn't cry balled in my throat. It was always like this – when it truly, utterly counted, I couldn't reveal my innermost self and I loathed crying in front of others, but especially Logan. I knew it stemmed from the year he made it his mission to get me to cry in public after Lilly's death, but all the understanding of my psychosis didn't change my inability to truly let go.
"We'll never change fundamentally, Logan. I'm still the girl who got raped at a party and you're still the boy who was beaten by his father and ignored by his mother. We can't change the past, but I want to change our present, so we can have a future."
I didn't dare raise my eyes to look at him and listened to the roaring silence instead. I felt stupid and clumsy and inarticulate because truthfully, I'd never confessed my love for anyone before. Every time I was in a serious relationship, it was always the guy who made the first move or said the right words and I simply reciprocated because I felt like I was supposed to. Logan was different, even going back to our first kiss at Camelot. Sure, he laid one hell of a wowser on me, but I initiated it with my peck to the cheek. I'd been thinking about him for weeks prior, wondering when our battle of wits had become foreplay, and the touch of his skin against my lips had rocketed my heartbeat until I couldn't hear anything but its thumping. His grasp of my hand as he swung me into his arms felt natural and joyful, as if my body was saying "oh there you are." The first time he said those three important words, I'd felt light-hearted and joyous, my "ditto" an inside reference to his secret favorite movie Ghost.
"I do try to understand you, and I think of anyone I'm the closest, but you can't even say "love" so you substitute "hate?" Really? You think that's enough? I've put up with a lot from you, Veronica, but you have to give just a little."
The acidic edge to the words seared me as I looked up into his dark scowling face. His eyes had never looked so fierce, nor his lips so stern. Words were weapons between us, so I'd learned to judge his mood from his body language, and it was shouting loud and clear he really was hurt and upset. I reviewed my words and couldn't understand why – I basically said I loved him and wanted to spend the rest of my life with him. What was his problem?
"What's your problem? I say I love you, want to spend my life with you, and even name you my kid's father. When we get married, I'm not taking your name. Sorry, buddy, but I've been Veronica Mars for far too long to change it."
Logan blinked.
"I'm...uh...we're...who...huh?"
I drew in a deep breath and let it out in a controlled pattern. Maybe I hadn't approached this the best way, but for me it's always better to go balls to the wall or I chicken out.
"I'll be right back."
I rushed into my room and grabbed the folded paper I'd tucked into my jewelry box. I'd received it the other day and had planned on a more romantic way of showing Logan, but I guess this was more our style: loud, messy, and belligerent. He hadn't moved an inch, so I handed him the letter and then sat on the bed to see his reaction. He unfolded it and read it slowly as if not understanding what he read.
"Ok, I'm not getting it here, Ronnie. It's Lauren's birth cert. What 'bout it?"
I sighed even as I pushed both hands through my hair. Mac always liked to poke fun at me for picking up Logan's habit, but it was really comforting and felt good for some strange reason when frustrated or thoughtful or just plain fed up.
"I only filled out the basic info when we were in the hospital, but a few months ago, I applied to get it changed to add more."
He nodded, but still looked confused.
"You were right, Logan. Just because I don't have one doesn't mean she shouldn't so, I gave Lauren a middle name."
Logan was the one who got me to the hospital when I went into labor at his old apartment, cut the cord, hell, even named Lauren, as I'd refused to find out the sex of the baby prior to the birth. He'd somehow remembered the name I'd chosen with Lilly back in our innocent days of dreaming of living next to each other with two point five kids, white picket fences, and large houses: Lauren because I'd really been into Lauren Bacall and Humphrey Bogart at the time and Kathleen for my paternal grandmother who'd taught me how to make snickerdoodles.
"Oh and filled out the blank next to mine."
His eyes skimmed the page until he reached the part where his name was inserted in the correct box.
"But...I'm not...I mean...Ted's her dad."
I stood and touched his arm.
"No, Ted's the sperm donor. You're her dad."
His lashes swept down but not before I saw a gleam of tears.
"You haven't told him about her yet. It should be his name."
I smiled and went into his arms, feeling them automatically curve around me. I laid my head against his heart, reassured by the steady beat. This man had always come through for me in so many ways over the years and never asked for much. I, on the other hand, had always demanded more and more proof, never satisfied with what he gave me, blind to the essential truth that underscored our every interaction: Logan Echolls loved Veronica Mars to the last drop of his heart's blood.
"Whatever Ted is to her in the future doesn't negate your presence in her life. You are her dad in every important way I can think of now and your role will grow as she does."
He kissed my forehead and cradled me even as his face reflected awe at being included so much into our lives. I hadn't realized he'd felt his connection to us was so tenuous. As usual, he'd given to me unstintingly and I'd accepted it as my due, taking him for granted as much as Lilly ever had. I stepped back and drew another breath for courage and drew my sundress over my head, standing before him in a brand new matching underwear set I'd bought a few days ago hoping he'd see.
"What're you doing, Ronnie?"
I looked at him cross-eyed.
"Um...this is a tender moment that I was thinking could be celebrated in the most elemental way..."
I could feel a blush working over my exposed skin and dropped my arms to cover my mid section as I belatedly remembered the scar bisecting my abdomen. The bemusement dropped from his face at my action and he carefully placed the birth certificate on his dresser before drawing me over to his bed. He laid me on my back and drew a finger down my chest, circling my nipples through the bra, then stopping where the doctor had torn me open to get Lauren out. Okay, maybe not torn but my stomach was no longer pretty. I startled when he bent his head to trace it with his tongue.
"I love this scar. You know why?"
Mesmerized by the feeling of wet heat and softness, I shook my head no.
"This is the only one between the two of us that is a celebration of life instead of a reminder of pain or death."
I startled both of us when I burst into noisy tears, his name a stuttering mantra on my lips. He weathered the storm by curling his larger warmer body around mine, and cuddling me while whispering in his warm and whiskey-rough voice how much he loved me. I tucked my head against his shoulder and wet his t-shirt.
"I had a tubal ligation after I had Lauren."
It was both terrifying and relieving to finally tell him the heavy secret I'd carried in my heart, weighing on me every moment I saw him with the Bulge. He really was a natural, better equipped to handle her fussiness, and I knew, knew, he deserved more kids, but I'd taken the option away from him with my usual selfishness because I didn't want any more. Logan tipped my chin up with a forefinger and kissed my lips sweetly.
"Veronica, I love Lauren. I really do. But you're all I've ever dreamed of and ever wanted. If we never had Lauren, I would still be happy alone with you. I've been obsessed with you since I was sixteen year old, though Lilly always thought since I was twelve."
I snorted and hiccuped, a snot bubble leaking out the end of my nose, and I drew back embarrassed. Why can't I be a pretty crier like girls on TV?
"What do you mean, since you were twelve?"
He rolled over and grabbed a tissue from the box on his nightstand and handed it to me, giving me a moment to compose myself.
"Remember that Homecoming when Lilly asked what I thought the first time I met you?"
I nodded as that night was one of the last good memories we had as a group. I was more intrigued by the hint of red along his cheekbones; Logan wasn't easily embarrassed. His response of me being hot had been unexpected yet a little thrilling to know boys other than Duncan thought I was attractive.
"I know it's considered bad form to talk about sex with another chick when in bed with your present one, but uh, it's kinda pertinent to the story."
Lilly was the only girl in his past I could tolerate hearing about. As long as he wasn't specific.
"I used to always masturbate to a mental image of you in a soccer uniform when I was younger." He laid flat on his back and stared up at the ceiling, avoiding looking at me. "One time, Lilly dressed up in a scantily clad version of it and we had some of the best sex of our relationship. She never asked and I never told, but I...uh...pretended it was you."
I was flabbergasted at his revelation. We weren't close back in the Fab Four days, only brought together by our mutual love of all things Kane, so I didn't know him as well, though at the time I counted him among my best friends. Yet, I never in a million years would've guessed he ever did that. Even during their break up periods, he was constantly thinking of ways to get back with Lilly, using other girls as bait for her jealousy (I squirmed a little knowing I had the same hot button).
"You were so innocent and easily flustered compared to Lilly and me. It was fun to corrupt you in fantasies."
I giggled a little, knowing how true that was. Every time we dated, he would push the boundaries of what I considered acceptable bedroom behavior, drawing me out more and more until it was strange having sex with someone else because they didn't know me as well or need me the same way. I considered myself somewhat conservative and modest, something that probably surprised a lot of people given my public persona, but with him, it was hard to hold on to it when his fingers were applying the right pressure, or his mouth whispering such dirty words, and his...well you get the picture. I rolled over on top of him, ignoring his audible "oof" and stared down at him.
"I'm sorry I didn't tell you I love you sooner. I can't remember a time when you didn't provoke such strong emotions in me." It was hard but I kept my eyes level to his. "I love you Logan Echolls."
He smiled, a deep purely emotional smile only Lauren or I ever saw, and I fell a little more in love with him, something I thought impossible.
"Ditto."
