CHAPTER 4
"Once I was someone who was crying, once you were the one who wiped my tears"
Minutes pass slowly, I'm exhausted as hell but I'm trying not to let Alec know about it. I'm almost done with the book and the only thing I'm afraid of is my supply of magic. I could feel that I don't have much.
- How's he? - I asked quietly.
- Stable I guess – he looked at me – Aren't you tired?
- No, why? - I smiled with effort.
- You look like shit.
- Thanks – I said sarcastically – You are so nice, Alec.
- I didn't mean... I... Oh... I mean, you should get some rest...
- There's no time to rest, I have to help your little brother.
- Please, let me do something. I can't just sit and look at you while you're working.
- The man of honor, aren't you? You can get me some water if it's not a problem.
- Sure, I'll be back in one minute! - when he was gone I finally took off the glamour from the book and happy as I've never been before I approached to Max's bed and... I dropped the White Book, ceasing to breathe in shock. I wasn't the only one who wasn't breathing. Quickly, I checked Max's pulse and heartbeat and fell on my knees, next to bed. Exhaustion and accumulation of emotions prevailed and I just started to crying. Then Alec showed up in room.
- What hap... - he choked in the mid-sentence, dropping a glass with water. Pieces of glass scattered on the floor – Is he... Mag... Magnus...? Oh my God... - a second later, Alec covering my arms, still asking like in amok – What happened? Magnus! Tell me!
- He... He... - couldn't catch my breath – I didn't... I couldn't make it... He... He died... Alec... Alexander, I'm so sorry... I tried... - Lightwood stop holding me and turned away. His shoulders shaking from sobbing – Alec...
- Don't! - he screamed desperate – Don't you dare touch me!
- I'm sorry... - my voice was soft and quiet – I did my best...
- M... Magnus... - I heard a moment later and suddenly Alexander is clutching my arms, crying in my neck – Magnus... I'm useless... I'm horrible brother... I couldn't defend him...
- Shhhh... - I stroked him gentle – It is not your fault... Listen to me – I took his face in my hands and wiped all the tears from his cheeks with my thumbs. Alec closed his eyes and snuggled harder. I could feel his breath on my collarbone – You are gorgeous man. You are amazing big brother. It's not your fault. We tried, Alexander. We did everything. I know it's not gonna help but... I'm so sorry. Maybe you're right. Maybe emotions are really just a distraction. If I didn't think about you a lot, I'd take off the glamour sooner and... - suddenly he shut me up with a gentle kiss. I was so shocked that I couldn't even move. His lips were soft, warm and tasted like tears. Before I come back to real, he moved back with a fear in his beautiful eyes.
- I... Oh my God... I was wrong, yeah? I made a mistake? I... I shouldn't... Oh God... I'm so sorry, Magn... – then I interrupted him, kissing his lips with passion. Alexander relaxed in my arms, moving closer to my body. His hands on my hips, stroking them a little bit. I sighed into his mouth and he used this to slip his tongue between my lips. Oh my God... I had to react when our tongues met.
- Alec... Alec, wait... - he looked at me. His eyes misty with pleasure and dreamily.
- W...what? You... didn't like it...?
- No! I did! Of course I did – I took his hands – I just... I saw things like this...
- I don't understand...
- People so crazy with despair who did things... They didn't want to.
- You're suggesting... I didn't wanna kiss you?
- No. What I'm suggesting is... you need some time, Alexander, my dear. Can we talk abo... - then I just saw a lot of darkness and... nothing.
- Can we talk abo... - and then he slipped on the floor. I screamed and gave him a light slap but it made nothing. I ran out of room and started calling mom, Izzy and Jace. They came very fast and began to ask about everything:
- What happened? What's wrong with Magnus? How's Max?
- Shut up! - I yelled at them, crying on the floor – Magnus passed out... he's exhausted... and Max... Max is...
- What this warlock did to him?! - Maryse was mad as hell.
- He did nothing! He was trying to save him! - I was trying to defend Magnus but Maryse was relentless
- Get him out, Alec!
- He passed out! - I growled and took Magnus up – I'm gonna lay him down in my bedroom. And no – I warned seeing my mum was gonna say something – I don't care what you are gonna say. He's my guest now and I'm gonna take care of him – in a different case I'd just do what Maryse told me but looking after Magnus was a way not to feel the pain, even if it's just for a moment. I was on my way to my room, crying and trying not to drop Bane. His face was so peaceful, not like couple minutes before when he was so stressed out. I put him softly on my bed and stroked his cheek. I noticed he isn't unconscious anymore but he's just sleeping. I smiled a little bit and went back to Max's room. Maryse and Izzy were hugging and sobbing and Jace was holding Max's hand with the other hand covering his face. No one lifted a head when I went to the room. I touched Jace's shoulder and whispered:
- Hey, buddy... May I...?
- Sure – he moved and I sat next to him – Did you... saw him... dying?
- No... I wasn't here, Magnus was.
- Where were you?
- I went to the kitchen to bring Magnus some water, he was very tired and running out of magic.
- How can you know it wasn't him? Maybe he caused Max's death?
- Are you insane?! He almost died too, trying to help Max, he did his best! How dare you, how...
- Alec, shut up. I got it.
- Yeah... I... I should do something now... Take mom and Izzy away from here... Make them something hot to drink... Can you stay here with Max? - I was trying to be calm, not to cry and act like "the oldest one". It was my responsibility to take care of my family.
- Sure, go.
- Mom...? Izzy...? - I asked hesitantly – Come with me to the kitchen, I'll make you some tea and dinner. Please, you can't sit here forever...
- No... I have to let Robert know... Have to stay with... with Max...
- Let me do this – I took her hand – I'll take care of everything – I lifted her off the ground. Isabelle decided to go with us.
I made both of them some hot tea and started making dinner, when Jace came to the kitchen.
- Magnus is asking for you...
- Coming.
- Hey – he stopped me, looking straight into my eyes – You're gonna be okay?
- Sure.
- Alec, I'm your parabatai, I feel what you feel.
- I'm fine – I cut the conversation and went to my room where I left Bane.
- You said you need me? - I asked, walking into my bedroom. He was sitting on the bed with a glass of water, very pale.
- I'm... I know you have better things to do... But... I just wanted to have you here for a moment... Sit with me, Alexander - I did what he asked me to do – Are you okay? - I nodded – You're sure?
- I... I just... - I sighed deeply, my voice was shaking – I don't know...
- Alec... - Magnus grabbed my hand and started to make little circles on it with his thumb. His eyes very calm and mild – You can be honest with me, I'm here for you.
- I'd rather know how are you.
- Better, my magic is rebuilding slowly, but it is. I'll be fine, don't worry.
- God, I was so scared...
- About my condition?
- Yes... About your condition... - I felt his hand on my back – I don't know what to do... I'm the oldest one... I should take care of my family... Especially when Robert is in Idris... I can't fall apart... But... I feel... Like I'm dying inside...
- Alexander, emotions are good... You can't hide everything inside because it will kill you... And you'll explode, and it won't be funny...
- I can't... can't... - I was very close to burst into tears.
- Let yourself... - he moved me closer and leaned on his chest – Come on, it's okay... You're safe with me... - I couldn't stop myself any longer. I started crying, hiding my face in Magnus' neck.
- Shhhh... It's okay... I'm here... It's okay... - he was whispering into my ear. I have no clue how long I was crying but what I know is that warlock didn't stop holding me even for a second.
- You should sleep... - I heard his soft voice again. My eyes were closed, I felt warm and safe in his strong arms.
- Magnus?
- Mhm?
- Don't leave me...
I won't, I promise. Now try to sleep – he stroked my hair and laid me on the pillows.
- Thanks... - I whispered, falling asleep.
Alec was sleeping very anxiously, sometimes he was even screaming. I really wanted to help him with my magic, but I was too exhausted. All I could do was whispering and singing to his ear. I was lying next to him and could feel the warmth of his perfect body.
When he woke up, he seemed to be very surprised.
- What... What's going on?
- Hi, little flower – I smiled a little bit – How are you feel?
- Like a shit... - he moaned, rubbing his face – I didn't sleep well...
- I know. Sorry I couldn't help.
- But you did, Magnus.
- Not as much as I can usually. Tonight I'll help you with my magic.
- I don't need it – his voice unexpectedly cold like ice – You can go home. I have to take care of my family.
- Alexander...
- Don't "Alexander" me! And go home! - he seemed to be irritated.
- Okay, if this is what you want... Will you call me later?
- Maybe.
- Alec, you don't have to become emotionless only because you're big brother...
- Stop it – he took a t-shirt and pants from his wardrobe. They were white. My heart squeezed painfully, I knew white means mourning in the Shadow World.
- Can't we talk? Really?
- Don't have time...
- Alexander! - I raised my voice and put my hands on his shoulders – Look at me, not at the floor – he did it – Listen, candy. I wanna help you, I know you're trying to be tough and whatever but... I'm here for you, to create a place when you can come and let yourself crying. Don't close up for me – he closed his eyes and sighed. I used a moment and hugged him tightly. He wrapped his arms around my waist and we were just standing together, in silence.
- I have an idea – I murmured into his ear – Now I'll go home and get some sleep... You can do whatever you need to... and tonight you'll come to me... And I'll help you relax... What do you think?
- Well, I... I shouldn't...
- Shhh – I put my finger on his lips – I'm not asking whether you should but whether you want.
- I want... - Alec whispered and leaned his head on my shoulder – Now better go, I have a feeling you haven't slept since two days, am I right?
- Kinda... - I admitted – So... See you tonight, flower – he smiled, blushing a little bit.
- Yes, see you.
- Can you walk me or...
- I need to check out my mom... Sorry.
- Got it. Bye!
- Bye, Magnus – while I was leaving I met Izzy. She looked like she also hadn't been sleeping last night.
- Hi – she said quietly – Going home?
- Yup. Hey, I'm... I'm taking Alexander out tonight, is it okay?
- Sure, he needs it. Will you come for the funeral?
- Well... I guess all your family blames me for your little brother's death... And... Isn't the ceremony just for Shadowhunters?
- We can make an exception for you. You were trying to save Max... And I'm pretty sure Alec will need you there.
- Will he?
- Yes. He cares about you.
- We actually just met and...
- I know. But... I think I don't have to explain. You're here just because of him.
- You are right... Okay, I have to go. Hold on, sweetheart – I hugged her and left the Institute.
Couple hours later...
It was already quite late when Alec came to my place. He looked tired and very sad.
- Hi, biscuit – I stroked his arm shortly – Wanna eat something?
- Actually I need to get drunk... - he growled quietly.
- You're staying?
- What?
- For tonight.
- You mean... You want me to sleep here?
- If you get drunk I won't let you go home.
- Fine.
- Are you sure you don't wanna talk?
- Yes... Enough talking.
- Alec?
- What?
- I have better idea than drinking... Because... - I moved so close that our faces almost touched – You don't need to poison yourself... Especially you're not gonna remember anything... Instead of this... I can make you very relaxed.
- H... How? - his voice shaking, his breath clearly accelerated.
- I know some... tricks – I breathed on his neck and he trembled – Just let me.
Ok...ay...
- So come with me - I led him to the living room – Lay down on your chest, here, on the couch... And oh, take off your shirt.
- What? Why? What you...
- Shh, just do it – when he was ready I took some essential oil and started massaging his back. Alec hissed loudly – You have very tense muscles... Just relax...
- How can I... Oh... - he moaned after my stronger move.
- Don't speak, just feel – I whispered, continuing massage. I started with his neck and shoulders and then I was moving inch after inch down to his spine. Alec was relaxing slowly, I heard him purring with pleasure. His skin became very warm and soft and when I was dangerously close to his jeans, he moaned. I smiled.
- So... - I murmured into his ear – How do you feel now?
- Don't stop... - he whined and I kissed his neck very gentle, causing his sigh. I've never seen him so relaxed before.
- I'll make drinks, wait for me, darling – after a while I came back with two glasses, one of them I gave to Alexander who sat straight next to me. Still shirtless. We were drinking in silence for a minute but then I put my glass on the table and touched Alec's chest.
- How are you now?
- Mmmm... - he closed his eyes, leaning his head on my shoulder – You're magical...
- I'm a warlock, you know? - I stroked his cheek and laughed quietly – There's magic in me – he finished his drink and answered:
- I know – he had looked at me and our eyes met.
- Alec, I just want to say...
- Oh, shut up – he moved and kissed me passionately. This time I deepened a kiss immediately, taking his face in my hands. His skin was literally hot and his lips soft and confident, he slipped his hand in my hair and squeezed lightly making me moaning for a second. God, I can't breathe... I slid my mouth to his neck, making a hickey.
- Magnus... - he whispered, tilting his head back. Shadowhunter's eyelids fluttering very fast and his hand squeezing my T-shirt – M... Magnus...
- I know... I know - I snapped my fingers tenderly and Alec almost screamed.
- Oh my... What... What was that...?
- A sparkle – I answered archly – Straight through your body.
- Don't... please, I... Oh! - I did it again, laughing softly – God, this is so good...
- I know what's good for you – I smiled, combining our lips in a kiss.
- Mhm... - he murmured. I wrapped my arms around his waist. Our tongues were dancing together and our hearts were beating loudly and fast. He put his hands under my shirt and this was the moment I thought we should stop.
- Alec... Alec, wait – I pulled him away. He looked at me and I suppressed a groan. His face was priceless, flushed and his eyes full of delight – We should stop.
- You don't want me...? - he asked with fear in his voice.
- You have no idea how hard I want you right now. But... I told you something about it. Besides... You would regret it. Believe me. You should have your first time with someone... you love – I stroked his cheek very gentle – We can talk about it tomorrow. Give yourself some time, Alexander. Don't go too fast. It should be... magical.
- It is magical... I want it.
- I know – I grabbed his face – But you want it now. And tomorrow you'd say that I hurt you. I can't let that happen. And... don't you dare think I don't want you, darling. I do.
- You... do?
- I do. We'll have time for everything... First, I wanna get to know you better, I wanna meet you as much as I can and... and maybe date you some day. And then we can think... about it.
- God, I'm so stupid... I'm sorry...
- No! You're not stupid. All I do is just because of my respect for you. I treat you, Alexander, like a treasure. I can't blow it. Okay? - he nodded – And now... Because we're here to relax you... What do you say about a hot bath? I can prepare everything.
- Would be... awesome.
- So... - I moved my hand – Go, take some time. You can be there as long as you want. Oh, and - I snapped – In the bathroom you have some clothes to sleep in. Have a good time.
- Magnus?
- Yeah?
- How can I repay you?
- Stay with me a little longer – I winked to him – Like for the whole night.
It's... it's not repayment... I'll do it with pleasure... - he blushed deeply, ashamed by his own words.
- For me it is a repayment. And if it's also a pleasure for you, I'll be happy. And now go, until you have hot water.
- I'll be back for...
- I told you, take some time. And – in his hand suddenly a glass with drink – Take this with you. I'm waiting – I showed him a way to the bathroom and sat on my favourite chair, very complacent. I closed my eyes, reminding myself a taste of Alec's lips and warmth of his body and also a deep, blue color of his big, beautiful eyes. He is so perfect... I think... I'm falling in love with him...
- I'm ready... I mean... I'm done – I heard shy voice behind me. I opened my eyes and saw Lightwood in usual T-shirt and shorts I gave him.
- You look very sweet right now – I made him sit on my lap – I like your hair – they still were wet and stuck out in all directions. He was looking into my eyes, without any speaking – Tired? Wanna go sleep?
- Not yet – he moved closer and kissed me gentle – I wanna see your cat.
- Chairman Meow? - I was surprised. This is not what I expected to hear – Wait – I got up and after a while I brought a cat to Alec – Watch out.
- I'll be fine - his face lightened with a smile – He's so fluffy and cute!
- I know – I smiled – He likes you.
- Just like the last time, he remembers me. Right, Chairman? - he was playing with my cat for a while and then put him back on the floor. His eyes were glowing.
- Can you make me one more drink?
- I don't think it's a good id...
- Magnus – he interrupted me – Please.
- Fine... - I did what he asked me to do – But... You're gonna be drunk...
- I don't care – he answered – Maybe we can watch a movie or something?
- You like Sherlock?
- Yes, I love!
- So let's watch – we sat together on the couch, Shadowhunter leaned on my shoulder, sipping his drink.
In the middle of the movie I felt his hand on my chest, slightly stroking. My breath speed up just a little bit but I was trying to stay calm. But when Alec's fingers wandered under my shirt I had to react.
- Alec... - he didn't stop, what's more he put there another hand – Alexander...
- What? - he murmured, semiconscious.
- Stop...
- I don't wanna stop...
- You're drunk...
- Magnus...
- That's my name.
- Let me...
- No.
- Please.
- No way.
- Kiss me then.
- This I can do - I immersed into his mouth. Alec purred with pleasure and pulled me closer. He licked my bottom lip and I opened my mouth, inviting his tongue inside. I felt so good that I started losing control. A little sparkles shot from my fingers, making Alec moaning.
- Oh my God, I'm so sorry... I wasn't...
- Don't you dare apologize... It felt... So awesome... - he panted, holding the collar of my shirt.
- Okay... Okay, enough – I said, trying to step back.
- You're not going anywhere – he protested, kissing again, this time my neck.
- Al... oh... Alexander, I'm begging you... I can't lose control...
- Then stop me – he smiled, continuing.
- The thing is... I don't want you to stop... But I have to... Make you stop...
- You're moaning already, don't interrupt me – I closed my eyes, letting myself forget for a moment, but then I felt his lips on my collarbone and pushed him away immediately.
- Alec, we can't, no matter how much I want to take off all your clothes right now. Come on, we're going to the bedroom.
- Are you gonna sleep with me?
- Of course not. Not when you're so drunk.
- Lame... - he sighed – I'm so tired...
- I know, cupcake, we got there. Now lay down... Okay... - I covered him with a blanket and turned off the lights – Have a sweet dreams, Alexander – then I closed the door.
