Title:How to Win Friends and Blackmail Authority Figures
Author:TinaMustDie

I have way too much fun writing this.


Scorpius yawned, comfortably hidden behind an unpopular chair in the Gryffindor common room. He stood, stretching out his arms. The carpet in here was simply divine.

"How did you get in here?"

Scorpius turned to see a tall boy with dreadlocks. Fred Weasley.

"I plead the fifth."

The fat lady outside hadn't been much of a challenge. He was a charming little psycho after all.

"We're in Britain." The older boy reminded him.

"That's nice." Scorpius said, knotting his tie around his head. He had a long day ahead of him, and he needed to look his personal best.

"You're Scorpius aren't you?"

Scorpius let out a long suffering sigh.

"No. I'm his evil twin. People are always confusing us. Very frustrating."

Fred grinned and shook his head.

It was the beginning of a beautiful friendship, the word "beautiful" being open to interpretation.


Hagrid had never been particularly adept at reading the intentions of the people around him. He was quite bad at it really. This, in Scorpius Malfoy's mind, was a huge opportunity, pun unintended, but still mildly funny.

This was the reasoning that brought young Scorpius to the large pumpkin patch just outside the half-giant's shack.

"What're you doin' thar?" barked a loud voice.

He tried to understand the man. He really did.

"Yer ears not work?"

He regretted not bringing a translator.

"Um, hello," he greeted the large man innocently. "My name is Scorpius. I was just admiring this garden here. Is it yours?"

Oh, he was good.

Hagrid's face softened, and he burst into an excited rant Scorpius struggled to comprehend. He wondered if suggesting speech therapy would be offensive.


Headmaster McGonagall was enjoying her lunch when a loud knock sounded on her office door. Not bothering to check who it was, only a select few knew how to find the place, she called out, "Come in!"

In sauntered Scorpius Malfoy. McGongall nearly choked on her sandwich.

"What? How did you get up here?"

"You have a little mustard, right there." Malfoy told her, tapping a spot on his cheek.

The boy then had the nerve to take the seat across from her, and set his feet on her desk.

"Mr. Malfoy, my office is not a playground. There are safety precautions and you were not given the password!"

"Actually," the boy drawled, sounding more intimidating than someone with a tie around their head should. "I was given the password by a member of the staff just this afternoon."

McGonagall narrowed her eyes.

"I'm going to fire Hagrid."

Scorpius laughed, eyes lighting up.

"Oh good. You are intelligent, aren't you? That makes this much funnier!"

McGonagall had the feeling she'd sorely underestimated the boy.

That suspicion was confirmed when he brought out the files.

"Oh God." She could feel her face turn white.

Malfoy smirked.

"Yes ma'am?"


The child was diabolical. Half an hour later the agreements were underway.

"So I get off scot-free for pretty much everything, and your dirty laundry won't get sent to Rita. And don't bother trying to steal that file," Scorpius said, noticing her twitching fingers. "I have copies hidden in places you will never find them."

"You're unbelievable." McGonagall seethed.

"I'm a figment of your imagination." The boy agreed.

McGonagall sighed, wishing she'd shipped him off to Saint Mungo's when she'd had the chance.


Scorpius was absolutely evil. But he's been raised by Draco Malfoy, he's gonna have some mad manipulation skills. And what did McGonagall do? I know, I know! But if I tell you now, it will ruin future fun.