Look

Part 2

He wouldn't look at her.

Mercedes had been staring at Sam since glee rehearsal started 40 minutes ago but he wouldn't look at her. She knew he could feel her because she could feel him. She could feel him purposely trying to ignore her. She could feel the struggle he was waging to appear indifferent. She knew it because she had lived it for 1 month, 12 days, 16 hours and 24 minutes. She couldn't do it anymore. She wanted to tell him, she needed to tell him.

Why wouldn't he look at her?

When Mercedes uttered those heartbreaking words, "I can't be with you" to Sam she did it because she wanted to feel relief from the guilt that had been weighing her down. She got that relief but the crushing pain that followed immediately after made that guilt seem like nothing in comparison. She made a total mess of things and she wanted to fix it but she didn't know how. She told him that she needed time to figure out who she was when it came to love but it has been 1 month, 12 days, 16 hours, and 24 minutes and she still doesn't know. How could she possibly find out when all she could feel, think about, or see was Sam? How was she supposed to figure out what she needed when the only thought that clouded her mind was him? She missed him. She missed that crooked smile he always gave her. She missed the looks he gave her during performances when an especially poignant or romantic lyric was sung by one of their fellow glee clubbers. She missed his snarky comments during God Squad meetings. She missed how he would always make an effort to 'accidentally' brush up against her every time he walked past. She missed him teasing her. She missed his laugh. She missed his voice. She missed him. As she continued to watch him actively ignore her it struck her just how much of her broken heart he occupied. She wanted so badly to tell him how she felt but how could she do that when he wouldn't look her in the eye?

All she needed him to do was look at her.

Mercedes couldn't pay any attention to Brittany and Santana as they sang some sickly sweet duet to each other because she focused all of her attention on willing Sam to look at her. She watched as his body literally tightened up like a coiled spring and the knuckles on his hand turned stark white as he gripped the chair and she knew he could feel her watching him. Seeing Sam affected that way bothered Mercedes so much that she looked away. As she stared at the jazz band over in the corner she rapidly blinked back tears and tried desperately not to succumb to the feeling of hopelessness. Being with Sam used to be as natural as breathing but now it seemed like a constant endless battle that neither one of them would ever win. It wasn't supposed to be like this. When she told him she needed to find out who she was she never intended for it to be forever, but why did it feel like it would be? Mercedes turned back to look at Sam and she noticed that he visibly relaxed to the point that he almost looked like the Sam she used to know. Before she could stop herself she whispered his name but then immediately wished that she hadn't. His response was almost violent as he jumped out of his chair and stalked out of the choir room. Everyone looked around in stunned silence as Mercedes quickly jumped out of her chair and followed suit.

As Mercedes made her way down the hallway she began to feel herself get angrier and angrier. Sam was being ridiculous! Yes, she knew she hurt him, but damn it she was hurt too. It was time they stopped avoiding each other and dealt with their issues like adults. By the time she rounded the corner to the lockers she was ready to give Sam Evans a piece of her mind, but then she saw him. He was doubled over and taking deep gulps of air and he looked as if he just completed a marathon race. All of the anger drained out of Mercedes because she knew all too well what that felt like. Desperately trying to hold yourself together all the time was exhausting. It was a seemingly never-ending hellish race that neither one of them signed up for but were both enduring because the prize at the end was so worth it.

Mercedes stepped closer to Sam and whispered his name again and she watched helplessly as he stood up and faced his locker and grabbed his stomach as if he were in pain. He started shaking his head back and forth and she knew he wanted her to leave—needed her to leave, but she couldn't do it. She would not walk away from him again. They needed to talk, and they needed to talk now.

"Sam. Look at me."

He didn't turn around but he stopped shaking his head back and forth so Mercedes celebrated that mini-victory.

"Please, Sam. Please look at me."

Mercedes knew the begging was a low blow but she was getting desperate. She didn't realize until just then how she missed his pretty green eyes looking into hers. She needed that like she needed air and if she had to get on her knees and beg for it then she would. She started to say something again but she was cut off by Sam.

"Go back to the choir room Mercedes."

Mercedes knees buckled slightly at the sound of Sam's deep voice finally speaking directly to her after over a month of silence. She didn't know whether to cry from joy at hearing his voice or cry from sadness at the fact that he ordered her away. Mercedes shook away the feeling of rejection and said,

"No. Look at me. Now!"

Sam flinched at the sound of her voice but he didn't turn and look at her, in fact his eyes were closed and he looked as if he planned to walk right past her. Mercedes wasn't about to let that happen so she grabbed his arm and slid her hand down the inside of his forearm until she reached his hands. She linked their fingers together, and the instant their hands were locked she felt as if she were home. She didn't realize how much she missed his touch, how much she needed it until that moment. How had she lived a second without feeling his hands against hers? How could she ever think that time could ever give her the clarity that one touch from him could? What was she doing and why was she doing it? Nothing else made sense anymore except for the two of them. Mercedes stared up at the man she loved and marveled at how such a beautiful face could be so full of pain.

"Please look at me Sam."

"I can't."

"Why?"

"You know why."

"This is hard for me too, you know."

"It doesn't feel like it."

"Well, if you'd look at me you'd know it."

Mercedes held her breath after she uttered those words and expelled it slowly as she watched Sam open his eyes and look down at her. His dull, watery green eyes mirrored her own and it broke her heart to see him that way, especially when she knew she was the cause of it. She waited patiently as she watched Sam look at her as if he were seeing her for the first time. As if she was some precious jewel that he had been searching years for and had finally found. He looked at her as if she was everything and it warmed the broken, scattered pieces of her heart. Mercedes felt her breath catch in her throat as she felt Sam lean closer and closer until his forehead was resting against hers. They both gave a small sigh of relief because just for a second the endless tension that had been a constant in their lives for weeks was temporarily relieved.

"I miss you."

"I miss you too…but, I just need time."

"I know."

Mercedes didn't know why she said that. She didn't need time, she needed him and she needed him now. But there was something inside of her that wouldn't allow her to let go of the idea of finding herself before she started a relationship. She wanted to explain that to him but how could she explain a feeling that she didn't even understand herself?

"Don't hate me."

"I couldn't even if I tried, believe me."

The way Sam said that made it clear that the idea of hating her had crossed his mind and it scared the hell out of Mercedes. What if he fell out of love with her before she could figure out her mess? What would she do then? She considered lying and telling him that she was ready just to keep him, but she knew that she couldn't do that to him or herself. Whatever indistinct feeling she had that was stopping her from fully committing was there for a reason. Brushing it aside just to get rid of the ache was about as effective as putting a band-aid on a bullet wound. She wanted her relationship with Sam to work, she wanted forever. She was doing the right thing, she had to believe that.

"Sam, look at me."

Sam opened his eyes and stared intently at Mercedes. He smiled softly at her and the joy inside her that came from that was indescribable.

"I love you, please believe that."

"I know."

The smile on Mercedes face froze. The joy flickering around the broken pieces of her heart evaporated. She tried not to be devastated by Sam's words but they hurt. She knew he loved her, she could see it in his eyes but she didn't realize how important hearing it was until just then. She needed to hear it the way a dying man in the desert needs a drink of water. She needed it the way plants and trees need sunlight to grow. She needed it, even though she probably didn't have the right to want it. She did break his heart after all; maybe this is exactly what she deserves.

Mercedes held perfectly still as Sam took his forehead off of hers and replaced it with his lips. She savored the brief press of his soft lips against her skin. She ached after hearing the small groan that came out of his mouth as he wrenched it away from her head. She marveled at the feeling of his strong hand squeezing hers before she suddenly felt empty and cold. Just as quickly as she felt his touch it was gone. She watched as he walked away from her, and the tears that she had valiantly kept at bay started to fall uncontrollably. Mercedes never considered herself a glutton for punishment but she waited and waited for him to turn around to give her one last look.

He didn't look back.