*On her knees, humbled.* I am so sorry I took such a long absence. I honestly can say I didn't mean to. Please forgive me for my laziness.

Thanks to SmileRen for giving me the kick I needed to get back into gear for my stories. I appreciate it! This chapter is dedicated to you, hope it holds up to your expectations.

Please read and review!


Chapter 4: Playing God

Can't make my own decisions
or make any with precision
Well maybe you should tie me up
so I don't go where you don't want me
You say that I been changing,
that I'm not just simply aging
Yeah how could that be logical?
Just keep on cramming ideas down my throat

~Paramore


Dear Diary,

The second time I fell in love was just as this fiasco with magic began, when Ryou Bakura moved to our school.

He was a very solitary boy, I remember. He was polite, smart, cute, and sweet. He had a swarm of fangirls, still does, but they never really got too close. I suspect they were afraid he'd bolt on them, he came off so shy. He was punctual as well, always on time to class.

Yes, he was so popular. So liked, and respected by his teachers.

But so very, very lonely.


They were on Anzu's couch again, watching an old black and white movie.

"What's this called again?" she asked, glancing at Anzu from the corner of her eyes as she shifted the popcorn bowl in her lap.

"The Most Dangerous Game," Sorano replied, reaching into the bowl and popping a kernel between her lips. "It's based off a short story of the same name, by
Richard Connell."

"And the one with the funny mustache is…?"

"Zaroff."

"He's the bad guy?"

"Yep." Sorano smirked slyly. "I expect you to start laughing soon. This was filmed in the 1930's, and the effects and dramatic close-ups are hilarious."

"It's seriously that old?" Anzu licked some butter from her index finger.

"Yep, and the story is somewhere around ten years older."

They sat in silence for a moment, which Sorano broke when the camera panned in on the leading lady's face. "Hey, Anzu?"

Anzu continued to watch the actress swoon. "Yeah?"

"I don't think you should sit with me tomorrow."

Anzu turned swiftly from the screen, a worried frown on her lips. "Why?"

Sorano leaned back into the cushions and sighed. "You've been at my table every day for three weeks. Surely you miss sitting with them, even a little?"

Anzu turned her gaze to the popcorn, fingers absently picking at a kernel. "I guess," she whispered, "but I just, I don't…"

Sorano's hand rested over her fidgeting fingers, squeezing gently. "I know you don't want to be hurt," she said, "but you have to understand, Anzu. You can't shut them out. Avoiding them like this won't help." Sorano dipped her head to meet Anzu's downturned eyes. "You haven't even walked to school with them in a week."

Anzu frowned bitterly. "Why does it matter? If I avoid them that's my business." Anzu pulled her hand from Sorano's. "Why should I have to be around them if it always hurts? At least I still hang out with them after school sometimes!"

Sorano cupped Anzu's face and smiled with sad eyes. "Anzu, you're shaking."

She was. Anzu took a deep, tremulous breath, and closed her eyes. "I don't want to hurt, Sorano."

Sorano brushed her thumbs soothingly over Anzu's cheeks. "I know, but it's only going to hurt more if you go on like this. Plus, it'll hurt them, too. Remember what I told you? It's about balance. You don't want to be around them so much that you're constantly hurting yourself, but you don't want to pull away so often that you start to regret being apart."

Opening her eyes sparsely, Anzu asked a familiar question. "Why?"

"You already know the answer to that."

She opened her eyes fully, and parted her lips in a slow, sad sigh. Of course she knew the answer. If she pulled away too much, she would regret it. Because she loved them too much. Wasn't that what this was all about? The less she saw of them, she would only long for them more.

"Will you sit with me?" Anzu asked, gaze intent on Sorano. She felt cowardly asking, but the idea of having to sit with them, fighting her urge to flee to that familiar bathroom, shook her to her core.

Sorano's face was smooth and calm as she seemed to ponder Anzu's question. "Not at first," she answered slowly. "You have to get used to being with them in these settings alone, and if I hold your hand the whole time you won't be able to walk on your own. But," she added, seeing Anzu readying to protest, "I will join you halfway into lunch, if you want. I may want you to grow, but I won't abandon you."

Smiling a deep, tiny smile she'd recently learned was her real smile beneath the mask, Anzu nodded. "Thank you, Sorano."

Sorano huffed humorlessly, releasing Anzu's face to put her hands in her lap. "Please, if you wanted, you wouldn't even have to listen to a word I say."

Anzu reached over to twine her fingers with Sorano's. "But I do," she said.

Squeezing her hand, Sorano hummed lowly. "Yeah. Yeah, you do."


He was a little like Yugi, I remember. When I'd first moved back, Yugi would sit alone at lunch as well. Ryou did the same, but he managed to do it while surrounded on all sides by adoring girls.

I never really talked to him at first. I thought he was cute, but I didn't focus on him much. He was lonely, but it seemed like a forced loneliness on his part. Like he wanted to be alone. Knowing what I know now, I can guess why he was like that.

Not that others didn't try to enter his forced isolation. They did. Several times. And each time, he always answered with that same, polite smile and blank eyes.

"Sorry, I'm busy. Homework, you know?"

"I can't, I'm working on a project."

"Perhaps another time, I'm having company over tonight."

Lies. Each and every one.

But of course, I never said anything about it.


She hovered.

Breathing erratic, Anzu swayed in her spot ten feet away from the table. They hadn't noticed her yet, and her frantic mind was grateful for that.

Her stomach clenched with nerves, and she swayed her shoulders side to side. Cautiously, her foot lifted.

One step forward.

Her eyes flew to the table, and her throat clenched.

One step back.

Behind the mask of a shy smile, her teeth were clenched. In bashfully lowered eyes rest hidden unease.

One step forward.

Looking up once more, she caught Ryou's gaze.

One step back.

Ryou gestured her forward, which prompted the others at the table to turn.

"Hey, Anzu!" Jou waived an arm enthusiastically. "What-cha doin'? Come over here!"

Breathing in deeply, Anzu reestablished the mask's reinforcements as she walked forward, as though she hadn't been hovering moments before.

"Hey guys!" She pulled out the chair between Ryou and Jou.

"Where ya been, Anzu?" Jou nudged her shoulder.

She smiled. "I've been…here and there."

"With Kiyoko-san, correct?" Ryou smiled politely at her. "You two have been together quite a bit lately."

"Yeah…," she answered slowly."I guess."

"You haven't been hanging out with us after school as much, either," Yugi added. He frowned playfully. "Are we not good enough anymore Anzu?" he teased.

He heart clenched in her chest. The mere idea that he would believe such a thing made her voice leap from her lips, "No!"

He seemed taken aback at her loud protest, and she quickly backpedalled. "I mean, of course not!" She smiled widely and rubbed the back of her head with a sheepish air. "I've just been busy. Homework, you know?"

How odd that the lie tasted familiar on her tongue.

Beside her, Ryou's gaze became intense.

How unfortunate that the lie would sound familiar on his ears.

"That's okay, then," Yugi said, brow furrowed slightly.

They lapsed into familiar conversation. As she slowly entered into the familiar, yet somehow foreign, atmosphere of the table Anzu relaxed. She felt comfortable. More than she ever remembered feeling before.

She realized how much she'd missed this lately. How much she'd missed not only them, but Jou and Kaiba and Honda. Being back in the group, talking, she felt…

Marik leaned across the table and brushed his thumb tenderly beneath Ryou's eye, a smirk curling the corner of his lip.

She felt…

She wanted that. She wanted to be part of what they had. She wanted to be able to touch them affectionately, casually. She wanted to hold them, flirt and tease with them. She wanted it so much.

It wasn't hers to have. Her mind replayed the last time she'd cut, before Sorano came along. It wasn't her place to be a part of what they had. They had each other. It was already a feat of amazement that there was room for the six of them in each other's hearts, but a seventh?

Her hand travelled to her wrist, and she rubbed her lower arm through her sleeve.

She was damaged. She'd done this to herself. What would they say if they knew? Would they pity her? View her pathetic? Ignore her?

Her heart stuttered. She wouldn't be able to take it. If they ignored her, the already cracked pieces of herself would shatter.

She rubbed harder. What was wrong with her? Why did she get so depressed so easily? Why was she so pathetic? Compared to what they'd been through, her plight was nothing. They'd all been through so much worse, overcome so much worse.

So why was this so hard for her?

The foundations of her mask trembled.

She wanted to run. She wanted to escape to her bathroom, pull out the scissors in her bag. She wanted—

"Hey Anzu, sorry I'm late."

A hand fell heavily on her should, the fingers squeezing reassuringly, as the table turned as one the girl standing behind Anzu.

Sorano smiled cheekily. "You don't mind if I join you, right?"


It was pure coincidence that I found him there. I was running late for dance practice, and forgot my bag in the classroom. How was I supposed to know Ryou sometimes stayed late?

He was at his desk near the wall, close to the front. In his hands and on the desk were cards, but not ones she recognized from everyday use. These weren't the ones used to duel.

He hadn't glanced up when I entered. I wondered if he was ignoring me, or if he was too engrossed in the cards. Slinging my bag over my shoulder, my curiosity got the better of me as I approached quietly from behind him. Getting a closer look, I realized what they were. My mouth opened without my permission.

"Do you like the occult?"

Ryou stiffened immediately, his head jerking away from their vigilant stare at the cards in his hand. "Excuse me?"

"Do you like the occult?" I repeated. "I, uh, saw your cards there. Those are tarot cards, aren't they?"

Ryou hesitated, then nodded. "Yes."

I smiled shyly, pointing at a card in his hand. "What does that one mean?"

He looked at the card I'd indicated. "That's the Moon card. The cards are interpreted differently depending on their placement in a reading. Here," he lay the cards flat, "try this. Think of a question for the future, and pick a card. I'll tell you what it means."

Thinking for a moment, I decided on a fairly simple question. "What will my future be like?"

Drawing a card, I handed it to him without looking. As I watched, his expression shifted and changed. It went from calm but apprehensive, to pensive and curious. His eyes shifted between me and the card multiple times, and his head cocked inquisitively.

"Well?" I asked. "What does the card say? What will my future be like?"

He hesitated to answer. "The card you picked is the Queen of Swords. Typically, in terms of the future, this card's meaning," he paused and met my eyes, "is 'difficult pain to make you stronger.' Or something along those lines."

I bit my lip, a sudden sense of dread crawling along my spine. "Oh."

He smiled politely as he set the card back down. "Yes," he murmured. "Oh."


Sorano's question hung in the air. For a few, long seconds there was no answer.

Then Bakura, ever crass, said, "Why not? Pull up a chair, bitch."

Yami smacked the back of Bakura's head for the insult, and Sorano raised a brow at the term, but snagged an empty chair from a nearby table nonetheless. Squeezing between her and Jou, Sorano smiled at Anzu. "Sorry I took so long, Anzu."

Feeling her previous panic settled, Anzu's mask slipped a bit to smile a small, but deep smile at the other girl. "No problem, Sorano. Thanks for coming."

"It's nice to finally talk to you," Yugi said. "We see you in class all the time, but I don't think we've ever really spoken."

Sorano's expression was bemused. "We haven't."

"How do you know Anzu?" Malik asked, curiosity in his tone. "You don't exactly seem the matching pair."

Anzu stiffened, and Sorano grabbed her hand comfortingly under the table. "Well, it was just one of those gal meets gal stories. Hardly interesting." Sorano's smile was sharp.

Malik's lavender eyes narrowed slightly, renewed interest squirming in his expression as he dubiously replied, "I doubt that."

Sorano shrugged. "Believe what you like, Ishtar." She chuckled mirthlessly. "It's your choice."

Lunch continued, slightly tense, but an improvement over Anzu's previously panicked state. Sighing, Anzu traced a nail over the table. At least, she decided, the urge had gone away.


"Well, how about you pick one now?"

Ryou raised a brow at me. "Pardon?"

I pushed my dread away and pointed at the cards. "You try now."

He hummed contemplatively. "Self divination isn't known to be very successful."

"Well then," I decided, "how about this?" I clasped my hands in front of me and closed my eyes, focusing carefully. "What will the future of Bakura Ryou be like?" I drew a card from the pile and handed it to him.

He laughed as he took it, and I realized it was the first time I'd ever heard him do so. It was a nice sound. Eyes bright, he looked at the card. "The Hanged Man," he said, "you will discover strength within."


Anzu was glad to be going home. She'd gone to the library with Sorano after school, needing a quiet place to regroup and work in peace. Now, she wanted nothing more than to curl up on her bed and sleep. Perhaps she'd write a little, too. For some reason, it seemed to comfort her more than she'd originally believed was possible.

The sun was setting as she approached her front door, searched her bag for her key. It took a few minutes of frantic searching for her to realize she'd forgotten it on her table this morning.

"Dammit," she mumbled, grasping for her phone, which she'd thankfully not forgotten. She sent a text to her mother, informing her of the situation. Three minutes later, she received a reply.

I'm working late. Stay with a friend.

Anzu stared at the screen for a very long time.


"See, that wasn't so bad!" I grinned.

He nodded, his expression lit with good humor. "No, it wasn't." He glanced at the time, seeming to realize the lateness. "Sorry, looks like I need to leave."

I nodded understandingly. "That's fine."

He gathered his things and slung his bag over his shoulder, approaching the classroom entrance. Just before he left, he turned half around, hand lingering on the door frame. "Mazaki-san?"

"Just Anzu, please," I replied.

He nodded. "Anzu-chan," he said, "thank you."

He smiled…


"Mazaki?"

The bored voice made Anzu look up into the bored expression of Marik, the one who had spoken. Beside him, Malik looked on wonderingly.

"Hi Marik," she said. "Heading home?"

He nodded, and glanced at her hand clenching her cell phone tightly. "Heading inside?"

"I'm locked out, actually," she said, embarrassed. "I forgot my key inside this morning."

"Is someone going to let you in?" Malik asked, seeming to take more interest in the conversation.

Anzu looked to the side, unanswering.

"You could stay with us," Marik noted blandly. "It's just for the night, right?"

Anzu gaped, wide-eyed. "But, I mean, I couldn't just intrude."

Malik ignored her, turning to his yami. "That's a good idea," he said. I'm sure sis wouldn't mind." He and Marik began to walk away, stopping after a few feet. Glancing over his shoulder at her, he asked, "Aren't you coming, Anzu?"

Confused and disoriented, Anzu followed.


…and for the second time in my life, I felt my heart beat for someone else.


If God's the game that you're playing
Well we must get more acquainted
Because it has to be so lonely
To be the only one who's holy
It's just my humble opinion
But it's one that I believe in
You don't deserve a point of view
If the only thing you see is you

~Paramore


Thanks for reading! Please review, and tell me what you think. I feel like this chapter was kind of rushed, but I'm not entirely sure. Feedback appreciated!