Continuation of this story is thanks to NoOrdinaryLines and msTGR. Thanks AC and Thais for making me dust this off and continue it.

Of course, this is now an AU, set at the end of season 3.

Chapter 4 Let It Go

Kate tries to change the subject, knowing where this conversation is heading. Pretty soon, Lanie is going to start asking for details. And really, there aren't any details to share. Her lingering injuries have made sure of that. Instead, she pulls out one of her reliable conversation stoppers, certain to tell her best friend that she's not willing to share. "Just the usual. Nothing overly exciting."

Lanie drops her line of questioning, if only temporarily. They give their drink orders to the waitress and start to peruse the menu when she brings it up again. "It has to be a record though, right? The amount of time you've spent together the last few weeks outside of the precinct, I mean."

Kate looks up, initially not sure where this is going. Kate sees the questioning look on Lanie's face, the one that speaks volumes without saying a word. It's a look borne from years of being best friends, from spending enough time with both her and Castle that she knows that there are plenty more obstacles to overcome.

"We'll cross that bridge when we get to it, Lanie," Kate explains quietly. She doesn't really want to discuss it right now. Not now, when she only twenty minutes ago was given the clear from her doctor to start rebuilding her strength.

The waitress returns and they quickly give their orders before Lanie kicks Kate under the table to regain her attention. "Answer me one thing. How much have you discussed your mother's case, and yours for that matter, since you've been at the loft?"

Kate doesn't answer, but simply returns that glare that Lanie employed so flawlessly moments ago. They haven't talked about it. The subject has been one they have managed to navigate around for the last couple weeks, instead focusing on the fact that she was there—alive—and they now had the chance to make up for lost time. But as much as she loves the thought, she realizes that Lanie is right. Returning to work means facing everything she's been avoiding since…well, longer than she cares to admit.

They eat in silence, an oddity that Kate is thankful for. As much as she loves Lanie and is grateful that she has friends who can pull her out of her blissful ignorance, she needs a few minutes to reflect.

"I get it, you know."

Lanie's quiet words across the table bring Kate's eyes back up to silently question her friend.

"I wasn't trying to be mean or hurtful by bringing it up. I know why you've avoided the topic."

"Then why—" Kate starts, only to be cut off by Lanie's hand shushing her.

"This thing with you and Castle," Lanie starts as she dabs her mouth with her napkin and sits back in the booth. "It's intense. It always has been. Even from the beginning."

"I don't know if that's the case," Kate defends. Lanie's right, but that doesn't mean she has to admit to it.

"Yeah, sure."

"Lanie…"

"Are you really going to argue with me about how long you've had feelings for Castle?"

"No, but…"

"No buts. Regardless of when it started, it's still intense. And the fact is that it took your life hanging in the balance to bring the two of you together. My guess is that right now, you're both teetering on the edge, afraid to say or do the wrong thing. So instead, you tread where it's safe. Avoid the issue, and you can delay the inevitable."

"Which is?" Kate asks, curious to hear what Lanie considers to be 'the inevitable.'

"That you're both in over your heads."

Kate sits up, sure that she just heard her best friend say that she and Castle are in over their heads with their relationship. That it's something they can't handle. That it will ruin them. She opens her mouth to argue, but words don't come. She was sure Lanie was on their side, that she was pulling for them.

"With the case, Kate. Your mom's case, your shooting, everything. You and Castle are in over your heads. They almost killed you. If you keep poking, they might succeed and get Castle while they're at it."

The thought of Castle losing his life because of her crashes her back to reality. Chasing her mother's killer has always been her crusade. Not for the first time, she is wracked with guilt over what her needs and compulsions could do to his family. They could leave Alexis without a father, Martha without a son. When it was just her going after the killer, her motivations were easier to justify. Then again, she'd never been so close to catching him. She'd never been close enough where the person responsible felt endangered enough to try and kill her.

"Listen, I meant what I said." Lanie's voice is quiet again, matching Kate's demeanor now that she'd been shocked with exactly how much was at stake now that she made the decision to let Castle in completely. "I get it. I think not talking about it for a time was probably a smart move. I think you needed a break, and you obviously needed to do some healing. You still do, really. All I'm asking is that you and Castle have a serious discussion about turning this over to someone with more resources and not as much personal attachment."

"Why do I get the idea that you already have someone in mind?"

"No one specifically. But you have plenty of federal contacts, Kate. Use them. Get their help. And get out from behind that shadow that's been following you around for the last 13 years."

"How much has Esposito told you?" Kate asks, realizing Lanie's knowledge of events that Kate hasn't shared with her friend.

"Enough to know that you're damn lucky to be alive."

0o0o0o0o0o0o0o

Kate returns to the loft, her awkward conversation with Lanie behind her but leaving her with questions about how her doctor's partial release will affect her ever-changing relationship with Castle. She shouts his name as she crosses the threshold, expecting him to be waiting for her, but her arrival is met with silence.

She sits on the couch, her head falling against the back as her mind starts to cycle through the past month. Her thoughts are fleeting, her consciousness not able to stick with a single thought for long. For some reason, a simple doctor's visit has brought back Detective Kate Beckett with full force, and she can't seem to shake the part of her that wants to storm into the precinct immediately and take over the investigation into the person who tried to have her killed.

The door opens some time later, and Kate becomes aware that she must have dozed off on the couch. She sits up, running her hands through her hair and righting herself after her unintentional nap. A set of keys crash against the kitchen island behind her, causing her to turn around in anticipation. She only knows one person who throws their keys like that.

"Kate…hey," Castle says as he walks into the living room. He hides something behind his back and makes a hasty retreat behind the island in the kitchen. "I thought you were out with Lanie this afternoon."

Curious, Kate walks over to greet him, a smile on her face as she takes note that he doesn't want her to see whatever he just shoved in a drawer. "I was," she tells him, pushing up on her toes to give him a brief kiss. "But I was getting tired and Lanie noticed."

Rick's eyes take in her appearance, and he runs his hands through her hair. "Understandable. Did the nap help?"

"What?" Kate asks, intent on denying that she was sleeping when he got home. "I wasn't—"

"Kate," he admonishes laughingly. "I may not be a detective, but I learned from the best." He takes in her tousled hair, and his eyes fall on her own sleepy pupils. "Messy hair, your eyes are droopy, and you have a line on your face from leaning against the pillow."

"Okay, so I was sleeping. What's the big deal?" She walks away from him, her fingers lingering on his forearm as she retreats into the kitchen. She wants to know what's in that drawer and why it is such a secret that Rick stashed it there when he realized she was present.

"Hey, no big deal," he tells her, wasting no time in following her to the kitchen. "I'm glad you're rested."

"So what have you been up to this afternoon?" she asks in an attempt to find out what he's hiding from her. "I was expecting you here when I got back."

"Ah, Detective," he drawls, following her retreating form across the kitchen. When he catches up to her, he wraps his arms gently around her from behind, surprising her. "Did you miss me?"

"Mmm, maybe a little."

She relaxes into his embrace, feels his lips gently brush over her exposed collar bone, his strong arms protecting her, and his thick fingers dancing along the planes of her stomach. This has been the extent of their physical contact over the course of the past few weeks, a series of soft touches, mostly chaste kisses, and teasing embraces. Going no further has been an unspoken mutual agreement between them, the nature of her injuries causing a greater degree of caution.

He almost has her devoid of all other thought when Lanie's questioning enters her mind unbidden. Kate internally curses her best friend, not just for her inquisitive nature regarding her personal life, but also for her insistence that she and Castle—and the whole team, for that matter—are in over their heads when it comes to this mess of a 13-year-old murder investigation.

"So what was that you shoved in the drawer when you came in? Hiding some kind of surprise for me?"

Kate turns in his embrace—almost too quickly. Now that her mind has gone in that direction, there's no way to dismiss her curiosity. Her arms go around his waist, a desperate move to steady herself that doubles as an affectionate gesture. She doesn't see the loving and joking face from earlier, though. He looks…nervous.

"No, uh…" Castle stutters, and she can see the desperation in his eyes. But he goes back to the drawer, opens it, and pulls out a file folder. He holds it with both hands, not looking her in the eye, and lays it on the counter. With the slightest nudge of his finger, it is within her reach.

It—whatever it is—is there, just waiting for her. But she can't find it in her to open it. Instead, she desperately looks to Castle for an explanation.

"We may have found something."

The words are simple, but hold a great deal of weight. Kate is unsure how to even proceed. She needs more. And did he say we? She holds her tongue, hoping for more of an explanation.

"I've been trying to help out the boys, as much as I can, to find the guy who shot you."

"You've been doing what?"

"Just research, Kate, I swear. I haven't even left the precinct. That is, when I actually go into the precinct."

"So, what? You've been doing this on the sly without me?"

"Well, yeah. I can't stand the thought of someone out there wanting you dead, Kate. It drives me insane, keeps me awake at night." He takes three steps forward and reaches his hand out for hers, brings it to rest on top of the file. "You've been in no condition to think or deal about this. The boys and I, we just need to find something."

"I take it you have, judging by the size of that file." Her eyes glance down, and her fingers begin to itch with the possibilities. The contents could contain the break they need, or it could be another dead end.

"It's small. But they're a bunch of small events that could be connected in some way. Problem is that we're missing the proof."

He removes his hand from hers and grabs the file, ready to share with her what they found. But before he can, she slams it shut again on the counter and stalks off toward the living room.

She falls onto the couch, her body suddenly feeling exhausted. Getting out today was a good feeling, even if it was for a doctor's appointment and subsequently being grilled by Lanie, but now she feels weary. Her shoulders weigh her down and her legs feel heavy as well. But most of all, she just wants to be rid of it all. She's tired, but not just physically.

Castle follows quietly after a few minutes, giving her a good deal of space as he sits down next to her on the couch.

"What's going on in that head of yours?"

"Tomorrow, I'm placing a call to Jordan Shaw," she says matter-of-factly. "It's time we pass this off to someone else. Someone higher up."

"But Kate—"

"I know, Castle. Trust me, I know." She doesn't elaborate, knows that he was going to argue for the person she used to be, the person whose mission in life was to solve her mother's murder. But now, now she's responsible for more than just herself. Now she needs to make sure Castle makes it home to his daughter. And if they continue down this road with the case, she's not certain she can bring him home. She would never forgive herself.

"You're sure about this? It's been your…"

"Obsession? Crutch? Character flaw?"

"Not the words I was going to use, but—"

"But still the truth. And the rest of the truth is that we're not equipped to deal with this the way it should be dealt with. We're too close, too vulnerable, and our resources are too limited."

Castle sits back on the couch, trying to mask the smile erupting throughout his features. He shakes his head slowly.

"This isn't exactly the reaction I expected, Castle." Though, she isn't exactly sure what kind of reaction she did expect from him.

"I won't lie. I'm kind of ecstatic right now."

"Really? Because you look like you don't believe me."

"Oh, then you need more practice with my facial expressions." He scoots toward her, the smile now unabashedly plastered on his face as he reaches for her and wraps one arm around her waist delicately. "This is my 'I can't believe I fell in love with such an extraordinary woman' face."

"It is, huh?"

Her eyes droop shut, just as much from his words as from the emotional heaviness of the day.

"Yeah," he whispers against her skin. "And you are extraordinary. I've only ever wanted you to be happy. If you being happy meant being the one to solve your mother's murder, then I was going to do whatever I could to help you accomplish that goal. But if you're ready to hand it off and let someone else deal with it…"

"I am."

"Then I'm all for it."


This is NOT the end. There are many more "evolutions" to take place in their relationship, which I'll be exploring in the coming chapters. Thank you for reading.