Chapter Four: Parties
It's been a little less than three weeks since Octavia's appendix was removed and sometimes it feels like forever ago to her. She comes in to the apartment from work and is kind of surprised to see Bellamy at the kitchen table, eating cereal from the box. "Oh, do you still live here?" she asks, teasing, reaching her hand in the cereal box and pulling back a handful, sitting across from Bellamy to eat while he rolls his eyes at her. He picked up a third job as an overnight janitor, a couple nights a week, to pay the hospital bill from her surgery. She feels awful about it and picks up every available shift at The Drop Ship so he won't feel like he has to stay there long. 'It's just temporary, O' he says whenever she brings it up.
She has tried asking him about Clarke a few times, but he always just shrugs her off, 'It didn't work out, O, what's the big deal?' and he'll sometimes leave the room to get away from the conversation, when she won't drop it. She really doesn't want to pry, but no one will tell her anything, and Lincoln thinks he saw Bellamy break up with Clarke at the hospital, which makes her think it could be her fault somehow and she hates that thought. She throws a piece of cereal at him, laughs when it bounces off his cheek and he picks it up and pops it in his mouth. "So, what happened with you and Clarke?" she asks and watches him tense up and shake his head. "Clarke won't tell me anything. And every time I bring it up she looks at me like I got her a puppy and then kicked it" she crosses her arms over her chest and glares at her brother. Bellamy closes his eyes, his head dropping, and she feels bad for asking even though she thinks someone should tell her something, "Bell, I just don't get it" she says, her voice softer, "I thought you really liked her"
Bellamy nods, "I did" he tells her, putting the box of cereal back on top of the fridge. He kisses the top of her head when he walks past her, "Go to bed, O" lingering in the air as his bedroom door swings shut.
Clarke flattens the front of her dress and touches her hair lightly before she sends Octavia a quick 'Happy Birthday, Party hardy :-)' text, pulls in a deep breath and goes inside. She walks down the foyer, to the living room and finds her mom on the couch, Kane behind her pouring a drink and handing to Abby. Her eyes narrow at Kane in question as her mother stands and pulls her into a hug. "I thought it would be nice to have Marcus here, maybe we could talk about establishing a foundation in your father's name". Clarke works hard at not rolling her eyes as she nods.
It's Octavia's birthday party and she feels badly about not attending the party that Jasper told her Bellamy is throwing at their apartment. But, it's also the anniversary of her father's death (well, it's a couple of weeks before the actual anniversary, but her mother will be out of town for that, naturally), and when her mom called and asked if she'd come over for dinner it felt like the right thing to do. She sits on the couch and takes the white wine that Kane offers her, sipping it as she watches them talk. A server that she thinks she recognizes from the Ark comes out and tells them that dinner is ready and the three of them make their way to the dining room, sitting at perfectly set place setting as salads are brought out. She asks for the pepper and her mom asks when she is going back to school.
She closes her eyes and blows out a long breath, "I don't know that I am" she says as she opens her eyes, "I don't think I want to go back to London" she says, even if in that moment, nothing sounds better than the distance it would put between them.
Abby looks relieved and Clarke can't figure out why until, "There are so many good medical schools here, Clarke. You could start Johns Hopkins next semester if I make a call. Or Columbia P&S if you want to stay in New York" her mom is half out of her seat, like she's going to call every medical school on the east coast right at this moment. Like Clarke didn't know about schools here until two minutes ago and that's why she didn't go back.
"Mom" she says and Abby doesn't seem to hear it, "Mom" she repeats louder and Abby turns to look at her. "If I go back to school, I don't think it will be for medicine" she says low and even while her mother's eyes slowly grow. She was never that close with Abby, but she'd wanted so badly for her daughter to be a doctor and Clarke didn't dislike the idea of helping people, so she figured it was kind of a win-win, but with her father's death weighting heavily on her, she doesn't want to follow her mother's path anymore.
"You've wanted to be a doctor your whole life" Abby says, her unblinking gaze never leaving Clarke. Clarke doesn't answer, just gives a little half-shrug that seems to infuriate Abby who stands, "Your father wanted that for you too" it's heavy and stagnate in the air, "He'd be disappointed in your not going back".
She lets go of the handle of her suite case and lets the wheels slide out from under it as it tumbles to the ground, too front heavy to stand straight up without her holding it. "I don't know" she says in answer to her father's question, "I'm not sure medicine is for me". She leaves her suite case in the middle of the hall and goes to the living room, pulling a candy cane off the tree and unwrapping it, breaking a piece off a popping it in her mouth.
"It's only been one term" her father reminds her and she half shrugs non-committal and unsure. "Well, then, why don't you transfer?" Jake asks and she looks at him sharply; unsure and intrigued, "The University of the Arts in London isn't that far from your school now. You might even be able to keep your flat" he says and her eyes widen. She decides to finish out the year where she is and reelevate during her next break, excited that it feels like a whole new option is open to her. The knowledge that her father would be on her side regardless making her light and happy.
"I don't think he would be" she says and stands, leaving Kane and Abby in the dining room while she hides in a bathroom upstairs. She stays in there for longer than feels reasonable for her age before she starts to feel ridiculous and goes back downstairs. She freezes when she turns the corner to the dining room and Kane and Abby are mid-kiss by the table. Abby sees her and starts to talk but Clarke shakes her head and slams the door on her way to her car.
She's not stupid, she knew that Abby and Kane had started…something. She secretly wondered if it started before her dad died, but she wanted to give her mom the benefit of the doubt. But, they'd been arguing about what her father would want on the sort-of-anniversary of his death and she's kissing someone else in the kitchen they once shared. It felt wrong and like a betrayal, even though it might not technically be. She's about half way to Wells' when she remembers how disappointed Octavia looked when she told her that she didn't think she'd make the party, and she thinks about the box wrapped in pink paper that she'd planned to give her at dinner on Friday when she turns around.
The dinner with her mom hadn't been her only reason for wanting to skip the party, obviously she wanted to avoid Bellamy as well, but she could stand to be around her friends right now, and it is Octavia's birthday (well, technically, Octavia's birthday was three days ago, but Monty told her that Bellamy hadn't been able to get that off work, so they all pretended it was today), so she decides that putting in an appearance might be okay. Anger and hurt fuels her as she drives.
By the time she parks, her anger and indignation has turned to sadness, deep and gnawing in her stomach, and she just plans to hug Octavia and leave her gift before going back to Wells' and going to bed. Jasper sees her first and basically tackles her in a hug she doesn't see coming and she has to brace against the table next to her to keep from toppling over from. The kitchen table is piled with gifts, so she adds hers to the stack and smiles at Octavia as she walks over, attracted by the sound of Jasper tackling her. She hugs Octavia tightly and whispers "Happy birthday" in her ear. Octavia tries to argue when Clarke tells her that she's going to go home, but she must notice something in her, because she gives in easily and they promise to see each other soon.
When Clarke is turning to leave, Bellamy catches her eye. He's sitting on the counter, a beer hanging loosely from his fingers, his other hand supporting his weight. He is in mid conversation with Miller and a brunette girl that Clarke doesn't know is standing between his legs. The girl's hand is on his thigh and her lips are on his neck and she feels tears pool in her eyes faster than she can blink them away. She knows that she hasn't the right to her anger; they weren't together, but he still broke up with her long before this moment he is free and clear to do whatever the hell he wants, but that knowledge only leaves her with her sadness and she lets out a shaky breath before she turns. She hears Octavia call her name, but she just shakes her head as she pushes out of the apartment. She waits outside by her car for a few seconds, feeling ridiculous, to see if he's going to follow her (it plays out like a movie in her head, him chasing her dramatically down the stairs) but he doesn't and she leaves alone and sad and wishing he didn't affect her anymore.
Bellamy sees her a fraction of a second after she sees him and he grips the edge of the counter top tight enough for it to sting his palm a little to keep himself from going to her. She looks beautiful, a dress far too formal for his apartment, the ghost of a smile for Octavia fading from her face as she takes in Echo standing between his legs. She turns and runs out of his apartment and he grips Echo's hip tight to keep from running after her, but she misinterprets it and grinds against him, he pushes her lightly and hops down from the counter, goes to the bathroom and throws up.
It's just cool enough outside that Clarke is wearing a long-sleeved shirt with her skirt as they make their way through the bleachers. Octavia got ten tickets for her graduation, and was nice enough to give Clarke two so she wouldn't sit alone and she pulls Wells behind her, looking for a good spot. She sees Bellamy sitting with Lincoln, both men staring straight ahead neither speaking, on the end of the last set of bleachers and stops before they get any closer, sitting on the opposite end of the middle set of bleachers. She hears her name and glances around a little until she sees Raven, pulling a scruffy looking guy she introduces as Wick behind her and they settle in the row behind her. She catches Jasper and Monty going up to Bellamy out of the corner of her eye and notices at the last moment that Harper is with them, her hand in Monty's, and smiles.
She knows that she is going to have to see Bellamy, they are all going to dinner to celebrate after this, but she doesn't want to do so any sooner than she has to. She'd thought about not going to the dinner, but when Octavia asked her, all big eyes and pleading tone and 'I understand if you can't, cause of Bell' she hadn't the heart to say no. And, she reasoned, having friends in common meant that this kind of thing was going to come up, she'd have to get over it at some point.
The ceremony takes forever, but with Raven's running commentary behind her and Wells digging his elbow into her ribs to quiet her laughter, it doesn't feel so bad. Octavia throws her cap in the air with the rest of the graduates and Clarke chances a look at Bellamy who is standing and watching his sister with awe. When it's over, they all make their way over to where Bellamy is sitting, Octavia is already alternating between shoving her diploma in Bellamy's face and hugging him tightly. Clarke likes Lincoln a lot, but she thinks idly that it might be the first time she's ever seen him really smile. Octavia gives a little shriek when she notices them walking up, right in Bellamy's ear, and grabs Raven's hands, jumping up and down while Raven pretends to be annoyed before hugging Clarke and whispering "Thanks for coming" in her ear and hugging Wells. She's still got her arms around Wells when "Wait, I don't know you" and she pulls back. Clarke laughs, introducing Wells to the group, Raven following with Wick.
They go to an arcade after. Octavia told her that she picked it because Bellamy used to save for months when a special occasion was coming up so that they could go and it's one of her favorite memories. This time, Bellamy has rented out a room in the back and everyone drops their stuff there before going to the counter to exchange cash for tokens to play with. Clarke makes avoiding Bellamy a top priority, and she's really pretty good at it; she beats Jasper at Skee Ball and Monty beats her at a basketball game, her and Lincoln both crash their virtual cars while racing and Wells lets her take out all her frustration on a game of Whack-A-Mole where she hits the moles on both sides of the playing board. She's coming out of the bathroom at the same time as him, both feeding into the narrow hallway that will lead them back to the games, and that is where her priorities fail her.
She rubs her hands on her thighs and her eyes dart around, "Hey" she says, they're too close together to pretend not to see each other and there's no going back now.
"Hey" he says back, lets his eyes wash over her and she tries not to squirm under his stare.
She clears her throat lightly, "Congratulations" she says and his eyes furrow together in question, "I know how important it was to you that Octavia graduate" she explains and she almost hates the way his eyes soften, the way he reaches out and lets his fingers graze the skin of her arm, just above her elbow before he can think better of it. She closes her eyes for a moment, pulls in a deep breath and breaths out his name. He's opening his mouth to say something when her name being called from the other side of the room demands their attention. Harper is calling for her, pointing excitedly to an Air Hockey table and she gives her a thumbs-up to let her know she is on her way. When she looks back at Bellamy, she knows the moment has passed, he already looks more composed and he mumbles a 'good luck' as he walks away.
When the actual anniversary of her father's death comes, she wakes up late and stumbles towards the kitchen for coffee, her eyes already a little red. She has to do a double take when she passes the living room, because Wells, Octavia, and Raven are sitting on the couch, the Netflix home screen lighting up the television. She stands in the entryway until Wells sees her and tilts his head so she'll come in. They spend all day watching Netflix and order pizza halfway through the day. Clarke loves that she isn't alone.
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