Chapter 4

Missing someone can't be healthy

Disclaimer: I own nothing!!!

Leah POV

I'm starting to miss Ray. He hasn't called or text me and no email.

Kyla called me earlier and asked if I wanted to go run so I'm here at the park early so I can stretch. I haven't been here since Ray and I had our falling out. Kyla walks over with a red racer back top and some black tights she's looking very cute today.

"Ky, you look cute today."

"Thanks. Your green is complimenting my red." She says noticing my green sports bra with some long black sweat pants.

"Great. We look like some over grown Christmas elves. Who want to be Santa's little ho's rather than helpers."

"Leah, that's," Kyla begins but is cut off by an old white man passes by us with an over-sized belly and a small t-shirt.

"Afternoon, ladies." He greets while passing by.

"I told you." I whisper pointing at the man as he continues on. Kyla and I talk about our day and she agrees that what happened with Ray was justifiable but maybe I was overreacting a bit. But 'overreact' is my middle name. As we're running I pick up a familiar scent that runs past me.

"Leah was that Ray?" Kyla asks and we start slowing our pace down.

"Yeah." I answer looking back to only see him slowly walking towards me. I start jogging away with Kyla following after me.

"Why aren't you stopping?" She asks me looking back at Ray.

"Because," Leah Clearwater doesn't chase.

"Hey, Leah." Ray calls out to us while running up to us. I give a small smile and nod to Kyla to let her see what I mean.

"Hay is for fucking horses." I say.

"Leah, don't do this." Ray pleads. "I miss you." He says hugging me as I smile pulling him closer.

"Leah, I'm going to sit on the bench while you guys talk." Kyla says before walking off to sit and then stare at a guy running with his shirt off.

"So why are you running?" I ask him with a smile. "Did your bitchy girlfriend piss you off?"

"I actually don't have a girlfriend but my girl that is a friend did piss me off." Ray says with a small smile.

"I'm sorry." I tell him genuinely meaning it. This is a first. I quickly realize.

"Did Leah Clearwater just apologize?" I did just apologize. I can't believe it. I never say I'm sorry unless I truly do something wrong.

"Yes, I did. And I want you to be my boyfriend." He's standing there with his mouth open. I've not only apologized but want to enter into a relationship. Leah Clearwater is changing and it feels good. Ray picks me up, gives me a hug and kisses me over and over again.

"Ray, just don't try to force me home."

"I want Leah – I only want the best for you, remember that."

"I see you two are back together." Kyla says while walking over to us.

****

Ray and I are going to work on us. I'm not ready to go home just yet but I am tired of being alone. Ray doesn't want to rush me to do anything I'm not ready for. Like Kyla he's encouraged me to work on being a better me instead of concentrating on the negative things. Things are looking good for us. I've start opening up to him and at least now he knows the things Kyla knows.

There is one thing that annoys me about Ray and that is when he gets an idea he sticks with and he won't let it go. We are lying in the bed I can tell he has something to say but he won't say it right away because he choosing his words carefully. He opens his mouth, closes and then he looks away.

"Ray, just say it already." I say quietly.

"How do you know I'm going to say something?" He asks surprised.

"You're doing that thing you do."

"I think you should enroll in school." I give him a weary look.

"I want to go it's just been a while since I was there." I admit.

"Leah, you're what, twenty-two at the most? That's not that long." Just now I realize have I told him my birthday but he doesn't know my 'real' age. I haven't aged. I've been looking like a twenty-two year old for the past six-years.

"Yeah that's still old to be a freshman." I throw out.

"You will be fine. You won't be the only person either. I've already talked to Kyla and she wants to go back too."

"Were you discussing me behind my back?" I ask him starting to feel very defensive. I don't like it when people talk about when I'm not there to defend myself.

"No, she asked me about school and then she told me that she thought about going back. So I told her she should and then I thought you should and you could do it together." Ray answers.

"Ray, I am going to tell you this once and only once." I'm starting to get pissed. "I am not a child. I do not need my friends to hold my hand and walk me to class. I am capable of taking care of myself and others. I am not the one to be looked after or taken care of in any way. If I wanted a mother I would move home and if I wanted a father I would dig him up! From now on you keep your opinions that have to do with me and school to your-fucking-self!" I yell at him. "I don't like the idea of someone constantly taking care of me and watching over me. It makes me feel like Bella-fucking-Swan – Cullen. I am not a sobbing, wrong-sense-of-direction, demon-spawn-having, grave-diving-morbid-necrophiliac bitch!"

"Leah? You just blew up so fucking fast without thinking. Fuck! And who the hell is Bella?" He asks looking highly confused.

"Don't worry about it and stop being such an overbearing boyfriend!" I snapped.

I hope he doesn't watch me in my sleep like that frozen dick bastard Ed-fucking-weirdo. I thought to myself while silently fuming.

"I suggested school to you because you are too smart to keep working at the fucking Shop-N-Save. It's beneath you and Kyla! I thought that you may want to go with her because she is your friend and when you go to school with friends. You do know what friends are, don't you? Well school is fun when you have someone to bitch to about the professor who wears those strange glasses and grades your paper in purple marker and when she returns it to you it smell like cough drops and cat pee! I am so fucking sorry I care about you to the fact that I want to take care of you because it's apparent that you don't have anyone to take care of you!" He screams at me.

Ray also pisses me off because he calls me out on my bullshit. He doesn't just let me yell and get my way. He yells back at me to let me know that I'm not the only one who has something to say.

"Fuck you Ray. I told you it wouldn't be easy and I don't like being the victim." I scream back.

"I'm not asking you to be a victim. I'm asking you to just let the wall you have between us down so I can at least hug you and feel all of you." It was true. I always held back when we hugged or kiss. The wall I have up is tall and thick and I never meant to take it down because it helps me cope with things. I'm sexually frustrated and I want to have sex with him. I kiss him and so I could let some of the wall I have built up around me down.

"Ray?"

"Yes?"

"If I share something with you will you promise me you won't think I'm a freak or I'm weird for wanting a fairy tale ending in life?"

"Leah, even though women are aware that fairy tale endings aren't true. They still would like the closest thing to it. What kind of person would I be to deny you of that?"

I'm going to tell him some of the truth without adding the werewolf thing to it. So I think at least but before I can process my next thought my lips are glued to his. He smells so good and he tastes good too. I have been deprived for so long. Ray picks me up roughly and places me on his lap. Wrapping my legs around his waist I kiss him roughly and he places his hands on the back of my head before he stops.

"What- did I do something wrong?" I ask looking confused and hurt.

"No, of course not that was perfect. It's just that I – are you ready for this?" My body was ready more than ready but emotionally I'm not. I look up at him and give him a smile but a small shake saying 'no'.

"It's fine, Leah. We can stay like this and talk if you want."

"That would be nice. I wanted to share something with you anyway."

"Alright" I say taking a deep breath in and finally exhaling starting to tell Ray about my past.

"My name is Leah Sarah Clearwater. (Yes I was named after Jacobs's mother). I grew up in La Push in Quileute tribe. I was born on June 16, 1986. When I was nineteen some unfortunate things happened to me. One of them being my fiancé left me for my cousin who was my best friend. Two months after he proposed and I gave him all of me, my virginity, he left me a month later for her. She normally only visited during the summers but she had skipped the last two. I wanted her to meet the guy I was sure I was going to marry.

My father died around 8 months later – he had a heart attack. I still feel like it was my fault and I will feel like that for the rest of my life. I love my father but during his last day he and I weren't seeing eye-to-eye. Emily and my Ex, Sam, were having an engagement party and I refused to go. Being her cousin and her bridesmaid made it mandatory I make an appearance but I refuse to go. I wasn't feeling well that day

"Leah you need to let it go for one day that's all I'm asking." He told me.

I screamed back, "How would you feel if Charlie or Billy was fucking your wife?" He grabbed my hand and he let go of me and clutched his chest.

His last words were, "I'm sorry Lee." He had nothing to be sorry for because I was the one who caused it. Everyday after that I had only gotten worse not better. I became known on the Rez as a bitchy harpy who fell apart and would never be put back together again. I have really good hearing to the point that I hear everything people say when they think I'm not listening.

I haven't had my period in six years and sometimes I feel like that's my punishment for being cruel to my dad.

After Sam and my dad I did love again but it was by accident. I fell for a guy who was my best friend but he in turn is in love with another girl. When we were together he didn't treat me as 'broken Leah' he treated me like the Leah I was many years ago when I was happy.

I couldn't handle it so I left home. I wasn't running because I couldn't find a guy to stay with me. I was just tired. I got tired of being strong for my family and myself. All I ever wanted is to be just simple Leah again. Before all those bad things happened to me I had a really good life and I want it back.

My tribe believes in destiny that the men find the perfect woman and they live happily ever after. So my ex found that with my cousin and my best friend found it with a random person. The girls fit them like a warm mitten on a cold winter day in Forks. The only people on the reservation who haven't found anyone are my brother and his friend, Embry. I felt that there was no luck for me. I have been an angry bitch for a long time and the truth is, Ray, I don't want to be angry anymore I want to forgive and I want to forget."

Ray hugs me and kisses me and I start to cry. Crying in front of someone always been a sign of weakness in my eyes – if you cry then you were weak. Whenever I feel the need to cry I would normally insult someone or I would start to bitch. The truth is I've been a coward for a long time. I've been hiding for a long time and I'm ready to let go of so much. Crying felt so good I never realized how healthy it can be.

I know what I told him was the truth except for the werewolf part but I was ready to forgive and forget.

Yesterday I confessed everything. I want to move on so today I applied along with Kyla to Portland State University. I have to wait for my transcripts to be sent from high school. Kyla went to college and dropped out so she's waiting on her transcripts to be sent as well. Kyla wants to be a social worker and I decided that I want to just be a business major. Maybe if I went home I could own a little café. Who am I kidding? I have anger issues I can't work with the public. I have, actually, gotten better. I haven't phased in three months. Kyla is coming over for our girl's night and to help me clean up my room. I'm going to give Ray a drawer since he's started spending the night.

Ray never pressures me about sex I and I love that about him. I want to but that fact that the last man I slept with ran off with my cousin and the last man I kissed while naked is in love with a 5-year old. Precautions on who you bed are very necessary.

The door bell is ringing releasing me from my thoughts.

"What's up?" Kyla asks as I smile at her.

"My alcohol level will be in hour or two." She laughs at me as we walking into my bedroom and she literally screeches.

"Leah what the fuck is this?" She asks me.

"Calm down, this is my room!" I'm obviously offended.

"It's horrible." She tells me.

"It doesn't matter as long as the rest of the apartment is clean." I said with a frown.

"This is why I've only seen the living room, kitchen and the bathroom."

"Those are the most important rooms." I state matter-of-factly. I roll my eyes at her and we get started on the cleaning. It doesn't take long before I find a picture of Jake, Embry, Quil, Seth, and myself.

"Kyla you want to see some of my family." I ask looking down at the picture.

"Yeah." She says taking the picture and looking at it. She, of course, thinks that they all are hot. I would have too if Seth wasn't blood and if Quil and Embry weren't weirdoes.

"Which one is Jacob?" She asks looking up from the photo.

"He is the one in the middle with the red shirt on." I'm surprised he had a shirt on since he ran around naked half the time. I know it's hard to keep clothes with you but damn he never has clothes on.

"Wow… he is huge and cute. Their all pretty big."

"It's the steroids that they put in the chicken. You wouldn't believe how they juice those suckers up." I say laughing.

"Damn you guys must eat a lot of chicken. Who is the guy on the other side off Jacob?"

"That's Embry." She looks like she was seeing God.

"He is cute. Whenever you go home I want to come with you."

"Really? So you can see Embry." I state rather than question.

"Yes and no. I know it will be a big step and I want to be there with you."

After Kyla left I went to my room to lie in bed. I pulled the picture out to look at it. I was missing home again. I am probably going to fall asleep looking at it. For the first time I didn't feel angry. I was slowly forgiving it all while staring at picture.

The night I left I knew they would be looking for me. I snuck out my window and took a backpack, this picture and some clothes. On my way out my window I saw the necklace Jacob gave me for my twenty-fourth birthday sitting on my bed. When he first gave it to me I was pissed because it looks similar to Nessie's and Bella's bracelet. One day I offered to help Billy clean out a storage room in the garage when I saw a pic of Jacob's mother. She had been wearing the same necklace.

~Flash Back~

I storm in to Bella's and Edwards Cottage. "Why didn't you tell me that the necklace you gave me belonged to your mother?" I shout angrily.

"Why does it matter? Instead of saying, 'thank you', you yelled at me and told me you're not and I quote 'the sobbing horny bitch that became a vampire to fuck and the hybrid demon spawn with freaky powers of mind manipulation'."

"All of those things are true but why didn't you tell me?" I demand.

"It wasn't important. It was your birthday and I wanted to get you something that meant something to me. Instead you ruined a good moment and now its over." He looks at me intently.

"Why? Why did you give it to me?" I ask slowly while looking into his eyes.

"Leah."

"Jacob."

"Leah."

"Jacob, we can do this all night but you're going to have to tell me. Why? Why of all people would you give me something that belonged to your mom?"

"Because you remind me of her, okay?" He yells anger his fists clenched tightly.

"What?"

From what I remember before Emily's muffins became talk of the town there Sarah Black's muffins you wanted to eat. I was no way like Sarah she was beautiful, smart and she could cook. I burn things.

"Jacob that's one hell of a compliment. Let's go outside." I said quietly which meant let's get out of hearing range. Jacob rarely brought up his mom so I know he didn't want Edward or any one else hearing this conversation.

"So do you want to talk about it?" He asks once we're out of Edward's range.

"I'm sorry that I said all those things to you when you gave me the necklace." I apologize looking down at the ground between us.

"No you're not." He says chuckling lightly.

"You're right. I meant what I said but I didn't mean to hurt you, Jacob."

"I know. Sometimes you think I only think about myself but I think about you too." He says smiling down at me.

"I," Before I can continue he cuts me off.

"Let me finish. I didn't mean you remind me of my mom in a creepy way but when she was sick she hid it like you do when you're hurting. I rather remember her fighting than just lying down and taking it. The fight in you reminds me of her and you're beautiful too, Leah." He stands there staring down at me and all I can do is stare right back at him.

~End of Flash Back~

One day I was going to be ready to go home. But I knew at this moment I wasn't really ready to forgive what happen to me I just wanted to move on. I don't love Ray the way I love Jacob and I am fine with that. I know our love will grow and then it will be better because when you want something sometimes you have to work at it.

A/N: Thank You to everyone that reviewed.

Some of you that reviewed thought that Sue was being harsh to Leah and Seth. She wasn't in this story Leah doesn't give chances anymore because when she does they end up wrong. So I felt like Sue was being a mother and telling her back off when it's appropriate.

I was Nominated me for a 2009 Twilight Award for best one shot for Twenty Years. If you love me you will vote for me if you don't I understand!

KKJ *best beta* was also nominated for her story Missing You I don't remember what category.

Luci-Marlena was nominated as well.

Now go review and vote!!!