fiveby10eighty3, thank you for your review. I've only been a Casualty fan for about six months - I think I'd seen about five episodes when I posted my first fanfic! I'm really happy you're enjoying this story. There are loads of brilliant stories on this site.

Tanith Panic, I wasn't sure whether to include the baby storyline or not as it's likely to impact on this story a lot and take the focus away from Lily's grief, but it is interesting to see Ethan's family gain a member as Lily's family loses one. Thank you for your review.

CBloom2, Ethan makes me feel all sorts of things! But 'warm inside' is definitely one of them. He's so sweet and caring. It's a shame Ethan and Lily haven't had many scenes together in the episodes as I'm sure Ethan would be very supportive. Thank you for your review.

xMissWhitneyBexx, I'm glad you liked Ethan falling asleep! I don't want Matilda to be too much of a distraction from what you asked me to write, but I wanted to base it in 'reality' as much as possible. Thank you for your review!

Tato Potato, thank you for your review. It is typical of Ethan to worry more about others than himself - it's one of the reasons why we love him! He probably genuinely believes it's more difficult for everyone else than for him and perhaps it is, but that doesn't mean it's easy for him!

Becs2202, thank you for your review. They are good for each other and perhaps we'll see it more in the series now Honey's gone. I thought about ignoring the baby storyline, but I love the baby storyline and I think it's better if Ethan has something going on in his life too.


Alicia came bouncing up to Lily, a smile on her face and her ridiculous pink hair flying. "Morning, Lily!"

"Good morning, Dr Munroe," said Lily coldly and turned away.

To her horror, she felt Alicia's hand on her arm. "Lily, are you okay?"

Lily removed Alicia's hand. "Why would I not be?"

"You don't look very well," said Alicia, concerned. "Either that or you've been crying."

Lily glared at her. She'd applied her make-up carefully and was sure there was nothing to see. "I hope your diagnoses will be more accurate when we start work, Dr Munroe. Otherwise, I am concerned for our patients."

She turned away and pretended to be busy looking through some files, though in reality, she took in nothing. For a moment, she considered going to Connie and saying she was unable to be Alicia's mentor due to her personal problems, but she dismissed the idea at once. Her father would have been ashamed that she'd even considered such a thing.

"Dr Chao," said Alicia. "I know we're mentor and mentee, not friends. But if there is ever something wrong, you know you can talk to me?"

Lily closed the file she was looking at with a snap. "Yes, Alicia. There is something wrong and I will tell you about it."

Alicia smiled encouragingly. "Should we go somewhere more private?"

"No," said Lily. "I have nothing to hide. Dr Munroe, what is wrong is that you are trying to pry into my personal business. I do not find this acceptable behaviour. We have a working relationship but that is all."

Hurt flashed briefly into Alicia's eyes, but then she nodded. "Of course, Dr Chao. I understand."

She moved away and Lily realised Ethan was standing behind them, a concerned look on his tired face. His eyes met Lily's and he went over to her. "Lily, can I have a word?" he said, very quietly.

Lily appreciated his discretion, but she could guess what he was going to say and she didn't want to hear it. She set her lips and tried to look coolly at Ethan – which wasn't easy when he looked so worried about her.

"Please?" said Ethan softly.

Not even Lily Chao could resist a plea like that. Ethan led her away from the nurses' station and into a quiet corner.

"Lily, are you sure you're all right?" he said, still quietly. "I do agree with you that Alicia was perhaps overstepping the boundaries a little bit. She should have accepted that you didn't want to talk and left it at that. But…" He looked adorably helpless. "I don't want to upset you, Lily. Especially not now. But don't you think, perhaps, your reaction to Alicia – although completely understandable, of course – was a little, well, uncalled-for?"

"If it's 'understandable', how can it be 'uncalled-for'?" said Lily.

Ethan smiled a little bit. "Well, there are times when I want to punch Cal and I think anyone who knows how annoying he is would understand . But he really would have to do something terrible in order for me to act on those feelings."

Then his eyes caught Lily's and she knew they were both thinking the same thing: of the time when Ethan had punched Cal… for Lily.

"I didn't punch Alicia," said Lily.

"No, but I think you might have… well… hurt her feelings," said Ethan apologetically.

"If she is easily hurt, she should not be in this job," said Lily.

Ethan looked awkward. "Well, yes: I can see what you mean. But… no. No, I'm sorry. Alicia is your mentee and I shouldn't interfere. All I ask…" He looked at her for a moment.

"Yes?" Lily's voice was almost a whisper.

"All I ask is that you look after yourself, Lily," said Ethan seriously. "Give yourself the same care and consideration that you would give to any colleague in your situation."

Lily lowered her eyes. "I did not show you care and consideration."

"Didn't you?" Ethan looked genuinely confused. "Oh, you mean when my mum… But that was different, Lily. You didn't know what had happened. As far as you knew, I was just an inattentive colleague. You barely knew me: you couldn't even have known it was out of character."

"I really am sorry about that," said Lily in a low voice.

Ethan smiled. "I know you are, Lily. Thank you. Now please don't worry about it anymore. Think about yourself now. And if there's anything I can do, you know where to find me."


It might have been all right if Alicia really had taken the hint – or rather Lily's very clear instruction to leave her alone – but she didn't. At first, she made no further reference to Lily's situation, but Lily caught her on several occasions watching her with a concerned expression on her face. Lily didn't really see how she could object to Alicia's face, though it was annoying her more every time she looked at it, but she became icier and icier in her attempts to convince Alicia that her concern was both unnecessary and unwelcome.

"Are you sure you're okay, Dr Chao?" said Alicia as they left Resus following a successful treatment of anaphylaxis, which Lily knew would look great in Alicia's portfolio because Alicia had said so on five separate occasions.

"Why would I not be all right?" said Lily.

Alicia gave her another concerned look. "How about we take a break now, Lily?"

Lily caught Alicia's arm and swung her to face her. "Dr Munroe. If you want to get anywhere in medicine, you will have to change your attitude. I have noticed this in you before. You don't seem to understand the seriousness of what you're doing. We have dealt with a serious situation and all you can think about is your next break."

"I don't need a break, Lily," said Alicia. "But I think you might. You haven't been yourself all day. You just tried to give the patient corticosteroids for refractory bronchospasm even though you knew from his notes that he was taking anticoagulants. If I hadn't mentioned it-"

"If I want your input, I shall ask for it," said Lily.

Alicia's face was earnest. "I just don't think you'd make those kind of mistakes unless there was something seriously wrong, and if you are making those mistakes, then you're putting the patients at risk."

"Oh, what do you know about anything?" exploded Lily. "You come in here with your smiles and your pink hair, expecting to be friends with everybody. Well, it does not work with me. I find you artificial, irritating and frankly, I don't know how you got through medical school because if you do have an ounce of intelligence, you hide it very well. If you have a problem with my work, then go to Mrs Beauchamp and request a new mentor. Or on second thoughts, perhaps I will do it for you. I wouldn't want to cut into your precious breaktime!"

She stormed away, but as soon as she reached the staff room, she stopped as a wave of shock went over her. She staggered to the nearest seat, relieved to find the staff room empty. She didn't want anyone to walk in and find her trembling from head to foot.

Lily could feel tears rising in her eyes and did her best to fight them back, but they forced their way out between her closed lids and streamed down her cheeks. She buried her face in her hands, her chest aching with every sob. The fact that someone might come in at any moment was no longer a concern. She could think of nothing but the deep ache inside her; the sense of loss; the feeling of having worked her whole life for nothing.

Alicia would complete her portfolio and go on to have the life she dreamed of, but Lily would not.

She could not.