Adam Kadmon
Disclaimer: I don't own Evangelion. But I do own it when people spell it Evagnelion.
Light squirmed into her room past the edges of her blinds. She battled with her perpetual decision to get bigger shades or appreciate how the current fit afforded an effective wakeup call. And she could always pull the blanket over her head to escape the morning sun.
She got the sheets to her nose and stopped. In the hazy moment between reluctant waking and retreating back into slumber her mind narrowed on the real world and her place and duties in it.
Today's the day.
She rolled over and squinted at the clock by her bed. She groaned.
"Kaji-san?" Asuka called out. "Why did you let me sleep through my alarm? I told you I wanted to get up early today, you clod."
She waited under her blanket for him to stroll in and offer his usual half-hearted apology and lame excuse. It was a routine now. He did something dumb and she suffered gracefully for it. It was tiring and far worse than she deserved, but she couldn't very well move out; someone had to keep that man in line.
"Kaji-san! You've yet to grovel for my forgiveness. Stop not shaving and get in here."
He did not get in there. And Hikari envied her for living with such a gorgeous guy. What an idiot.
Asuka dragged herself out of bed. She clawed a few tangles out of her hair and slid her door open with her foot. She entered the living room, a narrow space trisecting the front door, the kitchen, and the short hall with the bedrooms and bathroom. There was no real furnishings outside a couch and TV, both of which Asuka insisted on when she moved in.
"Kaji-san? Are you even here? I hope you don't mind if I pour all your booze down the drain and drop your laptop in the bath."
Obviously not here.
She kicked a video game controller out of her way. It was for a console Kaji gave her when she turned twelve. He claimed it was a "fun way to practice hand-eye coordination at home". Asuka thought it was just an excuse to cover up his own fondness for action and strategy games. At least in those he could pause.
The answering machine by the couch was blinking. Asuka idly hit it as she staggered to the kitchen.
"Kaji, this is Shiro. Please call back."
Asuka rolled her eyes. She liked the Doctor, but he was so uptight. Despite how the situation changed or who he was with, his tone and demeanor never wavered from composed civility. A part of her envied him for it. He was in complete control of his emotions. Even if it was incredibly boring. He did have a bad habit of overstating things when he wanted to get a point across, but he wasn't consciously trying to be pretentious.
"And speaking of bad habits," Asuka grumbled as she reached the kitchen table. She picked up a scrap of paper with Kaji's distinctively lazy scrawl. "'Working late'. I suppose it's a type of work."
'Working late' became a code for her. Kaji had a talent for vanishing hours at a time without any real explanation other than a vague allusion to official NERV business. Which meant it was top secret or he was lying to her.
Being lied to was not an immediate cause for anger; she was used to older people purposefully keeping her out of the loop. It was the underlying rationale for why they did it that was irritating. They thought she was a child and had to protect her from reality. Despite the massive contradiction of training her to pilot a giant war machine while simultaneously coddling her like some normal obliviously naïve kid, it was the fact Kaji, of all people, felt the need to participate in the whole charade. She crumpled the note in her fist.
It was the fourth of the month, meaning Kaji's little girlfriend wasn't on her period. Not that Asuka asked or snooped through Ibuki's purse, but it was simple enough to figure out based on the times and frequency of their 'working late' appointments. Kaji had to be at her place now. It was like they wanted to be found out.
She didn't hate Maya. She was always polite and considerate, but when she commented on how nice Kaji was to take Asuka in like he did, she could see the doubt flicker behind her eyes. That was her initial impression of Maya: insecure. She craved positive reinforcement and defined herself through the outwardly selfless acts she did for others. Obedient and teachable. Like a pet. Asuka wondered if that was why Kaji took her.
Whoever Kaji wanted to sleep with was none of her business, anyway. Even if she didn't think Maya was his type. Asuka only wished he had the courtesy to tell her straightforwardly and treat her like the adult who would soon be piloting to save his ungrateful behind on a regular basis and not his kid sister.
Asuka opened the refrigerator. Like usual it was a desolate tundra of leftovers, instant food and stale soda. She sighed.
"One of us needs to learn how to cook," she grumbled, selecting a half-eaten cup of ramen. She had a brief mental image of coming home from school and finding her guardian at the stove, wearing a pink apron and asking how her day was. She shivered in disgust.
It was just as well he didn't cook and was hardly around. Asuka didn't want some wannabe parental figure hovering over her all the time, coddling her in a desperate attempt to make up for whatever crappy childhood they had. People grew up in crap. People grew old in crap. People lived in crap.
A week passed since the last battle, but Asuka still caught low conversations at NERV about the prodigal yet incredible Third Children. It was like giving an award to a creative mass murderer. As long as it was unexpected and atypical people ate it up. Who cared that he was sloppy, disrespectful and reckless? He was NERV's new poster boy for its intrinsically questionable hiring practices.
He already beat her without any contest. She knew nothing short of killing an Angel by herself blindfolded with one hand would place her above that boy in NERV's collective awareness. He was their darling now; the novice rookie with no training and no military discipline who saved the earth with nothing but willpower and bravery.
And violent mental illness, Asuka thought. Can't forget that.
She reasoned an organization that handled giant robots would naturally be littered with losers retaining traditional otaku mentalities regarding gender and war. So they obviously required some sort of gaudy and overly dramatic display to take notice of anything.
Winning was Asuka's only option. It might not happen immediately, but if she beat Ikari and the First in front of everyone enough times she could claim what was rightfully hers. She had the highest synch rate, she had the most advanced training, she had the best Eva, she was the most skilled pilot. Calling Rei second-rate was charitable and Ikari was a psychotic flash in the pan.
Asuka stabbed at the noodles and the stench of mold slapped her in the face. She threw the cup away.
It was half past eight. She had to shower, dress, and report to NERV by ten. The bath had been suffering from a lack of sustainable hot water for the last few days, but Kaji always forgot to complain to the landlord and he wouldn't take a teenager seriously. She'd have to rough it yet again. Clothes were a lesser concern today, since she'd be changing into her plug suit as soon as she arrived at the base. Her school uniform was definitely not the height of fashion, but it was an easily functional choice when she felt lazy. She hoped the trains were running on time today because she had to be there by ten and it was already half past eight so—
"So stop dawdling. Get it in gear, Asuka."
There was only one chance to wake NERV from its illusory dream. To remind them who was the best. To put the other Children back in their proper places. To kill Angels without any possibility of failure. There was no other choice. She had to win.
"I am Soryu Asuka," she said. "I cannot be defeated."
Filiation
Chapter 4: Aegis
It was sunny. If it wasn't sunny, it was rainy. There was no in-between. Rain was dark. The sun was light. There was no grey. Rei looked up into the blue sky. It was bright.
Sunlight was disgusting. Not the sun itself; that was pure. It was how it illuminated the sick deceitfulness of mankind for her to see. Others blissfully ignored it, but it clawed her eyes open and forced its filth into her. Alone she was content to watch the blanketing sky leisurely fold into night, but her mandatory path and its swarm of humans stole what little satisfaction the act held for her.
The main surface gate to NERV was twenty-six blocks from her apartment complex. The tram three blocks from her apartment could send her four blocks from the gate. She would prefer to walk the entire distance but time was not a luxury, and she needed sleep to revive her body after the tests and training Gendo demanded from her.
The tram was filthy. The maintenance crews took great care to present a superficially polished exterior, all bleached and sterile, but they could not purge the stink of human from it. It was a speeding cage full of the rotting excrement and dying sacks of flesh.
After casting the tram off Rei walked to a security barricade designed to fool the public into seeing it as nothing than yet another industrial site. Inside was the linear cable car that delivered her into the Geofront and NERV proper.
This was her world. Away from the light and dark, into an existence of nothing but grey that shadowed mankind and everything else.
The gate to the pyramidal main base was before her, framed by flat reflective obelisks, some designer's attempt at artistic sophistication. Like everyday Rei passed them without notice. They were needless eyesores.
She reached for the new security card the Akagi woman presented her yesterday and saw Shinji on a bench by the front gate. He stared up at the Geofront's ceiling of diluted orange from the glow of the mirrored sun above. His head lazily turned to her and he stood.
"Ayanami."
"You were waiting here?" Rei asked as he approached her.
"Yeah."
"For me?"
"… yeah."
"Why?" She was surprised, she just didn't care.
"I wanted to see how you were doing," Shinji said, trying to keep his stupid cheeks from getting too red. "I missed a couple days of school after the battle, but I haven't seen you there for awhile. Are you okay?"
"What do you mean?"
"The guy who attacked you that day. Has he bothered you again?"
"No."
"Good." Shinji relaxed a degree. "Why did he do it in the first place?"
"His sister lost a leg during the first Angel attack while I fought. He blamed me."
"Oh." He looked away. "That didn't make him right," he muttered.
Were she another girl Rei might have experienced a small measure of delight knowing he was so concerned and worried. She only felt a nagging frustration with the mask Shinji made himself wear. Rei was certain he was a hate-filled person. He had to be to give her the same feeling as the beast.
"Has he done something to cause you worry?" Rei asked, directing him where she wanted.
"I haven't seen him in school, either." Shinji's body convulsed. "Maybe he's visiting his sister or something." Or piecing his face back together. I actually had to buy new shoes when I couldn't scrub his blood off the old ones. Stop thinking about it.
"Perhaps he is not merely visiting."
He felt his stomach lurch and then contract into a knot. He pleaded with her not to continue. He never should have waited for her.
"I… I—" I didn't mean to do that. I don't think I meant to do that. I don't think I wanted to do that. "A-about what—"
"Well, well, well," a clipped voice coasted down the pathway. Asuka approached the pair with a heavy foot. "Getting awfully cozy, aren't we? I expected you to have a little more taste than this, First."
"Soryu," Rei acknowledged, keeping her eyes on Shinji as he shrank back from the new arrival.
"I don't care if you think you're high and mighty now," Asuka said, making a beeline for the boy, "but don't think you can just waltz up to people and hit on them. You're worse than Kaji-san." She glared at him as he kept his eyes on his feet. "What are you, stupid? Look at me when I'm talking to you."
"I wasn't hitting on Ayanami." He glanced up to somewhere near her nose. His fingers twisted into fists. "I was just worried, alright?"
"How sweet. Aren't you just the perfect little gentleman. How can you pretend to be all polite and boring one minute then go foaming-at-the-mouth crazy the next? This schizoid routine makes us all look bad. We're pilots. We need to act with at least a modicum of discipline." She scoffed. "Have a little dignity."
He took a short, full look at her. Her hair was cascading down her shoulders like a stream of blood.
"Why are you giving me such a hard time? Do you like her?" There was no venom in his words; it was just a question. If the girl liked Rei he had a real reason to back off.
Asuka slapped him hard enough to send him stumbling back a step.
"You pervert! Why do all boys think with their dicks? I don't 'like' blue over there. I don't even like her. But she's a lot more tolerable than you. You stroll in here, make a big pissy scene with your dad, then decide to pilot anyway and everybody acts like it's the most heroic thing ever."
Asuka kept talking but Rei was done listening. She watched Shinji wilt after the slap. There was nothing more to gain from this save a headache from Soryu and irritation from Ikari. Rei turned and left.
Their squabble crawled on then abruptly stopped as Rei passed through the shuttered gates into NERV. The lifts descending to Central Dogma were in sight when she heard the gates open again. She momentarily desired the mental weakness to utter a groan.
"First."
She slowed enough to allow Asuka to catch her, who gave her an appraising glance. They stepped onto the escalator.
"What was he so 'worried' about? Boys like him only worry about how to feel up a gullible girl."
"I do not know why he was concerned," Rei answered. Truthfully, she didn't. Suzahara was no threat. If he confronted her again she would disable him. He no longer possessed the element of surprise. Since he was a pilot candidate he needed to live, but with his prior assault as a viable excuse she could do anything to him short of murder. Though it would be far more gratifying to let Ikari take him again.
"Then why didn't you tell him to buzz off?" Asuka cringed. "Oh God do not tell me you like him."
"Why would you care?"
"If you two are getting lovey-dovey then when we're all fighting you'll place priority over each other. I don't want you two screwing up a battle plan because of some horrendously erroneous lapse of hormonal restraint." She shook her head in disgust. "Any emotional attachment can be a liability. I thought you'd know that."
"I know."
"Yeah, I guess you would." Asuka glanced over her shoulder and snorted softly as Shinji stepped onto the lift. "Puppy boy is following us like a, well, puppy."
"He is scheduled to attend today's meeting as well."
"Oh, yeah. Whoopee. Unit-02 is finally finished. Let's throw a bureaucratic orgy." She flicked a willful bang out of her eyes. "I mean, I'm obviously glad, but all this pomp won't mean anything until I get to use my Eva for what it was made to do. I don't want to celebrate until I have a real reason to. Not that I'm adverse to a party in my honor…"
She trailed off, looking bored with the conversation. She stared blankly at the ceiling as it slipped behind her.
But it'll only remind me that I haven't done anything yet, she thought. They have to know exactly what they're honoring or it'll be a waste.
Today was just another test, she told herself. Just another test in an endless line of tests stretching behind and before her, from birth to death. Just one more, so it was nothing to worry about. Because she wasn't worried.
Asuka checked her watch.
"It's time," she whispered.
It's about time.
She was in her armor. The invincible shield that gave her command and protection over all things. It hummed around her with the promise of power. Strength of colossi rushed through her until she felt her body lighten and expand outward to fill the armor up, making it her skin and muscle. She was a giant now, a titan. A god.
"Unit-02 has successfully activated," Maya announced from the bridge. She sounded relieved.
"Of course it was successful," Asuka breathed in her plug. She wound her hands around the controls and waited out the remainder of the test.
Most of the chatter from the control room was technical specifics she knew by heart. It was just like the simulation start-ups, but she didn't want any possible mistakes. All that remained before Unit-02 was hers and hers alone was for NERV's crew to satisfy their paranoia and produce the trust she earned from them long ago.
She shut her eyes to focus, commanding Unit-02's submission to her will, for its senses to augment her own. It was the same way she achieved her synch scores and her simulation rankings. The Eva was a puppet and her mind held its strings.
"Synchronization holding at sixty-one percent," Maya said.
Asuka told herself it was acceptable. Not her highest, but the anxiety and apprehension from all the cowards watching her with strained bladders were creeping into her like a vicious infection.
Her concentration faltered further as tense voices buzzed over the tactical network.
"Observation post thirty-one has sighted an unidentified object heading directly towards Tokyo-3," Aoba reported.
"It is probably the next Angel."
"The UN has already backed off."
"Scramble Unit-01. Prep Unit-00 and have Rei on backup, just in case. Let's—"
"Send me out," Asuka said. "I'm ready." There was a brief pause over the line. She forced her impatience back down. "You need all the help you can get. You can't expect the Third to do everything."
"Unit-02 is completely operational," Maya said hesitantly. "All readings satisfactory. No problems detected."
"Launch Units -01 and -02," Kaji ordered.
Asuka felt the heavy thump of Unit-02's cage being converted to allow her passage to the launch pads. The umbilical bridge and surrounding gantries slid below her as the Eva was lifted on an elevator platform towards the transport dock. Her hands clung to the control handles to keep from shaking.
"Asuka will take point," Kaji said over the comm. "Shinji-kun, take up position behind her at the fourteenth weapons elevator. Be ready to cover her if she needs to get out of there. Understood?"
"Roger," Shinji said from Unit-01.
"Understood?" Kaji said again after waiting several seconds. "Asuka?"
"Yeah," she muttered. "I got it." She cut active communication from Unit-02.
Is she nervous? Shinji thought. Maybe scared? This is her first battle.
"Soryu? Are—"
"Don't distract me," she said. Her voice was calm and placid. He never heard her like that.
He realized saying anything more might invite her usual demeanor towards his existing near her and he shut his mouth. Shinji closed the window between them and patched into the camera array dispersed throughout the city. He zoomed in on the Angel.
"These things look dumber every time." This was as far from what he thought giant mysterious invaders were supposed to look like. They should be menacing and scary. They shouldn't be innocuous floating blue diamonds.
The Captain gave the order to launch and they rocketed up below the open sky. Sunlight crashed down on him and Shinji stepped back behind an industrial complex to circle around the Angel while keeping Asuka in his sight. He saw her Eva wobble against the lift restraints after the force of the elevator. Shinji moved to select a rifle from a nearby weapon locker.
He heard a commotion from the bridge and then their voices were drowned by some kind of alarm. He looked back at Unit-02.
"Asuka, get out of there!" Kaji yelled.
Unit-02 bowed forward to move before the Captain finished speaking. The Angel's front point flickered to life and expanded into shining radiance. The Eva finished placing its weight on its bent knee, still on the lift pad. The light of the Angel erupted into a beam.
She had time to look up to see a flashing star brighter than the sun devour the sky until it blanketed her entire vision.
"Asuka!"
A crushing stake of boiling fire skewered her chest, pulling her whole body through the wound until she burst apart on the other side. Her breath exploded out from her lungs in a howl of agony. Her vision burned red to grey and her head twisted and fell from nerve-scorching inferno to a bottomless numb void of absolute shadow.
"Unit-02's back in the Geofront," Maya said.
"Asuka!?" Kaji ordered as the situation crumbled around him.
"She's safe. Unconscious, but alive."
"Unit-01? Shinji-kun?"
The Captain looked up at the main screen. Shinji spun out from his cover behind the weapon transport as Asuka started screaming and fired, three rounds smashing into the Angel before it ceased its beam. The next rifle burst struck an AT-Field and deflected wildly, spraying the surrounding buildings and showering the streets with metal and glass.
"Shinji-kun," Shiro said, seeing Maya's monitor displaying another power surge from the Angel, "move."
The diamond's front edge sparked and Unit-01 fell to its left behind a squat building. The beam sliced past Shinji, gouging the adjoining city under a swathe of white fire. Unit-01 rose to a crouch, covered by fiery smoke belching up from the crater beside it.
"Fall back," Kaji ordered with calm authority. "Retreat to the elevator at point twenty-six."
"How?"
"Use the intercept system. Give him some cover."
The buildings fencing the Angel opened and poured out missiles and exploding rounds. All fell harmlessly against its AT Field as it advanced on Unit-01 without slowing.
"It's ignoring the defenses," Hyuga said. "It's going after Shinji-kun."
"Power spike," Maya said. "It's going to fire again."
"Shinji-kun—"
"Damn it."
Unit-01 hurled its rifle out from its cover. The Angel fired, incinerating the gun, and Shinji sprinted away. He slid onto the lift and dug his fingers into it to halt his momentum. Kaji gave the order to retrieve him and the ground beneath the Eva parted like a mouth to swallow him. As Shinji sank into the earth the last thing he saw was the Angel hanging in the bright blue sky, the sun flashing off its edges like fire.
"Hey there. I haven't seen you around here before. What's your name?"
Soryu Asuka.
"What's a kid like you doing in a place like this?"
I'm not a kid. I'm the Second Children.
"Well, well. The famous Second Children."
That's right. I am famous.
"You certainly are. I've watched your training simulations and read over your testing reports. They're very impressive."
I know.
"The methodology you display befits someone much older, with a lot of battle experience. Though following standard operating procedures too closely can be costly in our business."
Who are you?
"I'm Captain Ryouji Kaji. Pleased to meet you, Soryu Asuka."
Captain. You're NERV's new operations director.
"Does that bother you?"
You're too young.
And he laughed, and told her age is less relevant than it traditionally was before the Impact. Eighty or eight, if you got the job done you did it. Besides, he said with a grin, no one's raising any arguments about ten-year-old girls piloting giant humanoid war machines.
It doesn't matter if I'm a girl.
Does it matter if Rei is?
She's not a girl. She's barely a human.
Yes, sir. Yes, ma'am. Affirmative. Understood. Carrying out your orders. Engaging the enemy. Falling back. Yes, sir. Yes, sir, Commander.
No, father. I won't do it no matter what you say. I'm ready. Stop it. I'm sorry. I wasn't hitting on her. Do you like her? I was just worried. Okay? Father?
Mother?
die with me.
Shut up, you stupid barren cow. Can't you do anything right? You can't make your husband happy, you can't take care of yourself, you can't even kill the right fucking child. I didn't have a father and I sure as hell don't need a mother. I have my Eva, and I have Kaji-san to look after me, and I have Dr. Katsuragi to talk to me, and I have stupid Rei and crazy Shinji to get beaten by me. I don't need anyone to mistake me for a goddamn doll. So you can just go ahead and die. You can go ahead and
"Die."
"Oh. You're finally awake."
Asuka opened her eyes. She was in a bed staring up at a white ceiling. She looked to her right and saw Dr. Akagi leisurely checking over a health monitor. Cords snaked from it up to the bed and under the sheets. Asuka felt cold patches of sticky plastic on her skin.
"You've been sleeping for six hours."
"The Angel's still alive," she said slowly, practicing her voice.
"Yes," Naoko said. "The positron beam it fired at you was stronger than anything we've ever seen. We had no idea it had something like that at its disposal."
"Where's Unit-02?"
"In stasis. The damage it sustained was extensive; the beam melted straight through the first five armor layers in six seconds. It's a miracle it didn't cut right into the plug. If it was Unit-01 or -00 out there, it would be a different story."
"Stasis?" Asuka repeated. She tried to keep her eyes open.
"The Angel produced a drill and is currently boring into the Geofront. We have about thirteen hours until it penetrates the ceiling and attacks headquarters directly. We don't have time to repair Unit-02 before that happens."
"Then we're dead."
"Not quite," Naoko said, clearing her throat at the girl's passive tone. "The Captain devised a plan that the MAGI gave the highest chance of succeeding. It's a calculated risk, but given the circumstances it's the best we can do."
Asuka stared at the ceiling. She listened to the steady electric chime of the life support monitors reading her pulse. It was like a metronome, leisurely checking off the seconds of her life. It reminded her of Unit-02's constant electric heartbeat, the surge of power throbbing in time with her own.
"What's the plan?" she asked.
"You don't need to worry about that," Naoko said. "You should rest. Shinji-kun and Rei will take care of everything. Just go to sleep."
"Just go to sleep." It's all I ever do.
Her eyelids grew heavy, chains dragging them down and trapping her sight.
I wonder if it feels like you're falling asleep when you die.
Asuka let her eyes slip shut and darkness enveloped her.
"Late night, sir?" Hyuga asked his captain as he tried to hide a yawn behind his hand.
"It's the day catching up with me," Kaji said, leaning against the tech's console on the command bridge. The rest of the crew was gone; Aoba was dealing with the engineering department's representatives, the Commanders were simply not there, and Maya was on a ten-minute lunch break.
Damn girl, he thought. Last night was a waste of time. I didn't get anything important out of her about Akagi or any specifics on that dummy system project of hers. Unless I count Maya's aversion to anything even remotely seen as anal as important. It was just my finger, for God's sake.
"There certainly has been a lot of excitement today."
"I'll take the unexciting days anytime." Kaji rubbed his eyes awake. "How's the rifle coming along?"
"Ahead of schedule, sir. At this rate we'll have a full thirty-two minutes between the final safety checks and when the Angel breaks through the Geofront."
"Somehow that still doesn't fill me with confidence."
"Sir?"
"Sorry. It's kind of a laugh so you don't cry scenario. I'd rather not be weeping like a baby when an Angel kills me."
"Um, sir?" Hyuga shifted in his seat. "Maybe you shouldn't say things like that out loud. It isn't good for morale to hear the higher-up who made this plan openly doubting it."
"But everyone's thinking it, right?" Kaji pushed off from the console. "Besides, even though I'm not the one pulling it off, I still drew up the attack."
"So you're saying if it fails we can blame you?"
"Won't you anyway?"
Kaji left the bridge with a wave over his shoulder. With the Angel immobile but impregnable and all the preparatory work delegated to his subordinates, Kaji had little to do except oversee the progress of the varying factors. And he could entrust his team to keep an eye on those, then give him updates and reports on any changes. Kaji knew they wouldn't appreciate him micromanaging their every action. That, and he wanted a few quiet moments to smoke.
He headed to the exterior perimeter of the base, choosing the path by the vending machine walls outside Central Dogma to grab a coffee on the way. NERV's brand made him gag and wake up. A good office coffee.
He crested the last corridor and spotted the edge of a vending machine jutting out from the wall, and stopped. He heard Shiro's voice, drifting like an impassive breeze.
"That diversion was clever. I doubt anyone on the bridge would have thought of it."
"I wasn't thinking," Shinji said. He was on a bench in his plug suit, an unopened can of soda clutched in his hands between his knees. He sounded tired. "I just wanted to get out of there. There's nothing clever about it." He scratched his arm. "How's Soryu? Everyone I ask says not to worry and focus on the next fight."
"So you are worried about her?"
"Not really. It just sounded like it really hurt. I know what it's like."
"She's alive," Shiro said. "It'll take time for her to recover and NERV to repair Unit-02, but things will be close enough to normal again soon." He looked down as he readjusted his cane. "Asuka's wanted to pilot in actual combat conditions for some time."
"Why? It sucks."
"If you worked your whole life to reach one goal that would justify that life, and you failed at it, how would you feel?"
"It would make me angry." Shinji carefully set his drink down and stared up at the man. "It would mean I was wrong to base my entire existence on one thing. I was wrong and life will go on without my dream like it always does. I know what that's like, too. Because you made me feel it."
"… you don't sound very angry," Shiro said, already regretting the way he led the conversation.
"I am. But that doesn't mean it's a bad thing." He stood. "You gave me something else to justify my existence. Until I fail at being angry at you and everyone else for ruining my mother, I'll be fine."
Shinji left without looking back and nearly collided with Kaji as he strolled down the hall.
"Hey there," the Captain said with a wave. The boy did not slow and stalked past him. He shook his head and exhaled as he approached Shiro. "Why are you trying so hard with that kid?"
"Because he needs it," Shiro said.
"I shouldn't have asked." Kaji took Shinji's seat and stretched his legs out. He sighed. "Speaking of teen angst… not how I hoped Asuka's first sortie would turn out."
"You regret putting her on point?"
"Hindsight is always twenty-twenty. She has the highest synch rate and the most intense training, and although she lacks Shinji-kun's battle experience…" Kaji shrugged. "The real world has a way of mucking up the most logical plan."
"Understated like a true NERV officer," Shiro said. "So you decided to challenge that and favor the illogical. You came up with this new strategy rather quickly."
"Even I surprise myself sometimes. I'm more surprised the Commanders approved it without any hesitation. Really puts the pressure on me."
"You're talking like there were a lot of options. With Unit-00 still not fully repaired this is your best bet."
"I guess," Kaji said. "Comfort me again and assure me you and Akagi are positive about the data."
"We used the MAGI's imaging capabilities to determine the Angel's drill shaft is hollow. It contains a complex system of recharging circuits that keep the actual drill from losing power no matter how far it is from the energy source, the Angel. But the circuits themselves are necessarily thin to allow such a long passage of energy. So theoretically if we fire a positron beam strong enough up through the drill shaft it will penetrate the circuits to the directly Angel and destroy it."
"You sure do like to talk."
"You're the one who asked for an explanation."
"Yeah." Kaji peered at him and frowned. "You seem awfully chipper today. How unlike you."
"A human's mood can change like the winds." Shiro smiled without humor. "Can't I present a mask of optimism once in a while?"
"No. It's creepy. Don't do it again." He closed his eyes and massaged the bridge of his nose in fatigue. "Sorry. Just looking forward to my reunion with the princess. Akagi told me woke up a few hours ago, but just for a few minutes. I think she's been asleep since." He kept his eyes closed.
"Why did you decide to put her on point? Really?"
"It was a tactical decision," Kaji said. He kept his eyes shut. "It's pointless to regret it. War can be unpredictable."
What you mean to say, Shiro thought, is that Asuka was nothing but cover for Shinji-kun. She gave you the option of safeguarding the most experienced pilot and you took it, turning her into cannon fodder. I can't say I wouldn't do the same.
He was smart enough not to even hint at that truth with the girl. Her probable reaction again made Shiro bemoan the reality of needing teenagers to pilot the most powerful constructs in human history. Sometimes NERV was a little too shortsighted.
"Who needs Angels," Kaji said. He picked up Shinji's soda and turned it in his palm. "We do just fine on our own."
Shinji looked out over the Geofront from the gantry holding Unit-01. Vehicles and crews scurried over the landscape like ants, frantically setting up the positron rifle he was manning in a few minutes.
Twenty, he told himself, glancing down at the digital clock planted on plug suit's hand. The plan was simple enough for him to understand it was a last-ditch effort. If this was what they were going with, it had to be the best NERV could do.
The noise of construction drifted to him, blunted by distance. It was dark in the Geofront. The congregation of mirrors jutting from its ceiling gorged on the moon's hazy light and spat it out over him. It even felt like night. The air was chill and brisk, the atmospheric control systems attempting to grant NERV's employees a degree of reality stolen from the world above their heads.
Shinji checked his clock again. Seventeen minutes left. He leaned back, supporting his body up with his hands.
He glanced beside him to the bridge connecting Unit-01's cage and the scaffolding that led to the makeshift control center. Rei sat by the rail, arms folded around knees drawn up to her chest. She was there when he arrived after his final briefing, watching the construction without any real interest. Shinji thought she looked incredibly frail in her plug suit.
She had not spoken to him, and he had not spoken to her. He was jealous of her calm, unflappable demeanor, and wished to absorb it for a while longer. But although silence was something he was learning to relish, sitting in stillness with another person always made him nervous, as if it proved they didn't want to be near him.
"Ayanami," he said. "I'm surprised they're making you fight, too. I didn't think they finished repairing Unit-00 yet."
"They did not. Unit-00 is not fully functional, but it is mobile."
"Oh." He shook his head. 'Mobile'? That means if I miss we'll both probably die. No one at NERV can see past their nose. He looked up at Unit-01's profile. Its shuttered mouth smiled back at him.
Shinji checked his watch. Eleven minutes before the battle. He suppressed the shiver gnawing on his spine. Synch tests were fine, even if they were numbingly tedious. But being inside the Evangelion was different. He lost himself, his body and mind distending until they were wrapped by the Eva. Then it was like there were two Shinjis, two bodies and minds, each thinking almost simultaneously.
He charted his synchronization rate closely, not for any sense of accomplishment, but to validate his feelings; the higher his synch rose, the closer the two voices spoke and the quicker the two bodies acted together. He wondered what would happen when the two sets performed as one.
He looked at his watch again. Ten minutes.
He knew the mission. As soon as the Angel's drill penetrated the Geofront he was to fire the positron rifle straight up into it, hopefully destroying it and the enemy in a single shot. If he failed or the Angel counterattacked Rei would protect him and the rifle with some kind of shield NERV built on the spot alongside the gun.
The adults knew the odds were questionable enough not to tell him the odds. He knew he might die. He didn't mind thinking about that. He didn't want to think about dying inside the Evangelion. He imagined it would be like getting digested.
"The computers are going to do all the aiming, right?" he asked to distract his thoughts.
"Correct," Rei said. "All you need to do is pull the trigger."
"Why do they need us at all?" Shinji wondered aloud. "Can't they just program the gun to fire on its own?"
"The rifle emits powerful energy waves once activated. NERV did not have the necessary time to craft a firing mechanism that would be shielded. Thus, the Evangelion is needed. Its armor is a high-density alloy that will protect the pilot from the waves, allowing you to fire safely." Rei glanced at him and saw his face of subdued surprise. "What is it?"
"Nothing. Sorry." She's awfully chatty today. She's weird, but at least she doesn't yell at me. And she's not ignoring me anymore. "I wonder if Soryu is okay," he said.
"She is alive."
"I meant, I wonder if she's upset with what happened to her. Dr. Katsuragi told me she wanted to pilot for a long time."
"She will be displeased," Rei said. She looked at him out of the corner of her eye. "It would not be wise to speak to her about it."
"How come?"
"She will not enjoy knowing you took her place against the Angel."
"Oh." Shinji laughed silently once. "You know her pretty well, huh?" He flinched back as she turned to face him fully. "I mean, you two are sort of, well, not friends but kind of close, right? I thought you were in NERV with each other for a while."
"I would not refer to Soryu as a friend, nor would she think of me as one. We are both pilots. That is all."
Shinji's quiet fantasy of sharing a friendly or otherwise close relationship with the other Children again died. He hoped it stayed dead this time. The pathetic need to wish for companionship of some sort was a chronic cancer. It just kept coming back.
"That's all," he repeated to himself. He glanced down. His watch told him he had three minutes to remain himself.
How disappointing.
Rei watched from her standby position inside the partially repaired Unit-00 as NERV assembly crews began dismantling the positron rifle for storage. She scanned the site, shifting her eyes to Unit-01, already aiding the operation.
The battle was unacceptable. Rei was positioned behind Unit-01, ready to stagger ahead and defend it and the rifle if the Angel was able to retaliate.
The drill breached the Geofront, Shinji fired, the discharge shattered the shaft and annihilated the Angel. The battle ended and Rei was empty again. Given the plan she knew there was little chance for actual combat. She never knew lust, but the thirst for Shinji to show her his true face and satisfy her desires now sustained her. It was absolute and commanding; she needed it.
She failed this time. With such a weak Angel and NERV's determination to survive by the most cowardly means possible she had no opportunity. But the attacks would not stop with this. The Commander's comprehensive preparations, the NERV branches littered over the globe, the construction of more Evangelion units; all were proof of future chances. It was encouraging and frustrating.
Ikari's insistence on behaving like a socially acceptable human being further upset her efforts. If he insisted on this self-deception, she would have to find a way to use it to her advantage. The only thing of value Gendo ever taught her was that any obstacle could be broken given the right opportunity and preparations. Through study and rational calculation a human became little more than a mean to attain a desire.
Rei was aware what Dr. Katsuragi told the Third through careful observation of the commanders, mostly the Sub-Commander. Gendo was indifferent to the grievous breach in security, treating it like a minor coffee shortage in the cafeteria. It only reinforced the man's early lessons; exploitation led to fulfillment and realization of a sense of self. A father using a child, or a child using a memory.
Shinji's impetus to reap blood was simple enough. First for his mother. Then for her. Then for his own life, to preserve his mother. They were all connected. If something he wanted to keep was threatened with death only then his hate emerged free from the stifling bonds of human conscience.
A mother beast in the wild fought tooth and nail to safeguard her brood, even at the expense of her life. A child beast in man's world hewed anything in its path to preserve the empty womb it burst from, to defend its fantasy of possessing a connection with normal humans.
That was who Ikari saw, Rei thought. His imagined mother. A talisman to give him purpose. A perpetual justification to carry out any action.
All she had to do was replace his justification with one she could easily control, and then discard it entirely when the time was right. Rei had to rid him of the reliance on his pretext of guardianship, and grant him the beauty of his true face. Grant him the prize of wearing it forever beyond the pretense of man-made human conscience.
He needed a shield until he accepted his true self. Something to defend him while his teeth and claws fought to be released.
My orders are to guard you, she thought. Of course I must obey.
Her toes curled in her suit.
"I will protect you…" Rei said.
Until you are free. You will not die. I will not allow it. My beast will not die.
"… as I was commanded to."
Because my beast cannot die. Because
You are mine.
End of chapter 4
Author notes: Asuka is getting a bad rap, isn't she? Admittedly she has taken a backseat so her appearances make her look bitchy, but she'll be a bit more prominent in later chapters.
OMAKE
"I just wanted to see how you were doing," Shinji said, trying to keep his stupid cheeks from getting too red. That's like Shinji trying to keep from being a pervert: impossible. "Are you okay?"
"What do you mean?" Rei asked.
"The guy who attacked you that day. Has he bothered you again?"
"Yes," she said.
"He has!? What did he do!?"
"He…" She tried to think of something that would make him truly pissed. "He talked smack about your mama."
"What?"
"He said your mama was like Unit-01; she needs a teenager inside her to function."
"Son of a bitch!" Shinji roared. He began stalking away, but stopped after a few steps. He sighed and the fury drained from him. "Actually, I guess I don't have any right to get mad. I really don't know anything about my mother. It's entirely possible she was a nympho pedophile."
"You're not angry?" Rei asked.
"Of course I am, but I shouldn't kill anyone for saying something appalling about a person I never knew." He shrugged. "Well, I guess I'll go angst for a while. See you later, Ayanami."
Fuck, Rei thought.
"Wait." She paused until he stopped and turned to her. "He also… struck me?"
"… he did what?" Shinji whispered as his face went lax and his eyes glossed over.
"Yes. He struck me. Hard. It hurt. I believe I may have cried. He is a bad person. Because he struck me. Hard."
"Oh he did, did he?"
Shinji strode away carrying death in his hands.
"Score," Rei said. She ran after him.
She followed Shinji until he hunted Toji down to a rundown porno shop owned by a dangerous sex offender who didn't card.
"Alright," Toji said, hefting five garbage bags full of new purchases. "Time to go home and romance my right hand, since that's the only conscious or living thing that will ever touch my cock."
Shinji caught him as he was deciding which H film to watch first, Futa Furries 7 or Jugs 'n Rugs.
"I am going to painfully murder you."
"Huh?" Toji intelligently asked. "Hey, it's that effeminate kid who kicked the shit out of me. What are you doing here?"
"I… I just told you." Shinji sighed as total incomprehension met him. "Forget it. Time to berserk your ass."
He rushed forward and speared the jock's left eye with his thumb. As a result, he dropped his porn.
"No!" Toji cried. "My porn! Also, my eye!"
The maiming continued, achieving an unexpected sense of poetic brutality. Let's just say Toji won't need to buy porn ever again.
When Shinji began pummeling the boy with his own severed leg, Rei broke her silence, unable to contain her rapturous pleasure any longer.
"Ikari-kun, you stallion!" she cheered in ecstasy as she tore her shirt off. "Take me! Take me now!"
"Take you where?" Shinji asked, regaining lucidity as his single-minded bloodlust faded.
"… never mind. Sigh."
