Chapter 4: Easing the Pain
Byakuya woke to find that he had been moved to a soft, comfortable bed, somewhere within the palace and he couldn't help but be somewhat bolstered by the fact that if the king truly had no feelings for him, he simply would have left him lying on the floor in the room he had been in when the last mating had occurred. So the king did have some basic concern for his welfare, most likely because of their interdependence…not true affection. It wasn't much, but it was something.
He started to get up, but felt a pain move through his midsection and paused for a moment, breathing calmly through the sensation until it eased and he could move again. He was certain now that the process was working, because he felt power forming inside him. He knew better than to use any of it. To do so would be to steal power and life from the developing king. His job was simply to carry the rendered reiatsu and to allow his body to stabilize it so that it could later emerge and take the form of the new king. Still, it was a small comfort to not feel quite so empty.
He climbed to his feet and resumed his slow, methodical exploration of his new surroundings, sighing at how it reminded him of the large, impressive homes of some of the nobles. His own manor was much less grandiose. It had never been the way of the Kuchiki family to pour their finances into markings of splendor. The house itself at Kuchiki Manor was large and it was elegantly furnished, but unlike the palace, his manor was more about physical and spiritual comfort than about displays of wealth. What gave Kuchiki Manor its unique beauty was the large garden and the forested areas…and the lake and meadow areas beyond. The simple truth being that nature provided a great deal of beauty and one didn't need to augment it with displays of material wealth. It wasn't, he realized, the most popular viewpoint among noble families, but in addition to walking their own path in life, the Kuchiki nobles were resolved not to allow others to interfere with the estimation of self-worth, and it wasn't the having of wealth that was important anyway. It was taking what was given and using it in proper ways, to support the well being of the society that honored them, to improve what they could, while realizing that they were not in control of everything and to pave the way for their children and their children's children.
Byakuya sighed softly as he considered how he had never really thought before about what it would be like to have children. It probably wasn't important now, as the life he was beginning to feel growing inside him was not his own child. And despite carrying it, he would have no part in the new king's future. Once that life entered the world, his usefulness here would end and he would be returned to the Seireitei to resume the life he had left. And while that was a light at the end of this dark tunnel, he couldn't help but wonder how he would resume his life…emptied of the king's reiatsu, and removed from this place…Would he be able to forget and move on?
He realized that was a dangerous line of thinking and abandoned it
He focused instead on making himself familiar with the endless rooms and hallways of the palace. He would never in his life have another opportunity to experience it this way, so it made sense to be thorough in his exploration.
There was one room in particular that he was seeking with purpose. As much as the Kuchiki's were charged with the other duties given to the nobles by the Spirit King, they also served as the vault for knowledge and history in the Seireitei. The archive at Kuchiki Manor was second only to the one that existed somewhere in this place. If he was going to be trapped within the palace and in need of distraction, the library would be the greatest comfort to him. He was an avid reader, both of the drier historical texts and the livelier recreational outpourings of myth and legend. He especially loved the myths relating to the stars and marveled how, wherever he went, different groups of people…shinigami…human…hollow, all had their own understanding of those calm lights that lit their skies at night. The tales were many and so varied that even in the time he had been clan leader, he hadn't made a dent in the mythical writings there. But those, he could peruse at his own pace. As he would never return here, it would be enjoyable…breathtaking even to see what treasures this library held.
He had just spotted the library when the king appeared suddenly in front of him. Suddenly, his thoughts scattered and the darkness inside began to return. He wondered at himself for allowing such dark feeling to hold him so tightly, so tightly that the mere sight of this other could send everything plunging into the abyss. But then, there was only one reason that the king had for seeking him out.
And suddenly, he didn't want to exist for only that reason. For some reason, he wanted his existence here to have more meaning than that. It was stupid of him to think that way, of course. What more meaning could his life have than saving the colliding worlds? What greater purpose could a noble life have than bringing forth the next king? This was a relatively short period of his life, considering…so it wasn't so much to ask that he stay here and give himself unselfishly to this task.
But he had never for a moment thought that something like this would be asked of him. He knew he was unique among the nobles for being chosen to do this. It was an honor. And so being, it was something he shouldn't shrink from.
But as that strong hand settled around his wrist…as he was taken down onto the floor, somehow the honor seemed lost. He caught himself holding his breath again and released it, trying to ignore the sudden revulsion he felt at the touch of those hands, at the glare of the golden eyes he refused to meet. He swallowed hard and turned his head aside, trying to focus on the sight of the library, only steps away and waiting for him to explore it.
He had almost made peace with what was happening, had almost disappeared into thoughts of the library, when all at once a hand took hold of his face and turned his eyes to meet the golden eyes of the king. As their eyes met, the king began to enter him. And suddenly all thought fled except one.
I cannot do this.
And before he knew what was happening, he was struggling against the hands that held him down, pushing forcefully at the body that held his trapped. He twisted and started to pull free, then felt a flash of the king's power and dropped to the floor unable to move. He waited for the king to admonish him for the way he had reacted, but he merely turned back to preparing, moving into position, sinking into Byakuya's immobilized body again. The one comfort he had left was that he could move enough to close his eyes. And this time, the king did not try to force him to make eye contact.
He couldn't do that. He couldn't look into the king's eyes while they were together like that. Because when he looked into the king's eyes, he still saw Renji. But Renji had ceased to exist when they arrived and he wouldn't return until their work here was done. So he closed his eyes and let his mind wander back to thoughts of the worlds and their mythologies, of pages and pages of shining heroes and beautiful heroines who fought their enemies with valiant hearts and whose lives actually meant something.
He realized suddenly that the king had stopped moving and he opened his eyes. The golden eyes were looking down at his face and one hand reached out and touched his cheek. It sent a chill through him, but he knew struggle was useless, so he laid quietly, wondering when the king would leave him…when he could go and bury himself in the books that were only steps away, waiting to ease his pain. He was not only unprepared when the king spoke to him, he was wholly unprepared for the question.
"Why are you crying?"
He hadn't even realized…
But he was. The king's fingers were wet where they had touched him and he could feel now that he was shaking and that more tears were falling. But how could he explain it? This powerful, cold being couldn't possibly understand, because if he did then he would never be doing what he was doing.
"I asked you why you are crying."
He didn't trust his voice, so he merely looked up into the deep golden eyes and forced his body to calm, forced the tears to stop. He freed a hand and brushed them away, then summoned the strength forced into him by the years of his grandfather's teachings. This was his king, his superior. It didn't matter at all that he looked like Renji. It didn't matter how Byakuya felt about what was happening. What mattered was his obedience.
"I am sorry. Please continue."
The words were unbearable, but they were also necessary. And as much as he hated what was happening, the alternative to this was the end of all things. It wasn't, he told himself again, so much of a sacrifice. The noble families were sworn to serve the king. And the king could ask anything of any of them at any time. All nobles knew this. This is what his king had asked of him and it was his duty to act accordingly. He looked up into the golden eyes, waiting. They stared back at him with something approaching curiosity. Then, a warm palm settled onto his cheek.
"I want to understand why you are in pain," the king said, "You agreed to be my Consort, did you not?"
"I did."
"And you knew what would be expected when you made that choice, did you not?"
"I knew."
"And I have done nothing to cause you injury?"
"No."
"And I have been gentle with you."
"Yes."
"Then why are you in such pain?"
He knew better than to deny it. It was a useless lie when faced with the fact that the king was quite capable of seeing through any deception.
"Although I know this is important, my heart is not in this."
"So while your mind is resolved and your body compliant, your heart is resistant."
"Yes."
"And this is what caused you to shed tears?"
Could he really not understand?
"Yes…On occasion, the body will weaken…will surrender to the will of the heart…and tears will fall. I apologize for my weakness in allowing that to happen."
The golden eyes continue to look down into his curiously.
"I do not understand matters of the heart. My task is to provide the new king's power. It is your job to give the new king his heart and conscience."
"What?"
"You mean to say that you do not understand why you are here?"
Byakuya stared.
"I am here to assist in the birth of the new king."
"That is not the whole of your mission."
"I am to receive the rendered reiatsu and my body will stabilize it. Once I am filled and it has stabilized, the new king will emerge."
"But as much as my job is to render the reiatsu…yours is to stabilize it…and the reiatsu will not stabilize properly unless your mind, body and heart are accepting. You are threatening our mission."
Byakuya closed his eyes and released his breath in a soft sigh.
"How is that?" he asked.
"Your pain is interfering with the stabilization process."
Now he felt a touch of anger.
"So…you are asking me not to feel anything?"
"I am charging you with the responsibility of addressing your pain. If you do not release yourself from it, then the mating will not be successful."
"I am not unwilling to do this, but…I don't know how to stop it."
"Would you prefer to have your senses dulled when we mate?"
Byakuya stared in surprise.
"You concern yourself with my pain?"
"As I said, we will not be successful if your pain interferes. So we must ease it. If I know what is causing you pain, then I can address it."
It made sense.
"I don't wish to be nameless."
Not that his name mattered, but it was affecting him.
The king blinked slowly and nodded.
"I would prefer that we share a bed."
Another short nod.
"And I would like to be kissed and touched with some amount of affection."
The next thing he knew, he was being lifted and carried back down the hallways and corridors to the bedroom. The king set him down in the bed and settled next to him, leaning over him.
"Show me how you would like to be kissed."
Byakuya looked back at the king questioningly.
"If I am to ease your pain, I need to know what brings you comfort," the solemn voice explained.
And it seemed to Byakuya that it had become somewhat less cold.
"Show me how you would like to be kissed," the king said again.
He thought back to his days with Hisana. They had kissed and it had been pleasant. But their kisses had been light and tentative…and the king hadn't asked how he had been kissed, but how he wanted to be kissed. So he reached up and put his hands on the king's face and pulled him closer, so their bodies were touching. Then he lifted his head slightly and met the warm lips tentatively at first, and then with increasing pressure. The king merely accepted his kisses at first and Byakuya could feel that he was taking in what it was like, so he opened his mouth and thrust his tongue into the king's heated mouth, and he felt the warmth of their kissing flood his body. And soon, the king's lips began to respond to his, and his tongue invaded Byakuya's mouth, stroking his warmly, then moving on to touch and explore the surfaces and depths. And he felt himself growing breathless and inside, something was happening.
"Our kissing has made you aroused."
He couldn't help but smile and it would do him no good to deny it. So he merely nodded and enjoyed the continuance of their kissing.
"Do you want to be touched with affection now?"
A laugh escaped him.
"How can you touch me with affection? Do you even understand it?"
"No…it is your task to instruct me."
"Well, to touch someone with affection, you have to feel affection first. It isn't difficult for me because before you were the king, you were Abarai Renji."
"And you were affected by him."
"Well, perhaps not sexually, but I do feel affection for Renji, so when I look at you, I feel like I am close to him."
"Renji felt affection for you as well…and he was often sad because you would not express it to him."
Byakuya sighed.
"I know that."
"And yet you did nothing about it?"
"I couldn't."
"Why not?"
"Because it is not the way of the nobles to express deep emotion."
"And yet you are aware that not showing you emotions can cause pain. You knew it caused him pain that you would not express more and you know that it is painful when I do not express affection for you. So why then do the nobles teach their children to do something that causes them pain?"
Byakuya stared in surprise at the question.
"I don't know," he said softly.
The questions ceased then and the king began kissing him again and this time he entered more slowly. And his hands touched Byakuya's face with tenderness. Then one slipped down between them and pleasured him, encouraging his body to move. He grew breathless again and dizzy, but this time, the feeling was a pleasant one. Something was happening between them…a bond was forming, a connection opening. He had never felt anything like it. He sank into the kisses hungrily now and moved in heavy thrusts against the king's body. And this time, he felt like he had begun to fall over the edge of a cliff. He lost the ability to breathe, to move, to do anything…except to feel the hum of life in his body again as hot seed erupted and spilled out between them…as the king's body pulsed and throbbed, filling him with the new king's reiatsu and moving things forward.
And after the release of pressure, that warm mouth met his endlessly, and their hearts continued to beat at that rapid pace.
"Renji!"
He didn't know why he said it…why it had felt so natural to release it with such affection. He stopped for a moment and looked up into the golden eyes, hoping he hadn't done damage. They were observing him closely.
"I am sorry."
"Why are you sorry? You were expressing affection for the soul whose body I am using. This has eased your pain. That is a good thing."
"It doesn't matter to you that my feelings are for Renji?" he asked softly.
"It is Renji's body. It is understandable that you would connect with the one you know."
"But when I said his name like that, I wasn't thinking of his body. What made me say his name was that I was thinking of his heart…his affection…all of the affection he ever showed me."
"And you are falling in love with Renji's heart?"
Byakuya frowned uncertainly.
"I'm afraid that I don't know the answer to that."
"Well, perhaps it will become clear to you when he returns."
"Perhaps…"
The king started to pull away, but Byakuya placed a staying hand on his arm. The king looked back at him questioningly.
"It would ease my pain if you would stay," he said quietly.
The king gazed at him for a moment, nodded briefly and settled down next to him. Moments later, Byakuya turned and curled into his arms.
"Good night, my lord," Byakuya said softly.
"Good night, Byakuya."
The smile didn't leave his lips even after he fell asleep in the king's arms.
