Chapter Four: Leap of Faith

Bella's Theme: "Mother & Father" by Broods

"My biggest fear is that eventually, you'll see me the way I see myself."

Anonymous.


It took everything I had to not beat the ever-living shit out of Emmett when he came sauntering in after his little jaunt to the hospital. Even if Carlisle hadn't called earlier I would have known where he'd been; hospitals had a unique scent all their own. Despite my distaste for it, I'd grown accustomed to it what with Carlisle being there so often.

No, what set me off was the faint tang of blood that clung to his hands - her blood.

"Honey I'm home!" Emmett boomed. Esme came out of her study to greet him. I stayed where I was at the table doing my best to not break the antique. My monster sat up in his cage to zero in on the blood-scent with laser focus.

I stopped breathing.

"Oi, Jasper! Where you at?"

"In here," I ground out. My brother poked his head around the corner. Quick as lightning his jovial mood darkened considerably.

He pulled up a chair and spun it around to sit in it backward. "Shit, man, you look like hell." He was probably right. I'd spent a good chunk of time out back leveling trees. It'd been a bad night and only became worse once Alice demanded I stay home today. For good reason, it turned out. She was right, but I was still angry.

She'd been hurt and I wasn't there to defend her. Distressed, I ran my hands through my hair trying to focus. It had been logical for me to stay behind. My personal feelings aside it would have been instinct to jump into the fray. The coven would have been exposed because of the natural reaction, therefore putting them -us- in unnecessary danger.

I still hated it.

"Hey, look at me." Emmett's mouth was pulled in a deep frown. "Sloane's fine. Carlisle is keeping her overnight just in case but the damage was mostly superficial. You can see her tomorrow."

I trusted him to tell me the truth but I wouldn't be satisfied until I saw for myself. Being a mated male himself Emmett knew this; still, it was nice of him to try. I blew out a heavy sigh through my nose, rubbing my temples. An old habit from 'before'.

"I feel… fuck, I don't even know what I feel right now," I replied. "It feels wrong to want her so badly. For fuck's sake, we haven't even spoken yet!" Emmett didn't flinch as I stood up abruptly, chair crashing into the wall. A warning growl floated from upstairs. House rule number twelve: No breaking stuff in the house. Making a mental note to replace it, I stomped outside fully intending to carve out another clearing. My brother followed.

We'd leveled four clearings by the time I was able to sit down and think straight. The woods were quiet with the absence of wildlife. Everything within five square miles had fled from the rampaging predators and rightly so. Kicking aside a log I flopped down on my back to stare up at the sky.

"I have no idea what I'm doing."

Emmett snorted. "No shit, Sherlock." He neatly dodged the rock I flung at him before sitting on the nearby boulder. Concern wrapped around him like a cloud and when he spoke it was in a much more serious tone. "Look, I know you're the expert here on this whole feelings bullshit, but bottling it up isn't helping either. So start talking."

I laughed but there was no humor in it. "I don't even know where to start."

"Try the beginning."

Plucking a blade of grass I twirled it between my fingers as I considered. Bats swooped low, chasing insects that had finally come out for the evening. It was too early for the moon to rise, but already the stars had begun to make their appearance.

"It's not just that she's human," I began. "I gave up on the idea of finding my mate a long damn time ago. It's not fair to bring her into this life. With me, no less. Fuck, I've only just now getting to a point where not every human is food."

Emmett made a thoughtful noise. "Y'know," he said lightly, "I'm hearing a lot of excuses." A growl escaped my throat but he continued, using his fingers to tick off each sentence. "There's nothing wrong with you, Jasper. You are who you are, and we all know you're still struggling with the change. And it's fine.

"As for bringing her in I don't see you doing much of that. She's your mate, not a meal. You're not luring her into some piss-soaked alley to drain her." I flinched. "Wallowing in self-pity for not living up to some impossible standard you've set for yourself isn't healthy. All you're doing is more damage."

"You don't know what it's like -"

"Bullshit," he snapped. "You think I walk around that school without picturing how I'd snare some pretty little girl every day? Jasper, we're motherfucking vampires. We are made to eat people. Of fucking course, we are going to think about eating people because it's what we're fucking designed to do. What matters is you don't act on it."

I stared at him. He stared back with narrowed eyes. It was clear he truly believed what he'd said. It'd never truly occurred to me that he might struggle with the urges too. I fell back to the ground and scrubbed at my face. This was so much more complicated than it needed to be.

"So you're saying everything will be all fine and dandy if I just get over myself?"

He snorted. "More or less. Sometimes a swift kick in the ass is all you need. Even if it's you giving yourself the ass-kicking."


I went to school a little earlier than usual. Alice had been a little put out but respected I needed the space. The parking lot was empty save one or two vehicles. Most of the snow had melted, leaving behind piles of filthy slush. The rest of the student body filtered in slowly. It was amusing to see them stagger about, still half-asleep. Vampires couldn't. On this side, it seems massively inconvenient to have to give into that particular bodily function, but at the same time, I almost envied them for it. It'd be nice to have a break from my own bullshit.

For most of the day I stayed out of sight of Sloane. It was… difficult keeping away when she was hurt. Her anxiety levels were higher than usual but still, I kept a safe distance between us. Close enough to monitor, not enough to tempt me to give in already. It helped keep some control, albeit not much.

When last period arrived I was more or less prepared. Rodgers had changed our assigned seats again as he always did when pairing us up for projects. After locating my seat I glanced at the name card of who I'd been partnered with; Mike Newton. Locating Sloane's, I swapped his with hers and settled in to wait.

God, she looked rough. Behind her glasses, her eyes had heavy purple bags like she hadn't slept in days. She'd made some attempt to disguise it with makeup but there was no hiding that from vampire eyes. Her boots were loud in the half-empty classroom.

Just a couple more steps… Sloane paused to look around for her name card. I held my breath as she came closer. Three steps, now two. Finally, she found it and with a tight smile took her seat.

She ignored me while Rodgers droned on at the front about something I couldn't care less about. Instead, I took my time to observe. Her notebook was open but her notes had turned into mindless doodling. Three pairs of eyes were joined by roses. The subtle shaking of her fingers made it difficult. Gradually I wrapped her in layers of peace and comfort until most of her anxiousness faded to background noise.

Then her stomach growled.

Those formerly trembling fingers tightened on her pen as her cheeks flushed a deep rose. She ducked her head in embarrassment and wrapped an arm around her middle. Quietly, so as to not draw any attention I reached into my bag and pulled out one of the few granola bars I'd stashed in there for her. Tapping my pen against her notebook to get her attention, I slid it across the tabletop.

"Thanks," she whispered. Gratitude not of my making laced her emotion cloud. Once she'd eaten she'd looked a little better. Or at least felt it. Taking care to keep my voice low for her ears alone I decided to take my chance.

"Mind telling me your name darlin'?"

The red-head looked over confused. "You don't already know?" she said a little skeptically.

"Sure I do." I leaned back in my chair until it was balanced on two legs. "But it's polite to ask."

"Dawson. Sloane Dawson."

"Jasper Hale. How are you liking it here?"

"It's different," she replied, tugging at one of her curls. "A lot quieter than I'm used too."

She sounded a little wistful. "I'd imagine so. Forks can't be nearly as exciting as the city that never sleeps."

"It's more like the city that always sleeps." My lips twitched in a smile as flipped my pen through my fingers.

"What brought you here then?" She glanced up towards the front and wrote down something in her notebook before answering.

"My dad got a new job and wanted a change of pace. My mom's from here." It was the truth, if heavily edited and sanitized of emotions. "What about you?"

"We came down here about two years ago from Alaska. Esme wanted to be a bit closer to civilization." Technically it was true - Esme had wanted to move back closer, but mostly it was because we'd spread out for a while. Emmett and Rosalie had been traveling through Europe again, with Alice spending several years in France. For a while it'd been me, Carlisle and Esme in Denali as Edward had taken off for Chicago for a while. Moving to Forks brought the coven back together.

"Esme? That's Doctor Cullen's wife, right?" I nodded.

"Esme Cullen, my adoptive mother. She and Carlisle adopted the five of us since they can't have children."

"I'd heard a little about that. Adopting five teenagers is pretty amazing." It took some effort to not react to that, but somehow I managed.

Instead, I said, "They're good people."

Sloane tucked her hair behind her ears and gave up all pretense of listening to Rodgers, angling herself toward me. "Where are you from originally," she asked. "It sounds like Texas."

"Good guess," My lips curved into a smile. "I was born and raised in Houston."

Her eyes widened just a touch. "I was born there, actually." That was a surprise. "Lived there until I was four and then moved around a lot afterward."

A heady spiral of lust, anger, and fear hit me - Edward, according to my gift. The monster woke up again his focus and mine primed for the threat. Out of the corner of my eye, Sloane tilted her head as she considered me, concerned. Slowly I relaxed - blowing my cover was not going to help anything.

"Are you alright?"

"Fine," I lied. "Bit of a headache is all."

"I've got Excedrin in my bag if you need it?" Her hands were already digging into her bag as she offered.

"Thanks but no thanks. It'll pass."

A moment of awkward silence fell between us. Edward's emotional state was climbing. I dosed him with a heavy cocktail I used to use on newborns. Sure enough, he calmed right down. Mentally, I rolled my eyes. He was in for a rough time once it wore off.

"Can I get -"

"Are you doing-"

We spoke at the same time. I gestured for her to go ahead but she smiled and shook her head. It was the best kind of distracting how her face changed when she smiled. She needed to do it more often.

"I was curious if you were doing anything after school."

"I don't think so," she said slowly. "I'll have to ask my mom if she had anything we needed to do first. Why?"

Ah, the moment of truth had finally arrived. The legs of my chair hit the floor with a muffled thump. "I'd like to get to know you better."

Well, that wasn't the reaction I was going for. With her face scrunched in disbelief, I reached over and took the phone sitting by her notebook, swiping to unlock it. It took less than a moment to add my contact information and handed it back.

"Just in case you change your mind," I said with a nonchalance I didn't feel one bit. "No pressure."

The bell rang, signaling the end of another day of imprisonment. As usual, I waited for the rest of the student body to file out. Sloane took her time repacking her stuff. I held the door open and followed her out.

The clogged hallway parted like the red sea as we walked through it side by side. I didn't question it - it wasn't unusual for them to give us a wide berth, but for my mate it was. Her shoulders hunched against the stares and whispers, looking more and more like she wanted the ground to open up and swallow her whole.

Just before she stuck her key in the ignition of her truck I found my tongue and knocked on her window, motioning to roll it down.

"Yeah?"

"Look," I said, "I want to get to know you."

Her eyebrows shot up. "What happened to no pressure?" Her tone was almost teasing, but I could tell she was still wary. Fair enough.

"It still applies."

My mate pursed her lips as she thought, drumming her fingers on the steering wheel. "Tell you what," the truck roared to life almost drowning out her words, "How about you and I get to know each other over that project?"

I blinked, completely drawing a blank. "What project?"

"The one Rodgers spent thirty minutes droning on about?" Didn't ring a bell. Then again, I'd had something more interesting to focus on. "You didn't hear a word of it, did you?"

Apparently not. She laughed and for a second I forgot how to breathe. "I'll text you the details tonight and we'll see about getting together to work on it, yeah?"

As she drove off, I found myself in the curious position of being entirely in agreement with my monster. Walking back to the truck I pulled out my phone and dialed Peter.


A/N: Guess who's back at it with her bullshit again!

Well, it's been awhile, hasn't it? School and work have taken over my life but I've finally reached a point where I can breathe. I really like this story and I've gotten the rough draft for the rewrite of Twilight and half of New Moon done already. So hopefully it doesn't suck!

Now, I'm curious: in the past I've written so hella long chapters. Would you prefer longer chapters with slower updates? Or shorter chapters with faster updates? I don't want y'all to get bored because I'm taking so long. Anyway: questions? Comments? Rotten tomatoes? Throw 'em in the review box! I'm always happy to discuss things with my readers!