Kensi learns to be careful for you wish for when Macy shows her just how different life would be if Dom was still alive...
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"I wish I could tell you that Sam was alright. I really do. But I'd be lying." Macy watched as Kensi bit her lower lip and blinked very hard for a couple of minutes. "You know Sam – well, you did know him, when he was alive. Even if you didn't know him very well." What Kensi had said about Callen, the unwitting implication that he had not really cared, had wounded Macy to the core – a core she thought had long since withered away, along with her corporeal remains.
"He's not dead? I refuse to believe Sam's dead too."
Macy ignored her and just kept on talking. "You really didn't know him very well, did you? But even you must have noticed how protective Sam was of his team? How he always wanted to make sure everyone was alright? Well, he was racked with guilt when Callen died and he kept blaming himself. And without Callen, there was nobody to make sure that Sam was safe: there was no-one to look after him."
"I don't think I want to hear anymore," Kensi said firmly.
"That's fine. No-one is forcing you to listen. But it's not going to change anything – what happened still happened. And sometimes knowing what actually happened is better than imagining what might have happened." Macy paused. "Not always, though. Sometimes ignorance really is bliss." If this was how Kensi was reacting to the news about Sam and Callen, how on earth would cope with all the other things Macy had to tell her?
That was easy for her to say, Kensi thought. Easy, because Macy knew what had happened. Knowing something had happened, but not knowing exactly what that something was, well that was unbearable. "So what happened to Sam?" It was bad enough to hear that Callen was dead, but Sam too? That was almost beyond comprehension.
"Sam refused to have another partner, so when he went out to Yemen after Abdul Habaza, he went out alone, with no backup, except Nate. And you know Nate – a nice enough guy, as psychologists go…"
Macy let the sentence tail off into nothingness. If she'd had her way Nate would have been gone a long time ago. It was nothing personal, but she'd never felt he was essential to the team. Mind you, she'd never seen the need for an LAPD liaison officer either – but then she'd never actually seen Deeks. Things might have been different if she'd seen Deeks in the flesh, Macy thought. She'd always had a thing for blue eyed blonds with muscles and tans.
"But whatever Nate was, he definitely wasn't an experienced field agent. He did his best, but it wasn't enough. And the whole operation was a trap. It had been a trap all along. Without Callen there, things were doomed from the start."
"Sam died in Yemen?" Kensi's voice was thin and low. She remembered the Yemen mission, and what a close run thing it had been. Deeks had just come back to work after his shooting, and together they'd uncovered the evidence that proved Abdul had been in command all along, the evidence that had been crucial in raising the alarm.
"Sam died in Yemen," Macy confirmed. "Deeks was still working for LAPD, so you and he never went to that motel room, or found Felix's laptop. And NCIS never knew it was a trap until it was too late. When he knew things were hopeless, Sam killed himself, rather than be used as a propaganda tool. He was brave, right up to the end. We never got his body back." Wrapping her arms around herself, Macy continued in a monotone. "The child – Amir? He died too and his body was sent back to his father – eventually. And the Warriors for Islam gained more followers and grew stronger and stronger, despite Sam's sacrifice."
"I don't believe it." How could everything change so much just because Dom lived? How could one thing make so much difference? Dom lived – but two good men died instead. Kensi realised that her wish had killed her friends – unwittingly, perhaps, but the end result was just the same as if she had pulled the trigger herself.
"You don't have to believe it if you don't want to, Kensi. But whether you believe it or not, nothing is going to alter. Callen is still dead, and Sam is still dead. But Dom is alive – just like you wished he was. One change can have a whole lot of repercussions."
"You're not kidding. What about the rest of the team?" She had to know. Surely it couldn't all be bad news, could it? Deeks couldn't be dead too. Not Deeks. Kensi refused to even entertain the possibility that Deeks might be dead because she wasn't going to allow that to happen. Not in this reality and not in any other reality.
Macy got up and walked restlessly over to the foot of the stairs. "It was hard on Eric. Very hard. Did you ever think how stressful it was for him, having to sit there and listen to everything going down? To have to watch his team members die and not be able to do anything to help?"
"Eric always helped. He got our asses out of hot water more times than I can count," Kensi said vehemently. The team had always been able to rely on Eric, even if they'd often given him a hard time. He was their lifeline, in more ways than he would ever know.
"Did you ever tell him that? Did you ever ask him how he was coping with things? Or did you just take him for granted?" Macy didn't wait for an answer. "Eric resigned. The deaths of two of the team was more than enough and he didn't want to wait around for to watch or listen to more carnage. Eric knew his limits and he got out while he still could and went back to hacking. His skills had multiplied during his time with NCIS, but he was protected while he worked for us – every system he hacked into or corrupted was done under the aegis of being officially condoned, so he was immune. That all changed when he left – he was on his own, with no-one to watch his back. One day Eric got careless, went into a few places he really shouldn't have and he was found out. So now he's serving a ten year sentence for cyber-crimes."
"Eric's in prison? Hetty would never allow that to happen."
"Even Hetty isn't invincible. There wasn't anything she could do – and believe me, she tried everything. She called in every single favour she could think of – and then some more. But when that failed, she did the only thing left to her and resigned. Last heard of, Hetty was living in Paris and keeping a low profile, which isn't difficult for her. Basically she's a modern-day reincarnation of Greta Garbo. Except a lot shorter."
If that was a joke, then Kensi wasn't laughing. And neither was Macy, come to that.
"What about Dom?" Surely Dom had to have made it? Kensi took another sweep of the Mission, but there was no sign of him, and that seemed ominous. Why wasn't Dom around?
"After Hetty left, Dom decided that he wasn't cut out to be an agent after all. Mind you, he had a bit of help in reaching that decision. You see, he came in for quite a bit of flack from his superiors, who felt he lacked tradecraft, investigative skills, self-defence, interrogation techniques – you name it and Hunter pulled him up for it. And Vance backed her up, 100%. Between them, they picked the poor guy to pieces. Except for his reports. They liked his reports a lot, because they were always very thorough, and he always filed them on time. Which just goes to show you that paperwork isn't everything."
Kensi couldn't help thinking about how Deeks always waited until the very last moment until he filed his own reports. The last time she had looked, there was three months' worth of overtime claims still lying in his in-tray.
"I heard that Dom went back to college, and was trying for tenure, but it might just be a rumour. He's pretty much dropped off the radar. After that ritual humiliation, I can't blame him for dropping all contact with NCIS and trying to forget he ever worked for us. It wasn't exactly his most shining moment." Macy's sympathy was limited: Dom hadn't been a great agent by any means, but at least he was still alive.
"So they were all gone." Everyone had left and everything had changed. Things were beginning to make sense, Kensi thought. That was why everything in the Mission looked so different and why she couldn't see any of her old colleagues. "And Hunter's in charge of OSP?"
"There is no OSP," Macy corrected. "Hunter is in charge of the LA division of NCIS. OSP ceased to exist when the team fell apart and Hetty resigned. There was nobody else with enough skills or enough credibility to take it over. Hunter is competent enough, but she's no Hetty Lang. No one is. The lady had tiny feet, but the powers that be couldn't find anyone to fill her shoes. So, it was bye bye OSP. And that meant that Nell never came to the Mission in the first place, so you never knew her. She was posted to Washington instead, where she met one Special Agent Timothy McGee, and fell in love. I hear they're very happy. So it wasn't all bad. Just most of it."
At least there was one piece of good news amongst all this devastation. Kensi tried briefly to imagine Gibbs wearing one of Nell's Christmas sweaters and failed miserably. But there was one person whose fate was still unknown, and the suspense was unbearable.
"What about Deeks?" There was a huge lump in Kensi's throat as she asked that question: everything she knew had been swept away, so that she was standing on shifting sands as the tide swept in towards her. Deeks had to be alright – because he was Deeks.
"Why do you ask?"
"Because I need to know. I just need to know he's okay."
Macy looked at her, a long, cool and calculating stare. "Does Deeks matter more than the others?"
"Of course not." It was ridiculous to even suggest it. Completely ludicrous. Why would Deeks matter more to Kensi than any of the others?
"Maybe I should rephrase that: does Deeks matter more to you, Kensi?"
"I told you he didn't. It's just that he's my partner. So it's different."
"Really? Is that the truth? What do you have to lose by telling the truth, Kensi?" Macy's reputation as an interrogator was second to none, and Kensi was beginning to see why. She knew exactly which questions to ask and precisely which buttons to push.
"Deeks matters, okay? I don't know why he matters, but he just does. And I need to know that he's alright."
A look of extreme sorrow crept across Macy's face. "I'm really sorry. I wish I didn't have to tell you this, but I can't lie. Deeks died, Kensi. He died over a year ago."
Kensi shook her head in disbelief. How could Deeks be dead? He was too full of life to die. He was too young to die. And he shouldn't have died before they had really spoken – spoken properly, about all the things that lay unspoken between them. How could she have spent so much time with Deeks and never once told him how she really felt?
"Deeks never joined NCIS as LAPD liaison, remember?" Macy reminded her. "You already know that in your timeline he went on that long-term undercover mission without a whole lot in the way of support or backup, which was why he turned to Hetty. But in this reality, Deeks still LAPD and there was no NCIS connection. So there was no-one for him to go to for help – no-one who could make a difference, because your team was never involved. He'd been dealt a hand of marked cards, and after his partner Jess Traynor was killed, there was nobody he could go to. Scarli wasn't the only corrupt cop on the force. With Jess gone, Deeks was dead in the water - quite literally, as it turned out. Lazik ordered his men to torture him. You don't want to know the details. Believe me on that."
"Deeks died?" Day had turned into night and everything was black.
"Deeks died - eventually. Lazik's men were enjoying themselves rather too much. Let's just say that it took a long time."
Kensi had wandered over to the doors of the Mission and was staring sightlessly out into the courtyard. She could feel the warmth and knew that the sun was shining, and somewhere in the background she could hear that a bird was singing, but nothing seemed real. Nothing mattered any more. How could life go on so normally when Deeks was dead? How could she possibly go on living knowing what she had done.
Macy joined her and turned her face up to the sky. "You forget how good the simplest things feel, like the sun on your face. The little things that remind you that it's still a beautiful world, despite everything."
It didn't seem beautiful to Kensi; it seemed flat, stale and unprofitable, with all the shams and drudgeries flaunting their heads above the ugly brutalities of life.
"I need to know how he died." She shut her eyes and tried to blot out the image of Deeks' lying dead on the ground, staring up at the shy with sightless blue eyes, but it refused to go away.
"I'm not going to lie to you, Kensi: Deeks died a horrible death, and he died all alone. That's all that matters. When it was over, Lazik's men threw his body into the ocean and it was taken away by the tides. It was more than a week before it washed up, and by then there wasn't a whole lot left – just enough to manage an ID. And of course, Deeks had no next of kin to claim what had survived, so LAPD arranged for a private cremation, without a ceremony. His ashes were scattered back into ocean."
Deeks had always loved the ocean and now he would be one with it forever. He would be everywhere and nowhere all at once, and he would be forever in Kensi's thoughts.
"No." Kensi's throat felt as if it was swollen to about twice its normal size and it was difficult to breath, let alone speak. "Why are you telling me all this?"
"Because you need to know." You had to learn from the past so that you did not repeat your mistakes. Maybe next time, Kensi would be different. It was a faint hope, but it was just possible, Macy thought.
"Deeks needed someone. LAPD put him out on a limb and then it started sawing away at the branch. His death was only a matter of time, after all. And when Jess died, it became inevitable" Macy shook her head. "It was a shame, because Deeks was a good cop and a nice guy, from all accounts. But he was just too bull-headed for his own good you know. What Deeks needed was someone who would rein him in, and also bring out the best in him. Someone like you."
Kensi looked at her numbly. She had made that much difference – the difference between life and death? She had meant that much to Deeks?
"You were the best thing that never happened to Deeks, Kensi. In your timeline, you and NCIS were the making of Deeks – but in this reality, he never got that chance to save himself."
"This isn't true. None of it's true." The tears were running down her face now, in a way she had never cried in front of anyone before. Even when they had told her that her father was dead, Kensi had waited until she was alone before she had let a single tear fall. But right now she was powerless to stop them, or the sobs that came unbidden from her throat – harsh and raw, forcing their way out and ripping her to shreds with their power.
"Look around you, Kensi. What do you see? Who do you see? Where is your team? There's not a single trace of them, is there? There isn't even one piece of evidence to say that they ever worked here. It's all gone. Look how quickly you all forgot me. Does that mean I never existed?" For the first time, sadness drenched Macy's voice. "I loved working here, you know. And I did my best, I really did."
"You were a great boss." Kensi just wished she had said it when Macy was alive.
"No, I wasn't. Not really. But it was nice of you to say so."
Just because she was dead, it didn't mean that she was stupid, Macy thought. She knew the team had respected her, but they'd never admired her in the way they admired Hetty. And there was no way she could ever have inspired the sort of loyalty that led to mass resignations and a near suicide mission to Prague. That was the ultimate proof of Hetty's undoubted brilliance – that she had created such a team.
Kensi walked over to the copier, which was once again showing that the cyan cartridge was running low: some things never changed. At least there was one small area of normality in the midst of this nightmare. Scrubbing away the tears with one hand, she turned to Macy. "None of this is real. How come I'm standing here, in my pyjamas, talking to a dead woman - and nobody is saying a word? This is just some nightmare, or a hallucination – or something. I don't care what it is. But it's not real."
"Well, that all depends on how you categorise 'real', doesn't it? This is what is. What you knew was what once was. The two aren't mutually exclusive. But this isn't exactly the time for philosophical debates. You want to know why nobody is reacting to you? It's simple - they can't see you. And there's a good reason for that." Macy waved her hand in the direction of the copy machine, and the red toner light disappeared as if by magic. She looked absurdly pleased at this.
"How come you can change some things and not others?" If Macy could work magic with the copier, then she could bring Deeks back. And Callen and Sam too, of course.
"This? This is small stuff. Inconsequential. I'm just doing what would be done – only a good deal more efficiently. But you're trying to avoid the issue. You need to start looking at the bigger picture, not just parts of it. We all play our part, Kensi and we all contribute to the overall result, in one way or another. And because Deeks wasn't working for NCIS, then he never got shot when he was out jogging. Dom got shot instead – as a way of getting to you. But Dom wasn't Deeks."
"Tell me about it." Dom was a nice kid – but Deeks was Deeks. Deeks was a man, and he had this mystic ability to make Kensi feel like no other man had ever done before. Sure, he could be as annoying as hell, but he was funny and he was smart and she felt safe with him. When Kensi was with Deeks, she knew that he always had her back – just like she had his.
"Dom was nothing like Deeks, was he?" It was as if Macy could read her thoughts. "Think about it, Kensi: Dom was not Deeks. And that made all the difference to you."
It was starting to make a horrible sort of sense now and Kensi looked at Macy in growing horror. "Deeks saved my life at the hospital. But Deeks wasn't there this time, was he?"
"No, he wasn't. Deeks had been dead for weeks by then. He was finally at peace."
Finally Kensi understood what Macy had been hinting at for so long. "I died too, didn't I?"
Even I am shocked at just how bloodthirsty evil plot bunny can be. He's killed off all the team in two chapters! Or has he? stay tuned to find out more.
