Copyright: Naruto is the property of Mashashi Kishimoto and this is nothing more than a shameless parody, so stop dialing your lawyers....SERIOUSLY..DO YOU NOT SEE THE COPYRIGHT?!..PUT DOWN THE PHONE PLEASE....PLEASE?!?!


Third Round of the Chunin Exams...Interrupted arc!!!

So Kakashi decides to completely neglect his teaching duty and intrust Naruto's training to a specialist jonin with sunglasses. Meanwhile, Kakashi dissappeers into the wild with Sasuke and they train on top of a mountain, by themselves...all by themselves....(No! they didn't do that!)

Anyway, the specialist gets knocked out by the stereotypical wise and old, perverted sage(name's Jiraiya in this show) who uses frogs in his-

"TOADS! I USE TOADS!! WHY DO YOU THINK THEY CALL ME...THE T-OA-DE SAGE!!"

Point taken, anyway, the sage inapropriately touches Naruto to undo Orochimaru's seal and starts teaching him to walk on water.

"Like Jesus!?"

".....Yes Naruto....like...Jesus..."

"So...does that mean Jesus was a ninja?"

"Yes Naruto, Jesus...was a ninja."

"Really!?"

"NO NOT REALLY!!"

Meanwhile, back in the Leaf Village...the only sound nin to pass the prelims decides that he doesn't like his easy set-up to advance(he would have fought Shikamaru) and decides to jump Gaara(This is actually an authentic ninja manuever of assassination...if only he hadn't paused for a conversation...). The latter of whom....uses a giant avalanche of sand to litterally stretch pieces of the sound ninja across the roof of someone's house. At about the same time, the sick guy who proctored the prelims catches wind of an allied assault between the Sand and Sound villages against Konoha. But he gets caught and then tries go Ruronai Kenshin on the Sand jonin....the crows were picking at him the next morning.(Why do people like him!?)

So the konoha jonin have a town hall meeting and decide that something isn't right about the tournament (yeah...psychotic sand demon possessed child, the shady stuff that has been going on in the background, snake-like pedophile planning your doom, and it takes a meeting to figure it out?!) and decide...to keep an eye out for trouble while continuing with the tournament to advertise the might of their village (I thought ninjas are supposed to be strike unseen and...nevermind!)

Meanwhile Jiraiya decides that Naruto isn't progressing fast enough and pushes him into a spike-lined bottomless pit of doom in order to force him to summon a decent sized frog or....need it be said? (This is does sound close to what a ninja would demand...succeed or die) So Naruto confronts the nine-tailed fox and gets some rent (power) to save his live...and summons the largest frog in the series:

Gamabunta: A giant smoking Frog who's very stare will instill the fear of amphibians for the rest of your life! Gamabunta calls Naruto on bullshit and decides to try and knock Naruto off him of for the rest of the day. It was only after Naruto was lying on the edge of death that Gama looked at the summon contract and realized that the loud-mouth was telling the truth. (why didn't Naruto just show the contract in the first place!?)

Naruto wakes up in the hospital the next day. He meets up with Shikamaru and decide to pay a visit to Lee and meet up with someone that they always love to hang with: psychotic Gaara, trying to strangle poor Lee with his sand on a bloodlust whim. (Where is security!!?) They stop the little psycho and learn that the kid is possessed by a sand armored demon raccoon and that his father has been hiring assassins to kill him since he was six years old. (Well then! that explains everything!) Despite the fact that Gaara clearly needs help, Naruto mentally sympathezies with Gaara along the lines of: being possessed by an oversized demon, everyone hating/trying to kill you because of the demon, and growing up as an outcast. (The differences are painfully obvious however)

Fortunately, Lee's sensei, Might Guy, appears before Gaara slaughters the two genin and Gaara leaves....after warning Naruto not to **** with him or he'd kill the little fox.

Forward to the morning of the tournament: Naruto is having a depression attack for several reasons: He gets to fight one of the strongest genin in the village; If he wins then he'll have to fight either sand-psycho or sasuke; and if he wins then he'll either have to fight: A puppet master, a fellow genin who can swarm you with parasitic bugs, a genius who can manipulate the shadows, a hottie who can blow you away with an oversized fan and then break a bone with said fan, and a creepy guy who can use sound waves to mess you up. (Okay it was more along the lines of the first two, but the last point is worth mentioning) Along the way he meets Hinata and have a heart-to heart talk about courage, never giving up, and the usually uplifting stuff which ends with Naruto admitting that he likes people like Hinata. (What does the girl always have meet see Reaper to....nevermind)

After some mischief with Konohamaru, Naruto arrives at the tournament where the only rules to be remembered are: You can kill your opponant, but the proctor may stop the fight before it comes to that (don't count on it though); the battle is an evaluation of your overall skill as a ninja, therefore even if you lose your fight, you may be judged worthy to be a chunin, but is also means that nobody could be worthy of a promotion; Also, the more you win, the more chances to prove yourself you get; and try to survive because there will be no promotions of dead ninja!!

1st Match: Naruto vs Neiji!! Possessed Idiot vs Cursed Genius!!

Result:...Do I even need to say it? Naruto survives Neiji's five strike palms of death, his human cyclone technique, his powerful angst derived from having a swastika (not made up) branded on his forehead that places him in domestic slavery (If he so much as makes the wrong gesture, his clan-leaders mindrape him), the tragic story about his father being sacrificed in place of the clan heads and then wins by pulling a Ryu from a quickly dug tunnel in the ground and knocks Neiji to the ground. Victorious, he activates Persuasion no jutsu to Tell Neiji to "Cowboy Up", translation: Man up and quit your whining cause no one gives a ****!!" (Not quite as bluntly but you get the point right?)

Funnily enough: Neiji immediately forgives his uncle for being too much of a pussy to stand up for his twin brother and decides to adopt a positive outlook on life. (But the mind-numbing swastika is still on you!! What has changed!!?!?)

2nd Match: Sasuke vs Gaara!! The Battle to end all Battles!!

Actually...Sasuke was late and therefore should have been disqualified. But since so many people wanted to see him, they pushed the match back and gave Gaara some little orphen girls to tithe him over. (Surprised?)

3rd Match: Shino vs Kankuro!! BugLord vs Puppet Master

Kankuro gave up because he didn't want to reveal something. This only ticks off the audience even more, so on to the next match.

4th Match: Shikamaru vs Temari! Shadow Sloth vs Wind Babe!!

Result: Surprises everyone...Shikamaru uses his 200+ IQ to lure Temari near the tunnel Naruto dug out in his fight and captures Temari by using the shadow in the tunnel. Then he gives up.....but still gets promoted to chunin. (Wait....Dead-Last beats Genin Genius, Expert Ice Assassin, Giant Snake, and an experienced Chunin but never gets a mention of promotion, while lazy ass genius gives up match when he is about to win and gets promoted? What was the council on!?)

Delayed 2nd Match: See 2nd Match

Kakashi and Sasuke leaf teleport into the arena (about an hour after they were supposed to be there!!) and the Battle of battles is about to begin. But not before we see Gaara crush and splatter some random ninja on his way to the field. Sasuke shows off some taijutsu that he stole from Rock Lee and a slightly weaker version of Kakashi's Lightning Blade known as Chidori (a thousand chirping birds because it litterally sounds like lots of birds chirping at once).

Result: The match ends when Gaara throws a nervous fit over being poked (By that I mean stabbed by an electrically-charged fist) in the shoulder. Then the Kazekage reveals himself as Orochimaru (I thought disguises were supposed to be easy for ninja to see through!), takes the Hokage hostage, and initiates his ultimate plan:

OPERATION: KILL EVERYONE IN KONOHA, DESTROY EVERYTHING, BLOW UP EVERYTHING....BLOW IT UP AGAIN, AND AGAIN, BLOW THE LIVING CRAP OUT OF IT!!! BLOW THE LIVING CRAP OUT OF IT SOME MORE!!! KEEP BLOWING THE LIVING CRAP OUT OF ****!!!!

Oh! Kabuto also puts most of the people in the stands asleep so that he and is steathily placed team of elite sound assassins can do their dirty work....or watch Orochimaru and the Third Hokage duke it out. (You know which one they pick)...

Will Naruto be able to wake up from his dream of sexy jutsu Hinata? Will Orochimaru be able to claim his revenge? Will Sasuke's improvements help at all? Are Temari and Sasuke destined for one another? Will Sakura do something useful? (No) Is this Hiruzen Sarutobi's last stand? (Epically yes) All of the unanswered questions will be answered in the next installment of Naruto for Dummies!!

Tobi: When does Tobi enter the story!!?

Author: ....What are you doing here?

Tobi: Tobi is good boy..."shows sharingan"

Author: ....It was matter of time I suppose.

"Two Hours later"

Author: Couldn't hit the bastard!...Oh Well, see you next time folks!


Author's Notes: Thanks for being patient! I know that I'm bad with updates, but it's not to drive all of you insane!

Ninja No-Name: Yes...yes I know...thank you!