4. Have Mercy

A year.

"We don't talk much…anymore"

Two months.

"I thought I'd at least get a postcard"

A few weeks.

"He's comfortable there; I could hear it in his voice"

One day.

"Luka was going to try and get a flight out today so hopefully he'll be here tomorrow"

Hours.

"When you get home, I have a surprise for you."

Today.

Mercy

As soon as she entered the house, she couldn't help but notice the ashtray full of cigarette butts he forgot to empty in his hurry to pick her up. "I see you've been eating well." But he felt too shy to answer. What was there to say? That these past few weeks went by like a nightmare? That he used to get up in the middle of the night, his eyes filled with terror? Not tonight.

Their whole attention went to Joe the first couple of days. Taking him places…somehow using him as a reason not to talk. Were they avoiding each other? They were talking…But they weren't talking…

And today, as they left the house to take Joe to the park, they could see a shy ray of light coming out of the clouds.


Silence.

His head was tilted, his chin almost touching the chest, as he watched her. What could he say? What should he say? How should he start? She sat at the other side of the table, looking around, glancing at the new found place. They were alone, no Joe, no one to give their attention to. She tried to face him from time to time, throwing him sheepishly looks, awkward smiles, as she could feel his eyes darting her.

"Your…your mom?" she stuttered, pointing at one photograph on the wall.

Luka turned his head to look at the little black and white picture.

"Uh-uh", he murmured.

She tried to smile again, nodding.

"She was beautiful."

Silence. She took a deep breath, smiled to herself and looked down. Rubbed her hands together, her palms sweaty from nervousness. She never wished this much for Joe to wake up or at least fuss a little in his sleep. For the phone to ring…or maybe for the world to end. Anything but this.

"Guess what! I finally told everyone!" she blurted out.

"Told what?"

But he knew the answer.

"Umm…people were…" she sighed, "were wondering about…where I had been…and…"

"What did Anspaugh say?"

"The usual…90 meetings in 90 days, diversion groups, random tox screen".

"90 days?!? Isn't that a little too harsh?"

"Luka…"

"You checked yourself into a facility; doesn't that mean anything to them?"

"It did…I got off easy."

"Easy?" he nodded abruptly.

What was she going to say? That she was getting extra punishment for the two weeks leave she wanted to take so she could be with them? So he could feel even more responsible? No. He doesn't need to know…everything

Silence.

They were face to face, across the kitchen table…in his father's house…in his house…on his territory…but now neither of them had the courage to look the other straight in the eyes.

"So…are you going to tell me? About…about what happened…" He waited long enough.

"I said I will. I know I haven't been quite good at …umm…keeping my promises lately but…"

"Just tell me what happened." He rubbed his fingers together, trying hard to repress the desire to touch her hand, to make it easier for her.

"What do you think it happened?"

I slept with Moretti.

"It doesn't matter what I think. I just want to know."

"So…"

"So."

"What do you want to know?"

"Everything. The truth."

I slept with Moretti.

She smiled softly and nodded, taking a deep breath. "The truth…" she started softly then continued, this time very sure of herself "The truth is…you know…I wasn't myself, for quite a long time. And I lost sight of almost everything. My career, who I am…Joe…But if there was ever anything that I felt certain about was how…much…I love…you. Both of you". She shrugged. "It was the only reminder I had while everything else fell to pieces."

"Where were you the night my father died?" It came out softly, almost pleading. Not inquiring nor demanding. He needed to know if the truth matched his thoughts.

"At Neela's…my old apartment. When you came home I thought everything would be back to normal…I thought that I would just stop. And when I couldn't, I started hiding out at my old place…"

She ran her hands over her mouth, remembering a time she lived through a thick fog. He kept staring at her, trying to guess her every thought, trying to see past the surface…to see any hint, anything that might betray her. Trying to absorb everything.

He bit his lower lip. "What else happened?"

I slept with Moretti

"First, I used to wait until Joe was asleep. Soon, as fast as I could get the sitter out, I drank. I ended up going home early to have more time to drink. Pass out on the couch, two or three times on the floor. Then one day…umm…I had a blackout. "

Abby was chocking. Wasn't this room bigger a few minutes ago? How come all of the sudden she was claustrophobic?

"Umm…Greg and Morris were…were celebrating passing the boards…at Ike's. I didn't want to go at first…I went home, got drunk and decided I shouldn't miss the fun". She smiled, ironically. "Soon….umm…everyone left but I…I wanted to drink some more so…"

All this time, she was looking down. Never once had enough courage to look him in the eyes. But he did. This time he did. He kept staring, the way a painting of a portrait seems to follow you around. His eyes were fixed, with only one purpose. Was he blinking at least? She could feel his eyes on her and they were burning like fire. He didn't even seem to be breathing anymore. Just waited, his heart full of anxiety and anticipation.

"…so I stayed behind". She turned around to face him only to realize that he had been trembling the whole time. His entire body, every little inch of him was begging her…was begging for her mercy. His eyes were fixed, but filled with fear; he was still breathing but so fast, one could barely notice his chest rising. His head was tilted a little to the right as he was watching her, pleading.

"A few more glasses later and I blacked out."

I let him take me home, I kissed him and he kissed me back. The glass was empty and I wanted more. So he offered. And I took it. But the glass was always empty and I was thirsty. Then I had a dream where I could see my body doing stuff and I had no control over any movement. And in my dream, I was seeing you; I was smiling and you were smiling back. But the dream turned into a nightmare when I woke up and saw what happened.

She wiped the tears from her cheeks and eyes and lowered her look again.

"When I came around…"

He was there and my clothes were on the floor and I was naked and so was he and I couldn't remember and he called me "honey", like I was his and I panicked and he touched me and I felt dirty and I wanted to see you and …

He was on the verge of crying too. A blink away from the flood. And she knew that. He was craving for her mercy.

"It was late, it was so late…and I went home…I panicked….I woke Joe up and got him dressed and packed a few stuff…I drove drunk with our baby in the back seat!…And I went to the airport…" she shook her head and started sobbing. "I'm so ashamed…" she tried to hide her face in the palm of her hands; she wanted to imagine that it wasn't her doing all of those things; she wanted to hide from the pain, the shame…and the fear. She wanted him only to hear the words, not see them coming from her mouth. "They almost called security", Abby continued,"…I started demanding for them to give me a ticket…I needed to see you. God!" she paused a little. It was too much. "Because of the power blackout, there were no flights…And showing up here, with Joe, like that…..So…I just sat there…drunk…in the middle of the night…trying to make Joe stop crying…trying to imagine that this wasn't my life…"

And I couldn't touch you. I couldn't because I was dirty and he was dirty and when he touched you, you took his hand and I felt like he stained you as well and I couldn't do that and I could feel my stomach turn with disgust and I tried washing but he was there and my skin turned red from scrubbing but he was there and you said you missed me and I couldn't do that but I did and I ruined it because everything that was pure and innocent between us was now black and smudged and my body was stained and just the thought of you touching me made me shiver because I wasn't clean enough…and I slept with Moretti…

"I did so, so many things I never once thought I was capable of…endangering Joe, oblivious to everything that meant something to me…to us…I wanted to stop so much…so much…but I couldn't. It was like I was trying to mess things up. And I couldn't even look at you; sometimes, I hoped that you'll figure it out by yourself…and just waited…and drank…That's all I wanted to do…that's all I've done. Lose myself in a glass…drink until I could forget everything….and it's all I've done."

Have mercy…

Was he wrong thinking the way he did? Maybe…No. He was. This was Abby. Abby was standing right there in front of him and she needed him. This time she needed him. And this time he wasn't going to walk away. He took a minute and starting blinking fast, like he just got up from a long sleep, coming out of a trance. He fought away the tears and slowly placed his right hand on hers.

They sat there in silence for a few more moments. Then, they started talking about treatment and meetings…and about the changes they both need to make. Just a small, neutral conversation, a bridge to connect their past with their future.

Everything was out. Everything? It was. After a while, she got up and excused herself to the bathroom. She entered the room and closed the door behind her, looking around for a bit. She was breathing fast, taking deep breaths, turning her head around, not actually seeing anything. She felt like she was chocking, like there was not enough air, like she was having and anxiety attack. She rubbed her forehead for a moment and turned on the water, then just sat on the brim of the bathtub and let it all out. It was too much…she had to let everything out…she needed to brake down and just cry. To free herself…

She couldn't, she just couldn't. Wasn't it enough? It was her cross to wear and she just couldn't. No more. She's done enough. And it was enough. It was the truth. She drank. And drank some more. And everything else was just a consequence. It was true. She didn't lie. That was everything and nothing else mattered. It didn't for her and it won't for him. Why does he have to be the lucky one? Why should he be spared? Because she loved him…she did. She does. And it was the only truth she ever got to know.

She was sitting there, with her face buried in her hands, sobbing…She looked up from time to time, like she was asking for help…and forgiveness.

It didn't take him too much to realize. He was standing on the other side of the door, still debating whether to open it or not. He reached out his hand to touch the door knob and stopped for a second, closing his eyes. But he could hear her and it broke his heart…again…He gathered all of his emotions, all of his thoughts, hopes and dreams, shattered moments and happy times. Danijela, the kids, his little girl dying, a gun pointed at him too many times, Joe, Joe in the N.I.C.U., Joe hurt, his father, Abby and her kiss, Abby and Carter, Abby hurt, Abby bleeding, Abby on the floor, Abby crying…Abby and the truth. Abby. He gathered them all and turned them into strength, so powerful that nothing seemed impossible. And he opened the door.

He moved slowly towards her and wrapped his arms around her small body.

"No more hiding…" His voice was sweet and calm, filled with everything she needed…hope, love…forgiveness.

He softly kissed the top of her head and tightened his embrace, rocking her gently back to sanity as she allowed him to take away some of the anguish.

"No more…."


A.N. When the spoilers for "300 Patients" came out I was sure that Abby was going to tell Luka about the "night of endless passion" with the bald werewolf. And still think that the original piece had the full confession in. But in the end, I just couldn't do it. And although it was implied, I'm inclined to think that she will keep this to herself, if we ever get to see them again.

I hope this doesn't seem forced or fast paced.

After this, I really need a drink…or five .