Note- I love this song and wanted to use it for a story. So I changed what happened on OLTL to fit better with the song.

This is for the Best

Talia Sayid

This is for the best. This is for the best. This is for the best. You are not leaving him behind, you are going to find yourself. This is what you want.

I tell that to myself over and over as I sit on this cold plastic chair at the bus station. At my feet is one lumpy duffle bag, the sum total of my life. I tried telling myself, as the cabbie pulled it from the trunk and passed it to me earlier, that it is not pathetic to be able to pack your whole life into one bag. But I know it is. It is pathetic. I am pathetic. I wonder if people see it when they look at me? Do they know how empty my world is?

I should have more by now...more photo albums, more books, some furniture, something that says I have been on this planet for the last twenty seven years.

I don't have any of that stuff though cause I was- like some stupid silly girl you see on some damn sitcom- waiting to meet the ever illusive Mr. Right and then I would get the house, the minivan, the dining room table that seats eight for when his family comes over during the holidays. And since he never showed up, or truth be told, I suppose, never wanted me is what I should really say...since Antonio does not want me...I won't be getting any of that anytime soon. Instead it is off to Cherryvale to rent a room and take a new job and move on.

Sara asked me, in her straight forward way that shocks some people, "Won't you be miserable and lonely? You don't know a soul there!"

That doesn't really worry me. I'm used to loneliness. And for miserable, what could be worse than seeing Antonio everyday and knowing he does not want me? That there are no butterflies swirling around his gut over me, like they dance through mine over him. That he doesn't suck in a breath if he walks in the locker room and catches a flash of my bare skin, like I do when I see his abs, his back, the muscles that sculpt his arms. That the kiss we shared doesn't linger in his mind, like it does mind, coming back to grab my attention at the strangest moments, making me stop and sigh, bite my lip, crave what I can't have.

Staying here and going through that everyday for years would be pure torture. So I have no choice. I have to leave Llanview...I have to leave Antonio.

Over the loud speaker I hear "The bus to Cherryvale will leave in twenty minutes."

Foolishly, I look around. Even now, I think maybe there is a chance. He will come and tell me not to go. He will want me. He will choose me. He will love me. Antonio will remember that I am the woman who has stood by his side for months, letting him lean on me, glad to offer my strength when he was weak, my jokes when he was sad, my heart to heal his broken one.

But he won't show up. Because loving me, a flesh and blood needy imperfect woman, is not as good as loving the memory of Jessica, or hating the memory of her, whatever it is he is doing that keeps him so consumed with the past, unable to step into the future we could have. Or maybe it is not that at all. Maybe if the right woman came along, he could. Maybe it is just me.

(Your fingertips across my skin.
The palm trees swaying in the wind.
Images

You sang me Spanish lullabies.
The sweetest sadness in your eyes.
Clever trick.

Well,
I never want to see you unhappy.
I thought you'd want the
same for me.

Goodbye, my almost lover
Goodbye, my hopeless dream.
I'm trying not to think about you.
Can't you just let me be
?) ( A Fine Frenzy)

Sitting there, I close my eyes for a moment, and in my mind Antonio does show up. He's desperate, calling my name, and when I rush to him, he smiles. In that crazy smile of his, I find the will to forgive...maybe he didn't know how much he hurt me, maybe he won't do it again, maybe he can love me, in fact.

In that fantasy, he kisses me and I don't board the bus. He carries my duffle bag to his car, and teases me about not having more luggage. That night I stay at his place, and though we don't make love yet, it feels wonderful to fall asleep with my head on his shoulder, his arm around my waist. Safe. Wanted. It is a start.

"The bus to Cherryvale is boarding at gate eleven."

Opening my eyes, I look around one last time, but Antonio isn't there. As I climb onto the bus, I tell myself This is for the best. This is for the best. This is for the best. You are not leaving him behind, you are going to find yourself. This is what you want.

(So long, my luckless romance.
My back is turned on you.
Should've known you'd bring me heartache
Almost lovers always do
) ( A Fine Frenzy)

As we pull away from the curb, someone yells "It's midnight. Happy New Year!"

Hello, 2008. Hello, my new great lonely life