Guys, I know that I promised one-shots of how the rules came to be this Christmas, but ultimately, I came to the epiphany that I shouldn't make one-shots just yet, because I don't want to restrict continuity on my rule list. To make it up to you, I've decided to give you more of what you already love: more rules for the Watchtower! And just because I'm such a nice guy. I'm going to add thirty rules, instead of just twenty! Merry Christmas to all, or happy Kwanzaa, or Hanukkah, or whatever you celebrate on the winter holidays. Either way, I hope you enjoy this! (P.S. Getting the file saved from my school laptop crashing was insane, but I did it.)
41) Girls, I'm sorry to say this, but Titanic is now banned from the Watchtower. Not because it's bad. In fact, its miles above the remainder of banned films, but rather because too much of our paper material is wasted as tissues. (For what it's worth, it's still a better love story than Twilight.) That and the fact that Bruce caught Wally fantasizing over the nude painting scene. – Green Lantern (Hal Jordan)
(While the female population was none too pleased about Titanic being banned, they were at least accepting of the reason for it being banned.)
42) Arguments on which actor played Batman the best are now banned, though I will agree that Clooney was the worst. – Superman (Kal-El/Clark Kent)
42a) And on that note, if you want to hate the DCEU, that's fine... more power to you, but God help you if you are stupid enough to attack Ben Affleck's performance as Batman. If you do, then you're gonna get [EXPLETIVE DELETED] in the ass and rightfully so! The moment the Razzies nominated him for Worst Actor is the exact moment they lost credibility! – Green Lantern (Hal Jordan)
42b) No, correction: the Razzies lost credibility when they nominated Stanley Kubrick for Worst Director! – Green Lantern (John Stewart)
42c) Gentlemen, the point is that there is to be no badmouthing of Ben Affleck's portrayal of me. – Batman (Bruce Wayne)
43) Due to the pay-to-win progression system and controversy over the microtransactions, the League has decided to participate in the boycott on Star Wars Battlefront II. Look at Angry Joe's review for specifics on YouTube. (I'd offer a link, but unfortunately I am unable to post it here.) – Nightwing (Dick Grayson)
(As a further screw you to Electronic Arts, the Watchtower is refusing to buy or play any games published by EA, ranging from Mass Effect and Dragon Age to Battlefield and Titanfall.)
44) No one is allowed to give Batman any wine while in the presence of women. I think he tried to grope my breast. Shame on you, Bruce! And shame on you, Hal Jordan, for giving him wine as a prank. – Black Canary (Dinah Laurel Lance)
44a) That's right. No one touches my pretty bird except me, and even then, I restrain myself until she gives her approval. – Green Arrow (Oliver Queen)
44b) For once, I'm with you on this. And before anyone gives me [EXPLETIVE DELETED] about my addiction, I'm working on fixing it. In fact, I'm taking therapy classes. – Kid Flash (Wally West)
44c) That didn't work for Bruce, so I'm not sure if it will work for you. – Green Lantern (Guy Gardner)
44d) I think you're making Batman want to one-punch you. – Blue Beetle (Jaime Reyes)
(Before Batman knocked out Guy Gardner, he was forced to make a public apology to every female for his drunken and perverted behavior.)
45) Please do not try to pair Clark with anyone besides Lois Lane. It's not only stupid, but it hurts his feelings considering how devoted he is to her. – Batman (Bruce Wayne)
45a) And I am kind of shocked to find myself and Kal in romantic art, when our friendship is strictly platonic. – Wonder Woman (Princess Diana/Diana Prince)
46) Aquaman, please do not wreck the cafeteria just because it serves seafood. Getting something else to eat is fine. Throwing a temper tantrum is not. – Martian Manhunter (J'onn J'onzz/John Jones)
(People who kept mocking Aquaman for his powers of talking to fish were quickly surprised by his outrageous rampage in the dining commons.)
47) Whoever spread that rumor that Bruce was having a fivesome with Diana, Selina, Talia, and Zatanna really needs to own up. I know for a Goddamn fact that he has standards regarding sexual activity even for such a playboy. – Red Hood (Jason Todd)
(Regardless of who started the rumor, Wally West is innocent, as he and Batman are on far better terms than before. Barry has narrowed it down to a loser on the internet called Domino5555, who lives in his parents' attic and seriously needs to get a life.)
48) Teen Titans Go! has now been banned from the Watchtower as it is unanimously agreed that it is one of the worst things to come under the DC brand. Not to mention, it is part of the reason why good cartoons are starting to die out and why it took so long for Young Justice to be revived. Should I also mention that it caused Beware the Batman to get screwed over by Cartoon Network? – Nightwing (Dick Grayson)
(Unsurprisingly, the entire population of the Watchtower agreed to the ban. They even burned any merchandise related to Teen Titans Go! as support for its cancellation. Unfortunately, the morons at Cartoon Network refuse to listen to reason. Either that, or the leadership lacks brains.)
49) The private communications network is now off limits for Huntress and Question. You are not supposed to use it for phone sex. Fix this situation, now. – Cyborg (Victor Stone)
50) Couples are now no longer allowed to make out on monitor duty. I'm looking at you, John and Shayera. Do you know how long it took Batman to fix those broken computers or to clean that lubricated machinery? – Superman (Kal-El/Clark Kent)
51) No more contests on who can do the best Batman impression. This is a given for the guys, but when I was eavesdropping on Lois's baby shower, I could have sworn that Shayera did her best Christian Bale Batman voice. – Kid Flash (Wally West)
51a) And what were you doing at the baby shower? – Hawkgirl (Shayera Hol)
51b) You know me... listening for gossip. Have to make sure that I'm not being talked about. – Kid Flash (Wally West)
51c) Well, I can assure you that no one has been gossiping about you so far. I'm actually surprised by that. – Hawkgirl (Shayera Hol)
51d) Yeah, I sort of figured that part out. No, I did not have your impersonation recorded. – Kid Flash (Wally West)
51e) That's good to know. Otherwise, I would ram my mace straight up your ass. – Hawkgirl (Shayera Hol)
51f) A little bloodthirsty, aren't we? – Kid Flash (Wally West)
52) I don't know what demon possessed Nightwing to do such a thing but the guys are not allowed to steal clothes from the female locker room. I don't care if Wally gave you a thousand dollars. Taking my and Starfire's clothes while we're in the showers isn't the way for you to have a threesome. – Batgirl (Barbara Gordon)
52a) It wasn't Wally and I refuse to tell you who convinced me to take your clothes. – Nightwing (Dick Grayson)
52b) Thanks for not using me as a scapegoat! – Kid Flash (Wally West)
(To this day, people still wonder who convinced Dick Grayson to steal Barbara and Kory's clothes. Some still think that it was Wally.)
53) Childish games such as "Tag", "Hide and Seek", and "Spin the Bottle" are now forbidden on the Watchtower. – Batman (Bruce Wayne)
53a) You're just mad that you had to kiss Selina in front of everyone. – Green Arrow (Oliver Queen)
54) Remember what I said about playing Justin Bieber or Miley Cyrus music on the PA system on the Watchtower? Well, that ban has just expanded to Karaoke, jokes, and sports scores. I don't care how much you like playing New Divide by Linkin Park (truth be told, I still miss Chester), but the PA system is to be used for matters concerning the League only. – Batman (Bruce Wayne)
54a) I didn't know that you were a fan of Linkin Park, Bruce. – Flash (Barry Allen)
54b) There are a lot of things that people don't know about me. – Batman (Bruce Wayne)
54c) Here's another secret: he enjoys lovemaking while listening to- – Catwoman (Selina Kyle)
54d) No. No. Shut up. Shut up. – Zatanna
54e) Yes, I am going to reveal it. He enjoys lovemaking while listening to "Can You Feel the Love Tonight". – Catwoman (Selina Kyle)
54f) Selina? Seriously? Girl, not cool. – Zatanna
(Many were surprised that Batman had such hidden depths, and this caused his female fanbase to increase virally. Bruce was not amused.)
55) Guys, I know that you love pizza, and I love the smell of Pizza Hut in the Watchtower myself, but we really need to set a limit on how much money we spend whenever we order pizza. Clark and I have decided that there should be a limit of up to $100 per order. No, that does not mean that everyone can order that amount of food individually, though I admire your creativity. – Batman (Bruce Wayne)
55a) I understand, buddy. And I'll make sure that my Halo parties don't get out of control. – Kid Flash (Wally West)
55b) You're abandoning Call of Duty? – Batman (Bruce Wayne)
55c) Why not? I'm getting tired of the same repetition over and over, and we've unofficially banned EA's shooters. Besides, every Halo game up to Halo 5 had split-screen and 343 is returning it in Halo 6. – Kid Flash (Wally West)
55d) You realize that they initially said that they would have split-screen in Halo 5, but they went back on their word? So, what's to say that Halo 6 will be guaranteed to have split-screen? – Batman (Bruce Wayne)
55e) If they don't keep their promise, I will lose all hope for the future. – Kid Flash (Wally West)
55f) Don't worry about the future. I gave up on it years ago. – Batman (Bruce Wayne)
55g) That would explain a lot. – Kid Flash (Wally West)
(To cheer up Batman, Wally invited him to play some Halo 4 on the Xbox One. They enjoyed playing the game, in addition to ordering Pizza Hut, Mountain Dew, Pepsi, and Doritos.)
56) Brucie, I know that you were eating Doritos last night, but you couldn't have brushed your teeth before I made out with you? – Catwoman (Selina Kyle)
56a) I didn't have the chance to make it to my quarters to do so before you caught me. Perhaps you could have waited five minutes before kissing me. – Batman (Bruce Wayne)
56b) Ah. Gotcha. – Catwoman (Selina Kyle)
(From this point forward, all the men made sure to have their toothbrushes and toothpaste on hand in the event that their lovers gave them a surprise kiss.)
57) Hacking the TV screens to play footage of Fives' death is not permitted. I bet the person who did this knows how badly it affected the guys. – Nightwing (Dick Grayson)
57a) Yeah, what Titanic was for girls, the fourth episode of Clone Wars Season Six was for us guys. – Kid Flash (Wally West)
57b) Then maybe we should ban Star Wars: The Clone Wars or, more importantly, unban a previously banned film? – Zatanna
(Batman got the hint and unbanned Titanic much to the girls' relief.)
58) B'wana Beast, it has been mentioned before, but please leave Zatanna alone. She has clearly shown that she is not interested in you. – Batman (Bruce Wayne)
58a) I think you're just jealous of the attention I give her. – B'wana Beast (Michael Maxwell)
58b) Wanna know a secret? He took my virginity long ago, so [EXPLETIVE DELETED] off. – Zatanna
(There was much lovemaking by Bruce and Zatanna in the former's quarters that night. And yes, they were listening to "Can You Feel the Love Tonight". They sent a sex tape to B'wana Beast and he got the message to [EXPLETIVE DELETED] off.)
59) After watching Justice League: The Watchtower Paradox, Bruce and I have decided that it is a bad idea to change the past for selfish reasons. – Flash (Barry Allen)
59a) Not to mention, I severely dislike the concept of time travel unless it is absolutely necessary. So, Barry and Wally, only manipulate time as a last resort, not as a crutch. – Batman (Bruce Wayne)
60) Roller-blading in the Watchtower is forbidden. Do I even need to elaborate? – Superman (Kal-El/Clark Kent)
(The brig was full that day. None of the occupants cared.)
61) Cyborg, we're all pissed at Ajit Pai and the FCC, especially after those morons disbanded net neutrality (and we all should know that it existed long before 2015), but I think reattaching the Binary Fusion Generator to destroy their headquarters is more than a little overkill. – Batman (Bruce Wayne)
61a) Pretty soon, there will be no such thing as free speech on the internet anymore. – Cyborg (Victor Stone)
(Later that day, the FCC decided to reverse their stance on net neutrality following a visit from the Dark Knight.)
62) Batman, we know that your singing is good. It's 25% of the reason for your large female fanbase. (In fact, several say that you're better than most artists today.) However, that does not mean that you can organize concerts, with your singing accompanied by your lovers. Please stop now. – Martian Manhunter (J'onn J'onzz/John Jones)
(Batman didn't take the hint; the concerts continued, and nothing was done about it. Do you want to know why? BECAUSE HE'S BATMAN!)
63) Ladies, the game of "Which Girl Can Give Batman a Boner" seriously needs to stop. I mean, we dress like sluts 24/7. We don't need to streak around the Watchtower in even less than that. – Catwoman (Selina Kyle)
63a) I find it ironic that you of all people are calling the female population out. BTW, your "Birds of Prey" single (which is currently the best-selling song of all time) got me the closest I've ever gotten to masturbating. I have one thing to say about that: good job. – Batman (Bruce Wayne)
(Rule 63 didn't stop Batman's fangirls from trying to glomp him while nude, and so the League reluctantly decided to revoke this rule, as it was basically ineffective.)
64) This should go without saying, but arguments based on race, religion, and culture are not allowed here. This is a secular and tolerant league and we are open to all heroes. – Batman (Bruce Wayne)
65) Watching Arrow on the Watchtower is okay. Watching it when I'm in the room is not. They basically made me into The Dark Knight but with a bow and arrow. Then again, my origin was basically Batman with a bow and arrow. – Green Arrow (Oliver Queen)
65a) And on that note, I was so mad at how the CW decided that having you paired with Felicity was a good idea. – Black Canary (Dinah Laurel Lance)
66) Going on missions with me to the jungle does not give you an excuse to strip naked and swim in a waterfall in a blatant attempt to seduce me. I'm looking at you, Selina. – Batman (Bruce Wayne)
66a) What can I say? After all, I am the one that has gotten the closest to having you masturbate. – Catwoman (Selina Kyle)
66b) Further proving my point. – Batman (Bruce Wayne)
67) Bruce, you and Oliver didn't need to organize that wedding for me and Lois. While I do appreciate it, a simple ceremony in Smallville could have sufficed. – Superman (Kal-El/Clark Kent)
67a) The Man of Tomorrow deserves the best of tomorrow even if it did drain supplies from Justice League operations. – Batman (Bruce Wayne)
67b) Fair enough. – Superman (Kal-El/Clark Kent)
(When news of how Bruce and Oliver funded Clark's wedding reached the rest of the League, they were glad at how Bruce was gradually moving away from being an asocial asshole.)
68) Which asshole decided to hack the monitors to show footage of "No Russian" from Modern Warfare 2? I thought we were all too honorable to do such a heartless prank? – Flash (Barry Allen)
68a) We are. And it's probably the same asshole who hates Superman the most. Excuse me. I've got to make a visit to Metropolis. – Batman (Bruce Wayne)
(Lex Luthor had a contorted jaw for the next week as a result, and he has decided not to play his hand like that again.)
69) Making love in the shower is strictly forbidden. I'm looking at you, Bruce and Diana. – Green Lantern (John Stewart)
(Not too many people were surprised that they would do something so kinky.)
70) Tabloids are also no longer allowed on the Watchtower. Does this really need to be explained? – Green Lantern (Hal Jordan)
(No, this does not. The one who spread the rumor of Batman's fivesome also shares a strong hatred of tabloids, having to resist the urge to tear every copy that he sees every time he's at the grocery store.)
I hope you all have a Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukkah, or Happy Kwanzaa. LOTSLOVER gave ideas for Rules 50-54, and DC Watchergirl gave me the idea of Rule 64. (Seriously, antisemitism, racism, homophobia, sexism, and anti-Islamism? I have no idea what term I would use. Either way, the actions of ISIS or Al Qaeda should not reflect the actions of Islam as a whole. Those terrorist groups are just a handful of violent extremists among a relatively peaceful religion. Fighting for universal love across the world is a worthy goal that I would fight for. You should too.) For Rule 65, it's amazing what happens when your little brother watches Arrow. My reaction is basically "Who are you and what did you do with the real Noah?" Also, thank you Ozai37 and LOTSlover for beta testing, especially the latter as she helped me listen to my better judgement. I'll have to pay both of you back in the future. I have no idea when my next set of rules will arrive, nor if I'll ever do my one-shots. But either way, we've had one hell of a time having fun with these rules. Please continue to give me more ideas for rules. We don't want this to become Call of Duty (i.e. Keeping the same jokes over and over).
