Chapter 4
I was fortunate enough to wake up with some air still visible. The ship was more than half way covered with water. The water itself was slimy, thickly, darkly brown. The water was half liquid, half mud. The planet I crashed on must've been a swamp planet.
I tried to raise up, but my seat was locked. The lock wouldn't bulge and the ship continued to sink further down. I looked through the window at the small amount of land left visible. Far off, I could see T-7 had found some ground to rest on. He was shaking nervously, unaware of what to do. I reached to my side, but my lightsaber wasn't there. My eyes scanned the bottom of the ship, looking for some movement. Finally, I saw the saber slide across the floor, hitting my feet. I bent as far as the seat let me.
My fingers barely wrapped around the saber. Using the small amount of strength I had left, my arms lifted the lightsaber. Igniting the blade, the lightsaber cut through the seat strap, freeing me. I tried to push the window up, but, like the lock, it wouldn't bulge. Instead, I searched for the light and heavy feeling I had felt so many times before. The feeling found me instantaneously and, reaching my hand out, pushed the door out without ever touching it.
Immediately, water poured in, disabling the ship completely. I jumped out just before my legs got caught with the pouring current. The tail of my ship was the last exposed piece. I looked over to T-7 who was jumping a little more happily seeing me escaped the ship. The distance was far enough that I could reach it.
I took a step back only to grimace in pain. My side was starting to burn much more and my head was starting to throb. Focus. I took a step forward. My thighs tightened as I flew off the ground. I could feel the Force willing me to reach the ground. Unexpectedly, I miscalculated the jump and landed on top of T-7. Beeeeppp! The droid flew a couple inches ahead. His legs shook helplessly in the air, frustrated yet relieved at my survival jump.
I ran over and helped the little guy up. "Sorry there, T-7. I guess I had more strength than I thought I did." T-7 beeped in a very upset tone, or it seemed upset. I fell to the ground exhausted.
My focus could now be set on where we actually were. We definitely landed on a swamp planet. The ground was mushy and filled with vines. Animals shrieked and made disturbing noises around me. The trees were thick and dense. "It's gonna be hard building a camp here, T-7" T-7 beeped in agreement.
Besides the overabundance of life, the planet was very peaceful. The Force flowed strong in this place: the Force was almost another organism. I could feel it focus somewhere in the distance. I would search for it later; although it would be dangerous looking for the focus, the Force felt calm here.
I had time to search later. My ship, and only means of long distance contact, had sunk in the bottom of the swamp. All the surrounded me were thick trees of animals curious of who I was, but not too curious. Besides, I had T-7, who had calmed down to subtly shaking now, to protect me. "I'm going to take a quick nap, T-7. Then, we'll make a camp." T-7 beeped, wanting to rest a little himself.
It must've been days before I found the cave, the focus of the Force flow on the planet. I had ventured around the small camp I made, consisting of only a bed and some plants found to be healthy enough to eat. I could feel the Force strengthen in its flow the farther I traveled out from the camp. I didn't want to get too far away for the camp was my only form of food. Also, T-7 seemed scared whenever I left the camp.
One day, probably a week after we first crashed, I had decided to travel a little far out. I looked behind me and saw T-7 standing in a motionless statue. His head was spinning here and there, on the look for any danger. At this point, T-7 should've been calm, but he was having trouble adjusting to the swamp terrain. Anyways, I was traveling to what looked like a drop in the ground. The drop wasn't really a drop actually. It was more like I was on top of a bump that looked like a small hill. The mist around me was starting to drop lower the ground, which is what it did early in the morning. Unfortunately, I ignored the possibility of the mist covering how steep the hill really was. Stepping a little too close to the drop, I lost my footing and fell down the hill. At first, I was worried for myself and T-7, who no doubt probably saw me fall. The drop looked too steep to travel back up, but not high enough to jump over. As I was about to jump, I felt a dark and heavy feeling pass through me. I turned around and saw a naturally-built cave. The mist was so thick that the only visible object was the cave. The cave was created with the vines and trees bending and curving to form a circular opening in the middle.
The Dark Side was strong here. I had never felt the darkness like I did here. I felt it sometimes when I was angry, but not like this. The Dark Force was constant and consuming. I felt terrible emotions: fear, anger, and hatred. As I felt myself fall into the darkness, I was lifted again with a burst of the light side. The cave was emitting both the Light and the Dark Side of the Force. I had to see what was inside. What could be so powerful and connected to the Force to convey both sides at the same time?
I don't remember much when I first entered the cave. The mist had fallen to my feet, making me appear to be floating. As I went deeper into the cave, the mist started to build up in front of me. Eventually, the mist had thickened enough that I couldn't see where I was going. I stopped at that point, trying to connect to the Force. The Light and the Dark binded to me in there. I felt truly in balance and connection to the Force. I no longer focused on just the light like I did in my meditations at the Jedi Temple. The Force was flowing here like it did in my grey kyber crystal.
As I started to see the connection between the grey kyber and the Force here, a voice startled me, "You don't belong here." I looked around but saw no one. Could the figure talking to me be the one connected to the Force? No, the strength the Force had here was bigger than just one person.
"Who's there?"
I scanned the room once more, finally seeing a foot and white robed figure standing in the corner of the room to my light. The person was back to the wall, blocking his face with darkness. Although I couldn't physically see his face, he seemed familiar, like a lost old friend.
I could feel the figure analyze me. Finally, he spoke again, "Ah, I presume you are a Jedi. You must've landed here."
"Crashed actually. How do you know of the Jedi?" The figure laughed.
"The Jedi! Who doesn't know of them? I ran into your kind before."
My kind? The Jedi were never classified into one group: we were so diverse. I asked the figure, "What do you mean your kind?"
The figure responded, "Dreamers. False followers of the Force." I didn't understand what he was saying.
"False followers? We can manipulate the Force to our will."
"That does not make you a follower. It makes you a user." He had a point.
"But Jedi meditate every day, looking deeper into the Force, connecting to it."
The figure was silent for a minute. "The Jedi look only at the light side. Tell me: how does someone follow something but only look at one side? Does the person only care about one part?"
I thought hard about his questions. His thoughts were the same ones I had thought of before. To understand something, you must look at all its parts, not just the ones you deem worthy. The figure intrigued me. I had to know more, but the figure had vanished. "Hello?" I looked around but saw nor heard no one. I left the cave, thinking about the questions.
The next day I returned to the cave. The figure was there, waiting for me. "I see you have returned. Have you thought about what I asked you yesterday?" I wanted to continue the conversation.
"Yes, I have." I could tell the figure smiled.
He responded, "Perhaps you would like to talk about the Jedi?"
"Yes, I would. I was wondering: why are you against the Jedi?" The figure shifted in the dark.
"The Jedi are hypocrites. They give orders to not form attachments, yet they have formed attachments, to power and their Republic." I couldn't believe it: the figure thought the same as I did. It's as if the figure was me.
I had to make sure about one thing first. "Are you a Sith?" The figure laughed.
"If I were a Sith, you would be dead."
"Why would I be dead?" I felt the figure frown in the dark.
"Because you are a Jedi. A Sith always wants to kill a Jedi."
My thoughts turned to my final moments in the hyperspace battle. Arrotesdus flew right in front of me. He had every opportunity to shoot me down there, but instead he let me drift away. I had thought at first it was to let me die slowly, but there was a change in his expression as he lifted his hand from the fire button. I could see that he was facing inner turmoil. He looked down at my ship with what looked like pity or sadness. If he were truly Sith, he would've shot down my ship without remorse.
The figure caught my attention again. "Am I wrong?"
"Well, no. I suppose I would be dead." The figure laughed.
"You would be." So, the person wasn't a Jedi (obviously), nor was he Sith.
"So, what are you? You are clearly strong in the Force- I can feel it. You are not a Jedi or Sith."
The individual answered immediately, "I am in the middle. I use both Light and Dark: the true nature of the Force."
"What? How can you use the Dark Side and not be consumed by its power?"
The figure said quickly, "Who taught you that the Dark Side completely consumes its users?" I frowned at the ground.
"The Jedi did." The figure laughed again.
"Exactly. The Jedi have never used the Dark Side: they've only seen the worse of those who used it. They've seen the Dark Side users who completely embrace just the darkness, most likely because they were taught that was the only way to use it. Tell me this: have you ever felt the Dark Side before, such as when you were angry?"
My thoughts raced back to my meditation only a few days before. I was thinking of Arrotesdus before he left the Order (and joined the Sith Empire). I was frustrated at what happened in the end and at Sectillo's indifference to what happened. In my meditation, the darkness did come to me, but it wasn't like the Jedi described. It was consuming and evil. The darkness was natural, like my anger. I didn't let every emotion flow from the darkness, just the anger.
"Yes, I'm afraid I have."
The figure spoke, "Don't be afraid. Let the emotion run its course. We are alive: we feel. It is wrong to try to detach yourself from such truths. The Force is alive, too. Why should it ignore its emotions?" I was starting to understand.
"Is the Dark Side the emotions of the Force?"
"In a way. Touch that plant next to your hand. You will understand more after."
I looked down. Surely enough, a plant was hanging next to my arm. I reached out and touched the plant. My sight was immediately filled with a flow. The flow was dark at some times. In front of me, a lizard appeared. Actually, I was the lizard. I was walking through the swampy forest. A loud beep had gotten my attention, and, to my right, I saw a giant robot shaking next to me. The robot had a semicircular head and seemed to be afraid of me. I tried to move closer to better see the droid. The droid, terribly afraid of me, ran to me and smothered me against the ground. Luckily, my species had adapted to being smothered. My body inflated back to normal size, but I was still irritated at the artificial being. I wanted to show my anger. The Force started to flow darkly through me.
My vision shifted to a fish in the water. Normally, I wouldn't be able to see but the fish had special vision. The fish' eyes were adapted to the muddy water and could see everything clearly. To the corner of my right eye, I saw another, blue fish swim towards me. The fish had entered my territory, which bothered me greatly. I swam towards the fish furiously. The Force started to flow darkly through me.
My vision returned back to my human body. I was alone again in the cave. Troubled by what I had just experienced, I left the cave. I returned to the campsite to find a small lizard hurtling towards T-7. The vision I had just seen had actually just happened. I picked up the lizard and threw him far off in the distance. "Easy, T-7. It was just a lizard." Beeeep. T-7 rolled away angry.
I sat down on my bed. I was still trying to process my visions. The Force was flowing darkly through the creatures, but they weren't consumed. They weren't evil. The Jedi have always been taught that anyone who used the Dark Side weren't good. In fact, we were taught the Dark Side was inherently evil. Why would it fill those creatures then? The creatures were just angry, experiencing emotion. I closed my eyes and went to sleep, eager for tomorrow's meeting with the figure.
I entered the cave like any other day. The mist thickened in the usual spot. In the corner of the room, I could see a figure shuffle around. "So, what did you think of what you saw?" I had already prepared my answer.
"I don't quite understand. The animals were just angry, but the Dark Side still came to them. I thought the Dark Side was evil, too."
"The Force encompasses all living things. The Force has two parts: the Light and the Dark. Wouldn't, then, the Dark Side also encompass life?"
"I suppose so, but that still doesn't completely answer the question." The figure answered slowly.
"Do you remember what I told you yesterday?"
My thoughts replayed the same line he told me yesterday: "We are alive: we feel." The figure nodded his darkened head.
"Yes. And when you were angry, you felt the Dark Side, yes?" I nodded my head.
"You see, the Jedi don't understand the Dark Side, yet the Dark Side is in all of us. The Dark Side is emotion: the unpredictable, powerful part of the Force. The Light is powerful, too, but in a different way. The Light is calm, aka predictable. When we feel emotion, we become aggressive, uncalculating. The Dark Side fills these emotions. At its very essence, the Dark Side is emotion."
My mind was puzzled. "I don't completely understand."
The figure responded, "I don't expect you to. The Force is very mysterious. I want you to understand, however, that it is wrong to devoid ourselves of the Dark Side. In doing so, we are ridding ourselves of emotion, of a part of living." I understood what he was saying. The Jedi, mostly, were emotionless. They were always calm, almost to the point of looking like robots.
I frowned towards the figure. "So, you're saying we should embrace our emotions? Let the Dark Side in?" The figure responded as if he knew I would ask him the question.
"I'm saying let the emotion complete the course. The Dark Side will be with you then, yes, but it will disappear, just like the emotion you felt. In order to prevent yourself from falling completely into the darkness, you must know one thing: the most powerful emotion is suffering. In one's suffering, the Dark Side has truly consumed you."
I could see the figure's tactics. He was teaching me. "Are you my new teacher? Why tell me any of this?" The figure was silent until suddenly he blurted out.
"For many reasons. Some, I can tell you. Others, you will find out one day." I bit my lip.
"How about you tell me what you can?"
The figure sat down, still keeping his face in the darkness. "You are a Jedi, or at least becoming one. You needed to know the truth. Also, I can sense a struggle inside you. You aren't completely devoted to becoming a Jedi: I can tell."
I stepped backwards. "How do you know?" The figure laughed his usual, somewhat annoying laugh.
"I can feel it through the Force. I do admit you are much stronger in the light than I expected for your age. I don't remember being that strong in the light at that age. Then again, I am a very old man." I stared into the darkness.
"I can't tell. Why don't you come out, so I can see your face?"
The figure said, "You don't have to see it. You already believe what I am saying."
As I moved my mouth to respond, the mist started to flow towards me. My vision was blocked. As the mist cleared, the figure had yet again disappeared. I was alone in the cave. I didn't want to leave; I wanted to keep talking. The Force was becoming more and more interesting and understandable. Emotions were a part of life. Whenever I did feel a strong emotion, the Dark Side was there, but it didn't consume me. I thought about Arrotesdus. If his eyes proved anything, he was suffering. The Dark Side had completely consumed him.
Eventually, I returned to the campsite. Apparently, T-7 thought I was late. "Calm down, T-7. I'm still alive." Beeppp. He thought luck was the reason for my still living. I laughed at that. "Luck. I'm starting to think luck doesn't exist."
I laid down on my bed. I looked over at T-7, who was looking around the campsite again. "Come on, T-7. It must've been a month by now. Nothing's attacked us yet." T-7 beeped nervously, unconfident in my remark. I reached into my bed pocket, taking out an electric tube. I open T-7's charger component and plugged in the tube. T-7 relaxed, gaining power. I rested my back on the soft surface, falling asleep.
The next morning was a rather eventful one. I was awoken by a very loud beep from T-7. I swung up, rubbing my eyes. "What is it, T-7? Why don't you quiet down a little, too?" Beep, Beep, Beeeeeppp. There was apparently something on the back of my head. As I slowly gained energy, I started to feel something crawl on my neck. It was hairy and wet. I reached for my neck, but whatever was on my neck was just out of reach. As I started to feel a hairy leg, my skin pinched in a bite. The animal was a spider. Afraid of my hand, the spider bit my neck and jumped off. Now, a large bump had replaced the spider, more bothersome than before.
"Akk!" I clenched my neck. The pain was worse than the burn in my side (which had fortunately subsided after a couple weeks on the planet). I only cared about relieving the pain. I ran to the swamp lake nearby. Scooping up handfuls of water, I splashed my neck repeatedly. Eventually, my neck was beginning to swell down. Somehow, the water had helped.
I fell back, observing the water. In my pain, the Dark Side had come to me. The feeling was heavy. My thoughts went back to the cave and the figure who was most likely waiting for me. Covering my neck with my robes, I rose up and walked to the cave. As I passed the campsite, T-7 beeped nervously. "I'm alright, buddy. I'll be back." T-7 beeped in relief and turned off, allowing his powers to recharge.
The figure was indeed waiting for me. He was sitting in his usual spot, still hiding his face in the dark. He gave his usual greeting, "Have you thought of what I said yesterday?"
As usual, I responded, "Yes."
"So, I have taught you about the Nature of the Force. Now, I wish to teach to you about the Force's supposed 'followers'." The figure was precise in putting quotation marks around followers.
"You mean Jedi."
"Well, I will talk about Jedi, but I also wish to talk about Sith."
I took a seat, preparing for today's lesson. "You know the Jedi Code. Do you know the Sith Code?"
"No, but I know what they seek. They want power." The figure rose his finger.
"Just like the Jedi. They just seek it in different ways. One seeks power in calm and the Light Side of the Force. The other seeks power in emotion and the Dark Side of the Force."
"Yes, that is true. The Jedi seek power to maintain peace, though." The figure lowered his finger.
"Do they? If Jedi truly seek peace, why do they fight in every war? Why do people still die under their protection?"
"The deaths that happen in war are necessary." The figure rose his eyebrows, or it seemed he did.
"Do you really believe that?"
To be honest, I didn't. I had heard too much about lands devastated by war. Families who had lost their father, mother, and/or children because the war had found their home. "Well, I must confess I don't. To be honest, I don't believe in this war, or any war between the Jedi and the Sith."
The figure nodded his head. "I thought so. The Jedi and the Sith have been in constant conflict since their beginnings. The very natures and philosophies of each group bring conflict in the other. Let's look at the two codes."
"There is no emotion, there is peace. There is no ignorance, there is knowledge. There is no passion, there is serenity. There is no chaos, there is harmony. There is no death, there is the Force. That, as you know, is the Jedi Code."
"Peace is a lie. There is only Passion. Through Passion I gain Strength. Through Strength I gain Power. Through Power I gain Victory. Through Victory my chains are Broken. The Force shall free me. That is the Sith Code."
"What do you notice about both?"
I replayed both Codes in my head. "Well both codes don't actually talk much about the Force, but end with it."
The figure responded, "Yes, they are more focused on ideals. It's more as if they remember that they can use the Force and added it at the end. Both codes do resemble their emotional state, as well. The Jedi Code is calm and peaceful. The Sith Code is emotional and powerful."
"Yes, but why does it matter what their Codes resemble?" The figure rose his hands.
"I'm just making observations. Now, the two Codes, they are polar opposites, aren't they? They dwell on just one side of two: emotion and none emotion, the Dark and the Light." The individual's teachings were making sense.
"So, you're saying a follower of the Force should be in the middle?"
"Yes. Tell me: what do you truly want as a Force user?"
I thought about my goals as a Jedi, as a Force user in general. I remembered what I thought on the cliff with Arrotesdus, back when I first discovered my Force abilities. "I want peace. I want the galaxy at peace. I want to be the one who maintains it."
The individual nodded his head in understanding. "That's what a Force user should be. They should protect the galaxy and its inhabitants. I believe that is what the Force desires. I believe that is why the Force resides strongly in certain individuals."
I glared at the figure. "What are you saying I should do then as a Jedi?" The figure was silent. He took his time in responding.
"If you so desire, I have made my own Code for Force users. Would you like to hear it?" I nodded, waiting to hear his answer to my question. The figure breathed deeply, preparing himself to say a newly created Code for Force Users.
"There must be both dark and light. I will do what I must to keep the balance, as the balance is what holds all life. There is no good without evil, but evil must not be allowed to flourish. There is passion, yet peace; serenity, yet emotion; chaos, yet order. I am a wielder of the flame; a champion of balance. I am a guardian of life. I am a Grey Jedi."
"A Grey Jedi? What is a Grey Jedi?"
The figure responded quickly, "A Force User in between the two polar opposites. He is a mix of white and black, creating a new color: grey."
I was deep in thought about the Code. Becoming a Grey Jedi was an interesting thought. According to the Code, I would use both sides of the Force. I would truly protect the galaxy like I dreamed as a kid. I didn't understand about my future completely, however.
"What would happen if I became a Grey Jedi? What about my other training to be just a Jedi?"
The figure sighed. Although his face was obscured by darkness, I could see him look at me. He was silent, waiting for the right moment to answer. The figure shifted his legs as mist started to thicken around my eyes again, blocking my view of the person. As the last bit of the person was lost in the mist, I heard him say, "You must leave the Jedi Order."
