The rating is up because Suicidal thoughts and actions are taken to attempt Suicide have occurred and they will talk about regularly from this point on, however it is done as a way for Izuku to try and recover. This is a trigger warning, it's not a usual way to try but he still does try. Please be mindful. I don't want to upset anyone but this chapter has been in the works since the last update, I put a lot of thought into the situation, I'm sorry.


Hours blurred together, Izuku didn't feel like moving from his spot on the couch, he didn't feel like eating or even drifting off, images of fire and the action he'd wanted to fulfill burned into his brain, screeching and leering at him in disgust if he began to drift off to the sanctuary of sleep. Hisashi wouldn't sleep either, hovering between the living room and kitchen, refilling his coffee mug. The TV was left off to keep the incident out of the air, but unspoken it sat like a heavy stone in their chests, Hisashi waiting for reprise in the form of his Ex-wife and her husband.

14 hours of waiting in silence, the thrum of an old coffee maker pulling overtime as Hisashi kept himself awake with caffeine and dark thoughts. How could he have told Inko if Izuku had been able to kill himself? Could he have faced her for the funeral, would he have been blamed? Somehow letting his son suffer mentally because he hadn't taken notice of his pain quick enough; Hisashi didn't eat out of fear he'd end up throwing it back up, he was afraid to leave his son alone. Like he'd try again, this time through an apartment window, an image that haunted him as he poured another mug of coffee and a loud knock startled him into dropping mug into the sink. He turned and hurried to the door, relief beginning to sprout, and another knock this one almost threatening to break the door at its hinges. There was a soft call and Hisashi pulled the door open quickly, greeted by a thin, wiry man with blood dribbling down his chin and a fire in his eyes.

"Yagi! Yagi calm down…" Inko cried, appearing at his side with a pant, both looked half-dead from jetlag and worry, Inko looked ready to burst into a fresh set of tears when she met Hisashi's gaze.

"Where is- Where's Izuku?" she warbled, eyes filling to the brim with more tears and he let them in, Toshinori breathing hard as he braced himself on the wall of the entryway and Inko made her way into the living room, a sharp cry ripping out of her throat as she hurried over to her son. Toshinori's shoulders shook, Hisashi watching as the man who'd once been Humanity's hope cry softly. He could see him try to catch himself but once one sob bubbled up, many followed; Hisashi could only stare, looking between Toshinori and Inko as she held Izuku in her arms and cried, Izuku held onto her tightly, like a lifeline; Hisashi felt his stomach twist at the sight. It was a tasteless thought, but he couldn't help but think back to the day his son had been born, how much Inko had cried holding such a small thing, screaming into their ears…how Hisashi had felt what everyone had expected him as a father…

It seemed that perhaps Toshinori felt what he lacked, the missing piece that would have made him a better father in the end, and maybe could have prevented him from being absent from his son's life. He loved the boy, yes, but if someone had asked him if he was ready all those years ago he knew his answer would still be the same, no. Izuku had been born and he hadn't felt that rush of paternal connection, he didn't feel like a father, and it shouldn't be almost losing his son, 21 with the world at his fingertips, to inspire him to feel like a father. Toshinori had only been a part of Izuku's life for a few years, but he could see it, the shake of his shoulders and tremble of his chin; he felt the same as Toshinori in this moment, the overwhelming panic and burdening guilt, thinking it was your fault he'd wanted to die. That they'd failed as parents and had inadvertently been the ones to push him towards this outcome.

Inko's cries quieted after what felt like ages, crippling sobs becoming soft whispers and a lullaby as she rocked her son slowly, kissing him every moment she could, fingers combing his messy, green curls; she'd almost lost the one person who had been a constant, the being she'd given birth to and raised for 21 years. She called him by a nickname, something endearing and sweet while he clung to her, whispering apologies through choked sobs and blubbering sniffles. Hisashi tore himself away to face Toshinori, breathing finally evening out as he reigned himself in, he becomes stronger before Hisashi's eyes, someone Inko could support herself on, something Hisashi had barely been.

"…would you like some coffee?" he asked after a beat of silence, pulling the taller man from his somber thoughts at the sight of his wife and step-son huddled together on the floor, drowning in regrets and tears.

"…thank you, that would be great." Toshinori nodded and Hisashi lead him into the kitchen, pouring the man a mug of coffee before pouring himself another, he gestured to the small dining area and Toshinori collapsed into one of the chairs, his weight barely scooting the chair as he did so. He clasped the mug in his hands, large and calloused while Hisashi sat opposite him, letting an uneasy silence form. It remained that way for a long moment, minutes ticked by and Toshinori choked on a sob, Hisashi watching his resolve crack again as the other squeezed his mug tightly.

"…Do you know why he'd- Why Izuku would try to do that…? I keep trying to think of why and I can't-" his voice wavered as he spoke, shadows hiding his eyes in the low lighting of the room, piercing blue dim and clouded with tears.

"…I have an idea…he showed signs of extreme anxiety the other day but I couldn't have known it was this bad, that it went deeper than just a fear of expectations unmet. Inferiority…calling himself a parasite...I didn't think it would lead to something like this." Hisashi mumbled softly, Toshinori stiffened and sank deeper into the chair, strength draining out of him with a shaky sigh.

"I see…of course, of course, It would be something like this…" Toshinori murmured softly, prompting Hisashi to look at him with a question loaded on his tongue only for the other man to stop him.

"My health has been on the decline…my Hero days catching up with me. I'm sure Izuku explained part of his quirk by now, how he inherited it from me…he takes it from me slowly, little by little as he gets stronger." A short chuckle, laden with pride

"It made me so proud to see him grow into the man he's become, my strength may be waning but it didn't make me any less proud of him…with my health being as it is…I assume he's shouldering the blame for it." Toshinori murmured, closing his eyes tight and breathing deeply.

"He feels that he can't live up to your name." Hisashi blurted, Toshinori's eyes shooting open to look at him in shock

"Did you ever tell him, he didn't have too?" Hisashi demanded lowly, he didn't want to pick a fight right now, but he couldn't help the anger he began to feel towards Toshinori.

"Your health is your own doing and because of your mistakes Izuku felt he had to end it to get away, I can't help but feel my blood boil now, looking at you. Acting the way you are…proud of him yet driving him to tears because he can't be you!" Hisashi snapped, standing abruptly and slamming his hands on the table, Toshinori's mouth hanging open as if he were going to defend himself, but no words came.

"I understand the drive to have a successor but did you ever think about what it would do to him mentally? If you're going to die when he takes that last bit from you, did you ever tell him the risks? Assure him it would be ok? Did you just accept your own morality while he worried himself into a corner about it!?" he demanded, voice growing tight.

"Hisashi, enough. Izuku's asleep, let's not wake him." Inko croaked, entering the kitchen, eyes red-rimmed and puffy. He glared at her through tears

"How can you defend his actions…? Izuku about killed himself because of this- This problem, your husband's life choices about cost you, your son! Cost me my son!" he snarled and she stepped forward, placating the man with a gentle hug.

"I'm angry too, but not at Toshi, I'm not going to throw blame at any one person, we all had a role in this…I failed just as much as he did and just as much as you did. You're his father too…no one is truly blameless in this situation. We should have been talking to him more about Toshi's health. Should have set up grief counseling for what he was feeling, should have picked up that he was hiding more than just what we could see on the outside. I'm his mother, I should have seen more…but I didn't. You didn't see it either…Toshi didn't see it…we're all at fault, and now we're going to deal with it as best as we can." Inko explained, pulling back to hug herself and look to Toshinori, who met her gaze with an apologetic frown.

"I know of a counselor, they helped me through some trying times after my injury had me losing myself. I took not being able to save the day, save as many people pretty hard…and I let it get to me sometimes. I think she'd help. Help Izuku understand there's more to it than just being a symbol or figurehead…that he's worth more than any title we could give him…" Toshinori murmured. Hisashi slumped into a chair and rested his head in his hands

"You're going to take him back to Japan?"

"I think it would be best right now if we could take him home and have him surrounded by familiar people…we've been in contact with some of his friends not swamped with hero work, they agreed to check on him when we can't." Inko explained, taking a seat next to Toshinori. Hisashi frowned

"Why can't you stay with him?"

"...Toshi has been having a hard time…I think it would upset Izuku more to be around him right now, the cold weather messing up his lungs and he's prone to more coughing fits. If Izuku is struggling because of Toshi's health then it's not a good idea to keep him cooped up with us. His apartment is the best place for him, and his friends will make sure he's ok." Inko continued and Hisashi felt another flicker of anger.

"You're choosing his health over your own son's?" the words slipped out before he had a chance to stop him, Toshinori looked dangerous as the word's settled in, eyes bright and fierce while Inko looked mortified.

"I would. Never. Pick someone over my son." She grunted an expression he'd never truly seen on her coming to light. She was strong, not the meek little woman he'd known years ago, she'd grown strong.

"I am doing what I believe is best for him, I will not force him to hear his step-father suffer while he tries to get better. I won't do that to him." She spat sternly, hands folding together and Toshinori wrapped an arm around her, squeezing gently before her exhaustion bled into her. Her shoulders sagged and she leaned into his touch, eyes going heavy as she struggled to keep them open. The discussion was over, Izuku's visit was over, and there was no more room for protest.

They packed his things, a short rest spent in the living room trying to find some peace before returning to Japan with Izuku. His hero uniform had been stored back in its case and was tossed into Toshinori's suitcase, keeping it out of sight of Izuku. Hisashi felt his chest tighten as they took his bag to rest by the door while they woke him, they had gotten the earliest flight back to Japan and would be leaving soon. They had a meal, he didn't know what to call it as it was dark outside from being early in the morning and no one had really truly slept, waking and still feeling restless. Izuku looked worse for wear, almost sickly as he picked at leftovers from the fridge. Inko and Toshinori barely ate anything, silently exchanging looks with each other and worried glances at their son.

Hisashi ate what he could and soon the time came for their departure, Inko and Toshinori hovering in the doorway as Izuku bid him goodbye.

"I'm sorry things were cut short…I want to come back. When I'm better and not a mess…" he forced out a breathy chuckle and Hisashi hugged him tight

"You're not a mess…you're a good man who just needs a little help right now, nothing to be ashamed of." Hisashi breathed and Izuku nodded slowly, squeezing the older man tightly and sniffling.

"I promise, I'll visit again, next time will be better…I'll be better." Izuku assured and Hisashi smiled wide, nodding in agreement.

"…Hisashi-…Dad." Izuku smiled weakly and bowed his head, Hisashi's eyes going wide at the title.

"Thank you for letting me stay here, and being so understanding."

"The pleasure was mine, thank you for keeping me company, Izuku." He patted his shoulder affectionately

"Don't hesitate to call or skype or whatever." Hisashi offered and Izuku nodded again, a noise of affirmation.

"Ok. I won't. See you around?" he asked and turned to leave, keeping his gaze on Hisashi.

"Yeah, see you around." He acknowledged and Izuku shut the door behind him, facing his mother and Toshi. He didn't really feel any better about what he'd done, nor did he feel any different towards Toshinori, his chest still felt tight and loaded, ready to burst at a moment's notice. The cab ride to the airport was spent in tense silence, and the plane fared no better. Inko and Toshinori clung to each other, hands intertwined always as they silently shared thoughts and feelings through a connection Izuku had yet to have found in another person. He could feel their eyes on him every so often, whether it was waiting in the terminal or on the actual plane, if he looked elsewhere their eyes were on him the next second as if he'd disappear right before their eyes. It made it hard to face them or look at them, knowing that he was the reason for their sudden trip back and forth.

Touching down in Japan gave him a brief rush of joy that was quickly soured with the memory of his suspension, a red mark next to his name. He wouldn't be doing hero work for a while as he worked to improve his mental health, it definitely important but all the same he still wished he could just throw himself back into work and not think about it. That wasn't how things were going to pan out, however, as he knew if he checked his status a bright red, 'Suspended' would appear on his file and prevent him from logging any work or even clocking into his agency. They walked together, a little group of three into the terminal in the late evening, looking as exhausted as they felt.

"Midoriya!" there was a loud call of his name and he looked up, startled when a flash of red and white caught his attention. Todoroki was looking him over worriedly, stuck in an awkward gesture as if he felt compelled to hug him or just stand his ground. Izuku blinked slowly, a slight frown crossing his face

"Todoroki…? Why are you….?"

"Have you been waiting here all day my boy?" Toshinori asked, surprise evident in his tone of voice.

"Yes, when you contacted me initially I prepared to come then but was informed your flight wouldn't arrive until today, I waited here just in case you arrived early…" he trailed off, looking back to Izuku with a warm, lopsided grin.

"It's good to see you again…I'd pester you about your trip but you look like you could use some rest." He offered, Inko and Toshinori sighed with relief and nodded in unison. Izuku still partly stunned and confused as to why Todoroki had come to greet them. They retrieved their luggage and Todoroki helped them pick up a taxi, it was strange to hear his surroundings once again be in a language he didn't really have to put thought to deciphering; Izuku noted that Todoroki had a bag when everything was set out on the curb and Izuku's stomach lurched as it occurred that Todoroki was there because of him. Of course, he would know, he had his own branch to manage, any suspension would go through to any branches in operation; Todoroki was here to keep tabs on him, make sure he didn't try again…

It wasn't really a comforting thought, normally he would be excited Todoroki was there, having not had time to even catch up over coffee; but he was here because Izuku had tried to do something terrible, he would probably launch into something the moment they were alone. He had gotten good about speaking his mind freely and still had that bluntness to him that meant he wouldn't beat around the bush either. His parent's apartment was their first stop, his being a few blocks away after theirs at the end of a side street, they could walk but it was chilly and late, and if he was being honest with himself he didn't think he could move a muscle unless it was to get into his apartment and fall into bed. Todoroki helped his parents retrieve their things from the trunk and they waved, Izuku smiling weakly before Todoroki piled back in and directed the driver to the next address.

Izuku braced himself for the inevitable, waiting for that biting tone to turn on him, the cold stare demanding why he'd done it or risked his dream because he had a moment of insanity. Izuku wanted to curl up and make himself as small as possible as if trying to minimize the area of injury he would receive from his longtime friend. It never came though, the taxi pulled out in front of his building and both clambered out, Izuku feeling dazed and wary of the other who took his bag without a word.

"You worry about getting the door open, I'll get these." Todoroki breathed, voice sounding tight and strained. It made Izuku's throat tighten and insides seize as he dug for his keys, leading them inside after the taxi had been paid for and bags had been gathered together, and his apartment was dark inside, about as cold as he would expect to be without the heat having been on. Todoroki dropped everything carefully to the side and stood erect, staring at Izuku. He grimaced, waiting for the shouting, the accusations to be thrown his way and for Izuku to be unable to answer them without crying, he already felt tears forming and suddenly, he was wrapped in another's arms. Todoroki pulling his close and squeezing him tight, an overwhelming warmth yet bristling cold; his shoulders shaking violently and quiet, stilted sobs. Izuku blinked, eyes going wide, he hadn't expected this not in a million years would he have thought Todoroki would react like this.

"…I'm sorry…" he blubbered softly and Todoroki shook his head vigorously

"Don't. You don't get to do that right now." He cried softly, Izuku hiccupped in response and hugged him tighter. He'd done this, hurt people he cared about because of his actions, people he loved.

"…Midoriya, why would you- I don't understand-" He was fumbling over his words and it made his chest squeeze in a way he was all too familiar with.

"I don't know…I don't know at all." He croaked and pulled back as Todoroki wiped his eyes and tried to calm down, he'd told the truth but it didn't sound convincing even to himself.

"I want to apologi-"

"You don't get to do that. You don't. You can apologize when you're ok...Not now when you might not even mean it."

"Todo-"

"You tried to kill yourself Izuku! The file came through my work and I- I didn't know how to feel or what to do…You're one of my best friends…I didn't see that this was happening, you didn't tell me! After everything you did for me in High school, you couldn't tell me you felt like this…?" he asked softly as a fresh set of tears began to form. Izuku balked at the use of his first name, stunned into silence at his friend's outburst, heartfelt and raw.

"…I was scared…of admitting it…to everyone…to myself." Izuku managed and Todoroki listened, gaze intense.

"Scared of what?"

"…I don't know." Izuku cried chest seizing and threatening to choke the air from his lung. Todoroki hugged him again, gentler and soft. Comforting heat enveloping as both began to sooth themselves out, it wouldn't do anyone any good to fight right now over something that had already occurred. Todoroki seemed to pick up on it too, pulling back and setting his bag next to the couch, letting a strained silence fall between them.

"I can make something if you're hungry." Izuku offered, not feeling hunger himself at the moment, but it was polite to offer. The crack in the thickening silence as he waited for Todoroki's answer, silently hoping for an out so he could escape to some other part of his home for a little while. Todoroki perked up with a frown,

"No thank you."

"Ah…are you sure…"

"You should rest Izuku." Todoroki chided making a palette for himself on the couch. Izuku could see how tired he was now, shoulder slumped forward and posture out of line.

"Well…the bathroom is over here if you want to shower or anything…" he explained, looking to the slightly ajar door leading to the bathroom. Todoroki nodded in response, wordlessly going about folding sheets into sofa cushions. Izuku got a spare comforter down from the hall closet and placed it on the end of the couch with Todoroki finished preparing his sleeping spot.

"…how long are you planning on staying?" Izuku asked, voice barely a whisper but Todoroki heard and turned to face him with a stern expression.

"As long as I need too. It's a serious matter and I don't think I could just sit by knowing this is going on. I took a short leave from my work. So I'll be helping you get to appointments and keeping you company." Todoroki stated and Izuku made a noise of irritation.

"You took leave!? Todoroki I'm capable of getting myself to appointments and back I don't need a chaperone, you shouldn't let me affect your wor-"

"Yaoyorozu stepping in, she's been helping me anyway so this is good practice for her if she wants to start a branch of her own." Todoroki cut him off and Izuku snapped back

"That doesn't fix it! I don't need you here 24/7, I'm not going to go jumping out of windows or hurt myself, I don't know what it was back in Chicago but I'm fine now."

"No, you're not. If you were fine you wouldn't have even tried. You wouldn't. You're not like that. Izuku…it's-" a pregnant pause as Todoroki worried his lip and clenched his fists into tight knots.

"It's ok to need help with this sometimes. It's ok to be upset, it's ok to need to talk to someone. It took a long time for me to understand that, I didn't talk about my childhood to counselors until I was almost out of High School…you know this. Whatever is hurting you, it's ok to admit that it hurts so you don't end up like me." He pleaded softly. Izuku glared

"That's all well and good but that doesn't mean you have to keep an eye on me constantly…"

"Who's to say you won't try again?" Todoroki barked, startling the shorter man as his stomach twisted painfully in his gut.

"Wha…"

"Who's to say that the moment I leave you don't open your windows and take a swan dive out." Todoroki bit out, a shudder ran up Izuku's spine as his long-time friend tried to calm himself down. He could see it in his breathing, long, deep breaths trying to keep his temper down.

"Because I won't…"

"I don't know that. Your parents don't know that. You don't know that." Todoroki snapped and Izuku flinched.

"You don't know that you won't try again. I can't leave here knowing that you could try again…and that we'd lose you. Everyone wants to see you again…they missed you and I can't imagine it if you'd succeeded. A world without you…I don't want that, you're too important to me." Todoroki choked, trying to keep his voice even. Izuku hurled himself forward, limbs tangling as he stumbled into Todoroki and teeth clacking as mouths crashed into one another. It didn't last long, Todoroki shoving him away a moment later, eyes wide and breathless, staring at Izuku in what he could only assume was disgust. Izuku felt everything sink, nausea rushing through him as realization dawned on him of his own actions. He'd kissed Todoroki, he'd kissed the man he'd had feelings for, for a while now; Todoroki hadn't kissed him back, nor did he look pleased Izuku had done it.

"Oh…Oh I'm so sorry Todoroki…" his voice squeaked as he pulled back completely, hand running through his hair anxiously, he wanted to curl up somewhere and just disappear, how could he just do that. You don't kiss your best friend, it's not ok to throw yourself at them after something like this. His stomach was starting to clench, a dry heave escaping his as he plopped onto the floor, breathing was becoming a challenge. Hot tears were pooling and his lungs were refusing to take in air as his diaphragm stuttered inside him. A wheezing exhale followed by a choking inhale, eyes forward as he hid his face, pressing his forehead to the fake hardwood of his apartment floor.

A soft hand was pressed against his back and he cringed, another dry heave wracking through his system, he was disgusted with himself. Forcing himself on his best friend like that…Todoroki rubbed soothing circles as Izuku's stomach continued to spasm, he partly thought he'd start spitting up stomach acid if this continued, the dry heaving keeping sobs in as he sat there crumpled on his floor.

"Izuku. You don't get to do that right now either. Not while you're emotions are all over." Todoroki soothed quietly, Izuku taking in another strained breath.

"…you can try again when things are better, when you're ok. When we don't have to worry." He continued pulling Izuku out of his fetal position on the floor and tilting his chin to get him to look at Todoroki properly, the smile the other man had was soft and caring though a little off. He could see clear-cut worry in his eyes but Izuku let the words sink in as he stared open mouthed at the other.

"…try again…?" Izuku croaked. Todoroki nodded slowly before helping Izuku up and leading him to the kitchen, he gave Izuku a glass of water and insisted he drink most of it to keep hydrated before letting the shorter slink back to his room and collapse into bed.