Disclaimer: I don't own legal rights to any of the copyrighted Resident Evil stuff in this story.

Emilee-San – The typewriters aren't in RE5, huh? That's kind of sad. I did think they were kind of ridiculous the first time I played RE4, but now I realize it's the end of an era. Oh well.

Stardust4 – Hope you don't get tired of the "yes or no" stuff anytime soon, because there's still plenty more to come.

John – That is your name, right, John? Well, whoever you are, thanks for the advice.


"Combine x and y to make x plus y," Dr. Smith, my algebra professor, said, using chalk at the blackboard. "Use xy to find m. It is not necessary use the square root of x."

I combined my pencil and paper to make notes, but I was finding Professor Smith's instructions a little hard to follow.

"Now, who will come up and solve the problem on the board?" Professor Smith asked.

Naturally, the hand of Cindy, teacher's little blonde pet, shot straight up and shook violently. Professor Smith rolled his eye and tried ignoring Cindy, though there were noticeably no other volunteers.

"Anyone ? . . . Anyone? . . . Valentine? . . ." Smith pointed his stubby piece of chalk at me. "Come up to the board? Yes or no?"

"No," I said.

"Don't get smart with me, Valentine. Get up here."

I groaned, stood up, and shuffled my feet all the way to the chalkboard.

"You are standing at the chalkboard," Smith said.

No duh, I thought.

"Will you take the piece of chalk? Yes or no?"

I snatched the piece of chalk.

"You got the piece of chalk."

I looked at my notes and tried to use "x and y equals x plus y" to solve the problem.

"It is not necessary use that here," Smith said.

I frowned and flipped to another page in my notes. I tried "x time y equals xy." Again, Smith told me this wasn't the correct solution to the puzzle.

"That's it, Valentine. Sit back down. Miss Lennox, would you like to try to solve the puzzle?"

Cindy shot me a nasty snarl as we passed each other. I sat down in my uncomfortable seat and watched her smugly work out the problem on the chalkboard.

"Very good, Cindy," Smith said. "You got extra credit. Will you take it? Yes or no?"

"Yes, please," Cindy said.

She opened her purse. Smith took a quick look inside.

"You can't carry any extra credit right now," he said.

I have to admit I smiled when Cindy stomped her heels and pouted at Smith.

"You can pick it up at my office later, when you've emptied some of the items from your inventory." Then Cindy immediately turned to a file cabinet in the corner and pulled out a stack of papers. "For your homework, Cindy will be passing out some Playing Manuals for each of you to look over."

I took the paper and examined it.


Player's Manual 1

Note that the button names may differ depending on the calculator type being used.

Press the "On" Button during homework.

You cannot use your calculator in the following circumstances.

-During a pop quiz, unless notified otherwise by your professor.

-During certain assignments when specified by your professor.

-When taking damage.


I flipped the page.


The following functions may be available on your calculator.

-Multiplication

-Division

-Addition

-Subtraction

-Graphing … etc.


I flipped to the next page.


View Homework

Select the HOMEWORK item from your Backpack (You can also press the Z Button during homework.)

If you do not have homework for the night, you can always see Professor Smith in his office.

While viewing your HOMEWORK, you can view the Notes you have taken in class by pressing the A Button.

The following information should be available in your Notes:

-x and y equals x plus y

-x time y equals xy

-x divided by y equals x over y


I scratched my head and turned to the next page. That's when it got really weird.


Crunching Numbers

Some "numbers" can be crunched in certain directions.

Use the joystick to crunch these "numbers."

(You can also use the left, right, up, and down buttons.)

To perform long multiplication, press the X and Y Buttons while tapping the A Button repeatedly.

To perform long division, press the X and Y Buttons while tapping the B button repeatedly.


I could never understand Professor Smith's study guides. Or why he insisted on referring to them as "Playing Manuals." But Cindy always did, and that's why she was always Smith's class aid.

The bell rang and we poured out of the classroom. When I was walking down the hallway, I saw Kitana, my roommate Ned's conquest from the previous night, waving frantically at me. The pretty brunette seemed to share my sister's fondness for the color blue, and her dark brown hair was pulled back in a tight pony tail.

"Hi, Kitana," I said.

"Hi, Fred," she said, once again sounding a little out of breath. "Heading to class?"

"Just getting out of Advanced Algebra with Smith," I said. "You?"

"I'm on my way to my Chemistry 101, followed by my Eastern Philosophy class," she said. She reached into her backpack and then cussed.

"What's wrong?"

"I thought I had both textbooks with me, since the classes are back to back," Kitana said. "But I must have left my Eastern Philosophy textbook on the table in my dorm room. And my Chemistry 101 class is starting in three minutes. There's no way I can make it to my dorm and back again on time." She batted her big brown eyes at me. "Fred, can you do me a favor? Could you run and get my book for me, and then meet me here before my next class so I can get it from you?"

"I don't know, Kitana," I said. "I've never been in the girl's dorms before."

"It's okay," she said. "It's visiting hours right now. I'm in Room 1993. Here's the key to the dorm house." She dangled the shiny golden key from a pink ribbon in front of me. "Take the Key to the Girl's Dormitory. Yes or no?"

"I don't know," I said.

"Please, Fred!" Kitana said, letting her lips quiver a little bit.

"What's this textbook look like?" I asked.

"You'll know it when you see it," Kitana said. "It will be sitting on the table, and there will be a little blue light beaming off the surface on the cover."

"A little blue light? Why will there be a little blue light?"

Kitana's puppy dog eyes turned hard again.

"The miracle of modern technology," she said matter-of-factly. Then she put a hand on my shoulder and began gently massaging it. "Please, Fred, will you help me? Yes or no?"

This was a no-brainer if I ever heard one. Heck yes!

I took the Key to the Girl's Dormitory from Kitana and walked out into the courtyard.


As I approached the Girl's Dormitory I was filled with dread. I hadn't been in there before, even during visiting hours. I had to talk myself through the process.

"You are approaching a door," I said. "The cool breeze calms you a little bit."

I took a deep breath and used the key in the lock.

"You used the Key to the Girl's Dormitory. Discard it? Yes or no? No!"

I put the key back in my backpack.

I entered the building.

"The door to safety has shut behind you. There's no turning back . . . at least not until you've retrieved the textbook for your roommate's super hot girlfriend."

I examined a sign. It said:

^1000-1999

(0001-0999

I followed the sign up the stairs, carefully examining each of the steps as I made my way up the stairs. I always take time to appreciate the way stairs and doors look as I use them. I think I would be an architect if I hadn't already decided to be an accountant.

I tried the door at the top of the stairs but it was locked. I tried the Girl's Dormitory key in the lock, but to no avail. It was obvious I needed the key with the helmet insignia on it.

I went back down the stairs and found a custodian studying the door intently.

"The handle looks like it's about to break," he said. "Use it anyway? Yes or no?"

"Yes," I said, and twisted the handle. Then I went through the door.

I looked around. Luckily, there were no girls around. I just wanted to grab the textbook and leave as quickly as possible.

I saw a bright blue light on a table nearby. I realized the light was beaming off a key.

"Take the key?" I said to myself. "Yes or no? Yes!"

I examined the key and saw that it had the helmet insignia on it. Luckily, I had another slot open in my backpack. I went back to the door I had come through, but the door wasn't working anymore.

"You dumb kid!" the custodian said. "You broke the door. Come back a little later and I'll have that crappy door fixed for you."

I shrugged and made my way to the door on the other side of the room. Just then, a girl came out of a room nearby. She looked dead tired and was moaning. I ran through the door and shut it quickly behind me to avoid her.

I walked up the stairs, again taking the time to appreciate each individual step on my way up, and then used the helmet key on the door. I put it back in my backpack rather than discarding it then and there, planning on returning it to the table I had borrowed it from as soon as I was finished with my business here.

I made my way to Room 1993. I tried to open the door, but it was locked. In vain, I tried to open the door using the Girl's Dormitory key or the helmet key, but neither worked. I saw that Kitana's door has a sword insignia on it.

I continued down the hall, knocking on various doors. I was embarrassed, but I had to see if one of the other girls on Kitana's floor has a sword key. No one answered, but when I knocked on the door to Room 1999, the door swung open. I entered the room and saw a blue glint. It was another key, but when I tried to pick it up I realized I had no room left in my backpack.

I made my way back down the hall, through the door (which was still unlocked from when I used the helmet key), down the stairs (carefully studying each step. The design on the carpeting was great!), through the door (which was still unlocked), and back to the table I had acquired the key from, but I saw two girls sitting and eating some fast food from a takeout bag there, and I didn't want them to see me putting the key I had stolen back. So I went to the storage chest in the corner and discarded the helmet key there. I figured the girl who needed it would naturally look there, anyway.

I made my way once again through the door, up the stairs, through the door, and to the unlocked room. I picked up the key and studied it, realizing it was the sword key.

I used the sword key on Room 1999 and then placed it in my backpack. I examined the room thoroughly, even moving pieces of furniture across the room and climbing on top of them to get a better look around. The book was nowhere to be found. Kitana's dorm, like any other on campus, was suite styled, so that there was a bedroom on either side. I tried the door to the left, but it was locked. I realized I needed the key with the armor insignia to open it. I tried the door to the right, not really knowing which room was Kitana's. The door opened. I saw another blue glint in the corner of the room. When I got to it, I realized it was another key. There was no room in my backpack.

That's when Kitana's roommate woke up from her nap. She looked angry. She groggily grabbed me by the throat from behind and I had to struggle to get her off. When she fell to the floor, I ran out of the room.

I ran down the hall, through the door (studying the knots on the wooden panel intently), down the stairs (still paying attention to each step on the way down), through the other door (again appreciating the handiwork), past the sleepwalking female student, and back to the storage chest. I deposited the helmet key, as well as my Advanced Algebra textbook and a granola bar, knowing they'd reappear inside the storage chest in my own dorm room and not knowing if there'd be anything else of significance I needed to grab.

I made my way past the sleepwalker, through the door, up the stairs, through the other door, down the hall, into Room 1993, and back into Kitana's roommate's room. Kitana's roommate was still aggravated and began slugging me with a pillow. That shouldn't hurt, but she was hitting me repeatedly and hard. I tried to ignore her long enough to grab the key. I didn't take time to examine it this time. I just tossed it into my backpack. I saw another glint of blue light. It was a bottle of first aid spray. I figured I could always use an extra one of those and tossed it into my backpack.

I pushed my way past Kitana's roommate and back into the suite. For some reason, Kitana's roommate didn't come after me. It was like she was too tired to use the door handle. Or she was just constrained to the room.

I examined the key I'd picked up and saw that it was the armor key. I used the key on the door to Kitana's room. I saw a blue glint. Her Eastern Philosophy textbook was sitting on the top of her coffee table, just where she'd said it would be.

I carefully placed the textbook in my backpack and then made it out of the suite, down the hall, through the door (Have I mentioned the knots in the wood made a really cool design?), down the stairs (Have I mentioned how amazing the stairs looked?), through the other door, and to the storage chest. I tossed the armor and the sword keys inside. Then I ran to the door that had broken.

"I fixed this crappy door for you," the custodian said.

I thanked him and ran out.


Back outside of the door of my Advanced Algebra classroom, I used the can of medical spray I had acquired in Kitana's roommate's room to ease my headache. Finally, Kitana walked up. I handed her the Key to the Girl's Dormitory and her Eastern Philosophy textbook.

"Oh, Fred, you're so sweet," Kitana said. "But I just found out. My Eastern Philosophy professor's sick. Class has been cancelled for today."


A/N – To be continued, probably in September.