(If I) Lose It All

Author's Notes: I'm sorry this chapter took so long to get up. My dad had a heart attack and so I went home for the week to see him and help around the house. He's okay now, though. He's actually become almost like a legend around town, I guess. Usually someone who had a heart attack on Monday night would be in the ICU until Thursday still. My dad was moved out of ICU on Tuesday and released from the hospital on Wednesday. Doctors are amazed at his fast recovery, but say it's due to my dad recognizing warning signs immediately. He and my mom were at Wal-Mart when my dad felt his jaw starting to hurt. He told Mom to take him to the hospital... but he finished his shopping first, of course rolls eyes because that's how my dad is. So now people are talking about my dad who made sure he finished shopping before getting to the hospital for his heart attack. Anyways... that's my excuse for being late.

Oh... and please don't yell at me if the test isn't correct/accurate/or whatever... there's only so much I can find out on general information sites and I've never been in for a test myself.

Chapter Four

"The FDA... Food and Drug Administration... has actually approved a new test. It's much more accurate than the ELISA test. This new one actually looks for the presence of HIV instead of the body's reaction to-" the nurse was explaining everything to the two nervous cowboys in a cold looking office. The lights were bright fluorescent and gave a pale blue tone to everything, including the young nurse's pale blonde hair that she absently fiddled with.

"Now what... what's HIV?" Ennis asked, clueless about all of this.

"Well, HIV is the virus that causes one to eventually get AIDS."

"Wait so... this HIV is like... like a cold, right? And then AIDS is the- the symptoms?" Having two different names for basically the same thing just didn't make sense to him and he wanted everything explained as simply as possible.

The nurse bit her lip nervously, not wanting to stray from her rehearsed script. She looked pleadingly at Jack to explain her words to his partner, but all she received from him was a smirk of amusement.

"Um... well, yeah. I guess you could look at it like that, but that's really over-simplifying-"

"Listen, ma'am. We're sure you got a lot of things yer supposed to say, but we're really just interested in gettin' this over with. Dependin' on the results, then you can tell us all ya want or we could ask our nurse friend down south." Jack spoke up, trying to make this a little easier on the nurse as well as Ennis and himself.

"At least take the information pamphlets to read, please?" the nurse requested. The boys nodded and took the offered pamphlets. "Good. Now, when was the last time you engaged in sexual activity together?"

"Now wait a minute. Do we look queer to you?" Ennis stood up. He didn't mind if people knew about him and Jack, but he'd hate to think that he and Jack were starting to look and act like what he thought of as poofy queers.

"No... but you both came here for an AIDS test... together." The nurse explained her assumption. "Either way, I need to know. Have you been sexually active together?"

"Yes." Jack answered, pulling Ennis down back to his seat.

"When was the last time?"

"Last night."

"I don't like this. Why do ya gotta know such personal details like that?" Ennis never liked his personal life being exposed and this time wasn't any different.

"I need to know because if Jack's test is positive and yours if negative, then you'll have to be tested again... you did say that Jack was the one who might have been exposed by someone else right? Yes. Well it can sometimes take up to six months or even more for the virus to show up in tests. So you could still be positive and not know it."

"Oh..."

The nurse gave them a little bit more information and then she drew blood from each of them.

"That's it?"

"That's it. When you first came in, we got all the contact information we need from you. The results will be sent to you in the mail since you chose not to come back and meet with a counselor. So... you can go now, I guess."

Jack and Ennis both stood up and left the office. Ennis avoided looking at anyone in the waiting room, but Jack couldn't keep his eyes averted. He was drawn to the people waiting in the chairs. Some looked like any other person on the street, but some caught his attention. One man was dressed as a woman and being held in the arms of another man. He saw a woman and a child sitting together, the woman laughing with the child through the tears in her eyes. He saw a few people who looked like they were in the final throes of the disease... thin and pale, lesions on their skin, and a general aura of incoming death.

A shudder ran through Jack's body and he pushed Ennis to walk faster until they were outside.

"Let's go home." Jack said softly. Ennis nodded, and seeing the turmoil in Jack's eyes, un-self consciously put a comforting arm around his shoulder and lead him back to the car.

Francine woke up the sound of the doorbell chiming throughout the house. She waited to see if anybody who might be awake would answer it. When it chimed again, she threw back the blankets and ran downstairs.

"Junior! I missed you so much!" Francine squealed, seeing her sister when she opened the door. She had Nancy Grace in her arms and a diaper bag over her shoulder.

"Oh Francine, you look so beautiful!"

"Please, I just woke up."

"But you look normal... yer not all frizzy." Junior clarified, making Francine blush about her former style. She came in the house and shut the door.

"Where's Daddy and Jack?" Junior asked, taking off all the blankets and the baby snowsuit Nancy Grace was wearing.

"I dunno... maybe they ain't awake yet."

"Naw... the car is gone." Junior pointed out. Junior went into the kitchen to get a drink for herself and noticed a note stuck to the fridge. She read it on her way back to the living room where Junior and the baby were.

"Out of town... doesn't say where or what for. Do you know about anything they needed to do out of town?" Francine asked.

"Not aware of anythin' sorry. I was hopin' to catch them this morning, but oh well."

Just then, Bobby came down the stairs and collapsed in one of the chairs with a groan.

"Junior, this is Bobby... Jack's son. He's also spending his spring break here. He's a little hungover." Francine introduced.

"I ain't hungover... I don't get hangovers. I'm just sick."

"Denial ain't just a river in Egypt." Francine quipped.

"Huh?"

Junior giggled softly at the exchange. She'd never say it out loud, but sometimes she wished her sister was straight and had a boyfriend. It wasn't that she was against homosexuality. Her eager approval of Jack and her father was testament to that. She just wished her sister could experience all the joys of conceiving and giving birth to a child. She didn't see how that could happen with two girls.

She stayed and visited, letting Francine leave her at one point to shower and get dressed. Even Bobby's presence was fairly comfortable and he tried to act tough and play with the baby at the same time.

"Ennis..." Jack softly spoke up halfway home from the clinic. He was nervous, had been silent the whole ride so far and finally found the words for what he wanted to say.

"Hmm?"

"Just.. If my test comes back positive and yours doesn't, you don't have to-"

"Don't say it, Jack." Ennis gripped the steering wheel with white knuckles.

"But Ennis, you have to let me say-"

"No, I don't. I know what you're gonna say an' I ain't havin' none of it. Dammit, Jack. I love you an' I'm stayin' with you. Besides... if you got it, I more'n likely do anyways and we'll stick together." Ennis's face was pinched as he tried to keep his eyes dry. He didn't want to hear any of this and didn't want to think of it. He wanted to ignore the whole situation and maybe it would just go away and leave them be.

"Ennis, I saw those people-"

"Jack."

"I saw those people," Jack spoke louder, making sure he was heard over Ennis's protest. "I saw them, Ennis. I saw the ding and the ones that stayed with them. If I am positive and yer not.. I can't let you be dragged down by it. I don't want you to have to take care of me or see me like those dying people in there."

Ennis slammed on the breaks, thankful the freeway was practically empty, and pulled over to the side.

"I made a promise to myself last night. I'm gonna keep it if it's wrong or right." These few words spoke volumes. Ennis looked in Jack's eyes and let him know he meant it.

"I love you, Ennis. I'm sorry for all of this." Jack was fighting a losing battle with his emotions and the floodgates opened up, letting the tears fall down.

"No I... if I..." Ennis took a breath. He so often had trouble finding the right words for his feelings and thoughts. He took Jack's hands in his own. "If I'd been brave enough to stand with you from the beginning, you... you never woulda felt the need to- to... ya know..." He shrugged, unable to actually say what Jack had done to get them in this situation. "What's done is done... no use dwelling on it."

He took his hands away from Jack and pulled back onto the road. As he drove, Jack put his hand on Ennis's leg, squeezing gently with affection.

When they got home, they saw Junior's car at the house and inside they were happy to see all three of their kids getting along. Jack was glad that even if his song didn't like him or Ennis, he still got along with Francine and Junior for the most part.

"Hey Daddy, where you guys been?" Junior asked, hefting Nancy Grace up and bouncing her.

"Oh ya know... business stuff... fer the marsh." He answered as Jack quickly went and put their information pamphlets in the desk by the window before anyone saw them.

"Okay... here. Ya wanna hold Nancy?" She started to hand the baby to Ennis, but he backed up suddenly.

"No. Uh... no..." He mumbled, resting a hand on the back of his neck. Junior looked at him, confused and a little taken aback. He'd never given up a chance to be closer to his grand daughter.

Jack came to his rescue.

"He woke up with a little bit of a cold.. Ya know, don't wanna get our Lucky Star sick." He smiled.

"Oh yeah... that wouldn't be good." Back to her happy self, she started to hand the baby to Jack.

"No... in case I might come down with the same cold. Better safe than sorry." He knew his excuse wasn't smooth and all three of the kids were looking at the two men strangely.

Jack could feel the heated embarrassment radiating from his lover. The nurse had explained the ways that HIV could be transmitted and each man knew logically that they were safe from giving it to the baby... but that didn't stop the illogical fear that both felt about their loved ones safety.

That night Jack was sitting in their bed wile Ennis stripped off his jeans and shirt. It had been a quiet night, neither man wanting to discuss it and both of them feeling anxious about how the results would turn out.

Ennis crawled in and leaned over Jack, trying to engage him in a little foreplay. Jack shoved him off.

"Ennis, weren't you listening to the nurse at all today?" He lectured.

"Yeah so.. If I ain't already.. Ya know... I'm willin' to risk it for you."

"Well, I'm not."

Ennis tried to kiss Jack and Jack turned his head, giving Ennis the cheek."

"C'mon, can't we even kiss?" Ennis complained.

"Now, you have an wound on your lip."

"From you!"

"Ennis... yer such a fuckass." Jack sighed, bringing a chuckle from the other man.

"Did you just call me a fuckass?"

"Yeah. What are ya gonna do about it?" Jack challenged.

"Absolutely nothin'... since it ain't allowed an' all." Ennis smirked and brought the blanket up to his body and layed down. He tugged Jack down beside him.

"C'mon... I know there ain't no harm in layin' t'gether." Lay with me." Ennis said, calming down. He'd learned over the year that it was okay to just cuddle and there wasn't anything un-manly about it. So if that was the only way he could be intimate with Jack, he wanted it. He got Jack down and wrapped his arms around him almost protectively.

"Love you, Rodeo... forever."

End chapter