(7/04/01 — 7/05/01) Episode #4: A Little Re-Wiring

CHARACTERS:

JESSE

JAMES

NEKO-CHAN

GALAXIA

MEOWTH

CHAN-SAW

E. BEAR

BUTCH

CASSIDY

ARBOK

RAICHU

FLAREON

The BOSS

The Boss's PERSIAN

MONDO, Team Rocket Elite's 'Special Delivery Member Trainee' [*Note: not my creation]

a Swedish YODELER

a DESK CLERK from the Assignment Placement Division at Team Rocket

Moses/'Charleton Heston'

KIOSUKE: otherwise known as KIO; another Rocket cadet—cocky and brash, a good-looking man with marine-green hair and gold eyes, about 19 years-old

a VOICE RECORDING high-tech security system, otherwise known as VERSION 6.0

some GUARDS, high-security light-sensitive robots, a swarm of locusts, some Japanese peasants, some angry samurai, and…and…that's all.  (Phew.)

Scene I

(Team Rocket headquarters; Jesse, James, Galaxia and Neko-chan are standing outside a door marked 'Room 213: Assignment Placement Division'…)

JAMES: (sighs) So much for vacation…

NEKO: (upset) I can't believe this!  So we don't answer the bloody phone a few times—big deal!  Why'd he have to cut our vacation short?!

GALAXIA: Well, it was pretty long anyway…Shouldn't we go in?

JESSE: (ignoring her and looking nervous) I wonder what kind of assignments the Boss has in store for us?

JAMES: (sharing a nervous glance w/Jesse) Do you think he'll send us after Pikachu again?

JESSE: (shaking) James, don't be pessimistic!

GALAXIA: Maybe we should go in and get it over with…?

NEKO: (squaring her shoulders) Okay, crew!  Enough blubbering!  Let's just get in there, and find out what horrible, unmentionable assignments he's put us up to!

(There is a moment of tense silence, and then all four burst into frightened hysterics)

JAMES: Mommy!

JESSE: (gathering her courage) Okay, you guys, cut it out!  The Boss is just trying to…scare us, after all.

JAMES: (sniffling) Well he's doing a good job of it!  (Jesse gives him a mild blow to the head)

NEKO: (equally steadfast) Right, Jess!  Just playing us.  (makes as if to go in, but freezes) Galaxia, you go first.

GALAXIA: (terrified) No way!

JESSE: (shoving James) You go, James!  You're brave!

JAMES: NO I'M NOT!!

NEKO: Oh no, we can't go in there!  Look!  It's room 213!

JESSE: Yeah.  So?

NEKO: Hello?  Room 213?  Only the most evil-concentrated room in the Overlook Hotel!

GALAXIA: Huh?

NEKO: You know!  'Redrum, redrum!!'  (hysterical) I REFUSE TO GO IN THERE!!

JAMES: I think Neko reads too much…

NEKO: (paranoid) Agh!  Did you hear that?  It's the lady in the bathtub!!

JESSE: Neko, I think you need to be dropped off at the medical ward as soon as we're done here.

NEKO: (haunted look) Redrum…redrum…redrum…

GALAXIA: (reaching for the doorknob) Okay, I think I'm more scared of Neko now, so I'm just gonna' go inside…

(They all enter, Jesse having to physically drag a spastic Neko inside)

JAMES: (nervously) It's…not so scary.

JESSE: Don't jinx us.

DESK CLERK: (dryly) Names?

JAMES: Uh…Bob?

JESSE: (quickly) And Susie!

NEKO: Princess Louisa-Francesca Contessa-May Banna-fanna Alloesca, but you can call me 'Dot'.

GALAXIA: God.

DESK CLERK: (unfazed) Real names?

(They all grudgingly give him their names)

DESK CLERK: Ah, yes!  The…um…Elite team and cadets.  (scans his sheet) Lessee…Jesse and James?

J&J: Yes?

DESK CLERK: It says here that you are to report directly to the Boss's office for specific instructions.  New detail.

(Both gulp nervously)

DESK CLERK: (ignoring their terror) You—cadets?  Neko and Galaxia?

BOTH: Yeah?

DESK CLERK: You are to report to training headquarters where you will receive further training instructions, due to the fact that—and I quote—"your current trainers are incompetent, nincompoops"—end quote—whereupon release (upon approved inspection of abilities as proper Team members) you will be assigned to your new partners.

(…And cue the stunned silence)

NEKO: (low voice) What?

GALAXIA: (close to tears) Sir, I don't like this assignment…!

NEKO: (furious) Why are we being removed from Jesse and James' care?!

DESK CLERK: (reading his sheet) "Because your current trainers are incompetent nin—"

NEKO: I HEARD THAT PART!

JESSE: (whispering) Jeez, rub it in, why doesn't he?

(James merely manages a tiny, pathetic noise of disapproval)

GALAXIA: (panicking) But Jesse and James are suppose to train us!

DESK CLERK: And apparently His Superior Mightiness, Oh-Ruler of All Team Rocket has decided otherwise.

NEKO: (grumbling darkly) …Oh Gigantic Poopy-Pants-ed-ness One…

JESSE: There must be a mistake!  Surely the Boss wouldn't—

JAMES: Oh, he would.

NEKO: (enraged) And he'd do it with a happy face!

DESK CLERK: (glancing idly at his notes) Oh, well look at that.  He did.  (smiling dryly) Very pro-work ethic, if I must say.

(Neko dives across the desk and grabs the little man by the collar)

NEKO: I demand to see the Boss as well!!

DESK CLERK: (flatly) I'm sorry, but I can't do that.  Now please let go of my shirt before I have you transferred to Dept. 116: Care of Feral Pokémon.

(Neko drops him hastily)

DESK CLERK: (dusting himself off) Now, if you wouldn't mind, I have a list of other members I must attend to, so I'd suggest you all toddle along to your assignments, then.

NEKO: Stuff-shirt bastard!

DESK CLERK: Oh my, now where is that number again?

NEKO: (growl) Oh, forget it!  (under breath) Lower management—hunh!

(All four leave the room, looking stricken and dejected.  Except for Neko, who continues to stew angrily)

JAMES: (tiny voice) Guess the Boss was really mad.

GALAXIA: Yeah, guess so.  (sniff)

JESSE: This is ridiculous!  He can't break us apart!  We're a team now!  We've been working together for…well, it wasn't quite so long but it was interesting.

NEKO: Yeah!  God damnit, we bought groceries together!

JAMES: And grilled burgers together!

JESSE: We've outsmarted Black Ninjas—

GALAXIA: And drunken ducks—

JAMES: Photo clerks—

NEKO: Huh?

GALAXIA: And lecherous pizza delivery boys!

JESSE: Right!

NEKO: They can't tear us apart now!  Not when we've become such an unstoppable weapon of apocalyptic power!

JAMES: (tapping her shoulder) Uh, Neko?  Getting carried away.

NEKO: Oh.  Sorry.

GALAXIA: (bursting into tears) This is so unfair!

NEKO: I think I'm gonna' quit.

OTHERS: Neko-chan!

NEKO: Just kidding.  (angry again) But I'm really pissed!

JESSE: Join the club!

JAMES: Nothing new there.  Jesse's like, perpetually pissed.

JESSE: (hitting him) James, koishíi, shut up.

GALAXIA: Well, since this might well be goodbye for some time, I say we go for burgers before the intended death sentence.

JAMES: Ooh, food!

NEKO: Why is he so easily diverted?

JESSE: Man may never know.  How about we get some lattes as well?  Sound good?

NEKO: Woo-hoo!  COFFEE!!

GALAXIA: And she was saying?

JESSE: (sigh) Come on.  Let's just get these two to a diner before they drown us in drool…

Scene II

(Inside the Boss's office…)

CASSIDY: (whispering to Butch) I can't believe the Boss is taking us up on that offer I made him over a month ago!  This is horrible!

BUTCH: (scowling) Well don't look at me!  You're the one who made it!

CASSIDY: It was a ploy to sabotage them, moron, not to ruin our own futures!  (moan) Oh God, we're doomed now!  We'll never make it to Elite, and it will be all those two blockheads' faults!  The idiocy!

BUTCH: Hey, does this mean we aren't on Hot Wheels duty anymore?

CASSIDY: Of course we won't be, Butch!  And Amen to that…  Now be quiet so I don't have to listen to anymore of your idiotic babble.

BUTCH: (sigh) Oh, but I liked Hot Wheel duty.  Damn.

CASSIDY: (hitting him) I said quiet, half-wit!

BUTCH: Ow!

(The door opens a crack and the Boss's Persian saunters in, giving the two Rockets a hungry glare)

BUTCH: (nervously) …Nice kitty…

CASSIDY: (to the Persian) Oh, what are you glaring at?  Beat it.

(The cat sniffs distastefully and walks back out)

CASSIDY: (derisive) Mangy feline.

BOSS: (entering behind them) What was that, Cassidy?

(Both jump in terror)

CASSIDY: Uh, nothing, sir!  Just…mumbling to myself!

BOSS: Hmmm…mumbling to oneself is a sign of mental instability…

CASSIDY: (nervous laugh) Ah…well, not quite mumbling, sir…but…you see…I think that I…

BOSS: Oh, shut up, you lay-about grunt work!  Now, as you know, I've brought you both here to meet with your new Team members, which should be arriving any minute now, I might add.  (grumbling) Now where is that damn cat of mine?

CASSIDY: Uh…

BUTCH: Is he supposed to be our new partner?

(The Boss ignores him while Cassidy gives him a rough kick to the shins)

BUTCH: Ow!

BOSS: Oh, never mind!  (seats himself) Now, we'll get started as soon as those three arrive.

(glares angrily at the clock) WELL?!  WHERE ARE THEY, GOD DAMNIT?!

CASSIDY: Errr…

BUTCH: (whimper) Sir, may I have a Band-Aid?

BOSS: Certainly not!  Have you no stamina, you waste-of-perfect-oxygen-filth-magnet?!

BUTCH: Uh…What was the question again?

BOSS: (irritated sigh) Oh, very well.  Have a Band-Aid!  (hands him a Band-Aid with little smiley faces on it)

BUTCH: Ooh!  Smileys!

(Jesse and James suddenly rush into the room, looking terrified and breathless.  They straighten stiffly and give the Boss quick, apologetic bows)

J&J: Sorry, sir!  Sorry we're late!  It won't happen again!!

BOSS: IT HAD BETTER NOT, YOU NITWITS, OR YOU'LL BE KISSING THE CURB!!  (calming himself) Now…care for a lemon drop?

(Both decline, giving him weird looks, and take their seats across from Butch and Cassidy)

(Both Teams gasp suddenly, as if just realizing the others' presence, and glare fiercely at one another)

JESSE: Cassidy.

CASSIDY: Jesse…

BUTCH: James!

JAMES: Botch…

BUTCH: Hey, it's Butch, dumbass!

JAMES: Sorry.

BOSS: Aw, you all know each other!  (angry pout) Does nobody want a lemon drop?

JESSE: (pointing angrily at Cassidy) What are you doing here?

CASSIDY: I believe, the same thing you are doing here, Jessica.  Or haven't you figured it out yet?

JESSE: (slightly apprehensive) Figured what out?

JAMES: What are we doing here?  (eep) I think I forgot my doggie bag at the restaurant!

BUTCH: Is this some sort of giant game of Clue?

BOSS: (losing his temper) YOU IMBECILES!!  YOU ARE BEING PARTNERED TOGETHER!!  HAVE YOU NO SENSE OF LOGIC?!

BUTCH: Err…Can I have the question repeated?

JESSE: (horrified) Partnered together?

JAMES: (equally horrified) With Botch?!

BUTCH: It's BUTCH!!

CASSIDY: (looking disgusted) Yes, partnered together.  I suggested that we may…benefit one another if partnered together, and the Boss decided to give it a try.  (she pauses darkly) Unfortunately.

BUTCH: (confidentially) Talk about stupid, huh?

(Cassidy left-hooks him while Jesse and James exchange stricken glances)

JAMES: Pinch me!  I really need to wake up now!

JESSE: I think we're going to need more than a pinch to get out of this, James…

BOSS: So, now that we're all getting along, let's get to your assignment!

(Looks up to see Jesse and Cassidy duking it out and James and Butch having a catfight in the corner)

BOSS: (losing his temper again) I said, NOW THAT WE'RE ALL GETTING ALONG!!

(They cease fighting and scurry hastily for their seats)

BOSS: (sighing loudly) Where is that damn Persian?

Scene III

(We once again join Meowth-tachi in the ancient swamp-forests of prehistoric earth…)

CHAN-SAW: (stomach growling) Is anyone else here STARVING?

E. BEAR: (slightly crazed) Do you smell burritos?  'Cuz—huh, huh—I swear I smell burritos!

MEOWTH: (panicky) We have got to find a way outta' here!  First Chan-saw an' now E. Bear!  Next I'm gonna' be da one dat's delusional!

CHAN-SAW: You're always delusional!

MEOWTH: AGGHH!!  Make it stop!!

(Scene cuts to Arbok, Raichu and a paranoid-looking Flareon playing Ping-Pong in the backyard of Team Rocket's Hideout)

ARBOK: (pausing thoughtfully) Huh.

RAICHU: What?  You look all…deep 'n stuff, y'know.

ARBOK: (hissing dismissively) Oh, it's nothing.  It just occurred to me, though.

FLAREON: (glancing about furtively) What occurred to you?  (jumps nervously) Was that a footstep?

ARBOK: That it has been several days since I've seen either Meowth, Chan-saw, or Evil Bear-mon.  In fact, I think it has been almost two weeks now.

RAICHU: Huh, really?  Imagine that.

(They all go back to playing)

FLAREON: There it is again!  It's Galaxia!  Hide me!  (dives under the table)

ARBOK: You know, another thing just occurred to me as well.

RAICHU: And what is that?

ARBOK: That I am playing PING-PONG WITH A BUNCH OF DELUSIONAL FREAKS NOT WORTHY OF MY PLANS FOR WORLD DOMINATION!!  (throws his paddle and glides away angrily)

RAICHU: Hunh!  Well delusional yourself, you overgrown garden hose.

(Back to the primordial swamp thing…)

NEKO: Uh, Galaxia…what are we doing in this primordial swamp?

GALAXIA: …Well…(looking in confusion at a map) I thought I followed the map right…

(Whoops.  Wrong characters)

MEOWTH: Do you ever get the feelin' you're bein' played?

E. BEAR: All the time.

MEOWTH: Just asking.

CHAN-SAW: You wanna' give the time machine another shot?

MEOWTH: We lost da time machine, lamebrain!

CHAN-SAW: No, you did!  (hits him with her chainsaw)

MEOWTH: OW!!  Knock it off!

CHAN-SAW: Not until you get us out of here!  You're responsible, so fix it!

E. BEAR: Haven't we been over this before?  I'm gonna' look for edibles…

MEOWTH: Hey, wait a second!  I just got an idea!  (grabs Chan-saw's chainsaw)

CHAN-SAW: Hey!

E. BEAR: What?  If this involves you murdering us with that chainsaw, then I'm not helping.

MEOWTH: No, moron.  If I can figure out da correct configurations, we might be able to hot-wire dis baby into a makeshift time machine!

E. BEAR: Oh man, why didn't I think of that?

MEOWTH: Because you're stupid.

CHAN-SAW: Not my chainsaw, you're not!  (grabs it from Meowth)

MEOWTH: Chan-saw, quit bein' stupid and give me back da chainsaw.

CHAN-SAW: No!  Get your own!  I've lost my chainsaw way too many times—I'm not going to lose another one!

E. BEAR: Oh, get a grip, Chan-saw!  Why're you so obsessed with that stupid power tool anyway?

CHAN-SAW: (sighing dreamily) Because it's beautiful!  (turning scary) AND IT'S SHARP AND DEADLY AND YOU CAN CHOP THINGS WITH IT!!!  (insane giggling)

E. BEAR: Err… (seriously disturbed)

MEOWTH: You need to get a new hobby.  (grabs the chainsaw again) Now quit mopin'!  We need dis ta get outta' here, so you'll just have ta make da sacrifice!

CHAN-SAW: If you hurt her, I'll HUNT YOU DOWN WITH HER!!

E. BEAR: It's a 'she'?

MEOWTH: Alright already!  (rolling his eyes) Sheesh!  Anyone got duct tape?

Scene IV

(We now join a Swedish yodeler in the Swiss Alps…)

YODELER: RIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII—COOOOOLLLLAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!  (gasps from lack of oxygen and tumbles headfirst off the mountain)

(Okay now, back to the story)

(Right, so now we find ourselves at the Team Rocket training grounds…)

NEKO: Otherwise known as 'Hell on Turf'.

GALAXIA: Oh my God!  Is that a man…or a woman?

NEKO: I think it's a combination of both.  Hard to tell with all those disgustingly massive muscles and sinew.

GALAXIA: We're not going to be someone's bitches, are we?

NEKO: Not if you shut up and sneak out with me before we can.

(Both start sneaking away and accidentally bump into someone)

GALAXIA: Oh!  Sorry!

MONDO: (smiling) It's no problem.  Hey!  I recognize you!

NEKO: (haggard) No, she was not on the cover of Kohl's, if that's what you're thinking.

MONDO: (confused) Oh, well…no.  Aren't you those cadets that were assigned to Jesse and James-san?

NEKO: Uh, yeah?  How'd you know?

MONDO: (beaming) I am their Special Delivery Member Trainee!  (hugging them insanely) They have told me so much about you!  I am honored!

NEKO: Uh, thanks.  Are you high?

GALAXIA: Strange.  They've never mentioned you.

MONDO: (recovering himself) Oh, that is because Jesse and James-san are quite embarrassed of my help to them.  They are such brilliant Team members!  I merely try my hardest to impress and earn their respect, and do not truly aid them enough for their kindness!

GALAXIA: You talk strange.

MONDO: Thank you so much!  You must be Miss Galaxia.

GALAXIA: Uh-huh.  This is my best friend Neko.

MONDO: (grinning excitedly) Yes, yes!  Honored to meet you Miss Neko!  You much remind me of Miss Jesse!

NEKO: (eyebrow twitching) Yeah?  And how's that?

MONDO: You share her vibrant personality and strong character, as well as her charming looks!

NEKO: Oh.  (grinning cattily and throwing an arm over his shoulders) I think I'm starting to like this guy!

GALAXIA: What about me?

(Suddenly a whistle blows)

MONDO: Oh dear!  So sorry, ladies!  I must be off to the aide training grounds!

NEKO: Wait!  Can you tell us where we're supposed to go?

MONDO: Over there.  The head trainers should be able to assist you.

GALAXIA: Thanks.

(Both head in the indicated direction)

NEKO: Which ones are the head trainers?

GALAXIA: Probably the ones with the whistles.

(A guy in an all-black cadet's uniform turns in the crowd, blinking upon seeing the two Rockettes)

GUY: Hey, you girls new?

NEKO: (defensively) Kinda'.  What's it to ya?

GUY: You just looked like you could use some help.

NEKO: (embarrassed) Um, thanks.

GALAXIA: (flirtatiously) I'm Galaxia.  This grouch is Neko.

NEKO: Hey!  I am not a grouch!

GUY: Kiosuke, but most just call me Kio.  (sly grin) It's okay.  I like tough girls.

NEKO: Hey, look, Kio, Galaxia and I don't need your kind of help, so why don't you just beat it?

GALAXIA: Neko, don't be such a priss!  Of course we'd like the help!

KIO: (ignoring Galaxia and smirking teasingly at Neko) Ooh, kitty's got claws!  So sorry for offering.  (starts to drift away) I'm sure you'll figure out the drill after a few run-ins with the Lady Bull…

NEKO: (looking uneasy) Uh…wait!  What's this…Lady Bull?

KIO: (real casual) Oh, just the women's overall head trainer.  Nothing to worry about.  Now, since you don't want my help…

NEKO: (grabbing his collar angrily) Listen, buster, when I say I don't need your help, you'll know it!  Now tell us more about this chick…

GALAXIA: (sighing loudly) Well, not the best methods, but at least she's…cooperating.  Sort of.

KIO: (sarcastically) Not exactly my idea of the start of a beautiful relationship…

NEKO: Oh, shut up and spill!

Scene V

(Cerulean City a few days later.  Jesse and James are positioned outside a large warehouse, hidden in the bushes)

JESSE: This is the stupidest idea in the world!  I can't believe we're on this stupid mission!

JAMES: Just calm down, Jesse.  I'm sure Butch and Cassidy will pull this off right.  (shivering nervously) Otherwise the Boss will skin us all alive.

JESSE: (grumping sourly) Well I wish we had Meowth with us.  I'd feel a lot better with him as back-up.  An extra member would give us an advantage against those two conniving rats!

JAMES: (sidling closer) At least it means we're alone, though.

JESSE: (impishly) How much longer till we have to hit the place?

JAMES: (wrapping his arms around her) About an hour.  (nuzzles her neck)

[Author's Input: Oh blech!  Gross!  Knock it off!]

JESSE: (looking about) What was that?

JAMES: (grumpy) Aw, who cares!  We haven't done anything for days, what with those two morons constantly around!

JESSE: (groan) Oh, don't remind me!

(She grabs him roughly by the collar and they commence to make-out rather wildly for the next half-hour)

[Back to less revolting things…]

BUTCH: Hey sis, what do you think those two morons are up to?

CASSIDY: Oh, probably off groping somewhere in the bushes!  Quit bothering me, Butch!

BUTCH: Blech.  Disturbing images.  (shaking himself)  Do you think they'll pull it off?

CASSIDY: What, their clothes?

BUTCH: (revolted) AGH, NO!!  More images!

CASSIDY: (eye roll) Oh, you mean the plan.  (dangerously) They'd better, if they want to keep their heads.  The Boss is counting on us pulling this thing off, or we'll all be off the payroll!  Including us.  They can't afford to screw up, and neither can we.

BUTCH: (sarcastic) Well, thanks for the support.

CASSIDY: Shut up, Butch.  Just help me finish these wirings.

(Back with Team Make-out)

JESSE: I can't wait 'till this stupid mission is over.

JAMES: Me too.  (pause) I hope those two know what they're doing.

JESSE: (grumbling) Probably hot-wiring the place to explode when we set foot in the door.

JAMES: Eep!  Jesse, let's run away!  We could change our names!  Become grocers!

JESSE: James, get a grip!  Besides, why would we want a lame job like that?

JAMES: Incongruous?

JESSE: Hmm, true.  Hey, where'd you get a big word like that?

JAMES: (cheerily) I've been studying the dictionary so as to better my vocabulary and appear less ignorant!  (pulls out a large dictionary and flips open a page) Jesse, koishíi, you are very—resplendent.

JESSE: (groan) Why couldn't I have a normal boyfriend?

JAMES: Hey, let's look up big words to call Butch and Cassidy so they don't know what we're calling them!

JESSE: (lighting up) Ooh, good idea!  Look up…harlot.  I want to see if there are any other forms of that.

[Author's Input: Is this how they spend they're free time?]

(Let's go again to that snow-covered mountaintop in the Swiss Alps, where the unfortunate Swedish yodeler continues to tumble to his inevitable death…)

YODELER: HELLL—(whomp)—LLLLLP!!!  OOOO—(wham)—OOWW!!  AAAAIIIIIEEEEE—(wham, bang, smash)—IIIIEEEE!!!!!

[Well, that's not much more interesting, is it?]

YODELER: MOOMMMIIIIIIIIIEEE!!!

(Scene cut back to our heroes…)

JESSE: James, there's the signal!  It's show time!

JAMES: (whine) But Jess, I'm not finished with the 'L' section—(Jesse cuts him off with a whack to the head) Owwie!

JESSE: Come on, rocks-for-brains!

JAMES: (tut-tutting) Must we always use violence?

(Jesse hits him again and they both head towards the back door of the warehouse)

JESSE: (tapping the security camera nervously) Think it's off?

JAMES: (wiggling) I don't know!  Let's just go inside!  I have to go to the bathroom!

JESSE: (rolls her eyes) Oh, James…(sighs and enters, followed by James)

JAMES: Ouch!  Jesse, move over!  I can't move in here!

JESSE: Well turn the flashlight on, idiot!

JAMES: Flashlight?  I thought you had the flashlight?

JESSE: WHAT?!  James, don't tell me you—

CASSIDY: (from somewhere in the darkness) Oh, would you both quit bickering and get over here!

BUTCH: (muttering) Morons.

JAMES: (muttering to Jesse) Slave driver.  (Jesse nods, though James can't see it)

(Cassidy flicks her flashlight on, illuminating the interior of the warehouse)

CASSIDY: Alright, we'll split up again.  Butch, give Jesse your flashlight.  Now, Jesse, you 'n your partner take care of the guards down the right corridor while Butch and I hit the upper storage compartments—

JESSE: Wait a second!  You guys take the guards, James and I will get the loot!  You're not the boss around here, Cassidy!

CASSIDY: Well, I'm certainly the only one here qualified for the position.  Just do it—

BUTCH: Hey, who says you get to be boss, sis?

CASSIDY: Shut up, Butch.  I don't need your crap as well.

JAMES: Yeah, well Butch is right!  Who died and made you queen?

CASSIDY: (rolling her eyes) I can only wish…Shut up, pansy.

JESSE: Hey, who are you calling a pansy, you old troll?!  Seems to me you just think you can waltz in and take over this mission without any say-so from the rest of us.

JAMES: Yeah!

BUTCH: Uh-huh!

CASSIDY: (glaring at Butch) You turning on me, Butch?  (Butch looks timid) I thought so.  Just shut up and let me take care of these two.

JESSE: (icily) If I remember correctly, none of us are going to make it out of this mission with our jobs if we don't work together and pull this off right.  So I suggest you back down, Cassidy, and let the rest of us take charge.

CASSIDY: (snidely) What's with the sudden willingness to share, Jessica?  Never seemed one for fairness before.

JESSE: (insulted) Maybe it's your own added penchant for cruelty that blinds you, Cassidy.

CASSIDY: My, big words, Jess!  Been studying the dictionary?

JAMES: As a matter of fact—

JESSE: (blushing angrily) Shut up, James.

BUTCH: (nervously) Um…guys…I think we're attracting a little attention…

ALL: SHUT UP, BUTCH!!

(Suddenly, they can hear running in the dark)

GUARD'S VOICE: Hey, what's going on in here?!

2ND GUARD: Someone pull the alarms—we've got intruders!

CASSIDY: Oh shi—

JESSE: Shut up and run!

(They all make a break for it)

JAMES: Wait, Jesse!  I still have to go to the bathroom!

JESSE: James, would you please shut—

BUTCH: Hey, watch it!

JESSE: Well get out of my way, you—hey!

CASSIDY: Well how'm I suppose to see anything in this darkness!

JESSE: Oh, you did that on purpose, you har—

BUTCH: OUCH!!  That was me you hit, moron!

CASSIDY: (low hiss) Both of you shut up, they'll hear us!

JESSE: Ouch!  James, you're standing on my foot!

BUTCH: I'm not James!

CASSIDY: Both of you shut u—

JESSE: Wait a second, where's James?

(Down another corridor)

JAMES: (terrified whisper) Jesse?  Guys?  ANYONE?!  (clamps a hand over his mouth) Eep.  Okay, just calm down, James.  I'm sure they're around here somew—

(He's cut off as he turns hastily and slams face-first into a door)

JAMES: Owwie.  (rubs his nose)  Hey!  This is the door to the stairs!  (evil grin) Heh, heh!  If I manage to retrieve the target while they're all bumbling around in the dark, I'll be a hero!  (thoughtful look) Or, they'll all just really hate me…more than usual.

(Shrugs and slips upstairs)

[Author's Note: The guards—being complete and utter idiots—aren't even guarding this section of the warehouse.  In fact, the majority of them are in the break room playing Bingo]

[Back to the story…]

JAMES: Ouch!!  (whimper) Damnit, I wish I had a flashlight!  (angrily) Aw, never mind!  Maybe there's still a light switch around here that those morons didn't cut!  (feeling around for a light switch)  Ah!  Here's one, I thi—

(The room is suddenly bright with neon lights, as a recording of a tipper-tape band begins to play quite noisily and tunelessly)

JAMES: WHAT THE…?!!?

VOICE RECORDING: Thank you for choosing Warehouse Number 9930961 for all your burglarizing needs.  We hope you've enjoyed your stay, and we wish you a safe and happy trip to the nearest high-security prison facilities, as well as—

JAMES: What kind of security system is this?!

VOICE RECORDING: (pausing to answer him) Why, the most technologically and user-friendly advanced, Mr. burglar, sir!  Now, if you don't mind, these friendly light-sensitive destroyer security robots will happily harass and maim you, for the ultimate burglarizing experience.  Please remove all automatic weaponry from your person and—

JAMES: AAAAAAGGGGGHHHHH!!!!

VOICE REC.: (happily) That's the spirit, sir!

(Half a dozen nasty-looking security bots advance on James, array of weapons trained on him)

BOT 1: Cease and desist, scumbag!

BOT 2: This will be your resting place for daring to enter these premises!

BOT 3:  Please run—it makes it so much more fun!

BOT 4:  There is no escape!

JAMES: WAIT A SECOND, WAIT A SECOND!!  I'M NOT A BURGLAR!!

VOICE REC.: (hesitant) You're…not?  (cheerily) No, you must be, sir!  Why else would you set off the burglarizing security system?

JAMES: I…thought it was a light switch.

VOICE REC.: (hesitant once more) Oh…I—see.  (sigh) Okay, back off boys!

(The bots back off, Bot #1 complaining loudly)

BOT 1: No!!  The thieving scum must not escape here alive!  You will die, filthy scum!  Scurvy cur!!  Kill, men, kill!!

VOICE REC.: (sounding tired) Boys, make sure the general's repaired properly again.  (to James) So, if you're not a thief…(cheery again) How can I assist you in the best way possible, sir?

JAMES: (disturbed) Er…

VOICE REC.: Could I possibly help you to the extremely valuable contents of security box D15?  Or perhaps the nuclear weapons silo in security box A19?

JAMES: …uh…(shakes himself, an evil gleam in his eyes) Um, could you possibly show me to the security box containing the rarest most valuable Pokémon?

VOICE REC.: (sigh) Oh, that…Are you sure you don't wish to try a more…interesting box, sir?  Perhaps box F09, which contains the Pokémon Tournament Cups for the next ten years?  Or there's a very nice heap of rare and stolen jewels in box N23.

JAMES: (sorely tempted) Um…maybe later.  First show me to the Pokémon.  (grin) Please.

VOICE REC.: (cheery) As you wish, sir!  Please, follow the cascading lights! …

Scene VI

(Way back in ancient times…)

CHAN-SAW: Hey, it worked!  We're out of the dinosaur swamps!

E. BEAR: How did we get to Egypt?

MEOWTH: How should I know?  Maybe da stupid thing's wired wrong.  (shakes the chainsaw/makeshift time machine angrily)  Huh.

CHAN-SAW: Stop it!  Stop it—you're gonna' break her!!

E. BEAR: Ooh, look at the pyramids.  Cool.  …  I wanna' go home now.

MEOWTH: I'm tryin', furrbrain!  (muttering) Now how did this thing work again?

CHAN-SAW: (furious) Stop—shakin'—it!!  (dives on Meowth with bloodlust in her eyes)

MEOWTH: YAAAGGHH!!  Back off, Chan-saw!!

E. BEAR: (ignoring them) Do you think there are cars yet?  I wonder if we're near some ancient civilization.

MEOWTH: Ow—yeoooww!!  Don't pull my whiskers!

CHAN-SAW: Give me back—my—chainsaw—loudmouth!!

MEOWTH: No!  We need it to—Chan-saw, cut it out!!

E. BEAR: Hey, is that the Nile?  (wanders off)

(…and once again we wander to that faraway mountaintop, where the unfortunate Swedish yodeler continues his doomed descent…)

YODELER: YODELLLLAAAAA—ow!—HEEEEEHOOOOO—OUCH!!—EEEEEEAAAAAIIIEEE!!!

[Author's Input: …Uh…??]

YODELER: THIS SUUUUUUCCCKKKSSS!!!  RIIIIIICCCOOOOLLLAA!!!

[Somebody make this crap stop!!]

(Back to the story, I guess…)

CHAN-SAW: Stop—biting—me!!  Give it—here!

MEOWTH: (growl) Leggo!!  Yeouch!  Agh, cut it out!

E. BEAR: Hey, you guys?  There's a big brown cloud coming this way.

MEOWTH: Hunh?

CHAN-SAW: Jerk!  (whacks Meowth and grabs the chainsaw)

MEOWTH: (not noticing) Hey, what's dat?

CHAN-SAW: (noticing the cloud) Looks like…

E. BEAR: Locusts!

MEOWTH: Oh, don't tell me we're—

CHAN-SAW: SHUT UP 'N RUN!!!

(All three run as the locusts bear down on them)

E. BEAR: TO THE RIVER!!

MEOWTH: Wait, what if it's—

CHAN-SAW: (dripping w/red water) EEEWWW!!  This is morbid!

E. BEAR: Head for that sand dune!

(They dive behind the sand dune and the locusts fly over them)

MEOWTH: Phew!  Dat was close!

CHAN-SAW: AAAGGHH!!  WATCH OUT!!  TIDAL WAVE!!

LOUD VOICE: Quickly!  Into the sea, my people!

CHAN-SAW: Hey!  Charleton Heston!

E. BEAR: Meowth, quick, use the chainsaw!

MEOWTH: Right!

CHAN-SAW: Wait!  I wanna' watch him part the Red Sea!

E. BEAR: (grabbing the chainsaw from her) Shut up and give us that!

CHAN-SAW: Hey!  (pouts)

MEOWTH: Where should I send us?

E. BEAR: Anywhere but biblical times!

CHAN-SAW: (testily) Home might be nice!

(The chainsaw/time machine makes a noise like straining metal, and the three Pokémon disappear in a blast of multicolored light)

CHAN-SAW: Now where are we?

MEOWTH: (looking around hesitantly) It don't look…like home.  But it don't look ancient either, so dat's a good thing.

E. BEAR: Hey, do you hear something?

(A stampede of late nineteenth-century Japanese peasants comes racing around the corner, followed by a horde of fierce looking samurai)

CHAN-SAW: (happily) Hey, I think we're getting closer!

MEOWTH: (grabbing her arm hastily) AAAGGGHH!!  It's the Meiji Restoration!!

E. BEAR: Run for it!!

PEASANTS: AAAAGGHH!!  Tetsudai!!  Kudasai kami-no, tetsudai!!  Aaaaagghgh!!

Scene VII

(Back at Warehouse Number 9930961, we find one of our heroes rolling in jewels and wealth beyond his wildest dreams…)

[Author's Input: Despite the fact that he is FILTHY STINKING RICH in the first place!!]

(Yes, despite that)

JAMES: Woo-hoo!!  Look at all this loot…er, I mean, wealth!

VOICE REC.: I trust you are satisfied, sir?

JAMES: (casual) Oh, I suppose.  Thank you for your assistance, Version 6.0.

VOICE REC.: (cheerily) No need for thanks, sir, I am merely programmed to assist you.  Have a good day.

JAMES: (still staring at his loot) Oh, uh, yeah, you too.  Uh-huh.

(James slowly descends the stairs, giggling evilly to himself, as he is bedecked in a disgustingly elaborate amount of jewels and riches, a large sack filled with Pokéballs and tournament trophies over one shoulder)

(Jesse, Cassidy, and Butch appear around the corner, stopping short in shock)

JESSE: James, where the HELL have you been??!

BUTCH: (suspicious) Hey, what's with all the loot?

JAMES: (innocently) I was looking for the bathroom.  Where've you all been?

CASSIDY: Trying to outsmart those buffoons of security guards, you gigantic imbecile!  Now tell us how you happen to be dripping with jewels and riches!

JAMES: (casual) Oh, you mean this stuff.  I, uh, found it.

JESSE: (huffy) Look, we'll care about that later!  Right now, we need to get out of this place!  Pretty soon those morons are going to figure out where we are.

BUTCH: Right.  (to James) Please tell me you managed to get the target while you were up there?

JAMES: Yep.  (sticks his tongue out at Butch)

(Butch seethes as they all hurry out of the warehouse)

BUTCH: How come he gets all the riches?!

JAMES: Because the security system likes me better than you!

CASSIDY: (to Jesse) Must be his voice.  (Jesse nods)

(A huge explosion lights the sky as Warehouse Number 9930961 is blown to smithereens)

JAMES: (to Cassidy) You did wire the place with explosives!!

JESSE: (looking at the blaze) Apparently set to blow as soon as we had left, though.

CASSIDY: Actually, it was set to explode as soon as you and your moronic partner entered the premises.  (shrugging dejectedly) Ah well.  Must've backfired or something.

JESSE: (eyebrow twitching) Let's leave before I add your body to the carnage.

CASSIDY: Hmm?  What's the matter, Jess?  You look pissed.

BUTCH: (to James) You gonna' share that junk?

JAMES: With a toad like you?!

(An electronic scream fills the air, and a large charred and dented, metal box lands at the foursome's feet)

JESSE: Yaagh!!  What's that!

VOICE REC.: (moan) My wires!  What's happened?

JAMES: Version 6.0?!

VERSION 6.0: Sir?  (sobbing loudly) All of my circuits!!  Gone!  Plooey!

CASSIDY: (rolling her eyes) What is this?

JAMES: Shut up, Cassidy!  We've gotta' help her!

JESSE: What…is she?

VERSION 6.0: (sniffling) Version 6.0 of the most high-tech, user-friendly security system in Kanto…now in tatters…useless…an electronic disgrace!!

JAMES: Poor Number Six!

CASSIDY: Can we get a move on here, people?  We don't have all day to talk to machinery, you know.

BUTCH: (ignoring her) Cool!  Do you have lasers?

VERSION 6.0: (brightening) Why, yes, frog-like sir!  In nine different colors and ray bans!

(James stoops to scoop up the battered hunk of metal)

JAMES: I'm taking you with us.

VERSION 6.0: (sad again) Oh, do not trouble yourselves, ladies and sirs.  I will just sit here…and wait for my batteries to die…feel my wires melt together…(loud sniffling)

CASSIDY: Yeah, listen to the hunk of junk, James.  Now let's get out of here!

BUTCH: (grinning evilly) Hey, Six, you wanna' show us one of your lasers?

VERSION 6.0: Oh, I guess, sir.  (fries Cassidy to a crisp)  Now, if you'd just leave me on that nice pile of melted security bots…

JESSE: (pointing at the box) I like her.  Let's take her home.

JAMES: Yay!!  (hugs Jesse)

VERSION 6.0: (touched) Really?  You would?

JAMES: Come on, Six.  I wanna' show you my bottle cap collection!

VERSION 6.0: Does it need security?  I'm sure I am still capable of…minor functioning.  Perhaps a reboot will sort out my inner wiring.  Do you have in-home protection?

(They all leave the ruins of the warehouse, Version 6.0 chattering hopefully and Butch dragging Cassidy's crisp form behind them)

CASSIDY: (coughing black smog) Butch, I'll get you for this!!

BUTCH: Sis, you don't sound so good.  Maybe you need a lozenge.

CASSIDY: Oh, shut up, Butch!

END EPISODE FOUR