Kooky Christmas

"Hey you, yeah you reading this story right now. I bet you came across this thing after school or after work when you were just browsing cause you were bored. Gee are you expecting this to be some warm and wonderful tale about the magic of Christmas for the fourth time this Christmas Blast mini-series? Give me a break. I'm gagging over here. Don't you know that the whole holiday is really a secret plot by the malls and stores to liberate all the mobiums from your pockets? And what do you get in return, some lousy piece of junk that your friend or relative is going to return anyway because it's the wrong color? It's giant conspiracy I tell you. Sigh. Anyway, I guess I'm behind what Christmas is supposed to mean, family, friend, and all that jazz. But I still think that there is a secret plot by Eggman to poison us all during the holiday season. It's that horrible inhumane torture known as fruit cake. Though they do make a good doorstop. Anyway, I guess you want to hear about my last Christmas. Well, whatever."

"It was about three weeks before the holiday and I was shopping in Downtown Mobotropolis for my gifts for everybody. I got Sonic a new pair of shoes, Tails a new set of tools, and for Knuckles I got a copy of 'War and Peace'. You know, a little light reading for the guy. So anyway, I came out of the store when I noticed a familiar figure on the corner in a red suit ringing a bell. It was Eggman obviously, where else do you see a human with a big round belly like that and facial hair. He must have developed some kind of sonic weapon that looked like a bell because when he rang it, people became hypnotized and threw their money into the large red kettle that was sitting in front of him. I had to do something about this before Robuttnik ruined Christmas."

"Get ready to suffer, Egghead. I called out jumping straight at his face. AIIEEE! I attacked the disguised Eggman smacking him with my boomerang and causing him to run away screaming, but then I realized that everyone around me must have still been under Eggman's control cause they all got mad at me and threw me in the dumpster behind the department store when I tried to give their money back. Well, it wasn't a total loss. I found some really neat rotten garbage back here. It'll go great on my Christmas cake."

"Anyway, I was digging around for some buried treasure when I came across another hand that crossed over mine while digging."

"Oh bonza, I can't believe somebody else is digging through the discount bin back here." A familiar raccoon exclaimed. "I mean I really can't believe some of the wonderful stuff they throw into the last chance bin to pick up at bargain prices. I mean, holy barby wallaby on a stick."

"It was then I realized, that I was in the presence of family and one of the few sane people in this town. Marine is that you? I called out. It's so wonderful to see you over this holiday season, but how did you escape the government agents who were trying to replace you with a remote-control raccoon doll."

"Oh Sticks, you really need to quit it with that government conspiracy bunk." Marine replied with a laugh. "Anyway, I was just about to go and pick up a sandwich from Meh Burger. Care to join me for a bloomin' bite?"

"Ah, sure why not? I said as we both climbed out of the dumpster. I could use a burger right about now. With the company, I normally keep I'm getting sick and tired of the taste and smell of chili dogs. The two of us exited the back alley after I made sure there were no secret agents watching. I always liked hanging out with my cousin, Marine. She's a good kid, even if she's a little naïve about the rest of the world. Other people will say crazy things about her, like that she's from some kind of sun dimension ruled by a kitty cat that's on fire. I can only shake my head at that non-sense and people say I'm the crazy one."

"The two of us stepped into Meh Burger where that nerdy college kid, Dave, is behind the counter. I never like coming in here when that zit farm is working. The little weirdo is always hitting on me, guess it's kinda hard for those nerd types to get a date."

"Well, hey there cutie." Dave's voice cracked.

"The poor lad, obviously, struggling back and forth with the curse of puberty. The walking advertisement for acne cream, then, looked us both over."

"So, what can I get for such a lovely lady and her ugly stepsister." Dave asked.

"He was obviously trying to get on my good side by putting poor Marine down."

"Well, thank you handsome. That's a nice compliment." The naïve raccoon smiled at him. "But I really wish you wouldn't put my poor cousin down. She hasn't had a date since the last mobian ice age."

"I kept my opinions to myself as I glared at my little cousin. The two of us each ordered a roughage burger, a specialty item not listed on the menu for mobians who love garbage."

"Bonza, you won't believe what I have on mine." Marine smiled. "Two rotten banana peels, a half-eaten chicken patty, and I think it's flicky roadkill." He continued, before scarfing her burger down. "What'd you get on yours?"

"Oh, Marine, this is a dish. I replied, licking my lips. Two dead fish, an old warn-out piece of shoe leather, a rotten maggot infested apple core, and best of all a helping of cold spaghetti and meat sauce. I swallowed it one gulp. Mmmm, the maggots are still fresh. Now, you other mobian types may like this fresh meat stuff, but we scavengers love the stuff the rest of you throw away. I mean, my mom made an entire Christmas feast from the Thanksgiving leftovers a human family threw away. Yum, yum. Who could ask for anything more."

"So, the two of us were just sitting there talking when this weirdo purple devil guy comes marching into the restaurant. Seeing the Christmas tree in the corner, he stormed over to poor Dave and began screaming at the unhappy food clerk."

"HOW DARE YOU HAVE A CHRISTMAS TREE IN HERE!?" The big angry marsupial growled. "Don't you know that holiday is nothing but pain? I demand you get rid of that tree at once and anything else that reminds somebody of Christmas. If you don't, I'll tear you and this whole restaurant to pieces."

"Blimey, these politically correct blokes are gettin' worse and worse every year." Marine shook her head. "I'm just waitin' for them to start packing dynamite under Christmas tree to turn them into Tannenbaums."

"I'm sorry, sir, if our Christmas tree offends you." Dave whimpered, hiding under the counter. "Do you want me to call the manager?"

"Don't bother, I'll take care of it myself." The purple devil smiled, cracking his knuckles. "When I get done, you'll need to call a proctologist to remove that Christmas tree from where I'm going to put it."

"Dave looked like he was about to cry when Marine jumped up from the table and ran over to where the angry devil stood."

"Now, just you hold on a minute, you bloomin' bloke." The angry little raccoon demanded; her tail all fluffed up. "Now don't you be goin' around and spoilin' Christmas for the rest of us. You take that stupid 'happy holiday' junk of yours and shove it in your bloody nose."

"The guy just grabbed Marine and threw her out the window. Can you believe his nerve? Fortunately, my little cousin landed on a stack of Christmas trees on a passing truck. Knowing it would be a few minutes before she could make her way back, I decided to teach this ruffian a thing or two. Hey ugly, why don't you try a boomerang on for size. I hurled my weapon at him which he immediately ducked."

"Ha, you're gonna have to do better than…" The devil mocked. CLONK!

"He was interrupted as the weapon smacked into the back of his head on the return trip."

"OW! I can't believe I feel for that. I'll get you ya little…" The devil stated.

"The devil dove at me smashing through tables and chairs as I jumped out of the way. He swung around the restaurant like a wild bull, breaking everything in his mad rampage. NYA NYA! Can't catch me. I insulted him, pulling my eyelid down and sticking my tongue out. You're so slow you'd get run over by a turtle."

"GET BACK HER YOU FILTHY LITTLE CHRISTMAS LOVER!" He roared. "I'LL SHOVE A STRING OF COLORED LIGHTS DOWN YOUR THROAT!"

"Oh yeah, get a load of this. I turned my backside to him holding a piece of mistletoe right over my behind. Pucker up and kiss, you Christmas hater. He jumped at me again and I leapt over the counter picking up the cash register and slamming is down on his head. He fell back against the counter, his eyes rolling back in his head and reading 'No Sale' as his jaw popped out with a ding. Huh, looks like you made bank. I told him, picking up the register of his head and offering him a hand. Now why don't we end this anti-Christmas nonsense and I'll buy you a coke."

"The coke sounds great… BUT I'M NOT ENDING MY CHRISTMAS HATE!" Thrash added.

"He surprised me, grabbing me by the throat and choking me 'til my eyes bugged out.

"Since you seem like a walking cartoon anyway, let's see how much of a beating you can survive." The devil threatened.

"Now, just hold on a bloomin' minute there, Mister. My cousin exclaimed, coming back in the door. We'll agree with you on Christmas just leave us alone, yeah? Marine pulled out a five bill and dropped it one the counter. Dave, get the man a coke and we'll all sit down and talk about this peacefully."

"The devil continued to glare at me and did not see Marine pull out a bottle labeled 'Turbo Lax' and poured the white liquid into his coke. Still holding me by the throat, the devil stomped over and picked up his coke, slurping it down in one gulp and chucking the empty cup behind him."

"Now, you little badger wench, since you love Christmas so much. Here's what we're gonna…"

"Suddenly, the devil's eyes went wide and a huge frown crossed his face."

"Oh no, what's going on?" Thrash stated.

"He turned and ran out the door."

"You stupid little raccoon, you tricked me." The devil roared.

"Wow, look at him go." Marine stated, watching the devil run down the street. "He's almost two the bloomin' horizon."

"Yeah, but I feel sorry for the street cleaners who are going to have to clean up the brown street left behind him. Maybe he'll feel a little more in the Christmas spirit now."

"Thank you so much for saving my restaurant." Dave exclaimed, running back to pull a tray out of the oven. "As a reward, brownies anyone?"

"Naturally after what just happened, Marine and I's faces promptly turned green and we politely excused ourselves to the ladies room. One restroom break later, we paid for our meal. Marine slipped Dave her phone number and the two of us left to return to our Christmas shopping."


"Now wait a second, Sticks, it didn't happen like that." Marine protested.

"Ah, that's just what they wanted you to think. The aliens will secretly replace your brain with a cheese omelet if you remember it the right way."

"Sticks… have you forgotten to take your medications again?" Tails asked, shaking his head at the badger's crazy ramblings.

"It was taken by the froglydites who live in the basement. They're going to give it to their King Froggy who will then use his fat kitty to take over the world." Just then, a big round purple cat came wandering into the room.

"Froggy?" He asked.

"AAAHHHHHHH! They've come for me." Sticks screamed, running out the door into the night. "I don't care if it is the holiday, you won't take me alive."

"Oh dear," Marine sighed. "Now, we're gonna have to get the badger nets again."

"Merry Christmas, everyone." Tails stated, hoisting a glass of eggnog to the open air.