Author's Note

: I'm back. Thank you for all the feedback!

Summary: What happens if nobody believes you except for the one person who shouldn't? TROYRYAN SLASH

Warning: Rape, abuse, self-abuse, domestic abuse, violence, homosexual relationships, etc.


"Sometimes I'm afraid of what you might tell me. I can only hope that the answers will come to me in my sleep.

I hope that when the world comes to an end, I can breathe a sigh of relief, because there will be so much to look forward to,"

-Donnie, Donnie Darko

ooo

If Sharpay could do one thing, it would be to forget. There is nothing more she wants than to forget. She wants to close her eyes and pretend that Ryan didn't confess to being a virgin; she wants to go back in time and make sure Ryan comes home with her from school. She wants to be doing her nails, she wants to be watching TV with Ryan, she wants to stop thinking about the blood-stained jeans that are hiding in the laundry basket.

She wonders about burning the jeans. She wonders if that will make her feel better.

But she knows that getting rid of the jeans isn't going to help.

The only way she can forget is to get rid of Ryan.

And she couldn't do that, even if she had to do it to save the world.

ooo

If Sharpay has ever been angry at her parents, it would be now. Lynette tiptoes around Ryan as if frightened he might shatter any second. Vance confronts Ryan and tells him he needs to report who the rapist is "so we can take care of this, son." Lynette runs purely on her fears, Vance runs purely on practicality.

Only Sharpay runs on her instincts and her wits.

She wonders how on earth she was born into this family.

She glances at Ryan, whose bottom lip is shuddering and realizes that Lynette runs on fears, Vance runs on practicality, she runs on instincts, but Ryan?

Ryan runs on emotions.

ooo

Ryan is too... rational for Sharpay. As bad as it sounds, she wants him to cry, wants him to go and try to kill himself. Do something predictable. She's read many books and normal rape victim behavior is to slash wrists, act defiant or curl up into fetal position, cry, cut hair. Rape reaction is fight or flight.

Ryan's reaction is indifferent. Ryan's reaction is forgetting.

They can't forget this.

Instead of fighting or fleeing, Ryan brushes his teeth and climbs into his bed without a sound, shutting his door behind him. He walks with an obvious limp and Sharpay is afraid that if she has to see her brother in any more pain, she is going to shatter into a million pieces.

Sharpay doesn't know what to do.

And it's killing her.

ooo

"Sharpay, who did this to him?" Lynette balls up her hands, her red nails sticking up prominently. She bites her lower lip between her teeth, as if afraid for the answer. She sits, glaring at her daughter from across the table.

"Mom, I can't tell you that," Sharpay answers, icily. This is what she's known for. She's cool, collected, bitchy even.

"Sharpay-" Sharpay doesn't let Lynette finish.

"It's his choice to tell you. I can't tell you because he asked me not to. It's not my story to tell," Sharpay says simply, pulling a cup of steaming coffee towards her. "It's his."

She takes a sip of the coffee, expecting it to scald her tongue--to throw some pain and emotion back into her. She can't taste anything.

She can't feel anything. She can't feel it even though hot air is visible, spilling out of her mug.

She wants to take some of Ryan's pain away from him because he is hurting too damn much, but she can't.

She takes another sip of her coffee, wondering if it will always taste this cold.

ooo

Usually Ryan falls into bed and passes out, dead to the world. He is the soundest sleeper in the Evans' household. Vance and Lynette are constantly paranoid that someone will break into the Evans' mansion and rob them, and Sharpay stirs at the slightest noise.

Tonight, while the rest of the house sleeps, Ryan is awake.

His pillow is wet against his face and he remembers his mom, standing hesitantly and nervously at his door, contemplating whether or not she should come in and say good night to her son. Because whether she wants it to be or not, it is not going to be a good night for him. It can't be.

He remembers how his mom sighed sadly and closed the door, leaving him alone.

Maybe he's too dirty for her to face.

He shudders now, cold under his blankets. He's burrowed himself under, wrapping himself inside a cocoon, and his chest tightens as he lets out a quiet sob. Tears streak down his face in steady rivers, dampening his pillow.

He wonders if that will be his talent now.

Crying.

ooo

Sharpay has always been a light sleeper and that's why her eyes instantly flash open when she feels the springs of her bed shift downwards.

She wakes with a start and sees Ryan sitting awake on her bed. She doesn't remember when Ryan hasn't fallen asleep before her and it shocks her to see that he's still staring blankly ahead of him.

She moves her blankets and crawls towards him. "What's wrong, Ryan?"

This is so unlike her brother, so unlike the Ryan she knows and loves. Ryan's shoulders shake as he shivers, even though it is far from cold in the house. Sharpay's eyes adjust to the night and she takes in his disheveled hair and wet shirt.

"Oh Ryan," Sharpay whispers, pulling her brother towards her.

Ryan grew taller than Sharpay a long time ago. He has always been taller, but now in her arms, he is vulnerable and childlike and small. She shifts her arms so she can hold all of him, and her heart breaks again that night as he shudders in her hold.

"Ryan, what happened?" Sharpay asks.

He looks at her, and glances down, the light from her open window making a delicate shadow on the underside of his neck. "Sharpay, I can feel him inside of me."


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