A/N: I'm not sure I like what I've written here but I'm in a rotten mood so that might be why. Hope it works anyway! thanks as always to everyone who has read and reviewed!
Sarah x
Serena opened the dreaded double doors with bitter reluctance. She should not have had the last of that other bottle of wine after Edward left last night. She was paying for it now in the form of the world's worst headache. She watched Edward talking to Harry, giving him instructions of some sort, and when her ex-husband looked around her she quickly averted her gaze. She didn't want to let him in. She feared that it would only cause history to repeat itself.
She felt his fingers catch hers briefly as she passed him. What had she done last night that made him think it was alright to touch her? She was unsettled by the concern in his eyes as she stepped around him to find her iPad. "Are you OK?" he asked when Harry sauntered away to deal with a patient.
"Yeah," she lied, not looking. "Where the bloody hell is my iPad?" she asked with a hopeless sigh. Common sense was not her forte when she was hungover. She looked up when the familiar black object blocked her view of the pale desk. She looked up to find Edward smiling gently down on her. "Thanks," she grudgingly said. His stare was soft and caring; she didn't like it. That stare was the one that drew her in. It melted her sense of self-preservation as he silently reminded her that he still cared about her.
"If you want to talk..." he said, shrugging his shoulders in an offer to go through it all with her now that she was reasonably sober. "You know where I am."
She glared at Edward for his kindness; despite his display of good intention, she found trusting him quite difficult. When she met his eyes she saw he didn't believe she was fine. He knew her too well to believe that and it was probably time she accepted that. She couldn't quite decide if she needed him or not.
It was at that moment that she remembered kissing him.
"Thank you," she said, recalling his reaction. "Last night. Thank you for not taking advantage."
"Would I do that?!"
"Yes," she said honestly. He didn't deny it.
"Yeah, you're probably right. But not to you."
He walked away from her, left in a state of mild shock at his words. She had not seen him so moral in years. Was it true that he treated her differently in his heart than any other woman he had been with?
This was why she had wanted shot of him before Hanssen had decided the hospital needed him. She couldn't work out whether his intention was to bed her, help her or even perhaps love her. What she was finding even more difficult was to figure out was what she wanted from him. He was so ingrained in her personality – all that he had done to and for her and all she had always loved and hated him for – that there was still a thread between them, along which they pushed and pulled a mix of lies, truth, hatred and love.
It was only when they were in theatre two hours later and she could escape Edward that she finally said, "I lied."
He looked up from his clipboard, clearly surprised at her admission. "About what?"
"This morning, when you asked if I was OK."
"Knew it." She rolled her eyes at his complacency. "You're not infallible, Serena. Nobody is."
She remained silent, concentrating on this young woman's liver. For the first time, Edward's presence was actually distracting her. But oddly, it was a comfort. Her head was swimming in last night's alcohol and truths. She was unsure of how to proceed with what she had discovered. Was she meant to approach the subject with her mother? Was she supposed to force everything she could from Edward? Did she even want to know everything he knew?
"Are you going to see Adrienne?" he asked her.
"Why would I?" she snapped. In truth she hadn't decided whether to tell her mother what Edward had said. Not only did she not wish to distress her mum, but, for once, she didn't want to get Edward in trouble; there was no doubt in Serena's mind that Adrienne would have made Edward swear not to tell her about Andrew's hidden depths.
"Because she has a right to defend herself," he reasoned.
"Edward, how old am I?" she sighed. "Four-oh-prolene," she added to the nurse.
"Forty-six," he answered her.
"That's how many years she's lied to me," Serena said. She hated to admit how much the deception on her mother's part had actually hurt her. All her life, Adrienne had been the source of truth and love, a constantly light influence. But now she kept wondering if she had ever spoken the truth to her daughter.
"Serena..."
"No, Edward. Even if she didn't want me to know while he was alive, he's been dead seventeen years now. She should have told me. You should have told me," she added. She had tried to keep that last remark inside her but she couldn't help but think Edward should have broken his silence long before now. He had claimed to love her and yet had kept secrets from her. And yet, she forgave him. She honestly believed that he was trying to save her from any pain.
"I know I should have," he admitted. "I know that now."
"I'm sorry," she sighed as she stitched up the liver. "I know you were trying to spare me all this hassle."
By the time the procedure was finished, Serena had convinced herself that Adrienne had kept her out in the dark out of malice, cowardice or selfishness. She looked at the clock, startled to find that it was already lunchtime. She washed her hands and went to leave the scrub room but she felt a warm and familiar hand grasp her upper arm before she got to the door.
"I'm taking you to see your mother," Edward informed her firmly. "Now. During our lunch hour."
Serena laughed. "You are kidding? I don't even take a lunch break."
"You do now," he retorted, steering her by the shoulder out onto the ward. "Go and get changed back into your clothes."
"No."
"Yes," he said, and she could see there was no forcing him back. When he got like this, he was liable to make her life a nightmare until she did as he asked and, to be fair, he hadn't asked her for anything in years.
She walked straight into Harry Tressler as she stormed away in temper. "Hey! Watch it!" he shouted when the pile of ringbinders fell onto the floor. He knelt down and started gathering them up. "Oh, thanks for helping, Ms. Campbell!" he snapped.
"Believe me, Dr. Tressler," she grumbled. "If I get down there I won't be getting back up."
"Getting old, I see."
"Run and don't bother me!" she snapped, noticing that phrase didn't fall from her mouth as easily as it had done from her father's. It didn't sound the same with her English accent. She made a mental note to never, ever say it again.
To her surprise, she felt a hand on her shoulder. She expected Edward to be behind her, but it wasn't him. It was Mary-Claire Carter. "Don't get stressed, Ms. Campbell. You look like you're gonna blow a fuse," she said. Serena nodded in thanks for the reminder to keep calm; it wasn't often she felt any gratitude towards the red-headed gossip.
Serena nodded down to Harry. It was as close to an apology as he was going to get from her – nobody was under any illusions that the word 'sorry' was going to escape her lips towards Harry. He was still in the bad books over the whole rocket flare incident. The only reason he still had a job was that Edward and Ric had been there when she had confronted the boy over his extreme stupidity.
She stalked away to the locker room and quickly changed. She was annoyed that Edward was forcing her hand, but she was starting to have faith that he had her best interests at heart. She was frightened slightly by the prospect of confronting her mother. She didn't want to upset her but she was livid. How could Adrienne have actively hid everything? Did she have no conscience?
It was with shaking hands that she picked up her bags. It wasn't normal to be so nervous of speaking to her own mother. But then it wasn't normal to be so furious with her own mother, either. Frustration was a common emotion for Serena to feel towards Adrienne, but sheer hurt and anger was extremely rare.
The door opened and closed and Edward walked in. "Meet me at the front entrance," he ordered her softly. "And don't even think about not showing up. I know all your hiding places." She stared into his face and could see he was as apprehensive as she was about this. She was certain he was regretting kicking the hornets' nest. "It'll be fine, Serena. I just think you need to talk to Adrienne about all this. She can explain it better than I can."
Serena sighed and looked at the floor. She hated this. She hated having to lean on anyone, but particularly Edward. It only reminded her that she once had loved him dearly, and she was sure that somewhere deep inside her heart that feeling was rearing its head to haunt her. If only she could bury it once more, never to be found again.
She walked out in silence, trying to figure out some sort of theory in her head as to how she could have missed all this in the first place. Even though her parents and husband made efforts to conceal it, she should have seen the path her dad was stumbling down. She was not able to remember a time she had seen him drunk when he shouldn't have been. At ceilidhs and weddings, he had usually been legless by the end of the night but that was considered normal. There had been no hidden bottles, no drunken violence, no trace of an alcoholic she had seen in the man. And yet Edward insisted that was just what Andrew had been.
She leaned against the wall in of the hospital, watching the late November chill set in. It would soon be the dead of winter, something that, for the first time, she was dreading. It meant cold darkness, and she wasn't keen on the idea; it was strange for her to feel this way. Winter had never bothered her much before now.
She watched the storm clouds gather above her and she tried to work out if it was going to rain or snow. It was too early for snow – at least it was here – but it definitely felt cold enough.
It was only when she took a bizarre interest in Jonny Maconie walking across the car park with his earphones in and texting that she realised she was distracting herself. She was looking for anything but her own problems to think about as she waited for her ex-husband to come and get her. And speak of the devil, he was suddenly in front of her.
"Do I have to do this?" she asked.
"Yes," he replied, his smile tinged with sadness. "If you want to understand and accept everything that's happened, then you have to speak to your mum."
She started to walk towards Edward's car with a tight knot of anxiety forming in the pit of her stomach. What if she wasn't able to control her emotions? She had failed to do so last night and could vaguely recall crying in front of Edward. If he didn't know her so well she could have pretended it was just because she had been drunk, but she was well aware that he knew better.
But if she cried in front of her mother, she didn't know what she was going to say to negate it. And if she shouted at her mother, she was going to feel awful for it. But the bottom line was that they couldn't expect her to keep her emotions under complete control. Could they?
Hope this is OK!
Please feel free to drop me a review and tell me what you think!
Sarah x
