A/N: Here's a loooong chapter.

Disclaimer: I do not own SGA but I should so I could start season SIX!!!

Feel free to review. I will be your best friend.


It was two days later before Rodney woke up all the way. He woke to find Sheppard in his usual place next to him in a chair, Teyla beside him, and Ronon pacing. Tilting his head up to see who was checking his vitals, he found Jennifer looking down at him, her golden hair a shining corona backlit in the infirmary lights. He felt his heart flutter when she smiled a wistful smile full of tenderness, love and sorrow. With a contented sigh, he smiled back.

"Hey."

"Hey."

"I'm glad you're awake."

"Me too."

His friends knew what was coming and interrupted the couple to say hello to their teammate and to say they would be back later.

Rodney was growing more concerned. He realized that something was wrong with him, he vaguely remembers being on a really, hot planet and then… nothing. From the way, everyone was acting, whatever the problem was, it promised to be bad.

Jennifer pulled one of the chairs closer to his bed, took his hand in hers, and kissed it. He felt a thrill at the touch of her rose-colored lips that soon turned to a chill at the way she avoided looking at him.

Rodney was becoming more scared by the minute, and when Rodney gets scared, he either panics, or gets angry. His friends sitting forlornly in vigil by him, Carson nowhere to be seen, and Jennifer obviously avoiding telling him something, was not only scaring the hell out of him, it was starting to really piss him off.

"Jennifer, would you just tell me, and get this over with?"

He was angry, but he held in his desire to yell, and throw insults, around for her sake.

Jennifer could hear the edge in his voice. She thought he might react this way. She loathed saying the words that hung like rotted fruit in her mind. She was stalling.

"Here, let me get you some water."

She reached over, picked up the cup on the bedside table, and offered it to him. He saw her hands trembling, and decided he could give them this time, the time between them, when he was still innocent of the dark news about to pour from his lover's mouth.

"Thanks."

He wasn't angry anymore, he only felt compassion for the woman he loved. He could see what this knowledge was doing to her. He grabbed her hand and kissed it; he found her other hand and pulled her to him. She lowered the bedrail and climbed in next to him, careful of the IV lines. With her, head on his chest, he began stroking her hair and he could feel her quiet weeping, her tears bathing him in desperation.

Suddenly he felt very tired, before he fell back asleep he whispered to her.

"It will be alright. I promise."

Jennifer looked up and saw a tear slip from his weary eyes.

"I haven't told you yet."

"It doesn't matter. Have Carson tell me later. Right now, I need to hold you."

"Okay."

She was a doctor, a practitioner of science, but for now, she was just heartbroken woman and Rodney was all that was holding her together.

That was how Carson found them, clinging to one another in their sleep. He started to pull the curtain around them to give them more privacy when he heard Rodney clearing his throat.

"She couldn't bring herself to tell me." He whispered.

Carson nodded and waited for what he knew was coming.

Rodney could see the sadness in Carson's eyes. This was his miracle friend, his second chance. Others had a hard time accepting Carson 2.0 but Rodney only saw him as a gift. He couldn't stand the way this felt, everyone looking at him with such sorrow. He just needed to move on from this interminable limbo they were putting him in.

"Carson?"

"Yes Rodney."

"Please just tell me. I can't take watching all of you grieve for me when I'm sitting right here."

Jennifer was awake he felt her stiffen and hold her breath. He didn't comfort her with words because it would prolong his ignorance. Instead he hugged her closer and looked stubbornly at Carson.

Carson was warring with himself, he knew Rodney deserved to know, even that he needed to know, but the not telling him kept it from being concrete. Right now, they were all in some horrible dream state, where everything was fuzzy and unreal, a place where it was easier to deny the truth. Nevertheless, he would tell Rodney, tell him he was dying, and that there wasn't much hope of saving him. He cleared his throat and began.

"You have stage three Acute Lymphocytic Leukemia, your body has been overwhelmed by blood loss and a virulent case of pneumonia, caused in part by the neutropenia you must have had before you caught it.

The concern we have now, is that your kidneys are damaged from lack of adequate blood supply, due to severe anemia and blood loss.

Your only hope is for chemo, and if that doesn't work, a bone marrow transplant.

But your body is too weak, your kidneys would fail, then your liver. You would die from the treatment.

The problem with taking the time for you to recover from all these insults to your body, is that this disease is extremely aggressive and will probably involve your central nervous system at some point and that creates a whole different set of obstacles.

At this point there's nothing we can do but wait and hope you get better in time for the chemo to work. Short of that, or an Ancient healing device… You are going to die"

"Thank you." Rodney's voice was steady and sincere.

Carson collapsed into a chair, buried his head in his hands, and began to cry.

He wasn't supposed to cry, he was supposed to be strong, but hearing himself telling Rodney he was going to die caused the tenuous hold he had on his grief to crumble, and his friend's gratitude broke the last vestiges of his fortification.

Rodney looked up at the ceiling giving his friend moment. He couldn't help but sigh, it seemed he was always hurting the people he loved. He was feeling enormous guilt, but that was all. It occurred to him that this was not a normal reaction, but he couldn't seem to muster any fear or concern for himself.

"Carson?"

"Yes Rodney." The Scotsman's voice broke.

"I'm so tired." He was breathing with effort.

"I know lad."

Carson stood and turned up the oxygen, all of the talking was making Rodney's sats drop.

Jennifer hearing the change in his respirations sat up and climbed off the bed.

"Let's put a mask on you."

She busied herself trading the cannula for the clear non-rebreather mask.

"Jennifer… I love you."

Rodney's eyes were growing heavy.

"Carson?"

"Yes Rodney."

"Love you too," and he was asleep.

"Excuse me Jennifer."

Carson ran to the transporter, desperate to make it to his room where he could sob in private.

John Sheppard was on his way in to see Rodney, when Carson blew past him. His heart found a new place in his throat and he began running too.

Sheppard's adrenalin fueled fear had him by Rodney's bed so quickly his head spun.

"Jennifer! What happened? What's wrong?"

"Shhh John, he's sleeping."

"Then why was Carson…"

"He told him, Rodney made him."

John nodded with understanding."Still Beckett looked really upset."

"Yeah, well, Rodney told Carson he loved him."

Once again John couldn't stand his legs were suddenly made of rubber. He grabbed the rail of Rodney's bed and eased his rebellious body into the well-used chair.

"John?" Jennifer placed her hand on the trembling shoulder.

"I can't believe it…He's really dying isn't he?"

"Yes, he really is."

She didn't have the strength to cry anymore, but she could try to comfort Rodney's family.

"I-I…" he gasped and she could feel him fighting to hold his tears back.

"Shhh it's okay. You can cry."

"No I can't. Not here, not now."

He felt another cool female hand on his other shoulder. It was Teyla, and he could feel Ronon behind him. The collective tension of a roomful of people hovering on the brink of sobbing was stifling, but none of them could find the strength to leave.

The beep of Sheppard's com broke the cloying silence.

"Colonel Sheppard? Did you forget, we supposed to be having a meeting?"

Woolsey knew exactly where they all were, and frankly, he wanted to be with them, but he had to pull them away from the precipice of their torment and direct their attention to the more mundane things going on in the city.

Sheppard sighed.

"We're on our way."

The boardroom was more lifeless than usual. There were no charts with intricate diagrams and impossible equations on them, no Rodney bouncing around like a kangaroo on crack.

"Look I know what your all going through—"

"How could you possibly know what we are going through?"

Sheppard's anger was intense.

The rest of their eyes reflected the same thought, and they stared with bitterness at him.

Richard Woolsey was an intensely private man, and he knew the other leaders of Atlantis were only now accepting him. He was at a crossroads coming from being tolerated to being liked. This was the moment that would give him a chance to find friendship with these remarkable people, but he didn't know if he could do it. Richard didn't know if he was able to share his most secret and devastating pain. He took a deep breath, his decision made.

"Actually… I know exactly what you're going through."

His voice was quiet and sincere.

Their eyes softened at the grief written on Woolsey's face.

"You may have noticed I'm not married, but I was. In fact I only recently took my wedding ring off."

They all began to realize what he was about to say. Jennifer sat and struggled not to cry again.

"We were married for fifteen years, we couldn't have children so we had each other, she was my best friend, my world, my everything.

Sarah was full of energy and embraced life with passion in all her endeavors.

Sarah ran triathlons, rock climbed, was a great cook and exquisitely beautiful. She was English literature professor at George Washington University, we had an idyllic life—

I noticed she began avoiding the things she loved because she was tired all the time. We thought she had the flu…

Until... her nose began to bleed, uncontrollably…

I rushed her to the hospital, and on the way, she became unconscious. I-I was terrified…"

The silence was deafening as Woolsey worked to regain his composure.

"The ER doctors seemed to know something, like they already knew what was wrong. They took her blood, then pumped her full of platelets and fluids to stabilize her, and left me waiting while she lay unresponsive. Six hours later a different doctor came in, he wore a lab coat with his name and department embroidered above the breast pocket. The words stitched there changed my world irrevocably. Dr. Anthony Lucia, Head of Hematology and Oncology. I can't remember what he said all I could do was stare at that writing.

That night began a journey filled with hope and despair, joy and pain, ending in Sarah's death, two years later.

So you see I have a pretty good idea how you might be feeling."

They were ashamed of all their petty assumptions of him, this man had lost so much, and he deserved their compassion and their respect.

Woolsey, bowed his head and looked blankly at the table, his mind lost in a memory, when he felt a hand on his back showing support and shared pain. He knew it was Teyla, she was already kind to him but now she was empathizing.

"Richard, we are sorry for your loss and for treating you like you have no feelings. Now is the time for all of us to join our sorrows, and carry one another's burden, until Rodney is healed or he moves on to the Ancestors."

There was nothing left to say, they whole of the ruling contingent of Atlantis could bear no more suffering this day. With unspoken agreement they all stood up to leave, on their way out the men shook Woolsey's hand and the women hugged him. It was all he could do to keep from falling apart right there. Teyla stayed with him and walked him to his room; she hugged him and left him to his grief.

Radek Zelenka wasn't ready to give up on Rodney. Watching the tragic faces of his colleagues as they listened to Mr. Woolsey, served only to strengthen his resolve. He would find a way to cure his irascible friend. The fires of inspiration had him practically running to the lab to begin scouring the Ancient database.