A new year's resolution

September the 15th 2025

"What happened?" Harry casually asked as he put two Martinis on the coffee table, "I'm sorry to say so, but you don't look too well. Did you two have a fight?"

Rachida picked up her tumbler and nursed it for a few seconds, shoulders hunched, before she muttered something Harry couldn't hear and took two, three large gulps of her drink. Harry belatedly remembered Muggle Muslims usually don't drink alcohol and he had a strange, sudden urge to jump up and stop her. She musn't be a very practising Muslim, Harry guessed, or she couldn't have been together with Severus anyway, who had little patience for religion in general. He nevertheless felt a bit guilty for having thoughtslessly served her liquor.

Rachida was looking at him with a calculating look in her eyes, Harry noticed. He felt a bit wary because of it.

"You've known Severus for how long now, Harry?" she asked, putting her glass back on the table while she sat back, "Twenty, thirty years?"

"About thirty-five years, I guess," Harry calculated, then frowned, "Why?"

" And would you say you know him very well?"

That was a strange question. Harry instinctually realised he needed to be on his guard. Such questions usually didn't come from nowhere. He'd better ask for clarification.

"I guess I know him a little bit," Harry carefully answered, "But Severus has always been a bit of an enigma. Why do you ask?"

Rachida's lips were pinched tight and it was clear to Harry she was searching his face for something, answers maybe. But until the reason of her visit became clear, Harry was determined not to give her any.

Rachida took a deep breath and her voice sounded shaky as she said: "I know there are things he isn't telling me. That was all right with me at first, it really was. I knew he was a closed man and he needed time to open up. I was prepared to give him that time, because I figured maybe something bad had happened in his past. But it's been almost eight years we've been together now and it still feels like I barely know him. Yesterday I confronted him about it and he got really mad. I've never seen him like that before. It made me realize there really must be something wrong... something horribly big..."

"Wow, wait a minute," Harry interrupted, feeling sweat break out on his brow and trying to feel his way forward without making a major mistake. He knew well enough he shouldn't tell her about Severus' Death Eater days in case she didn't know that yet, but it was possible he would let something slip inadvertently. He'd better verify first.

"What exactly do you think you don't know?" he asked her.

"I don't know!" she exclaimed, throwing her hands up in the air, "There's very little I know! He told me his parents died a long time ago. He was a chemistry teacher at some boarding school before he moved to London. That's it!"

Harry blinked.

"Chemistry?" he repeated, subdued. Rachida's eyes flashed as she understood.

"Don't tell me he lied about that too!"

Harry was speechless. He tried to think of something to say, but his brain felt slow. Severus hadn't told her anything? How the hell did he do that?

"Do you know how that feels like?" Rachida just shook her head as if she wanted to get rid of the tears that had welled up in her eyes, "It feels like I'm some fling he only just met yesterday, that's how. Why doesn't he trust me?"

Harry awkwardly picked up his glass and fiddled with it.

"I don't know what to say," he admitted, "Have you tried talking to Severus about it?"

"Yes! Only yesterday, I told you!"

"All right, but before that?"

"Harry, I've tried everything," Rachida sounded desperate, "I've tried asking him outright, I've tried telling him about my life to lure him out, I've tried guessing games, … He only keeps dodging every question I ask about his past. I'm just... so tired."

Harry's gaze darted to the kitchen for a moment, where William was quietly peeling vegetables, trying to blend into the background.

"I can imagine," he muttered inadequately, running a finger across his glass. He could feel Rachida's eyes burning.

"So I assume there really is something, isn't it?" she asked him, "I haven't been imagining it?"

Harry just nodded. Rachida picked her glass back up and she held it in her hand without even glancing at it.

"And you think it's something he should have told me?"

He hesitated. It was Severus' life and Severus' choices, Harry thought, but really, the man was unbelievable. He nodded again. Out of the corner of his eye he saw Rachida throw back the rest of her drink. It was quiet for a few seconds, and Harry could just feel the anger roll off of her.

"You know him," Rachida began again.

"It's not my place to tell you," Harry replied immediately.

Rachida sat back in the sofa. She nodded in understanding, but Harry could see the resigned look on her face. He thought he knew what that look meant. He believed it meant she'd made her decision and if he guessed correctly, that was bad news for Severus. Harry sighed and shook his head. He couldn't believe he was being dragged into this. He cursed Severus for the first time in years.

"It's not my place," he repeated, "but I guess I'll... I could have a word with him."

She didn't answer immediately, so Harry hesitantly asked: "Or is it too late already?"

Rachida sighed and ran a hand through her hair.

"I don't know," she spoke quietly, "I mean, if he doesn't trust me, then what is the point of us being together?"

Harry nodded. He imagined he would be pissed too.

"Then again," he countered, "there are things in Severus' past I'm sure he would only reluctantly share. He probably thought you wouldn't want to be with him anymore."

"But that's my decision to make," she heatedly replied, then, leaning forward, she sighed, "It's not fair he's been taking that choice away from me. After eight years I think I deserve to know who I'm in a relationship with!"

Harry skratched his ear. She was right, of course. Bloody stupid Severus.

"It all depends on how much you want to know who he was. Severus from the past has got little to do with Severus who he is now. So, does it matter?"

"That's bullshit, and you know it," she replied, "they're one and the same, no matter how much he changed. It feels like he's only giving me half of him, and Harry, I can't be with half a person. Well... actually I can, I endured it for almost eight years. But enough is enough. It's about basic respect."

Harry didn't know what else to say. He was beyond irritated that Severus had put him in a position where he had to argue on his behalf to the woman he still felt a little jealous of. He rubbed the bridge of his nose, thinking about what he should say to Severus and waved his hand to refill their glasses. He should call Severus tomorrow, after work, he decided. It was clear Rachida was very close to breaking up with him, so he shouldn't waste any time. Harry didn't like to think about the foul temper he would be subjected to if Severus got ditched.

"Did those glasses just refill themselves?" Rachida asked, confused.

"Mmh?" Harry asked, looking up and taking a sip from his second Martini. Rachida was staring at him oddly.

"Those glasses..." she said, "Did they...?"

Harry froze mid-swallow. Fuck.

"They did," Rachida whispered as she scooted forward to the edge of her seat, "Wow. Did... Did you do that?"

Harry quickly took another gulp of his drink, wracking his brain to come up with an unsuspicious answer.

"What do you mean?" he asked, trying to be nonchalant about it. He heard a clattering noise coming from the kitchen and he turned his head, only to see the collander had fallen to the floor. William's attempt to create a diversion, he assumed. Rachida was still staring at him, though.

"You can... do things?" she hesitantly asked, "You're some kind of... erm..." She shook her head, as if by doing so the right word would come tumbling out of her brain.

Harry sighed. He turned his head towards William in the kitchen, shrugged, resigned, and waved his hand again. The refrigerator door opened and a small bowl came zooming towards them and gently settled on the coffee table. Rachida just stared at it. When she finally looked up, Harry wouldn't have thought to see her smiling. But there she was, shaking her head with a grin on her face.

"No use crying over spilled milk," Harry muttered, a little annoyed, as he picked up the bowl, "I'd prefer it if you keep this to yourself, off course. Care for an olive?"

He was a little taken aback to see her popping one into her mouth without so much as a flinch.

"You don't want to double-check those olives for poison?" he couldn't help but smirk.

Rachida shrugged. "I figure if you wanted to kill me it would be a piece of cake for you anyway and you wouldn't do it with poisoned olives."

"Fair point," Harry conceded, smiling, "Apart from that, you seem to be taking this fairly well. Frankly, I'm a bit disappointed you aren't properly impressed."

"Oh, I'm impressed," Rachida admitted, "But I always suspected there was something more to you than the eye could see. I just didn't expect it would be something like... I mean, Severus told me you were really just an average student... Lacked willpower to actually get somewhere and all that..."

"Did he?" Harry smiled, "Well, coming from an average teacher, I'm sure that means... Rachida?"

The woman had hid her face behind her hands.

"Fuck..." he heard her whisper. Her face was ashen when she looked at him again and her eyes were round and incredulous.

"I can't believe how stupid I've been," she was shaking her head, "He was your teacher. So he's like you, isn't he?"

Harry cursed internally. He hadn't thought of that. Of course she'd make the connection. How stupid of him. He thought about what to do. He guessed she wouldn't believe it if he were to deny it. But if he didn't, then she would confront Severus about it and then Severus would come storming in tomorrow to have his balls. He rubbed his nose again. He was aware he'd been doing that a lot the last few minutes.

"Fuck!" Rachida actually punched the pillow next to her before she jumped out of the sofa and started pacing.

"Rachida..." Harry tried, feeling a bit startled.

"No," she said resolutely and she held out a finger to silence him, "Crap, Harry, this is much bigger than I would have... Eight years, and he hasn't... Bloody bastard. But he's not getting away with this."

"Rachida, Severus is..."

"Screw him," she cut him off frostily, "I'm damn well tired of his lies. And he's gonna know it."

She went for the front door then, and Harry jumped up and followed her, heart crashing in his chest. He should stop her, shouldn't he?

"You shouldn't talk to him when you're this angry, you know that."

"Don't give me that 'You're not thinking clearly' - rubbish," she said fiercely, and, as Harry wanted to retort, she made a dismissive gesture, "Never mind. I know what to do."

And with those words, she'd opened the door and slammed it shut behind her.

Harry stood mutely in the hallway, debating with himself whether to go after her or not. He was convinced it was a bad idea to try to stop her. How things could have escalated so quickly he didn't know. He hung his head. William had come up behind him and was gently rubbing his shoulders. Neither man said anything.

I messed up, Harry thought, I messed up.

Oh fuck. I messed up.

HP

William had been right. Harry didn't even have to wait until noon before Severus came barging in at his office. Harry's assistant followed after Severus with an apologetic look on his face.

"Sorry," he sounded flustered, "Mister Snape doesn't have an appointment, but he emphasized it couldn't wait. Is that all right with you, Mister Potter?"

Severus had immediately sat down in the chair opposite him, arms on the elbow rest. Harry gauged him for a moment, but he couldn't detect a single emotion on the man's face. He swallowed. If he guessed correctly, that meant Severus was really mad. Why else would he keep himself so perfectly composed?

"No problem, Jasper," he answered politely, "Thank you for showing him in."

"Storm in, more likely," Jasper muttered very quietly, then closed the door behind him again.

Harry took in Severus' gaze. The mask had fallen off.

"Hm," Harry coughed, "I would invite you to take a seat, but it seems like a bad day for pleasantries."

"Exactly what do you think you're doing?" Severus hissed as he leaned forward in his chair. Harry looked at the man's balled up fist on the table. He sighed.

"Severus, I'm sorry..."

"Rachida's gone," he interrupted coldly, "Says she never wants to see me again. All because you spilled secrets to her. Why the fuck did you do that?"

Harry looked at his hands. He didn't know what to say.

"If this is some kind of despicable scheme to drive her away from me and try to get into my pants, I'm sorry to say you've only succeeded partly."

Harry sat back in his chair, trying hard not to let his anger show.

"I'm your friend," he remarked curtly, "But I have to say you're doing a pretty decent job at burning that bridge right now. You can either let me explain or you can leave, it's up to you."

"Oh, if it's up to me..." Severus started to sneer, eyes flashing dangerously, but Harry didn't give him a chance to finish. He knew where this was heading and he'd be damned if he'd let it escalate.

"For fuck's sake, Severus, I don't have time for this," he sighed, "Yes, I did magic in front of her. It was an accident, all right, I didn't realize I was doing it. But it was she that made the connection with you. I didn't tell her anything! I told her again and again it wasn't my place to say anything and that she should speak with you!"

"You should have denied it," Severus retorted harshly.

"It wouldn't have made a difference," Harry shook his head, "She'd already guessed and it would only have made her more angry. You didn't see her. She's a force of nature when she's mad."

"You're pathetic."

Harry took a deep breath and decided to let that one slide. It wouldn't further their conversation.

"I thought that perhaps she would have cooled down a bit during the drive home," he muttered.

"Obviously not."

Harry rubbed his face.

"She didn't take it well, then, I assume?"

"What do you think?"

Harry held out his hands in a desperate gesture.

"I don't know," he exclaimed, frustrated, "It seemed to me she was okay with the magic part. So I thought there might be some hope for you, if you only came out to her openly! That's what she took issue with in the first place: you not being honest with her."

Severus crossed his arms in front of him and sat back.

"You should have stayed out of this, Harry," he muttered bitingly.

"Hey, it was she that came to me," Harry countered, incensed, "And what choice did she really have with you leaving her hanging like that?"

Severus glared and gave him the silent treatment. Harry just sighed.

"What did she say when she came back?" he asked, "That she'd been at my place and that I told her all about you being able to do magic?"

Severus nodded reluctantly after a few seconds.

"You know now that's not true. I would never do such a thing and you should have realized that sooner," he continued, "What's more important, I think, is how you reacted. Wait, you didn't reveal anything about Death Eaters, did you? Because, after such a big revelation, that would have been too much for anyone."

"Of course not," Severus replied, irritated, "I'm not an imbecile!"

"Then what did you say?" Harry asked, "Remember, I'm only trying to help you here."

"There wasn't anything to tell. I simply denied everything."

Harry frowned.

"You what?"

"Harry, hasn't it occurred to you there might be a reason I've been keeping quiet to her about my past?"

"Of course," Harry replied, "I know your past almost as well as you do. And I'm pretty sure there isn't anything in it horrible enough to scare a woman like Rachida away."

Severus scoffed. Then he suddenly shrugged, resigned.

"Well, it's a moot point anyway. She left."

Harry shook his head.

"So let me get this straight. You saw how mad she was and you still denied everything?"

Harry didn't think Severus could look any more sour than he did.

He shook his head again.

"I admit I made a mistake, but you realize your reaction is probably what chased her away, do you?"

"That's ridiculous..."

"Severus, one of the last things she said when she left my house was that you weren't getting away with this. Does that sound like someone who's given up on you?"

"Harry, I wasn't about to tell her!"

"The woman's only loved you for eight long years," Harry replied, incredulous, "She deserved that much."

Severus pointedly averted his gaze.

"Look at William and me. It worked just fine for us, didn't it?"

"Well, you lived the life of a bloody hero," Severus replied, "You revealing everything just means you have one more person to fawn over you."

"I repeat: Rachida isn't that faint-hearted. You should have tried her."

Severus sighed, rubbed his face, then ran a hand through his hair and got up.

Harry looked up at him, a bit nonplussed.

"Never mind," Severus said, "What's done is done. I guess I have to live with it."

"You're not going to try to win her back?" Harry asked, disbelieving.

Severus shook his head. "I tried that with Lily once, remember?"

"For your information," Harry retorted, "I think you're an idiot."

To Harry's surprise, Severus sighed and nodded: "Probably."

He saw Severus eyeing the stack of papers on his deck.

"I'm sorry, I see you have a lot of work to do. I'll better leave you to it," he said, then added as an afterthought, "I shouldn't have gotten mad at you."

"Story of our life," Harry smiled hesitantly. As Severus walked to the door, he tilted his head and asked: "Do you want me to talk to Rachida?"

Severus turned around just slightly, doorknob in his hand.

"Heaven's forbid, no," he replied, "I'm just going to pick up my life where I left it. That's what I'm going to do."

As Harry shook his head, Severus seemed to think of something.

"Starting with our friendship, which I've really been neglecting," he continued, "Do you have time for a drink in the Hog's Head this Saturday?"

Harry knew it probably looked silly, but he didn't care. He couldn't help smiling softly.

HP

January the 14th 2026

The Ministry's Event Hall was absolutely packed. Harry thought that if they'd tried to cramm in one more person, the walls would probably collapse. Since Hermione took over the task of organizing the event, the annual New Year's drink seemed to attract ever more people. Harry took in the winterland-themed decorations from a safe corner of the room, resolved to stay as far away as possible from the punch bowl. Fifteen minutes earlier, when he had tried to get a drink, he'd first been addressed by Horace Slughorn, then by the Minister of Legal Affairs, and to top it off he'd been accosted by Gilderoy Lockhart and his wife. The tall, blonde woman had an aristocratic air about her and, with a smile that was both sincere and authoritative, she'd insisted to be introduced to 'the Saviour of the wizarding world'. Harry hadn't dared refuse. She'd held on to his hand awkwardly long, first praising Harry into the sky, then telling him about the many talents of her fiancé and in the end boasting about her own connections with the high and mighty. Harry had almost instantly known what she was up to and he had to supress a smile, because it seemed Lockhart had finally found his perfect match in this ambitious woman.

"Well, I don't know about the Wizengamot," Harry had answered her question, "but I've heard the Department of Muggle Affairs is still looking for new cleaning personnel. Perhaps mister Lockart can enquire there if he'd be interested?"

The woman had been taken aback for a moment, as Harry had expected, and he'd already seen his chance to make an elegant retreat. But then the woman had thrown a look at her fiancé and nodded thoughtfully.

"Well, yes," she'd mumbled absentmindedly, "You have to start somewhere, I guess."

She'd firmed her grip on his hand and had given him a winning smile.

"Perhaps I can ask if you'd be willing to support his candidacy then, Harry?" she actually beamed, "I'm sure you can imagine how happy we would be if my husband were to work for the Ministry."

Harry hadn't known whether to laugh or not. The woman was either incredibly daft or intriguingly cunning. He'd looked at Lockhart, who hadn't said a single word throughout their whole conversation and who was staring at the ground as if his laces had come loose and he was waiting for the go-ahead so he could tie them. Well well well. Harry almost felt sorry for him. Almost.

"I'll erm...," he'd coughed, losing the battle with the smile that was forcing his way through, "I'll see what I can do."

"Thank you," she'd smiled sincerily and Harry had nodded and pulled his hand free, glad to see Hermione emerging from the crowd.

"I have to... erm," he'd indicated with his head and as the woman followed his gaze, she'd nodded.

"Off course," she'd said, "I'm sorry to have taken up so much of your time."

No, you're not, Harry thought, but smiled.

"It was a pleasure meeting you. Perhaps until next time?" she'd winked.

Please not, Harry silently prayed.

He'd intercepted Hermione, relieved to have escaped, but after a short hug it became clear she was too busy arranging the party, and so he'd ended up in the quiet corner he'd been in for the past few minutes. His gaze fell on the large stage in front of the room. There was a small table on which Harry knew the Order of Merlin stood that was being awarded tonight. It was covered by a cloth for the big revelation. Harry sipped his drink and took a look at his watch. Severus had said he'd be a bit later, but Harry hoped he'd still be in time for the opening speech.

Last year Harry had taken William to the New Year's reception, but a very good friend of William had been recently diagnosed with cancer and it wasn't looking too good. William had felt obligated to accompany him to the hospital to find out if the first results of the chemotherapy were positive and, not without some regret, had to take a raincheck for the reception. He hadn't minded Harry had asked Severus to go with him instead. He understood perfectly why Harry didn't want to be alone in a room full of people that were following his every move. It had taken Harry some effort though, to persuade Severus to get down from his ivory tower at Holland and Barrett.

"I have to work," Severus had argued.

"It only starts at seven," Harry had replied.

"Well, I have to work until seven."

"Oh, come on Severus. I'm asking you as a friend."

It had taken him half an hour of pleading before Severus had reluctantly agreed. Now it was half past seven and Harry was beginning to wonder if Severus had decided to leave him to his own devices after all. From his secluded spot in the corner he'd been keeping an eye on the entrance, but there'd been no sign of the man so far. He looked at his watch again.

He wondered if Severus would have the courage to comply with the dress code of the party. Harry looked at his outfit and grimaced again. White wasn't his color, but Hermione had insisted on it, claiming a whole room filled with people wearing only white would look fantastic. As always, Harry had to admit she'd been right. The picture was perfect: the white, flowing robes, dresses and suits went effortlessly with the decorations. Harry admired Hermione's handiwork. Large, white trees lined the edges of the room, fluffy snow twirled from the enchanted ceiling, and there were high, round tables covered with some sort of transparent white silk. Soft, bluiish light was emanating from floating, glass bulbs, creating a mysterious effect. The woman had talent, there was no other word for it.

"Don't tell me you're actually marvelling at this... this rubbish?" Severus' voice came from behind him. Harry chuckled quietly and turned towards the sound. The man was dressed in his usual black attire, was the first thing he saw.

'I thought you didn't want to attract attention tonight," Harry remarked and patted Severus on the back by way of greeting.

"Hmm, yes," Severus smirked as he looked at his clothes, "It seems I made a judgemental mistake there."

"Shall I?" Harry offered, taking out his wand. He was a bit curious to find out how Severus would look in white.

"Certainly not!" the man blustered, eyes growing wide as he took a precautionary step back.

"It wouldn't kill you, you know," Harry mentioned, chuckling. Severus eyed Harry mistrustfully until he'd put his wand away again.

"It just might," he answered and Harry laughed out loud at that.

"Here," Harry chortled, "I've fetched you a glass of punch a few minutes ago. I believe it's tradition to toast to the New Year."

They clinked their glasses and took a moment to take a sip.

"It seems I haven't missed much?" Severus gaze wandered over the crowd.

"Kingsley will be giving the opening speech in just a few minutes," Harry confirmed as he followed Severus' gaze, "Have you heard the news about Lockhart, though?"

"Gilderoy?" Severus asked, eyeing Harry with a curious look now, "I haven't, no."

"They're going to award him an Order of Merlin tonight," Harry whispered, "Nobody knows yet but a few people, and Lockhart himself off course. Top secret stuff."

"You've got to be kidding me."

"Nuh-uh," Harry spoke quietly, "I heard his brand new financée made a real case for it. Caused quite a stir here at the Ministry. You remember his first Order of Merlin was retracted when it became clear he hadn't done any of the heroic things he'd been boasting about? Well, she claims now that Lockhart suffered horribly during the war – recall that memory charm that backfired on him in our second year? She argued that Order of Merlin was rightfully his for the trials he'd endured and had to be given back to him immediately."

"But how...?"

"Oh yeah, did I forget the part where she's funding the orphanage that the Ministry built after the war, for children who had lost their parents ? A huge benefactor, from what I heard."

Severus sighed and shook his head.

"It's always about money, isn't it?" he remarked, frowning.

"It is," Harry agreed, taking another sip. He let his eyes wander the crowd again. He debated whether he should tell Severus about what he'd done, or not.

"You know the Order of Merlin used to be a medal?" he heard himself say and despite everything he smiled. Apparently he was telling him. Okay, that was allright, Harry thought, because it was just Severus, wasn't it? The man nodded.

"And then they'd changed it to a small statue of a phoenix, in honor of Dumbledore's death?"

He saw Severus flinch for a moment and Harry could have bitten off his tongue. He'd forgotten that topic was still sensitive after all these years.

"It's over there, on the table, under the cloth," Harry pointed, "When I heard it was Lockhart who would receive it, I erm... I might have altered the statue a bit, just before the crowd came in."

He could see he had Severus' full attention now. Harry's lips curled up in a smile that couldn't be stopped even if he'd wanted to. Severus was looking at him with frank curiosity and there was a careful, questioning smirk on his face. Just then Kingsley's magnified voice called out over the crowd:

"Good evening, ladies and gentlemen," he spoke, "Good evening, and welcome. I thank you all for coming here tonight in such large numbers. First and foremost, my best and most sincere wishes for the new year. 2025 was a challenging year for some, but I think I speak for all of us when I say we were there for one another when it was needed. I wish to thank you all for the hard work all of you did and for the things we've accomplished together. I can only hope 2026 will continue in much the same way, with many great achievements we can be proud of. I daresay Miss Hermione Granger has already set the bar quite high by taking up the organisation of this amazing New Year's feast."

There was a round of applause, then Kingsley continued: "Not too worry, I will not be speaking long, because in my opinion speeches usually take up too much time, better spent on eating and drinking. But there is a special person we wish to laud tonight, at the beginning of a new year. Sir Gilderoy Lockhart, will you please come forward?"

The crowd applauded hesitantly as Lockhart climbed the stage. Harry had to admit he didn't look like a man who was overly enthousiastic at the prospect of receiving his trophy. Harry frowned a bit.

Kingsley introduced the man and launched into a compressed summary of the man's life and merits, leaving out the parts about wrestling with magical beasts and such Lockhart had lied about.

"Having recovered from a memory charm only a few years earlier, Lockhart has since been trying to put his life back on the rails. He has been sponsoring the Ministry's orphanage for many years now, for which we are of course tremendously thankful. For his courage, his generosity and for everything he went through to make the wizarding world a better place, we wish to award him with an Order of Merlin."

The applause, again, was hesitant, and the people had began to whisper amongst each other. Harry held his breath as Kingsley walked over to the table. With one careful movement Kingsley pulled away the cloth. A small, but clearly visible statue of a chicken was revealed to the crowd. Everyone fell silent. Harry bit his lip as he watched Kingsley and Lockhart stare at the thing. His heart started pounding as this whole joke suddenly appeared to him as a very bad, distasteful idea. How could he have thought this would be funny an hour ago? He should never had done it. What did he care if the man received a damn phoenix statue?

Then, for one eternal second, Severus' uncontrolled laughter rang loud and clear over the silence. He swallowed it instantly when he realized nobody else was laughing and put a hand over his mouth. He shot an incredulous but amused look at Harry, but immediately averted his gaze. Harry was thankful for that, because all around them, people were now starting to look for the person who could have pulled this prank. Harry felt like shit. This wasn't how he'd imagined it. It should have been funny, but it wasn't. Harry noticed Lockhart's fiancée, standing in front, looked anything but pleased.

On stage Lockhart seemed to have recovered from the surprise. Kingsley was clearly apologizing to him and, seeing that, Harry felt worse still. Then, to everyone's surprise, Lockhart picked up the statue and tried a hesitant smile. He addressed a few words of thanks, especially towards Kingsley and his fiancée. He held up the statue for everyone to see and promised he would find a prominent place for it in his house. The man was smiling broadly now, as if to communicate he could appreciate the joke.

Harry could only stare as Lockhart left the stage under moderate acclaim. The man had taken everything with such easy grace, Harry was truly impressed. And truly ashamed.

"Fuck," he whispered, and hung his head. He wondered if he should come out to Kingsley. His boss wasn't likely to be impressed by his behavior.

Harry jumped a little when Severus slung an arm over his shoulder.

"Perhaps we should get you something stronger," he proposed, "This punch is the worst I've had in many, many years. I'd say we go raid the kitchen."

Harry smiled at him. Then sighed. Then nodded.

HP

"How come you never showed up to receive your Order of Merlin?" Harry asked, half-jokingly. Severus looked at him sideways, then smirked, and Harry knew he wouldn't get a genuine answer. "Didn't you know? I couldn't come. I was suffering from a severe case of misguided modesty that day."

Harry laughed. He pulled in his legs and sat a little straighter. After they'd fetched a bottle of brandy and two glasses from the kitchen, Severus and he had wandered the halls for some time, until they'd found a spot where they'd sat down against the wall to have a drink. It had taken a while for Harry to come to terms with what he'd done earlier. He must have repeated how stupid he'd been about a dozen times, and Severus, not taking his lament serious for one moment, had of course agreed easily. It hadn't helped that Severus emphasized the joke had been hilarious, Harry was still resolved on explaining everything to Kingsley first thing Monday morning. Severus thought he was a fool, but Harry just waved that away.

"Let's talk about something else," Harry grumbled, "How are you holding up? It's been, what, just over three months now?"

"For the umptieth time, I'm fine," Severus rolled his eyes, "I've been without a partner for most of my life. If I didn't know how to handle it, do you think I would be here with you now, celebrating the new year?"

"I still can't believe you didn't fight for her. She seemed like the perfect woman for you."

"I realize I probably won't meet the likes of her again," Severus sighed, "Obviously I'm not cut out to have a Muggle relationship. Or a relationship with a Muggle, I should say."

"You're just stubborn," Harry muttered, and gestured at Severus with his glass, "And probably afraid people will like you for what you truly are."

"Hm, quite an astute analysis, I must say," Severus smiled condescendingly.

Harry punched him softly on the shoulder, then smiled and took a sip.

"You and William seem to be doing well," Severus remarked, "You've been together for how long?"

"Exactly three years now," Harry smiled, "Yeah, it's going great."

William had been promoted a few months ago. His boss, Emmett, had found another job, and the family who owned the shoe store hadn't immediately been able to find a replacement. So they'd asked William to lead the shop, and ever since he didn't have Emmett breathing down his neck anymore, William had been much more relaxed when he came home. Their sex life had certainly benefited from it.

"Do I want to know what that randy smirk means?" Severus smiled, frowning.

"I hope not," Harry shot back, feigning horror.

Severus punched him back, then added: "Well, I'm glad you're happy. I really am."

Harry smiled and played with the buttons on his cuff.

"I guess he isn't your first boyfriend?"

"Boyfriend!" Harry protested. He took a large, indignant gulp and then almost choked in it.

"I'm forty-six, you know!" he coughed, wiping his tears away.

"Oh, I'm sorry," Severus apologized, "My mistake. I can see the dribble on your chin now. Perhaps I'd better take you to a nursing home right away."

Harry hung his head and laughed. He put his chin in his hand (he knew there wasn't any dribble on it!) and took extra care not to spill the brandy.

"For your information, the sex is still great."

"I bet."

"Actually, it's only getting better."

Severus shook his head at that, trying to act as if he wasn't turning red.

"But to answer your question," Harry said, "Yes, William is the first."

Severus looked at him doubtfully.

"Mmh, I'm finding that hard to believe. I mean, you're 'The Saviour'... You must at least have had some one-night stands?"

"I'm sorry to disappoint you," Harry grinned and shook his head, "That wasn't my thing."

"I'm sure."

"What?"

"You expect me to believe you broke up with the mother of your children and then kept your hands above the sheets like an ignorant choir boy for almost ten years?"

Now it was Harry's time to blush.

"Well, I did kiss a few guys before I met William, of course."

Severus smirked and sneered: "Typically Gryffindor. You were a free man and what's the first thing you do? Chain yourself to someone else. You had a whole gay world of uncharted territory before you!"

"You'd be suprised how small that world really is," Harry told him, "I've been to some nightclubs in the beginning. It was always the same boring, pretentious people. It wasn't difficult to imagine how the sex would be."

Severus shrugged, but nodded to communicate he understood. He stared in front of him, a faraway look in his eyes.

"How does it feel, then," he asked as he took a swig, and wiped his mouth, "Kissing a man?"

Harry laughed and shook his head. "Different from kissing a woman," he deadpanned.

"Different how?"

Harry thought for a minute.

"Well," he said, "It's not soft. There's more roughness to it, more pushing and pulling. More tension. And at the same time it's more relaxed. You're not afraid to do something wrong, you know, because the other one' s just a guy too. It's actually a lot easier."

Severus nodded non-commitally. Harry just rolled his eyes.

"I've always liked kissing women," Severus shrugged, "I guess I like the subtlety and the softness that comes with it more."

"Ah, but I thought so too," Harry smiled, "But then I compared."

He thought for a minute, then frowned and shook his head. "Well... well, all right, I'll admit the first kiss wasn't much. But even then, it still made me realize I was never going back. Took away every trace of doubt I still had. I was like 'Yep, this is it, guys'."

"Really?" Severus asked, looking sceptical.

"Yeah," Harry nodded, "To be honest I was a little relieved to find I had a real, valuable reason to break up wit Ginny. In hindsight, we were really driving each other crazy there in the end."

Severus pursed his lips, looking unconvinced. Harry nudged him, smirking.

"Maybe you should try it some time."

"Hm?"

"Kissing a man. You should."

Severus snorted.

"No, seriously," Harry was grinning broadly now, "How else would you now for sure, if you haven't even examined?"

"You call that 'examine', do you?" Severus smiled back, "Do I look that gay to you?"

"You know it hasn't got anything to do with whether you look it or not. Do I look gay?"

"Well. No."

Harry made a gesture with his hand as if to say 'There you have it'.

Severus chortled and covered his eyes.

"And you'd be the willing victim, I bet?"

"Of course."

"I thought you would. You sleazy wench."

Harry burst out laughing. He realized he was really woozy, but it didn't matter. Severus was obviously tipsy as well, so... He looked at the bottle and picked it up.

"There's two more glasses in this," he observed, "What do you think?"

"A decidedly bad idea," Severus answered, and held up his glass.

"What did you do for Christmas actually?" Harry asked as he gave Severus a refill.

He shrugged. "Stayed at home. Read a book."

Harry eyed him. "Come off it, honestly?

"There was Thai take away and neighbours singing Christmas carols to keep me entertained."

"Oh, Severus, you should have told me. We could have invited you."

Severus wrinkled his nose and Harry knew better than to pursue the matter. It was a moot point in any case. Harry raised his glass.

"Anyway, to a happy new year," he suggested.

"Didn't we already toast to that?"

"To new year's resolutions, then."

"I'm not toasting to that."

Harry rolled his eyes and touched his glass to Severus'.

"I'm resolved on being more positive this year," Harry told him, "No more whining about colleagues. What about you?"

"I think I'm going to stop drinking," Severus smirked as he took another sip.

"Admirable," Harry smiled.

They both looked up at the sound of a door slamming somewhere, a few corridors further. They listened, but no sound of footsteps came their way.

"Well," Severus said, then fell silent as he stared ahead. He had a faraway look in his eyes. The man seemed to shake himself awake a moment later, and as he looked at Harry, he smiled.

"Well, talking about new year's resolutions," he continued, "Apparently I just made a new one."

"Oh?"

"Yes."

When nothing came forward, Harry asked: "Are you gonna tell me?"

"I'm so going to regret this," Severus smiled and shook his head, "But I want to try it."

"What, stop drinking?"

"You're probably right. How else would I know for sure if I haven't compared?"

Harry fell silent for a moment.

"Oh, you mean the 'kissing a man' - thing?"

Severus nodded.

"That was actually a joke, you know," Harry chuckled, "I'll admit, I'm not on top form today."

"Figures... You're chickening out?"

Harry's smile slowly slipped off his face as he realized Severus meant business.

"You mean...me?"

He trailed off, mouth slightly open.

"Shall I ask Lockhart instead?" Severus sneered.

Harry shook his head as he felt the beginnings of a smile tugging at his lips.

"Wow, this is likely your worst idea ever."

"Probably. Perhaps I'll just ask Horace Slughorn then."

"Come here," Harry beckoned him closer, smiling. Severus leaned towards him just enough so Harry could put an arm around his shoulder.

"Should I do something?" Severus asked stupidly.

"Just shut up," Harry mumbled. He felt Severus' warm breath on his face and it felt so simple to lean in and nibble on the man's lips. Severus froze for just a moment, but it lasted only a second and then Severus kissed him back, hesitantly. Harry could feel the man tasting him, almost sampling him. He sighed. He lost track of time. Didn't matter, it was warm and... and simply awesome, he thought. When he pulled his lips free again he saw Severus was a bit confused, but he couldn't mistake the small smile on the man's face. Encouraged, Harry put a hand on Severus' neck and pulled him back.

There wasn't any stubble, no tension, no roughness. Just an overwhelmingly relaxed feeling. Harry slowly breathed in and out through his nose. He could feel Severus' heartbeat at the pulse point in his neck and he smiled.

"All right?" he breathed, softly rubbing the man's neck as he observed him. There was a question in Severus' eyes, but Harry wasn't worried, he knew how to make the frown disappear, didn't he? He smiled broadly and dipped his head again.

He could hear Severus's sharp inhale and the next moment the man had drawn back. He held Harry at arm's length.

"Hold on, Harry. Stop," Severus whispered, shaking his head. He took a long look at Harry, than shook his head again.

"Fuck," he murmured and Harry could feel his heart sink as Severus shifted away.

"I thought we were... I mean... Wasn't this just...?"

Severys cursed and covered his eyes.

"You're still in love with me, aren't you?"

Harry clamped down hard, very hard, on his disappointment.

"I'm so sorry," Severus hung his head, "I've had too much to drink, I didn't think... I erm... Oh fuck, I shouldn't have done this."

For a moment the enormity of it all seemed to swallow Harry and he felt the sob high in his throat, just waiting to be released. He looked at Severus and the only thing he could think about was that he didn't want to lose him. So Harry bit back on the stinging sensation in his throat and swallowed. And swallowed. And swallowed again. He took a deep breath.

"It's allright," he mumbled, and he tried to keep his voice quiet so Severus couldn't hear it trembling.

"Shit, it's not allright," Severus bit his lip, "I've done it again. I've hurt you."

"Some," Harry conceded, "But it's okay, really."

"I should leave you alone. Apparently I'm not fit to keep you company."

"For Christ's sake," Harry sighed, "Will you please keep it together? I'm fine! I'm not falling apart, allright?"

Severus just stared at his hands. It seemed he was at a loss for words.

"I love you, I really do," Harry continued, "I shouldn't have allowed myself to believe... But I've been here before, and I know how to handle it. We wouldn't be friends if I hadn't proved I could. So stop it with the guilt already. It's useless."

Round, unsure eyes were staring at him.

"Are you going to tell William?" Severus asked quietly.

William.

Shit.

Harry had completely forgotten about him. Like, entirely forgotten the man existed at all. His mouth fell open slightly. Fuck. How...?

Harry struggled to get up. It didn't go fast enough and he cursed.

"Harry..."

"I have to go," he babbled, looking for support against the wall. He took a few unsteady steps back.

"I have to go," he repeated dumbly.

"Harry, it will break his heart. And... I'm sorry, but for what?"

Harry bit hard on his tongue. He fervently squeezed his eyes shut and shook his head. He just wanted to punch Severus really hard right then. Severus covered his eyes with his hand.

Harry cursed. He couldn't stay there a moment longer. He took a deep breath and spun on the spot.

HP