Part IV
The next hour became intense. The pressure point I had administered to myself had worn off. I the pains were coming regularly at three minutes apart. Gabrielle had ordered Hercules to wait out on the porch. She had heated water at her side, along with several small rags and blankets. I was getting scared. It wasn't just because the thought of giving birth again was scary, but it was because I knew that I would be holding my child in my arms very soon.
It was late in the afternoon, and I remembered being in labor and giving birth to Solan. Then I remembered seeing Borias' eyes for the last time as he looked at me and Solan. I was never really sure if Borias had seen his son before he died. Maybe he had just looked up because he sensed us there.
"Borias," I sobbed as I gripped Gabrielle's hand. She furrowed her brows.
"Xena?" she asked. "Borias . . . who is he?"
"Solan's father," I cried. "My son's father."
"What happened to him?" she questioned. She washed her hands in the basin of warm water. I closed my eyes for a moment.
"He died the night Solan was born."
"Where is your son?" she asked me. Normally I would have been annoyed by all of the questions, but I wasn't. I knew Gabrielle was curious about me. I trusted her.
"He lives with the Centaurs."
"Centaurs?" Gabrielle asked with wide eyes. I nodded solemnly. "You mean he has grown up all of his life thinking that his father is a Centaur?"
"I don't know," I answered. "I honestly didn't know how my son had been brought up. All I knew was that he looked happy and healthy. He was beautiful.
"When was the last time you saw him?"
"I caught a glimpse of him yesterday."
"Oh?" Gabrielle asked. I smiled over the pain. "Well, when you hold this baby in your arms, you'll feel all the love in the world. You'll feel all of the love you felt when you held your son in your arms for the first time."
"You're sure about that?" I asked. Gabrielle gave me a reassuring smile.
"Xena, I have delivered a dozen babies, and I've helped my mother deliver several. I have witnessed hundreds of births. Not one time did I see a woman who didn't fall in love with the child in her arms. I'm confident that you won't be any different." I had hoped that Gabrielle was right. I wanted to feel that bond with my child, and I subconsciously knew that I would. I felt a sharp pain surge through me again and I screamed in pain. Gabrielle checked me again.
"Oh . . ." I moaned in pain.
"You're getting close," Gabrielle said soothingly, brushing the hair out of my face. I breathed heavily and the pain got worse. My legs were trembling now because my baby's head was down in the birth canal and I knew that very soon, I would be giving birth. "I can see the baby's head, Xena."
"Gabrielle!" I cried. She took my hand and I squeezed hers. I cried out as the contractions came right on top of each other.
"You're doing great!" Gabrielle urged as she washed her hands in the warm water again. She put a small blanket down on the bed and she put her hands on my stomach again. "The baby's coming down easily. No worries . . ."
"Then you try doing this then!" I screamed out with frustration. My angry words didn't phase Gabrielle, and I knew she was used to this. I knew I should have been listening to her.
"Just breathe," Gabrielle whispered. I took a deep breath and exhaled deeply. I breathed in again. "Push as hard as you can, Xena!" I was so scared, but I grabbed Gabrielle's shoulders and I held myself up as I pushed with all of the power that was left in me. I felt all of the painful memories of Solan's birth come rushing back in a more painful form. I cried out and I let go of Gabrielle. I didn't think I was going to survive for a moment until Gabrielle said those four magical words. "The head is out." I gasped for air and I began to cry.
The minutes began to pass by and the baby was coming out slowly. The next three minutes seemed to take an eternity and a half. But as soon as I heard the cries of my child, I knew it was over. I collapsed onto my pillow and I closed my eyes as Gabrielle separated the child from me. I felt a strange sense of relief and guilt all at once. I could hear the baby's cries and the splashing of the water as Gabrielle cleaned off the baby. I felt something heavy against my chest and I could feel that my child was in my arms. I was afraid to look.
"Open your eyes, Xena," said Gabrielle. "Look at your daughter." When I heard Gabrielle say that, I got a picture in my head of what she looked like. My eyes slowly opened and I looked down at my child with tears in my eyes. She was the most beautiful creature I had ever seen. She had deep blue eyes and a little dark black hair. She looked just like me. As soon as she looked up at me, she stopped crying for a moment and tried to focus her eyes on me. When she couldn't, she began to cry even more. Holding her in my arms felt so incredible. I was so relaxed and I felt so loved as I looked into her eyes. I could see how much she loved me already, and she was just a minute old. My heart was swollen with amazing, wonderful feelings towards my newborn child.
"Hello, baby girl," I whispered, rocking her back and forth and nuzzling her cheek with my nose. She was wrapped in a little white blanket she was so warm that within a few minutes, she was sleeping against my chest. I couldn't stop staring down at her as Gabrielle cleaned me up. This child was the most perfect, amazing thing I'd seen in years. I loved her so much already and I had forgotten about my plan to give her up. I knew in the back of my mind that it would be best for her if I did, but at that moment, nothing mattered except for her.
Gabrielle covered me with a blanket and I lay there with my daughter sleeping in my arms just minutes after her birth.
"You're tired, huh?" I asked my baby as Gabrielle put a couple more logs on the fire to keep us warm. I looked up at Gabrielle. "You might want to let Hercules in. He might want to meet his daughter." Gabrielle nodded and she walked over to the door and opened it. Hercules walked in slowly and he looked at me as I lay with our baby. Gabrielle left the house to go finish some chores outside, and Hercules slowly sat down at my bedside. I looked at him and he smiled at me. "You want to hold our daughter?" Hercules smiled at me and he picked up the baby into his arms and he held her close. Tears were in his eyes and he looked so happy.
"Hello little one," Hercules whispered as he rocked our daughter back and forth. He looked at me and we smiled at each other. He leaned over and pressed a tender kiss to my lips. He looked back at the baby and he began to talk to her, telling her everything he thought about her and it brought a feeling of love and adoration into my heart. I smiled at them, and watched them for a few moments before my eyes drifted shut and I fell into a deep sleep.
*~*
When I woke up, I was surrounded by darkness. Gabrielle was sleeping in the cot next to mine while Hercules slept in a chair by the door. I was so stiff and sore as I sat up in my bed. I peered over to see my newborn daughter sleeping in the cradle next to the bed. She was awake but she wasn't crying. I realized that she must have been hungry, so I picked her up into my arms and I exposed a breast. She nuzzled up to me and began to suckle comfortably. I leaned my head back on my pillow and I wondered what I was going to do now. I had this perfect child in my arms and I didn't want to let her go. It was hard to leave Solan with Caleiopus, but I had managed. Over time, the pain wasn't as bad because I knew that Solan was happy and safe. But how was I going to give her away?
I needed to walk. I was sore, but I needed to let my muslces have some exercise. I slowly got out of bed and I carried my child with me. I walked out onto Gabrielle's porch and I slowly sat down in a rocking chair. I was so careful and quiet with the baby. I didn't want to startle her. I wanted her to feel safe with me. I wanted to know she was okay. I looked out at the starry sky and I realized that I hadn't had a moment of peace like that in years. Not since I was a child. I would sit on my grandparents porch and I'd carve my initials in the wooden poles. I would sit outside on my grandpa's lap and look up at the constellations. Those were the most peaceful times of my life. And a few years down the road, I became a warrior.
"What are you thinking about?" came a voice as I snapped out of my thoughts. I was surprised to find that Ares was standing on the porch, leaning against the railing. I was surprised that I hadn't sensed him earlier.
"The old days," I replied quietly.
"Your warrior days?"
"I'm still a warrior, Ares. But I'm also a mother," I replied. I had surprised myself. I had called myself a mother. I was already too attached to the baby. "I was thinking about when I was a child."
"That wasn't too long ago, you know?" Ares asked, sitting down in a chair beside me. We looked like a married couple as we rocked side by side and as I held the baby in my arms.
"I know," I answered quietly.
"I'm surprised you aren't giving me any of your famous comebacks."
"I'm too tired for that," I replied, looking down at the infant in my arms. "I'm just happy."
"Happy?" Ares asked. "So this is what you think you're suited for? Being a mother and a doting wife?"
"No. I don't think I deserve to be a mother. But I am. And I don't know what I'm going to do from this point on. But I do know one thing. I will never be your warrior queen. I will never fight for evil again. That's over. I'm done, Ares." I stood again and I took the baby inside of the house and closed the door. I didn't want to face anyone right then. I just wanted to bond with my child and try to figure out what I was going to do. I had a decision to make, and it seemed as thought I had already made it. I was so happy with the baby, but I didn't know how to keep her safe. I realized that I was too tired and happy to think about it. As soon as the baby finished eating, I put her back down in her cradle and I crawled back under the covers and promised myself that I would give it some more thought in the morning.
The next hour became intense. The pressure point I had administered to myself had worn off. I the pains were coming regularly at three minutes apart. Gabrielle had ordered Hercules to wait out on the porch. She had heated water at her side, along with several small rags and blankets. I was getting scared. It wasn't just because the thought of giving birth again was scary, but it was because I knew that I would be holding my child in my arms very soon.
It was late in the afternoon, and I remembered being in labor and giving birth to Solan. Then I remembered seeing Borias' eyes for the last time as he looked at me and Solan. I was never really sure if Borias had seen his son before he died. Maybe he had just looked up because he sensed us there.
"Borias," I sobbed as I gripped Gabrielle's hand. She furrowed her brows.
"Xena?" she asked. "Borias . . . who is he?"
"Solan's father," I cried. "My son's father."
"What happened to him?" she questioned. She washed her hands in the basin of warm water. I closed my eyes for a moment.
"He died the night Solan was born."
"Where is your son?" she asked me. Normally I would have been annoyed by all of the questions, but I wasn't. I knew Gabrielle was curious about me. I trusted her.
"He lives with the Centaurs."
"Centaurs?" Gabrielle asked with wide eyes. I nodded solemnly. "You mean he has grown up all of his life thinking that his father is a Centaur?"
"I don't know," I answered. "I honestly didn't know how my son had been brought up. All I knew was that he looked happy and healthy. He was beautiful.
"When was the last time you saw him?"
"I caught a glimpse of him yesterday."
"Oh?" Gabrielle asked. I smiled over the pain. "Well, when you hold this baby in your arms, you'll feel all the love in the world. You'll feel all of the love you felt when you held your son in your arms for the first time."
"You're sure about that?" I asked. Gabrielle gave me a reassuring smile.
"Xena, I have delivered a dozen babies, and I've helped my mother deliver several. I have witnessed hundreds of births. Not one time did I see a woman who didn't fall in love with the child in her arms. I'm confident that you won't be any different." I had hoped that Gabrielle was right. I wanted to feel that bond with my child, and I subconsciously knew that I would. I felt a sharp pain surge through me again and I screamed in pain. Gabrielle checked me again.
"Oh . . ." I moaned in pain.
"You're getting close," Gabrielle said soothingly, brushing the hair out of my face. I breathed heavily and the pain got worse. My legs were trembling now because my baby's head was down in the birth canal and I knew that very soon, I would be giving birth. "I can see the baby's head, Xena."
"Gabrielle!" I cried. She took my hand and I squeezed hers. I cried out as the contractions came right on top of each other.
"You're doing great!" Gabrielle urged as she washed her hands in the warm water again. She put a small blanket down on the bed and she put her hands on my stomach again. "The baby's coming down easily. No worries . . ."
"Then you try doing this then!" I screamed out with frustration. My angry words didn't phase Gabrielle, and I knew she was used to this. I knew I should have been listening to her.
"Just breathe," Gabrielle whispered. I took a deep breath and exhaled deeply. I breathed in again. "Push as hard as you can, Xena!" I was so scared, but I grabbed Gabrielle's shoulders and I held myself up as I pushed with all of the power that was left in me. I felt all of the painful memories of Solan's birth come rushing back in a more painful form. I cried out and I let go of Gabrielle. I didn't think I was going to survive for a moment until Gabrielle said those four magical words. "The head is out." I gasped for air and I began to cry.
The minutes began to pass by and the baby was coming out slowly. The next three minutes seemed to take an eternity and a half. But as soon as I heard the cries of my child, I knew it was over. I collapsed onto my pillow and I closed my eyes as Gabrielle separated the child from me. I felt a strange sense of relief and guilt all at once. I could hear the baby's cries and the splashing of the water as Gabrielle cleaned off the baby. I felt something heavy against my chest and I could feel that my child was in my arms. I was afraid to look.
"Open your eyes, Xena," said Gabrielle. "Look at your daughter." When I heard Gabrielle say that, I got a picture in my head of what she looked like. My eyes slowly opened and I looked down at my child with tears in my eyes. She was the most beautiful creature I had ever seen. She had deep blue eyes and a little dark black hair. She looked just like me. As soon as she looked up at me, she stopped crying for a moment and tried to focus her eyes on me. When she couldn't, she began to cry even more. Holding her in my arms felt so incredible. I was so relaxed and I felt so loved as I looked into her eyes. I could see how much she loved me already, and she was just a minute old. My heart was swollen with amazing, wonderful feelings towards my newborn child.
"Hello, baby girl," I whispered, rocking her back and forth and nuzzling her cheek with my nose. She was wrapped in a little white blanket she was so warm that within a few minutes, she was sleeping against my chest. I couldn't stop staring down at her as Gabrielle cleaned me up. This child was the most perfect, amazing thing I'd seen in years. I loved her so much already and I had forgotten about my plan to give her up. I knew in the back of my mind that it would be best for her if I did, but at that moment, nothing mattered except for her.
Gabrielle covered me with a blanket and I lay there with my daughter sleeping in my arms just minutes after her birth.
"You're tired, huh?" I asked my baby as Gabrielle put a couple more logs on the fire to keep us warm. I looked up at Gabrielle. "You might want to let Hercules in. He might want to meet his daughter." Gabrielle nodded and she walked over to the door and opened it. Hercules walked in slowly and he looked at me as I lay with our baby. Gabrielle left the house to go finish some chores outside, and Hercules slowly sat down at my bedside. I looked at him and he smiled at me. "You want to hold our daughter?" Hercules smiled at me and he picked up the baby into his arms and he held her close. Tears were in his eyes and he looked so happy.
"Hello little one," Hercules whispered as he rocked our daughter back and forth. He looked at me and we smiled at each other. He leaned over and pressed a tender kiss to my lips. He looked back at the baby and he began to talk to her, telling her everything he thought about her and it brought a feeling of love and adoration into my heart. I smiled at them, and watched them for a few moments before my eyes drifted shut and I fell into a deep sleep.
*~*
When I woke up, I was surrounded by darkness. Gabrielle was sleeping in the cot next to mine while Hercules slept in a chair by the door. I was so stiff and sore as I sat up in my bed. I peered over to see my newborn daughter sleeping in the cradle next to the bed. She was awake but she wasn't crying. I realized that she must have been hungry, so I picked her up into my arms and I exposed a breast. She nuzzled up to me and began to suckle comfortably. I leaned my head back on my pillow and I wondered what I was going to do now. I had this perfect child in my arms and I didn't want to let her go. It was hard to leave Solan with Caleiopus, but I had managed. Over time, the pain wasn't as bad because I knew that Solan was happy and safe. But how was I going to give her away?
I needed to walk. I was sore, but I needed to let my muslces have some exercise. I slowly got out of bed and I carried my child with me. I walked out onto Gabrielle's porch and I slowly sat down in a rocking chair. I was so careful and quiet with the baby. I didn't want to startle her. I wanted her to feel safe with me. I wanted to know she was okay. I looked out at the starry sky and I realized that I hadn't had a moment of peace like that in years. Not since I was a child. I would sit on my grandparents porch and I'd carve my initials in the wooden poles. I would sit outside on my grandpa's lap and look up at the constellations. Those were the most peaceful times of my life. And a few years down the road, I became a warrior.
"What are you thinking about?" came a voice as I snapped out of my thoughts. I was surprised to find that Ares was standing on the porch, leaning against the railing. I was surprised that I hadn't sensed him earlier.
"The old days," I replied quietly.
"Your warrior days?"
"I'm still a warrior, Ares. But I'm also a mother," I replied. I had surprised myself. I had called myself a mother. I was already too attached to the baby. "I was thinking about when I was a child."
"That wasn't too long ago, you know?" Ares asked, sitting down in a chair beside me. We looked like a married couple as we rocked side by side and as I held the baby in my arms.
"I know," I answered quietly.
"I'm surprised you aren't giving me any of your famous comebacks."
"I'm too tired for that," I replied, looking down at the infant in my arms. "I'm just happy."
"Happy?" Ares asked. "So this is what you think you're suited for? Being a mother and a doting wife?"
"No. I don't think I deserve to be a mother. But I am. And I don't know what I'm going to do from this point on. But I do know one thing. I will never be your warrior queen. I will never fight for evil again. That's over. I'm done, Ares." I stood again and I took the baby inside of the house and closed the door. I didn't want to face anyone right then. I just wanted to bond with my child and try to figure out what I was going to do. I had a decision to make, and it seemed as thought I had already made it. I was so happy with the baby, but I didn't know how to keep her safe. I realized that I was too tired and happy to think about it. As soon as the baby finished eating, I put her back down in her cradle and I crawled back under the covers and promised myself that I would give it some more thought in the morning.
