I'm sorry if this story has been making so many of you cry. I should probably warn you that this chapter is drowning in angst, but I promise it won't last forever.
Okay, so that's a lie...you know I'm all about the angst, and Bella & Edward's problems aren't going to dissolve quickly like a packet of Benefiber in a glass of water. They have a lot of things to work through, as you can understand, and it's not going to be a cake walk.
Stephenie Meyer owns Twilight, but I own tickets for New Moon on Thursday & Friday night and a Gold VIP pass for the Toronto TwiCon in July.
A HUGE thanks to the trifecta of terrific: Katmom, Minnakoda, and Sophila Tantrum
This chapter is brought to you by the letter A for Angst, Anger, Arguing, and ABBA
Emmett
When I got home shortly after one, I was surprised to find Edward waiting up for me. He looked a mess; his already unruly hair was even more dishevelled than usual, his eyes were red and swollen, his right leg was bouncing a mile a minute and his lip was bleeding.
"What happened? Did you get in a fight?"
"No."
"Then what?"
"I…I…uh…well…I went to talk to…Jasper." He nervously played with the hem of his shirt.
"How do you know Jasper?"
"He practically carried you into the house last night, dumbass."
"Oh yeah," I said. Some of the events of the previous night were still a bit of a blur to me. I took off my shoes and walked to the fridge to grab a beer. Cracking it open, I chugged back at least half of it. I knew the conversation we were about to have was going to be tough. I grabbed a second one so I wouldn't have to get up again, and went to sit with Edward. "Spill it, bro."
"Jasper and I talked about…things…and he made me think about some things…and…hey, are you going to give me that beer or not?"
"No. I'm willing to bet that you've had at least one or two of your happy pills and you know that one beer plus happy pills equals messy Eddie."
"Hell, Em," he grumbled.
"How many?" I asked, almost afraid to know the number. I begged my father to stop letting the doctors prescribe that shit to him, but no one would listen. I bet they would if they had to spend a night with him like this.
"Three."
I shook my head and was dreading the answer to the next question because I had a feeling I knew the answer. "Which kind?"
"Rivitrol."
Crap, Rivitrol was the one anti-anxiety medication that I didn't want him taking right now; it always made him so wonky and out of it. "Aw, geez, Edward, how are you even awake? One Rivvie usually knocks you on your ass."
He raked his fingers through his hair. Dude is going to be bald by the time he's thirty if he keeps this up. "I'm a wreck. I've got a lot on my mind."
"You've worried a hole in your lip again, little brother."
Edward raised a shaking finger to his lip and cursed when he saw blood. He walked unsteadily toward the kitchen. "Emmett, I need to talk to Bella."
"You're damn right you do, kiddo."
He returned to lean against the old brown recliner with a cloth held to his lip, and a beer in his other hand.
I tried pleading with him. "Dude, I'm begging you; no booze."
"Please, Em, I'm having a hard night. I heard her, Emmett; she was having a panic attack. Jasper had to run home to calm her down."
I sat up straight. "What time was that?"
"About two or three hours ago."
"Shit. She was having one when I went over to pick up Rosie. I thought I'd calmed her down. Jesus." I ran my fingers through my short hair, frustrated.
Edward seemed to have a moment of clarity. "I'm so sorry, Em, how did your date go?"
"It was great. That Rosie's a real firecracker." I smiled broadly at him. After I managed to get Rosie calmed down after the Bella debacle, we went out to eat at a quasi-fancy restaurant where I couldn't pronounce half of what was on the menu, but man, did it taste good; and so did she. While we waited for our food, I snacked on her hand, her neck, her cheek. I worried that maybe she wasn't liking it, that perhaps I was moving too fast, but when I felt her hand on my thigh, I knew I was golden. I wasn't even paying attention to the food they brought us; I was too focused on the beauty beside me. This was the girl I was going to marry; there was no doubt in my mind.
Edward cocked an eyebrow. "Why are you home so early?"
Oh, shit, Edward's talking to me. Oops. "We're going to take it slow."
Beer shot out of his mouth and nose, causing him to choke. I ran over and pounded him on the back. "Breathe brother; come on, cough it out."
"I'm...cough…okay…cough," he said, continuing to choke.
"Am I to assume that my baby brother is shocked by my statement?"
"Uh, yeah."
"Why? Why is that so hard to understand?" I teased. I knew that my reputation as a smooth-talking, womanizer preceded me.
"Hello?" he said, knocking on my head. "Manwhore?"
I laughed so loud that Edward jumped. "My manwhore days are over. I told you that I almost banged one of my student's mothers, right? I can't chance that happening again. Besides, I really like her. I don't want to mess it up."
"Aw, my big brother is growing up! I'm so proud!" he joked, his words starting to run together.
"Seriously, it's different with her; there's a connection or something."
He rolled his drooping eyes. "Yeah, between you and her tits last night."
Silence filled the room as my eyes glazed over and a smile lit up my face. "Mm…Rosie does have great tits, doesn't she?"
Edward rolled his eyes again. "Anyway, back to Bella; what happened to ssset her off?" He started slurring his words a bit. Shit. I was in for it soon.
My Rosie-glow faded quickly. "I'm not sure. Rose thinks she said something that upset her. When I got there, she was screaming and slamming a door. Naked. Sound familiar?"
"You saw her naked? You saw MY Bella naked?" Edward leaped unsteadily to his feet.
"Easy, there, little brother. I've probably seen her naked more than you have. I was the one who had to help dress her some days. I was the one who had to help her wipe her ass when her arms wouldn't work."
And I had. When Bella started coming out of the coma, she was useless. I figured that people just sort of woke up from a coma and went on with things; at least that how it always worked on TV. I found out the hard way that no, that's not how it works at all. Bella had been completely unresponsive for about three or four weeks; just a body on a bed, but then one day when I was talking to her, her hand squeezed mine. Dad had said it was probably a reflex action, but I knew Baby Girl was still in there somewhere. I began asking her every chance I had to squeeze my hand, or to open her eyes. I tapped on her forehead because I knew it drove her crazy. I just wanted to get an actual reaction out of her. Over the next few days her grip on my hand got stronger and she was responding a little bit better to my requests. I would ask her to squeeze and a couple of minutes later, she would.
"Did I tell you that it was five weeks after the accident that she finally opened her eyes and looked right at us? Mom and I both cried and hugged each other. A week later she was able to respond to questions with blinks. Two months to the day that it had all happened, she said her first word: Emma. It sounded more like Eh-a, but we knew what she was saying; she was asking where Emma was. Any time we would show her photographs of people, she always pointed at Emma. Then she would point at you and say, Ed-ard.
"We weren't exactly sure how to tell her. Finally, Mom couldn't take it anymore, and against the doctors' opinions, she told her. It was then that I thought for sure we were really going to lose Bella. She wouldn't look at anyone, she wouldn't try to talk, and she wouldn't squeeze our hands. She stared blankly at the ceiling for a week, tears streaming intermittently down her cheeks as she lay there."
Edward sobbed and I smiled sadly at the memory I was about to impart on him. "One day she snapped out of it, looked at me and said in a tiny voice, help, Em, and I vowed I would.
"Edward, buddy, you don't know the half of what we went through with Bella, and what she had to endure. I know I've told you some things over the years, but really, dude, you have no idea. Mom said not to tell you, that you were too fragile, but you need to know. I'm not going to bombard you all at once, but dude, she couldn't move by herself. She couldn't hold her head up, move her hands to wipe her tears, she couldn't feed herself, and again, she couldn't wipe her own ass when they finally took her off the liquid diet.
"I carried her around like a rag doll until we were able to get some muscle tone back. Some days she'd lay there and beg me not to touch her because she was hurting so bad. She'd lay on the bed and fight to find a way to say the words she needed to say."
I looked over at Edward, who was sitting on the floor, rocking back and forth, crying. I was pushing him too far, I knew it, but he needed to know. It should have been him there, not me. Not that I wouldn't have done it, because I would do anything for Baby Girl.
"Did I ever tell you about the rages? Huh? She would get so frustrated, so angry, that she would fly into these rages and she would hit, bite, kick, scream at anyone who was nearby. She called me and Mom some of the worst names, and it hurt, but Dad told us that it wasn't her fault, that rages like that came part and parcel with the type of head injury that she had.
"Some days she'd forget what had happened and we'd have to tell her. Again and again, we'd have to break the news to her that Emma and her parents were dead and you had left. We had to watch her fall apart every time and try to piece her back together.
"Then there were the times she'd ask what she'd done to make you leave. She couldn't understand that it wasn't her fault and I don't think she does even now. How the hell was I supposed to explain that to her? A person with a normal brain would have a hard time processing that kind of information, but what about her? Her brain was mangled, she had a hard time processing the concept of up and down, so how was she going to grasp the fact that you were a coward and it was you and it wasn't anything she'd done."
Edward tugged at his hair as he listened to me speaking. "Enough," he croaked.
Pulling his hands away from his head, I knelt down and got in his face so all he could see was me because I needed him to focus. "Get it together, Edward. You can't hide from it anymore. It's been almost five years and I'm not going to let you do this. You owe it to Bella to suck it up and face her. She deserves to understand why you ran out on her when she needed you most."
Edward's breathing became laboured and I knew from experience that things were about to get bad. I was kicking myself because I had gone too far; this one was my fault. I hoped he was too tired to do any door slamming or throwing of inanimate objects as he sometimes did when he was in full meltdown mode.
Panic attacks for Edward came in two forms: he'd either seize up, struggle to breathe, and sometimes pass out, or he'd pull what Bella did and start slamming things or biffing things around. I think the latter was more an angry outburst and by the way he was going all google-eyed on me, I could tell that this would be a standard, can't-catch-my-breath-oh-my-god-I'm-dying panic attack. The problem was that I couldn't give him any more pills, he'd had too many, and he'd been drinking. I don't think he realized just how dangerous it was for him to mix them, and I didn't want to deal with him overdosing again, even if this time it wasn't intentional.
"Aw, shit, Edward." Fuck, not this again. "Calm down; you've had too many pills tonight and you shouldn't have been drinking, you're going to have to ride this panic attack out."
"Can't…I…I…can't face her…" he gasped.
My arms are getting a good workout tonight, I thought as I pulled my younger brother into a hug. "Come on, kiddo, it doesn't have to be this hard. Pull it together. You're not alone. We'll all be there to help."
"Why?"
"Why? Because you two aren't the only ones hurting. Alice has been holding Bella together for years, so have Jasper and Rosalie. It's hard on them; they're always worried, walking on eggshells. From what I understand, she'd been doing a lot better, and only freaking out on the anniversary of the crash and Emma's birthday."
"Then," he said shakily, "then she saw me."
"Yup. Breathe, buddy, your lips are turning blue. Everything is going to be okay. Calm down."
"Pill, please?"
"No. No more pills."
Edward was shaking. "Please," he pleaded, gasping, "I'm…I'm hurting."
"I know you're hurting, we're all hurting, you self-centered prick."
Pushing away from me, Edward fell to the floor and curled up in a ball, grabbing his sweat pant-clad legs and rocking back and forth.
"Do I have to call Dr. Whitlock?" I said, pulling my phone from my pocket.
"No. Just give me a pill so I can sleep," he replied in a breathy whisper.
"Damn it, Edward, how the hell are you going to make this right if you go fetal when you think about it? I told Mom we should have made you face it back then, drag you back from Alaska instead of mollycoddling you. I wish you would get a grip and face up to what you did."
Getting down on my knees, I looked Edward in the eye. "You ran like a coward when Bella needed you. You couldn't handle the heat, so you left the kitchen. I know you lost your baby, but you still had Bella and you flaked on her. She had nothing when she woke up, you left her with nothing, you selfish little shit! You need to man up and do the right thing. I'm tired of cleaning up after you, little man, and I'm not going to do it for much longer. Emmett Cullen is getting pretty sick and fucking tired of being the fall guy. I have babied you long enough."
Edward tried to say something but I stopped him. "I don't want to hear any excuses. No more. There is NO excuse for what you did."
"I know," he said through blue lips.
"Breathe, damn it. You're going to pass out on me again and I'm not carrying you to bed." I slapped Edward's face when his eyes began to droop. "Snap out of it. You're stronger than you think."
Obviously, he wasn't. He passed out, and being the big pansy that I am, I picked his sorry ass up and carried him to bed. I pulled his t-shirt shirt and pants off, removed my own, and crawled into bed with him, too afraid I'd come in in the morning and find he'd stopped breathing overnight.
Bella
"Alice?" I asked, poking her lightly.
"Mm?"
"What happened?" I felt like I was in a bubble.
"Nothing. Go back to sleep."
"Okay." The drugs were really doing a number on me and sleep wasn't hard to find again.
Edward
"Edward?"
I heard my brother's muffled voice and when I tried to answer him, the only thing that left my mouth, which suddenly felt like it was full of cotton balls was, "Mm?"
"Just checking to see if you're still alive."
"Mm-hmm."
"Go back to sleep."
"M'okay."
Bella
I snapped out of my fog sometime after dawn. Sometimes the combination of the panic attacks and the drugs I took to ease them made me feel like I lived in a bin full of cotton ball quicksand and it was hard to pull myself out of it.
Looking to my left, I saw Alice curled around me, her small, pointy face pulled into somewhat of a grimace. She was twitching a little bit, and I wondered what she was dreaming about. To my right was Jasper, who was also wrapped around me and his face was also looking pained. I realized at that point that neither one of them was touching the other. I slowly extricated myself from their hold so as not to wake them up completely, but rouse them enough to get them into another position.
Like two magnets, the moment I was out of the way, they groped for the other and as soon as they joined up, their faces relaxed, and I think I heard them sigh. It was really cute, almost sickeningly so, just how attuned to each other they were. Jasper pulled Alice into him, nuzzled her hair, and mumbled something inaudible. It was hard not to smile, because their love was palpable, and it would stand the test of time, tragedy, and anything else the fates could throw their way.
I knew the feeling of love like that. It was the way I used to feel about Edward.
What was I going to do about that? I hadn't even spoken to him yet, and I was already a disaster area. Dealing with Emmett was hard enough, but worthwhile because I NEEDED Emmett in my life. Em was my rock. He always had been and I knew he always would be, even though I left him high and dry at a horrible time.
Wait.
Shit.
As I looked in the mirror, I didn't see my tangled mane of mahogany hair, or the bloodshot brown eyes, I saw a hypocrite.
And I didn't like it one bit.
Alice
The unbelievable smell of vanilla wafting through the house woke me from a deep sleep the next day. I smiled, stretched, yawned, and rolled over to face Jasper. It was hard to resist, so I didn't; I stuck a finger up his nose, inciting an annoyed grunt.
"Aliiii," he groaned. "What's your damage?"
"Waffles."
Both of my baby's beautiful blue eyes shot open. "Waffles? Really?"
I smiled. "Yup."
"Oh, thank God! Does that mean it's over?"
"I hope so. Let's get up and see."
"But we don't have to work today. I want to sleep in," he whined sleepily.
The sound of ABBA playing in the kitchen made us both smile.
"It's over!" he exclaimed, jumping from the bed.
If there was one incredibly wonderful thing about Bella, it was that she was predictable. When she was struggling, she wouldn't eat, wouldn't cook, and would only listen to depressing music. When the crisis was over, she could be found in the kitchen, having a dance party while cooking. The sight that greeted us as we entered the kitchen was a sure sign that she was feeling better; she was dancing around in her red plaid pyjama pants, a tank top, and singing Waterloo into a wooden spoon as she monitored the waffle maker.
I squeezed Jasper's hand before running to Bella's side to twirl her around as we danced and sang. Jasper sashayed over to answer the knock at the door and returned with his sister. The four of us danced and sang until Bella declared that breakfast was served.
Each one of us gave her a hug and a kiss before sitting down to eat.
"Someone's feeling better by the look of things, am I right?"
"Yup, much. Thank you," she said, taking a drink of her orange juice.
"Good. We were getting worried," Rosalie added.
"I know. I really am sorry. This all has to be so unfair to you guys."
"Well..." I started, but before I could finish, Bella interrupted me.
"I have an announcement, and I need to say it now before I change my mind," Bella said seriously.
Six very nervous eyes stared at her.
She puffed out her chest, took a deep breath, and said with conviction, "I am ready to talk to Edward."
Emmett
I held the phone away from my face as I spit the milk from my Cheerios across the room. "She's what?"
Rosalie said it again, as incredulous as she had been the first time she said it. "She's ready to talk to Edward. I know; Jasper choked on his waffles when she made her big announcement."
"She made waffles? Man, I miss her waffles," I added sadly.
"She saved you some."
"Tell her I love her," I said, smiling. "So, when does she want to do this?"
"As soon as possible."
"Well, we had a bad night last night. Really bad. He'll probably sleep most of the day. I'll let him know when he gets up."
"Thanks. Oh, and thanks for last night. I had a great time."
"Me too. Can I see you today? I...I...uh...shit, Rosie, I miss you." What the hell was up with me being all Edward-like and sensitive?
"I miss you too. I'll see you when you bring your brother over."
"Okay, I'll call when he's up and functional."
Oh good Lord, what have we got ourselves into?
Edward woke up a couple of hours later. I waited a minute or two before I told him. His reaction was similar to my own, minus the Cheerio spittle flying across the room.
"She what?" Edward asked, half-asleep, as he scratched his bare chest. "She really wants to see me?" Plunking his butt down on the bar stool, he ran his hands through his hair. "Well, holy shit; I don't know what to think."
Being the caring, conscientious, and somewhat nervous older brother that I am, I thrust a cup of coffee and a Paxil at him. "You need to think about what you're going to say and how you're going to handle her anger, because, dude, she's got years of wrath to unleash on your ass. I'd wear a protective cup if I were you."
"Not funny, bro. Shit! I wasn't expecting her to want to see me this soon."
I slid a bowl of Cheerios in front of him. "Eat up, kiddo, you're going to need it. Today's gonna be long day."
Alice
Bella and I were sitting on our swings in the back yard. They had been one of the big selling points of the house; Bella loved nothing more than to lose herself while pumping her way up into the sky.
"Are you nervous?" I asked.
"Nope."
What? "Not at all?"
"Nope."
I stopped swinging and watched as Bella went higher and higher. She looked okay, she sounded okay, but was she really?
"What?" Bella asked as she flew past me.
"Forgive me if I'm confused, but not twelve hours ago, you were a hot mess. Now you're all Dali Lama Zen. Please forgive my bewilderment."
"Zen? HA!" Bella punctuated the statement with a powerful leap from the swing. She landed several feet from where she started and rolled on the ground.
"Bella! Are you okay?" I yelled, launching myself after her, landing gracefully nearby. "Bella?"
"Chill, Alice, I'm fine. Zen, though? Far from it. There are a million thoughts rushing through my head right now, however, my primary objective is to keep from killing him. I'm going to try to keep an open mind."
"Why now?"
Bella huffed as she pulled grass from the ground. "I'm dying inside and taking you and Jasper with me. I need to put this to an end; I need to wash Edward Cullen out of my hair. I need to move on. Do you realize it's been five years since I've had sex with something not made of silicone? If I have any hope of finding a man and having a healthy relationship, I need this to end."
I sighed loudly before speaking again. "You still love him." It was a statement, not a question.
"I think I always will, but I don't think I can trust him. Without trust there's nothing."
Taking Bella's hand into my own, we lay there, watching as the clouds passed overhead. I hoped that maybe it would help center her so she could do this without falling apart. I really struggled to understand how and why she was remaining so calm. But she did, as she lay there on the ground in her jeans, flannel shirt, and Converse with her eyes open, and a small smile on her face. Every now and then she'd close her eyes and hum a little, but just as quickly she would return to cloud-watching.
There was a light rustling behind us. "Um, hi, Bella."
I could have sworn that I heard Bella's heart stop when the velvet voice spoke from above. When I turned to look over at her, I locked eyes with a pale, but determined-looking woman.
"It's okay, Alice," she said quietly.
"I'll be in the house if you need me." I picked up her hand and kissed her knuckles before getting up.
Edward sat on my swing and smiled at me as I passed. For a brief moment I felt bad for him, so I patted his shoulder and for some reason, wished him luck.
Edward
Unsure of how to begin what I'd left off so long ago, I remained quiet as I swayed gently on the swing.
"Edward?" she asked quietly.
"Yes, Bella?"
"Sorry, you were so quiet I thought maybe you'd left."
I chuckled bitterly at the irony of her statement. "Yeah, I'm good at that."
She sighed heavily. "That's not what I mean, but yeah, I guess it works."
I didn't know what to say, how to start this, so I blurted out the truth in a voice so cracked I sounded like a pre-pubescent version of myself: "I don't know what to say, Bella."
"Come here," she said, patting the ground beside her. "Please?"
Quietly and very slowly, I made my way to her and sat on the grass.
"Look at me, Edward."
A painful lump prevented me from speaking so I shook my head. She grabbed my hand and pulled herself up so she was in front of me, face-to-face for the first time in five years. Oh, how I longed to reach out, touch her cheek, to kiss her, but that wouldn't happen because I couldn't bring myself to even look at her.
"Look at me, damn it!" She demanded loudly.
"I...I...can't," I managed to squeak out.
"Why? Am I that repulsive to you?"
"No, quite the contrary."
"Then what is it? Why won't you look at me?"
A stupid tear ran down my cheek. Bella wiped it up and held her wet index finger in my face. "I don't think so. You don't get to cry, not now. Why the fuck won't you look at me? Answer me!"
"It hurts, okay? I can't look at you because it hurts." Finally, some truth. It felt good to get it off my chest until I stole a glance at her and saw just how hurt she was.
"Why does it hurt?"
"Because I know I fucked up and..."
"And what?"
Silence. I couldn't say it. It was killing me.
"And what?" she repeated louder.
I finally raised my head, her brown eyes a reflection of the pain she felt over the profound loss she had experienced over the years. I finally found the balls to say it, although it came out entirely too quiet. "And I see her in you."
Something happened in that moment and the next thing I knew, Bella had flung herself into my arms, sobbing, and I wasn't far behind her. I felt safe in my assumption that all of the pain over Emma's death that we'd bottled up, was now finally pouring out as we were finally comforted by the only other person we knew who understood that our pain was valid; the only other person who truly understood our anguish.
"Why did you leave me, Edward?" she sobbed into my shoulder. "Why? Is it because you blamed me?"
Choking on my own tears and heaving sobs, I held her tighter and rocked us. "I'm a coward, and no, I have never blamed you, but I was mad that you got to sleep through the hard parts."
Bella pulled herself back and slapped me hard across the face. It stung like crazy, but I deserved it. I deserved so much more. I flinched a little, wanting to take her punishment like a man.
"HOW DARE YOU! I was dying and you left me. I wasn't sleeping, you stupid bastard, I was fighting to live, to come back to you. What do I find when I can finally make sense of things? I find that the four most important people in my life are gone! My mother, my father, my daughter..." She let out a wail before continuing, "...and the one person I foolishly thought that I could trust. The one who promised to look after me and his baby, our baby. Where the hell were you, Edward?"
"I was burying our baby," I said, before letting out a cry so utterly full of agony that by the look on her face, it physically hurt Bella. "I was picking out coffins and headstones and flowers. I was trying to do something no 18 year-old boy should have to do; bury his child and watch his girlfriend slip further away from him. I had a serious lapse of reasoning and I ran. I'm sorry, Bella, I've regretted this decision every day since I left and I was too scared to make it right because I know that I can never make it right. There is no excuse for what I did. I betrayed the woman I love."
She scoffed. "Love? Don't you mean loved?"
"No, Bella, I never stopped loving you."
She stood up. "Stop, please don't."
I couldn't stop, the floodgates were open and I selfishly needed her to know. "It's true. I love you, Bella."
"STOP IT!" she screamed.
Emmett, Alice, Jasper, and Rosalie all ran outside. "Is everything okay?" Emmett asked.
Bella, tears and snot pouring down her face, pointed at Emmett. "HE stayed, Edward. Your own brother stayed and did what you didn't have the balls to do."
She cut me deep with that one. My foolish pride had already taken a huge beating after hearing Emmett tell me in great and gory detail about how he'd been there for her for everything. When I first came back he made damn sure that I knew. It was too much, so I began pounding my head with my fists and I started to shout. "Don't you think I know that? I FUCKED UP, BELLA! ROYALLY!"
Emmett knelt in front of me to stop my hands. "Easy, buddy. Calm down," he whispered.
"Why don't we move into the house?" Alice suggested as she reached for Bella's hand.
"NO!" Bella jerked away from Alice and took off, running into the wooded area behind the house.
"Shit," Jasper swore. "I'll go..."
"No, I will," I said, standing.
"Are you sure that's such a good idea?" Alice asked. "I have a hard time seeing that anything good will come of this."
"We need to finish this—alone."
Before anyone could stop me, I ran after Bella and found her crouched against a tree, panting.
"Hi," I whispered.
"Hi," she whispered back.
"I realize you're mad at me; I don't blame you. I'm actually quite furious with myself. I made some very bad choices, but I can't change what I did. It happened and I haven't had a moment's peace since the second I opened the door and the police..." I choked up at the memory. "I've been a selfish prick, Bella. I didn't realize just how hard it would hit you; I thought that I was doing you a favour."
"A favour?" Her brown eyes were popping out of her head, but I wasn't sure if she was mad or shocked. Shit, I wish I could read her better; it would make things so much easier.
"If you survived, I figured you'd recover better, faster, easier, if I wasn't there as a constant reminder of what we'd lost." I didn't want her to resent me, to hate me, to think of Emma every time she saw me. Or, at least that's how I thought she'd react. I didn't want the accident to be our demise; however, it turns out it was me.
She exhaled loudly and scuffed her foot on the ground. "That's some seriously flawed reasoning, Edward."
My head fell forward until my chin hit my chest. "I know. What was it you used to say? Smart as a whip, dumb as a post?"
She laughed. "Something like that. You were always good in school, but your logic lacked substance. You always act first, think later." She patted the ground beside her. "Sit."
Sighing, I lowered myself to the ground beside her. "Can I ask you something? What happened that day? Do you remember anything at all?"
Bella
I winced at his question. Of course, I remembered that day, well, part of it at least. Charlie and Renee had taken Emma and me to visit some friends in La Push. We'd gone to the beach and Emma had collected some smooth, colourful stones to give her father. We had laughed a lot that day; it had been an almost perfect one, that is, until my memory goes blank. I tried for a long time to break through the black hole, but was discouraged by my therapist, who said that the brain knows what's good to remember and what's not.
"Yes, I do remember; at least almost everything … until the logging truck hit us."
"Can..."
"Not today, Edward."
He nodded sadly. "Okay. What was it like, though?"
What the hell was he asking me? "What was what like?"
"The coma."
"Oh, um, well, I don't know really. It was like I fell asleep and woke up a month later with a terrible hangover and the inability to do much of anything. I couldn't remember how to move or talk; my body wouldn't listen to me. I felt trapped. I have a few scattered memories of people talking, but I really can't trust them to be anything but dreams."
"Oh, God, I'm so sorry, Bella," he sobbed with renewed sadness. "It should have been me by your side and not my brother."
"At least one Cullen man has the good sense God gave him," I said, chuckling bitterly. I wasn't letting him off the hook. I needed to be strong. "So, back to my question, I want to hear it again. Why did you leave and when did you realize just how epically you'd screwed up?"
"As I told you, I left because I was a coward, I couldn't deal with losing you too."
"You lost me in more ways than you know," I muttered.
"As for when did I realize I'd screwed up? The morning after I arrived in Alaska, when I woke up and knew that I couldn't go back and face my family, and even worse, you. That's when I realized that I'd totally blown it."
"We would have understood," I said quietly as I dug at the ground with a twig. "If you had come right back we would have forgiven you. I would have forgiven you."
It took a lot of balls on his part to ask the million dollar question, but he did it. "And now?"
I paused because I really didn't know how to answer it. Finally, I said it: "I don't know, Edward, I'm still really angry with you."
He nodded sadly. "I know. I don't blame you; I'm still pretty pissed at myself."
In a moment of total weakness, I leaned into him and sighed heavily. "Edward, I miss her so much."
"I do too. I can't stop thinking about her and how…"
"…she would have been starting second grade this year." We finished our thought at the same time.
Suddenly I couldn't stop talking. I revealed something to him I had no intention of mentioning. "I cried for the entire month of September last year when I saw the school buses. She should have been on one of them, dressed in a cute little jumper, her red hair in pig tails, Mr. Bunny Fou Fou dangling from her hand."
Edward choked, spluttered, and cried again. I wrapped him in my arms and held on to him tightly. "I'm sorry, Edward."
"Why are you being so nice to me?" he managed to get out between sobs.
"Frankly," I laughed quietly, "I have no idea."
I paused, shook my head, and sighed again. "I'm being compassionate because we both lost our baby, but that's it. I know the grief you have burning inside, I can and do feel it, and I hate that you're feeling it. I wouldn't wish this kind of agony on my worst enemy, including you."
Edward
A searing pain tore through my chest at the sound of her words and my lungs seized up. Bella was never going to forgive me and our child was gone. I'd known it for a long time, but the full reality of it all finally hit me.
"Edward, are you okay?"
I gasped for air and pulled at my hair. Not now, not now, please not now.
"Are you having a panic attack?"
She watched as I nodded frantically, my eyes growing large. I watched as she stuck her hand into her pocket and fished around for a moment, eventually producing a small prescription bottle. "Open up," she ordered, "it's Ativan, it'll help calm you down."
I did as she asked and felt her drop two tiny tablets under my tongue.
"Breathe, Edward, I don't need you passing out on me here in the woods."
She pulled me down so my head was in her lap and ran her fingers through my hair. I didn't know if it was a reflexive action or planned. Whenever I would get upset when we were younger she'd do it to help calm me down. I think she saw my mom doing it to me when I was little. It just became second nature for us to do when someone was upset.
I felt a jolt of electricity at her first touch. She continued speaking calmly to me, trying to soothe away the anxiety that had paralysed me. "Keep breathing, you'll be okay. In and out, buddy."
I remember how even when we were little, Bella was the nurturing one. When Emmett would pick on me, upset me, she'd be right there to pick up the pieces; making sure that everything was okay. If Emmett hurt himself, she would run to his side and try to help. When she was really little, she'd sit and cry with him if she couldn't make him feel better. When we started dating, she was still like a mother hen, and eventually, she was the only person who could calm me down.
Panic and anxiety had almost always been an issue for me; I was a nervous kid. I was skinny, red-headed, and an easy target for bullies growing up. Even with Emmett as a brother, he couldn't protect me all the time. I spent a lot of time being scared and panicked. Bella was the aloe for my emotional sunburns, well, up until I screwed everything up and left the one time I should have been there for her.
Bella stared down at me, and I took a fleeting moment to really look at her as I tried to steady my heart rate. She was still beautiful, of that there was no doubt, but it was easy to see that she'd been through something horrible. There were small, practically invisible white scars on her head, over her right eye, on her neck. The most noticeable features were the dark circles under her eyes, which mirrored my own. How many sleepless nights had I caused her? How could I have ever justified my actions as being necessary for her to heal? Oh god, strike me down now because I don't think I can carry this guilt much longer.
"That's it, Edward. Are you feeling better?"
The sound of her voice brought me back to the moment. My breathing had slowed to a more normal pace, but it was still ragged, and heavy with emotion. Being the pussy that I am; I whimpered into her lap. "I'm…I'm s-s-sorry…I th-th-thought I could…" I choked out.
"It's okay. Why don't we go back to the house before Emmett comes after us?"
I nodded weakly and yawned.
"Ativan's working, I see."
Bella
I shifted him so he was sitting up. His eyes were so swollen and sad that my heart broke a little. I don't know what possessed me, but I leaned in, and placed a chaste kiss on his forehead. I felt a shock on my lips, not unlike the ones I used to feel whenever I came in contact with him oh so long ago. Shaking it off, I smiled at him. "Come on, big guy. Can you stand?"
"Yeah, I think so."
I stood and extended a hand to him, sucking in a hard breath when our hands touched; the electricity was stronger, and still very much there.
"No. No. No. Shit. No. Shit. I can't…" I stuttered as a familiar panic enveloped me in a cloak of lead. How could I have let my defenses down? Jesus Christ, what was I going to do? I started groping in my pocket again, pulled out the prescription bottle, and tried to open it.
Edward looked concerned, or rather, Edward looked full-blown worried. "Bella? What's happening? Are you…"
"Damnit!" I said, throwing the bottle to the ground when it wouldn't open. "Goddamnit!"
"What is it? Please, please tell me."
"Let's go," I said, reaching down to pick up the bottle.
Edward took it from my shaking hand and opened it. He tapped out two, motioned for me to open up, and placed them under my tongue. I closed my eyes and focused on the gritty feeling I had come to associate with an impending wave of calm.
Edward spoke. "Now, what triggered it?"
The urge to punch him was growing. I pushed away from him and approached the nearest tree. Cocking my fist back, I punched it once, twice, but there was no third; Edward caught my fist and held it. The electricity was back.
"Why, Edward? WHY?" I cried as I turned to face him. "Why is it so hard to hate you? I want to punch you until you're black and blue. I want to make you hurt the way I did, but I can't."
"Hit me, Bella."
My shoulders slumped and I whispered, "No."
He pleaded with me, taking my hands in his. "Please hit me; I deserve it and so much more. If it will make you feel better in the least…"
"No." I wasn't going to resort to violence. No way was I going to let him get out of this so easy.
"HIT ME!" he yelled.
"NO!"
"Isabella Marie Swan, HIT ME!"
He didn't see it coming. I punched him in the face, his nose cracking under my fist, blood spurting. I just punched Edward Cullen and it felt good.
He yelled. "Jesus, Bella, you hit me!"
"I'm…shit," Shit, what had I done? I hit Edward! I turned away from him and began running back toward the house.
"Wait! Bella, I'm okay. Wait!" he called out as he ran toward me. "Bella, watch out!"
I didn't see the tree root that toppled me. I did, however, feel the wind being knocked out of me when I hit the ground. Instead of trying to get up, I just laid there, motionless, trying to catch my breath, trying to make sense of what had just happened. I had just hit Edward. I had made him bleed.
It felt good.
Electricity coursed through me and I knew he was touching me.
"Bella?" he said, sounding worried, which secretly made me happy. "Bella, love, are you okay?"
LOVE? Did he just call me love?
At the sound of that one word, a torrent of happy memories flooded me. I thought about how the first time he had called me love I'd giggled madly because it sounded so old-fashioned for a thirteen year-old boy to say. I could actually feel the nervousness in my belly that was there the first time we had kissed, and I tried to hang onto the joy I had felt the first time we had really made love (which so wasn't the first time that we'd had sex); and then there was the life-changing moment when Emma was born.
Just as quickly as I was overcome with joy, I found myself drowning in sorrow. A sob built up and exploded.
"I'm getting Emmett," Edward said quietly, and then the electricity was gone.
"No," I gasped, "don't leave me again." Foolishly, I extended a hand out to him.
He dropped down, pulled me into a hug and kissed the top of my head. "I'll stay as long as you'll let me."
So, there it is. Angst angst angst. But wait? Was that a glimmer of hope I saw there?
What are your thoughts? Still liking it? Finding it too heavy? I like to hear what people are thinking so I can fix what's wrong.
I'm going to take a second and pimp out some great people/fanfics.
107yearoldvirgin's MAYBE is so good it's incredibly hard to put down.
Katmom's IMMERSION is sweet and and limey.
RowanMoon's BROKEN DOLL is poetry in motion.
's POUGHKEEPSIE will break your heart and fill it with joy at the same time.
AliceDances01's MAYBE I'M AMAZED will captivate you.
OpenHome's COALESCENCE will give you a special appreciation of Alice.
Raven Jadewolf's BLACK SWAN is really different, and I'm quite taken with her version of Bella.
Lambcullen's TIDES just makes me all giddy.
