naruto the guy with the ninja
Chapter 4: Wind
So eventually the gang entered this creepy-ish desert, looking for the Village Hiddin in Sand. Except there was a sandstorm going on, everything was swirling around...
A laugh came and the Team Saskue all turned around, getting their weapons, alarmee.d
Something was clearly around in the sand. A shadowy figure of ominousness.
"Who's there!" Cried Harry. "It's been bad since we lost our Master Chief! Are you one of Naruto's minions?"
The figure suddenly appeared right on Sasuke-
And rubbed a hand through his hair.
The sand cleared a litle and it was some brown-haired woman with green eeyes and a kinda revealingish red dress with like this heart thing on it.
"Hey." She said. "Long time no see."
"UH... WHO ARE YOU?" Asked Sasuke.
"Ah, right. You were like, two when we last met. My name is Kyu! Just think of me as like your guardian angel! I'm kind of watching over you! But in a protective way, not a stalker way! ...Yeah, I think I can see why guardian angels have been out of style lately now..."
"...I don't trust you already." Said Harry Potter.
"Oh, don't worry! Sasuke and I are like... weird... he's like my cross-species great grandnephew."
"But you don't look like a grandmom." Said Diablo. "You're like... a hot mom. If anything."
"You didn't hear the 'cross-species?' I'm something immortal. Also, careful, we're like also related."
"SHIT REALLY?" Asked Diablo.
"Yes. Really." She giggled. "I'm sorry, there's a LOT of people you're kind of related to in that way. Sasuke's one of them!"
"..."
"Anyway, I just want to say good luck, and if you need me, you'll know."
She began walking off to the distance. Another sandstorm picked up, covering her in like this cool siloutete shadow, but then the storm quickly went away and she was gone.
Suddenly, these like Sand Village guards came.
"AH!" Shouted Haku, as I briefly forgot he was part of this little group and this is just a reminder to myself. Oh yah, and you, in case you forgot.
And the guards were part of that brainwashed thing! The gang could tell because they had on were wearing only those ninja-bandages and who the hell wears that in the desert? Ninja mummies? Actually that would be pretty cool.
"UM HI THERE I AM SASUKA AND I COME IN PEACE!" Said Sasuke.
"WELL WE DON'T!" Shouted boh the guards at the same time as they whipped their machine guns out and began firing.
"OH SHIT!" Cried Harry as the gang hid behind a rock. "Okay guys we need a plan RIGHT NOW!"
"I think I can do a thing." Said Kisame. "Just let me get out there."
He ran from behind the rocks himself and got some jutsu prepared:
"SHARK SWORD CUT NO JUTSU!" He cried as he whipped his shark-sword thingy out and lept to the air.
"NO WE'RE NOT TRYING TO KILL THEM! THEY'E NOT BAD, JUST BRAINWASHED! AND NARUTO'S BAD WE GOTTA KILL HIM!"
Kisame sighed and stopped mid-air (like Road Runner cartoons). "Okay... I guess instead of killing them to please you - wait a minute! I'm an Akatsuki! And we kill people while not listening to Uchihas!"
"Oh really?" Asked Harry. "I thought from my secret wizard spy missions that the Akustki is actually led by like some Obito dude, and that's led by like Madara or something?"
"Really? Ew... it was bad enough being a partner to one of those things..."
"HEY!" Shouted Sasuke. "YOU'RE BING RACIST TOWARDS UCHIHAS! I AM ONE OF THEM AS WELL!"
"Yeah I know that's how this conversaton started."
"I' mconfused what the fuck is going on?" Asked one of the sand guards under Naruto's control.
"I'LL ANSWER HTAT!"
It was some redhead only wearing a sand bikini and with some giant peanut-looking thing on her back!
"...Uh... I really don't know why this blue fish man is floating." She said. "But THAT'S THE ENEMY! IT'S SASUKE! YOU, I AM GAARA- I MEAN GARITTA OF THE DESERT! BOW BEFORE ME OR GET SANDED!"
"What's sanded?" Sasuke asked.
"It's like getting stoned but with sand."
"But getting stoned is high it's not ;literally stones."
"I mean the torture punsihment."
"OH SHIT, RIGHT THAT! THERE'S ANOTHER STONED!"
So then (oh yeah and Kisame finally landed on the ground) Garitta summoned like a LOT of sand from her peanut thing, and it swirled around them like some sandstorm. It also kind of looked like swirling cream around in cofee or something. I don't know, I heard that metaphors like that (since I used "like" this is also a metaphor LOL) make writing better.
Suddenly the gang all had sand wrapped around them!
"This would be Sand Coffin..." She said, "EXCEPT of fucking course Naruto wants to take credit for your capture, so I'm going to phone him to come over here and while that is happening you might find some kind of convenient escape."
She didn't even dial three numbers before Sasuke looked off to the side and said "HEY LOOK! A CONVEENENT ESCAPE!"
It was Hank's team! Er, Brenda's team? Yeah, Brenda's team. For those that forgot last chapter, Naruto fuckng assimilated him!
"Oh boy..." Said Garitta, as if she already knew what was going to happen.
"HEY!" Shouted Alucard. "YOU LOOK LIKE BAD GUYS! LIKE, THE NARUTO BAD GUYS! AND YOU KNOW WHAT I DO WITH BAD GUYS... I UNLEASH HECK ON THEM!"
She said "Well I can just trap you in sand."
"WELL I CAN TURN IN TO A GIANT BLOOD BUG BAT THINGY MASS OF SHADOW AND EYES AND MOUTHS! AND ANY ONE OF THOSE MOUTHS WILL EAT YOU!"
So he transformed and OH SHIT-
DUN dun dun dun, dun dun dun dun dun dun-dun DUNM dun dun dun, dun dun dum dah dat dum,
It's time for a Death Battle!
(I say this because I picture like those internet wars going "Alucard is badass as is Gaara (that's pre-transformation Garitta for those that didn't know) so let's have them FIOGHT," that's why the other fight scenes didn't get this it's that these two are both like really badass and powerful)
So let's do a skill rundown!
Actually fuck this alucard just kind of turned in to a wall of black stuff and chased Garitta down until she had to loose chakra griip and Team Sasuke and stuff just fell.
"You'll regret this when Naruto gets over hrer!" She said. "I just phoned him in and he's coming over!"
"Hopefully the Wonderful 101 will keep him busy while we destroy the next crys- oh..." said Sasuke, who frowned.
Naruto was flying over there, actually he wasn't flying, he was on the Airwing of a gender-benx Fox McCloud named... uh, Fox...ie? Foxy? Fuck it, Foxy. And if FNAF gets involved thn well Naruto will have to rename her. Also, Naruto unlocked some more of his powers 9-tails or something, and now he had recolored his hair red like the 9 Tails isntead of yellow. His style was also slightly different and looked edgier.
"Are we almost at the sand?" Naruto asked.
"DO A BARREL ROLL!" No wait nevermind it's the frog that says that.
"Okay then I guess we're there..."
He saw desert below them and then jumped off and lept down kind of like in Epid Rap Battles of History when Lincoln or tha Kassem guy drop down from riding on somethng. Or Michael Bay in his rap battle after the other four directors made fun of him, except Narut owasn't bragging about money. Although he should.
But then he realized that he landed on the wrong side of the village!
"FHAK!" He shouted. "FOXY! CARRY ME BACK!"
"Can't you just use teleport no jutsu to get there?"
"I'M A FUCKING KING THAT'S NOT ROYALA I HATE DOING ANYTHING!"
So Sasuke was bracing through the desert, now reunited with Team Brenda or whatever.
"SO HOW ARE THINGS?" He cheerfully asked thm.
Alucard replied with, "Oh you know good. We lost Hank so that's bad, but I'm still okay."
"So we can actually work together with this village ins tead of last time where we weren't as together and you just came out of nowhere?"
"Sure," said Sheldon, "Why not?"
"Also who are you?" Asked Sasuke.
"I'l explain on the way up there, offscreen because the reader already red this shit."
Garitta returned, looking mad because she was beaten. She was also aided by two new women: Some woman with brown hair that was only 'wearing' this creepy puppet, and she had these face markings.
The other was an adult Temari, wearing a slightly more revealing version of her pre-timeskip outfit.
"I'd like to introduce my also-brainwashed sisters." Said Garitea. "Together, we'll all kick your ass. Now, introduce."
"I'm Kankurrea." Said the one with the puppet.
"Temari." Said Temari.
"Now, SAND SISTERS!" Said Garitta. "LET'S MURDER THEM!"
Alucard shrugged and sighed and was like "Okay I got this again" but suddenly noticed that another pupet was around him!
"Uh oh... hey there," he said, "Are you a friendly puppet or an asshole puppet?"
It started biting him! And because it had gold pimp teeth (because Naruto), it hurt him! (They save I think Vampires can be harmed with silver, why not also golld, coper, and roentgenium on the same column in the periodic table, considering their elemental similarities across groups.)
"OW! ASSHOLE PUPPET! D:" He angry faced!
Kamina drew out a sword and tried to fight back.
"I'LL GET YOU YOU SON OF A-"
Then Naurto dropped down! He finally got Foxy to like fly back around and drop hi,
"DID I JUST HEAR THE WORD SON?" He shouted. "NO, ONLY GIRLS IN MY WORLD!"
"OH PISSFUCK IT'S NARUTO!" Shouted Harry. "THE GUY WITH THE NINJA!"
Did I already title drop? Meh...
Sasukle backed up to an ally but then he felt himself bump in to someone.
Hintana.
"Hinata?" Asked Sasuke. Oh, you think you can spell better than me?
"Y-yes how did you get here?"
"Harry Poitter helped. Also, Hank Hill, rest in peace."
"HANK'S STILL ALIVE DUMBASS!" Said Kamina.
"I think a better question," continued Sasuke who only said that comma so that I could say that it was Sasuke saying this, ",is how YUO Get here!"
"Oh... well..." Hinata blushed.,
Flashbakc.
Hinata was walking through the Leaf Village and then SUDDENLY A BIGASS FUCKING EXPLOSION HAPPENED!
Naruto laughed evilly as he stood on top of a rooftop.
"HAHAHA!" He laughed evilly, although in his mind it was slighly more heroic han that. "I AM NARUTO, THE GUY WITH THE NINJA!" Shit ANOTHER title drop? Really?
He was seting the village on fire, which was a huge dick move for those that dont know about Arson )not to be confused with arlen, the place King of the Hill takes palce in.( He kept firing these blue laserfs at people, transforming them in to sexy jutsu versions of them, and soon had most of the town under his control!
"Now I'm gonna take over this place and make it my new capital!"
Hinata was like "Shit, I need to get out of here."
So she walked out of the gate.
But was then like, lonely and stuff, and alone. Things were made worse whenthe giant gate vortex thingy (um, just look back in chapter 2, I forgot what it looked like) appeared.
Hinata then started walking out. Bur then she remembred there was apparently some sand village... eh, might be worth the walk.
(Flashback continued.)
Hinata did not get how FUCKING THIRSTY that desert walk would be, because of all villages she picked the DESERT one.
But then she met some kind of crazed guy with red hair, who looked like he was wanting to kill something.
"Hey ther..." she said, "Um, ar eyou-"
"RARGH! I MUST KILL AND YOU ARE IN THE WAY!"
He wrapped Hinata up in sand!
"THIS IS SAND COFFIN!" He gasped. "NOW FOR SAND BURIAL-"
Then explosions happened. Naruto was there too!
"Really? Here too? Shit!" Shouted Hinata.
"MUAH HAH A!" Shouted Naruto laughed. "And who might you be, edgy dude?"
"I am Gaara of the Dessert! I will vanquish you!"
"NO I THINK YOU WOULD LOOK CUTE UNDER MY SEXY JUTSU! ACTUALLY I KNOW BECAUSE JUST ABOUT EVERYBODY UNDER IT LOOKS THE SAME AS OTHERS UNDER THE JUTSU EXCEPT FOR THEIR HAIR AND BOOB SIZE! SO, WITHOUT FURTHER ADO, LET'S FIGHT!"
SoGaara got cloaked in sand and turned in to the giant one tailed sand beasT!
And then Naruto's knife glowed blue and just hit Garaa and suddenly he fell and got gender bent and also so did the OPne Tails which was removed from him because of magic fan fic BS.
"HAHAHA I WIN!" He cheered. "NOTHING CAN STAND AGAINST ME! OI AM STRONG NARUTO!"
Hintana was about to leave but then a giant barrier was placed over the place.
"Hrm..." said Naruto. "Now, I'll take the tailed beast, and you! Sand lady! I want you to be the captain of the guard of this place or something!"
"IOt's a simple backtory." Finished Hinata.
"REALLY?" Asked NAruto. "ARGH, ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT BACKSTORY RIGHT NOW? I HATE THAT SHIT UNLESS IT'S ANGST ON HOW BAD MY LIFE IS! YOU SEE, MY PARENTS DIED WHEN I WAS YOUNG AND PEOPLE WERE MEAN TO ME- ARGH, FUCK IT!"
So he raged like a Call of Minecraft at Freddy'stale player and made a bunch of red chakra spikes suddenly jump out of the ground like holy shit everything was errupting. So the group all jumped out of the way, with their ninja jumps. (Wisard jumps in Harry's case, since he didn't study justu as he used to be racist against that.) But Hinata tripped mid-jump and landed on the ground. Team Brenda (Kamina? Alucard? ...Probably not Leonard LOL) ntoiced this and so did Naruto, and Naruto lept down.
"Oh HA HA HA! Weren't you the one girl who liked me? Well then... I will reward that by... instead of treating you like a footstool, I will TURN YOU TO MY PERSONAL WAITER!"
He threw his blue-charged knife!
But then Brenda took the blow instead!
"OW!" She shouted.
Naruto smirked and grinned, but then something happened.
"What's this?" She asked. "I can feel... power surging through me. Blue-hot power. I feel like the sun is coursing through my veins. I can feel atomic bombs in my bones. The souls of everyone on the planet... cheering for me to beat you."
Naruto just got angry.
"WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU TALKING SO MUCH! YOU SHOULD BE SILENT! AND SUBMISSIVE! AND! oh wait you somehow negated my Mightnight Bliss. Well, I can just try it again!"
Then Brenda flashed him a cheerful grin, her eyes flashing red briefly.
"Naruto! I know you're not the Nine-Tailed Fox! You're something much worse! But mock my words, I have survived your attack and with my newfound power, I WILL RELEASE THE EARTH FROM YOUR HORRID CLUTCHES! Mega Moon Sun Perfect Hair Forever Super Max Justice Sage of Fire transformation... ACTIVATE!"
Then she started flashing in light! And when the light cleared... she had a different look. It looked like armor, but made of rainbow fire.
"You're gonna have to try a lot harder than THAT!" She said in red text.
He threw his knife towards her, but it did jack shit damage and she wasn't glowing blue.
"Oh fuck..."
Brenda immediately dashed off in her new badass form and tackled in to him, which sent him flying around out of the sight of everybody.
Garitaa just turned to Sasuke's group and got mad.
"Well... I guess it is the tie that we fight, then."
So then a sand tornado opened up and holy shit!
"Try to BEAT THIS!" She shouted as the sand REALLY began picking up!
"UM THIS IS REALLY BAD!" Shouted Sasuke. "ANYONE! KAMINA? ALUCARD? LEO- actually sorry Leonard it seems like you can't really that much of a fighter."
"I COULD TRY SHOOTING HER?" Asked Alucard. "BUT I DON'T REALLY LKNOW."
By the way, they're not just shouting because that's how they usually alk, they're doing that because it's a sandstorm and those are noisy.
Kamina then said "Wait a minute. Alucard, Sheldon, Penny, the other guy. I just remmebered that I have a mecha. The Gurren."
"...You remembered NOW?!" Shouted Leonard. And not just because of the loud storm. "And not back at the Wave Village? Or when we first met?"
"Kind of remembered now, let's go there." Said Kamina as he began running off, with that gang too. Eventually though Sasuke's gang lost sight of them so they couldn't follow them, and alos Garitaa blocked their path with a sand wall. So it was just the four of them now.
"WELL SHOOT, WE SHOULD THINK FAST NOW THAT IT'S THE FOUR OF US!" Shouted Sasuke. Oh wait, I mean seven, I forgot about Haku, Zabuza, and Kisame.
Aquidward Googled "How to deal with a sand tornado" and after scrolling past a lot of shit on Sand Tornado restaurants and some lyrics for a Sand Tornado song by Nicki Cage he came across osomething that said "HIDE IN A FUCKING BUNKER!"
So there was a bunker. I'd probably make a Wizard of Oz reference but that's kind of overdone. Like Star Wars and Indiana Jones (then again I did hve Indiana appear in Gumball Vs Satan) too, you won' be seeing that many references.
Oh, fuck it. I guess maybe some green 'cute witch' or something flew by, who was already brainwashed by Naruto. He himself actually even jumped by to kiss her, but then got swatted by a mega-flame from Brenda.
So anyway, the team was hiding in some bunker.
"NOW WHAT?" Asked Sasuke, but in a whisper.
Suddenly, regular wind and not sand wind came. It was Temari! She was right behindtthem!
"Surprise motherfucker." Said said like Doakes.
"How the bloody heel dod you get here?" Asked Harry.
"I walked in through the house this was attached to. And yes, this was attached to a house because it's kind of dumb that in a storm you'd have to actually first leave the house in order to reach shelter."
She then got out a fan and got ready to fight! The team screamed!
"Wait a minute!" Said Haku, "I got crystal ice mirrors! This should help!"
So he made a bunch of ice mirrors and surrounded Temari with them.
"Now... you are... Under the Dome! Heh heh..."
Squidward cringed. "That is an old show now, and it really got kind of stale and weird and turned in to more of a comedy by accident. And trust me, I know shows that went stale and weird."
"I THINK WE ALL DO. :(" said Sasuke.
Anyway then Temari came at them by swinging her fans, which made mini tornados suddenly rush after them. The gang all screamed.
"AAAHHHHHH!" They yelled, jumping away as Haku just threw needles and said "GUYS I have her! OI can beat her!"
But then Temari's tonados broke the mirrors because THEY WERE FREAKING TORNADOS! Have you tried to throw a mirror on a tomato? It's also bad luck for the torando though.
Zabuza just went "Okay hold up" and placed mist everywhere, but because Teemari had wind it blew that away.
"Damn!" He said. "I really hate it when anima just keeps introducing the new characters stronger than the old. I mean isn't she like a genin?"
Suddenly a light bulb appeared over Kisame's head.
"Wait, I think abnother Akatsuki is also Sand village, and maybe he or his brainwashed Naruto counterpatr is dicking around here. If there were two of us..." He trollfaced, which is foreshadowing something.
But then he just threw his sword and that hit Temari and kncoked her down.
"So who is this other Akatsuki." Said Sasuke. Zabuza meanwhile still looked annoyed.
"TECHNICALLY you debuted after her, so that's STILL going by 'introduce them on power levels.'"
"WHAT ABOUT ME?" Asked Sasuke.
"You'e an Uchiha, you don't count."
"Oh..."
Kisame continued his explanation. "His name is Sasori, so look for anyone that sounds like that. He's a puppet dude that also looks like some big guy some times. His hair is red."
"I'd think HE LOOKS LIKE A PUPPET is a bigger indicator than "his hair is red." Said Squidward.
Temari looked like she was about to get up but then Sasuke used his Light Sharingan to undo the effects of Naruto's abilities.
"Oh holy shit those are my brothers." Said Temari after regaining her senses. "I need to save them!"
So now the team was going through that house that was linked to this tornado cellar shelter thingy. Anyway, they found some guy with red hair and in a black cloak like Kisame's. He said "Shhh..." to the group and went "Don't tell Naruto that I'm here-"
And then he saw Kisame.
"Oh my gawd, Kisame?" He asked.
"Sasori?" Replied Kisame. "And you weren't brainwashed?"
They both ran up and hugged each other as emotional music began playing.
Reunited and it Feels so Good...
Reunited liek some firewood...
But then they both grinned evilly.
"Hey, now that there's two of us and it's like the Akatsuki always sending people in twos, now we can do evil shit again!" Said Kisame.
"Okay." Replied Sasori.
Then Harry Potter said ."WHAT you were really secretly against us the whole time?"
"Yeah duh." Said Kisama. "We're the Akatsuki, which is Chinese for 'bad p3rson.' Now, were out to find some jinjurki."
"Hey! Like my brother!" Said Temari, but it was too late they already jumped off.
"No. I think you mean like my sister."
It was Kankurrea! She zipped in and had an army of evil puppets!
"Now you'll have to fight ME!" She shouted.
Suddenly everyone was surrounded by puppets!
"NOW DIE!"
The puppets began trying to eat them!
"GET OFF!" Shouted Squidward. "MARGH! I taste like seafood! You wouldn't like this!"
"Well oh yeah? PUPPETS DON'T HAVE TONGUES! AHAHAHA!" Shouted Kankurrea. "SO THEY CAN'T BE REPULSED BY YOUR TASTE!"
Sasukle then got everything set and prepared to enter his fighting stance.
"THIS IS MY BATTLE I MUST DO THIS MYSEFL1" He shouted.
Then he saw that Zabuza just threw his sword at Kankurrea and knocked her out.
"Remember that thing about the intro of characters being power? I guess I was wrong about that." he said. "Okay Sasuke, do your eye thingy."
Sasuke nodded and then Kankuro was back to normal.
"Oh shit." He said.
"Alright,m" Said Sasuke. "let's hunt Naruto down now. I guess the showdown of this chapter will be Me Vs Haarra."
For some reason Saskue thought that because Garitaa's two minions were doqn that it was suddenly safe to jump out in the middle of a sand tornado.
It wasn't.
But he lept out ansd shouted "GARITTA1 IT'S TIME FOR THE FINAL-" and then he shouted "AAAHHHHHH!" as he got sucked up and began spinning around in circles.
"THIS IS ACTUALLY GOOD FOR MY WORKOUT!" Said Sasuke. "AFTER ALL, IRUKA SAID THAT I SHOULD BE RUNNING KLAPS MORE OFTEN!"
Rimshot.
Garitta became more enraged and went "OKAY NOW I'LL TRAP YOU IN A SAND COFFIN!"
And she did!
But then she sighed and said. "DAMMIT! NOW I HAVE TO WAIT FOR NARUTO TO GET HERE AND CLAIM YOU FOR CPATURED! AGAIN! WHAT AN ANNOYING, REPETITTIGE FUCK!"
Meanwhil,ee Naruto was STILL fighting Brenda, and she was actually kicking his ass!
In the outskirts of the sand village, she was making volcanos pop up with her newly awakened Sage of Fire attacks. And they were throwing these gigantic fireballs at him and trying to smoke him to death with smoke. KIDS DON'T SMOKE IT'S BAD FOR YOUR LUNG CANCER!
"COCK SHIT DAMMIT BITCH FUCK AND HELL ASS!" Those were most of the swears Naruto knew."STOP TRYING TO FIGHT ME! I'VE BEEN THROUGH HELL! I DESERVE MY VERY OWN HAREM AND KINGDOM!"
Brenda laughed as a buynch of fireballs rained down on him from the sky, damaging a lot of his bullshit super strength and geting through a tiny bit of his armor.
"Youre a monster!" She said. "Also, I have these like time powers. And as an Awakened Sage, I can read through thoughts and scan them for stats and stuff!"
"FIRST WONDRE-PINK AND NOW YOU! HAT'S WITH THESE PINK-HAIRED GIRLS KICKING MY ASS? IS IT SAKURA SOMEHOW REINCARNATING HER BITCHING TO OTHER PEOPLE THROUGH EVOLUTION?! THIS SHOULD BE A SAKURA-BASH FIC TOO, NOT JUST SASUKE! MAYBE I WOULDN'T WANT HER IN MY HAREM ANYMORE IF THAT WAS THE CASE! IDON'T KNOW! ARGH! FUCK YOU FOR DENYING THE GREATNESS OF THE NEW SUPERPOWERED NARUTO!"
"HAHAHAHA!" She laughed, swinging her sword which caused a shockwave of like that plasma shit from stars to shoot out. (Don't worry because she was using her Sage magic so the heat wouldn't destroy the atmosphere and wipe out all life on the planet. Because Naruto would survive with hisss Bullshit Sharingan.) "This is incredible! I've wanted to have an opponent who gave me a fair match!"
"A FAIR MATCH? NO! THIS ISN'T SUPPOSED TO BE A FIGHT! IT'S SUPPOSED TO BE ME SHOWING YOU HOW AWESOME I AM! WHY! WON'T! YOU! SUBMIT?!"
From her POV a bunch of these like Terminator stuff began showing over him:
HP: 999,999,999,999 (Naruto's dumb magic also made this display force that OVER 9000 MEME even though it's like a hundred years old)
ATK: 999,999,999 (STRONG NARUTO AU)
DEF: 999,999,999 (STRONG NARUTO AU)
INTEL: "999,999,999" (THIS IS SUPPOSED TO BE A SMART NARUTO AU BUT ALL HE REALLY DOES IS WHINE ABOUT SASUKE?)
ACTING: 0
CHARM: -2
DOUCHERBAGGERY: Can't be measureed! It's off the charts!
But then he tried to dive at her and she instead just trapped him in a sphere of fire, kinda like Water Prison Jutsu but with fire instead.
"EAT THIS! FINISHING MOVE! SUPER PERFECT HAIR FOREVER..."
Her sword grew to be bigger than the Sand village, blocking out the Sun. Naruto would have made a shitty 300 reference of "battling in the shade" if he knew more than just "THIS IS SPARTA!"
"MEGA CUT!"
"Yeah well you're a mega-cunt ha ha ha..." he laughed to himself because heknew he was screwed.
The attack did a ton of damage to him, and it actually looked like Naruto was about to be fucked over and killed! But then, a 'miracle' (anti-miracle because he's the bad guy?) happened:
His Sharingan evolved.
It became the Laser Charingan, so he could fire lasers out now that it was the Laser Sharingan. And he used a surprise blask to knock Brenda down to the sand, and got over her.
Also, by doing lots of little chip damage, she finally had been knocked down enough to be near defeat. Naruto sighed heavily.
"Thank god you're beaten."
But then Brenda went "I'll just go back in time and reset so that-"
"WAIIIT!" Cried Kamina, who ran all the way over to them in his newly-dug out mecha. He panted a bit. Then he looked up at the two fighting people.
"Just accept the past instead of trying to change it. Don't let the control power get to you."
Brenda would have fired back with "That's the stupidest thing I ever heard!" but then she looked at him closer and had a change of heart.
"Aw... how could I say no to that face? Also, I think I might realize how Naruto's power is finally going to end."
Kaimina's 'face' in question was actually a yaoi face.
But yes, eventually Naruto just punched Brenda in the face while all she did was smirk at him, like "I know you're weakness." Then he did that blue knife thing and she turned to a bustier form and was back in her schoolgirl outfit, only somehow even more revealing than that. Naruto sighed and weezed.
"THAT WAS A FUCKING DIFFICULT BATTLE." He said. "FUCK YOU YOU PINK FUCK."
Kamina got his ass out of there.
"I'M WAITING NARUTO! JESUS FUCK! EITHER GET YOUR ASS KICKED TO DEATH OR KICK HER ASS, DOES THIS FIGHT HAVE TO LAST TEN YEARS LIKE A CERTAIN SPOILER THAT WILL HAPPEN IN hOUSESTUCK: tHE sP[LIT?" Said Garitaa.
Then Naruto teleported over there, panting and sighing.
"Hey there! Now I can capture my tro-"
"MY BLOODLUST RMAINED UNSATED! I DID NOT KILL THIS ASSHOLE UNDER YOUR ORDERS!"
"You know what? I REALLY don't like the way you talk back against me. You're a pretty shitty slave. I think I'll just let you go and steal the demon."
He stole Shikaku (remember they were split in the flashback), but also turned her from like this giant... tanuuki? (No Tanukis have big balls) in to a hot sand woman. That was still giant I guesss, why not?
"And I'm reversing the Midnight Bliss on you!
Gaarita poofed and was now Gaara again. Also, because he lost the demoon and stuff, and because of like mind control magic that he was fighting against, he somehow came to his senses and became like he did in the show after his battle.
"Oh shit I'm holding you up. I'm sory." He said to Sasuke, lettting him go. "Now Naruto, as for you..."
He put Naruto in a sand coffin. Naruto paniced at first but then he summoned Brenda in a puff of smoke.
"I have your powers absorbed in to mine! So uh... TIME NO JUTSU!"
Then it went back to when before Gaara took Naruto up.
"Okay I actually reverted time and nobody remembers it except me and my current harem. So uh, I'M NOW A PEGGY SU NARUTO TO SET THINGS RIGHT!"
"Oh hell a time traveller?" Asked HJarry. "Bloody fuck!"
"HA HA HA I CAN TELL THAT IM STILL EXHAUSTED FROM THAT LAST BATTLE, SO I'LL RETREAT! BUT I BET YOU CAN'T STOP ME ANYWAY ONCE I'VE RESTED AND SHIIIIT!"
He poofed away.
"I know where that crystal is." Said Gaara. "We can break that and just have two more to go-"
But then suddenly Naruto warped to and took Squirdward! He was transformed in to some kind of blue-chick with tentacle-like hair and tentacles.
"NO!"" Shouted Sasuke. "Squidward!"
"Oh right, before I forget." Said Naruto. "Since I am taking one of you for each village! Okay, see you all for real now! Byeeee!"
He poofed away. Fem-Squidward didn't at first until Naruto went aback to grab her.
So after a relatively uneventful going to the crystal thing and breaking it (Garraa made a sand lift to float everyone therre), the gang was over at the exit to the sand village. Oh yeah, if I said that the one in the water village was green because the wind onewould be vlue, then I guess that means the wind one is blue. Right?
Anyway, they were out and Zabuza and Gaara were now teamed up and it was pretty cool having the pre-Chunnin Exams interacting with the Hcunnin Exam stuff. Also Hinata, Haku, and the other Sand Siblings were there I guess. We're getting more canons and less crossover if you couldn't tell.
"So I guess what's next?" Asked Sasuke.
Kamian ran back, panting. Also, Leonard and Alucard and the BBTs were in his Gurren. (Gurren was the mecha he brought out, not Gurren Lagann because there's no Simon.)
"Our new leader, Sheldon, said that we should probably gho to the Lightning Village next. So we're going there."
"Ah. Okay." Replied Sasuke.
"You know, I kind of suspected Brenda of already being brainwashed..." Said Leonard. Then he realized something. "...Wait. Sheldon's the new leader?"
"Yep." Nodded Sheldon. "I'm picked because of my genius."
Leonard looked up to the skies and yelled: "...FUUUUUU..."
Closing AN:
This is probably the point where I should catch up on Naruto...
Thankfully, I'm planning on putting this on a brief hiatus while I start the new Sweet Jade and Hella John anyway, so I could (but probably won't) take advantage of that time to catch up and look at the Cloud and Stone Villages a bit, and maybe see if there's any 'key players' associated with those regions that I can just plug in. I'm not quite sure when this hiatus ends - it could be after the new SJAHJ is completed (don't worry, it's not going to take a year+ like the old one did - I want to just rapid-fire through it soley so that I can make a new "canon"), or it could just be after the first chapter (which should hopefully only take a few days to do). Either way, I'd like, at the very least, all of the installments to be out and in their 'new forms' before publishing Housestuck: The Split, and I want Split to be published before 2018.
