Chapter Four: The Sound of Silence

Bowser had always liked haikus, that ancient form of poetry from the far east. Haikus consisted of 17 syllables divided into three lines, with the lines having 5, 7, and 5 syllables in that order. Bowser liked them because they were probably the easiest form of poetry possible, and even before he started to read, he liked to pretend he was something of a scholar. One haiku he had composed a long time ago ran:

Like the moon over

the day, my genius and brawn

are lost on these fools.

Locked in his Toad Town apartment room, either reading or scratching on scraps of paper, his latest haikus were not nearly as positive.

Everyone hates me.

For long years I was evil.

They never forgive.

...

Long thick durable

rope, strong enough to strangle

the freak koopa king.

...

High cliff over sharp

rocks, leaping would end it all

in a quick moment.

...

Neck bared, long sharp knife,

drag along in a clean line,

throat choked by blood.

...

My wrist cut blood runs

a trail of winding rivers

marks my painful death.

...

Leg tied to a rock,

tumble into the deep sea

the end will come soon.

...

Death death death death death

death death death death death death death

death death death death death

...

Die die die die die

die die die die die die die

die die die die die

...

Stand in the rushing

road, arms open as I wait

for the truck of demise.

...

He crossed out that last one. A truck probably couldn't kill him. In fact, it was a good question what could actually kill him, since Mario had failed for so many years. Even if the fat idiot had always meant to simply knock Bowser out, he should have accidently killed the koopa king one of these days through his violent methods.

No, it was just no good. No good. No good. No good. No good. No good. No good.

It was somewhere in that lost period of time in that darkness, endlessly writing stupid nothings that meant nothing and that no one would ever care about that the pain suddenly became too much. Bowser wanted to peel the skin off his head, wanted to grate his face off, wanted to smash his head against the wall until he could stop thinking stop thinking stop thinking stop thinking stop thinking. It was endless. He tried to sleep to avoid it, but his mind wouldn't allow it. It attacked him with dark thought after dark thought, torturing him awake. Was this going to be his life from now on? It was too much. This was it, he was done. He was too tired, he couldn't take it anymore.

In his next note for Kammy he asked for a thirty foot rope. He wasn't sure exactly how much he'd need, so better too much than too little. He had a thick neck after all.

Kammy's shocking naivety paid off as it had before . She delivered him the rope, and left a strange message that seemed to imply she thought he meant to practice some kind of arts and crafts with it.

Perhaps, Bowser thought, Consider it modern art. They call just about anything art these days.

There was a convenient rafter in the room, perfect to tie a rope around. Bowser threw the rope up over it and with the two ends prepared to tie a noose. He stepped up onto the lonely chair in the room but found that it did not have the strength of Peach's little pink chair. With a loud creak, the chair shifted and then shattered beneath Bowser's feet.

Ultimately Bowser had to drag his bed below the rafter and tie the rope standing on top of it. When the noose was ready Bowser put it around his neck (with some effort) and then stood for at least an hour, trying to gain the courage to jump off of the bed. He had not expected this fear. To suddenly stand in the face of oblivion, to be faced with a choice he couldn't take back. The contemplations he discovered in that moment were too dark and bizarre to be described directly. Afterwards, Bowser wasn't even sure he remembered the exact moment. He just knew that eventually, like the disconnect between laying in bed and suddenly dreaming, he had stepped forward and fallen.

Both a fear and a joy grabbed him at that moment. Before he could contemplate any further, he crashed into the floor as his weight pulled the rafter down and destroyed the roof above his room. The sound was terrible, and Bowser thought it had been the sound of death, until he found himself sitting on the floor, rope still around his neck, snapped at one end.

He sat with his mind numb for five minutes, before the sound of rapid knocking outside his door woke him up.

"FUCK!" Bowser roared. He stood in a rage, ripped the rope from his neck, and stomped towards the sound of knocking. He ripped the door open and violently shoved aside the landlord who was standing there. "GOD DAMN IT!"

Before he completely lost it and burned the building down with his fiery breath a cold spike of depression shot out from the depths of his mind and he was immediately sobered. He turned back to make sure the toad he had shoved aside was alright, and found a very angry, somewhat bruised individual standing up to him, demanding he leave.

"Don't worry, I'm going." Bowser said quietly.

He turned around, walked down the stairs, and left the building. Alternately waves of fury and misery swept over him. He wanted to leave, to escape. For the moment the memory of the attempted suicide was so embarrassing that Bowser couldn't think of trying again. He just had to leave.

He slept in an alleyway and then at night left Toad Town. Toad Town people went to bed early and awoke early like good little citizens, and so no one was there to see his departure. That was just how he wanted it. With any luck, they would all forget about him.

He took the midnight train, operated by a single lonely old koopa. Bowser took the train to the very end of the line, just recently constructed: a little outpost in the western Koopa Kingdom. And then from there, he wandered.

He tried not to eat. He thought that maybe with an ascetic sort-of lifestyle he could find some kind of understanding, or at least he wouldn't be such a fat piece of shit anymore. He couldn't resist the sweet beckonings of food however. The times when he was stuffing his face were one of the very few times his mind was sated and he stopped thinking about his situation. So he ate, and ate and ate random foods he found in the wilderness, stuff he stole from dumpsters in the towns he passed through—mushrooms, plants, whatever. Sometimes he became sick. Sometimes, when he was very sick, but still no closer to death, laying out on desert sands beneath the dark twinkling sky, he prayed quietly to whatever might be above.

For better or worse, the call was quietly absorbed by the darkness.


"And then eventually I ended up back here, the castle already deserted. The Koopa Kingdom had already been dissolved by the final alliances with the Mushroom Kingdom." Bowser finished.

"It was simply progress, my liege." Kammy said simply. "It's best for everyone involved if the two kingdoms come together, as it was in ancient times."

"It's not best for me!" Bowser shouted. Then his face turned red and he scowled. "No, of course, I'm being selfish. What's best for the majority is what's ultimately best, right? Every time I feel pain it doesn't matter, I'm only being selfish. Of course. Of course."

Kammy rolled her eyes and grabbed Bowser's hands. "You big idiot. Just shut up."

"Wh-what!?" Bowser's eyes widened.

"Come with me." Kammy instructed. "And just be quiet."

The two entered the dark castle, which Kammy filled up with magical light by gesturing to the various wall sconces they passed.

Kammy had Bowser take a long hot bath in the royal chambers while she cooked. After the bath she had Bowser eat most of a huge bowl of warm soup, filled with what seemed like an endless variety of ingredients, and then had Bowser go to bed.

"Read a book if you need to. Wait...here, read this." Kammy teleported a book from the library and handed it to Bowser. "Have you read this?"

Bowser glanced down at the title. "No."

"Good. Read that." Kammy nodded and turned around. "Have a good night, King Bowser."

As the little old magikoopa scurried away, Bowser looked down at the floor. Too overwhelmed with the kindness that felt far too unnatural to him, he only moved his jaws a slight bit before calling out:

"Thank you Kammy."