There will be talk if under the moonlight
We are the ones talking not dancing
Privacy's not allowed
Smarter to follow the crowd
Carried away by love
Chapter Four: Just When I'd given up Hope
~*~
I shouldn't have done it. I shouldn't have kissed her. I can't say what came over me that day. It was a moment of stupidity, of insanity…a severe lapse of judgment. It was just that everything had been so perfect. The way the moon hit her auburn eyes, the slight flush of red on her normally pale cheeks…it drove me to do something I had never imagined myself actually having the guts to do. And as I watched her retreating form, I was reminded of exactly why I'd never gathered the nerve. Because I knew what such actions would do to her…to us. I knew she wasn't ready; that her feelings hadn't changed for me. I knew that it would drive us farther apart than we've ever been before.
The only thing that kept me going after that was the feeling that had spread through my body at the contact. Never had I dreamed it to be like that…I'd never kissed a girl before. I remember, as a little boy, telling my older brother that Kari was going to be the first girl I was going to kiss, and that the first girl I kissed was going to be the one I married. Matt had laughed at my eight-year-old self, but it was a resolution that I've never grown out of. Of course, as I watched her disappear around the corner of a nearby building, I knew my chances had gone from slim to none. But I couldn't help that nagging feeling; that feeling that told me not to lose all hope just yet. My optimistic-self had taken quite a blow, to be sure, but she had not immediately pushed me away. In fact, if I remember correctly, she had embraced me. Returned the kiss. Why couldn't she just let her heart follow where her body was so clearly leading her?
Fortunately, circumstance had made for an opportunity for some space. I knew she needed it, and I definitely needed it to. Did I go back and act like nothing happened, or do I vehemently apologize for my foolish actions? Neither would be easy, it was just a matter of figuring out which would have more consequences. At this point in my friendship with Hikari, I wasn't so sure anymore.
I had decided, after a few days away and a lot of basketball, that I would go with my first option. I decided that I didn't want her to think that I was in any way indifferent, and I didn't feel I should apologise for something that I did not entirely see as wrong. If I could skim over it, as we would both understand that it wasn't something to be easily forgotten, maybe I could get her to see that I was not in fact sorry, but neither was I going to expect anything from her. I didn't want to scare her off.
Of course, this was easier said than done. It was two days after my return to the city that I actually gathered the nerve to call her, and she had told me that she'd had other plans. Her explanation were vague and incomplete, leading me to believe that she was either avoiding me or she was hiding something that she didn't want me specifically to know. We may have drifted apart in these passed few months, but I still knew her better than she knew herself.
At least, that was what I kept telling myself. Things had gotten okay between us, but I knew she was still hiding something. A month after the initial incident, it was time for our weekly trip to the market. She'd skipped out every time before this, and I knew I had only myself to blame. I was happy, though, for it seemed things would finally be getting on track.
So imagine my surprise when I saw not one but two people waiting for me at our usual spot. The first was obviously Hikari; I could spot her familiar figure from a mile away. The second…the second made me nervous. He was tall and broad, and from this distance I could tell that he was the kind of boy that girls were naturally drawn to. Some had placed myself into that category, but I didn't believe them. The one girl I wanted to draw to me I managed to repel in every way possible when it came to anything close to being romantically involved. As the distance between us lessened I noticed that he seemed older than both she and I, and he certainly dressed himself well. But it was not any of these things that had struck me the hardest. It was the fact that they were holding hands. In that instant I felt my heart drop, because I suddenly put the pieces together. It would no longer just be 'Takeru and Hikari', it would be 'Takeru and Hikari and her boyfriend'. My 'best friend' status had suddenly dropped to 'third wheel'. Not that I'd never been around dating couples before; it was just that these relationships never involved the girl that I was hopelessly in love with.
Shinji. That was his name, though I pretended I never remembered it. I was vaguely reminded of a time when we were younger, when a certain Daisuke refused to put two simple letters together to form my own name. But I would not put myself in the same category. This was different; it wasn't just some puppy love. At first he seemed like a decent enough guy; despite being older and rich, he was actually quite nice. But then it just got to be too much for me. He was too nice. Too perfect. The man was the personification of politeness, always addressing those around him in a smooth and cordial manner. I don't know why this bothered me so much, until I spent a little more time around him. Fortunately he wasn't the jealous type, or at the very least, he trusted Hikari to no end. I had no doubts that she'd told him everything about me and how I felt about her. Kudos to the man for trying not to bar her from seeing me, given that it was still quite plain that I would do anything for her. As time in their relationship progressed, however, I did begin to sense a little tension. And I certainly didn't mind it; the thought that I could be even the slightest threat gave me a strange though small amount of satisfaction.
It was just that he had no…passion. In everything he did, he did it the same. I never saw his face light up at the sight of his girlfriend, nor did I hear him speak about her with a certain ardour that I felt he should have. I never saw a look in his eyes that was meant only for her. Of course, I wasn't the one on the inside of the relationship. Maybe he was different with her alone; maybe he was quite jealous, but was keeping a good show on for me. Or maybe I was the jealous one, and I was too blind to see it. But it just bothered me that everything he did, everything he said, seemed to come from a script.
So, one day when I thought I would be driven mad, I confronted her about it. She wasn't thrilled with me by any stretch of the word, though I had gone into it knowing that. My hope of ever being with her was slowly fading, and it was held down by mere threads at the moment. I had to try; I had to see. She wasn't happy, but neither was she unhappy. Their relationship wasn't bad, from what I could see, but I knew she deserved better. She deserved a man that would worship the very ground she walked on…a man that would lay down his life for her. I don't know how I did, but I knew that Shinji was not that man.
Hikari was ever-stubborn in her responses. I almost had to hide a smile; she always came across as sweet and innocent. As a child she'd been much more willing, a people-pleaser. Thankfully she had begun to grow out of that during the last few years of elementary school. Now her tenacity could rival that of her older brother, in some areas, though I would never tell her that. I was on her bad side enough right now as it was.
But I needed to know. I needed to know if she loved him. My feelings for her had not grown any less; not in the slightest. If anything, they had grown. But I needed to give my heart that answer; I was tired of guessing. Not tired of waiting, but it just couldn't handle the uncertainty.
The answer she gave me definitely got rid of my uncertainty. The resounding 'yes' cut to my core, shredding every last bit of hope that held my bleeding heart together. That was it, then. I couldn't stay with her; I had to be away. I had to let reality wash over me.
I wandered through campus for a bit, strangely ending up at the main door that led into my dorm. How I got here, I couldn't remember. In a daze I made it to my room, instantly recalling how she had been the one to set it up, as she was making a tradition out of. She'd done it in first year, and had done the same at the beginning of this one. Well, I knew she wouldn't be coming here anymore. In an effort to save what was left of me, I rearranged it. A hurricane may as well have come through, but I didn't care. At least it didn't have her signature all over it. It took me longer than I thought it would, as I realised when I noticed my clock glowing ten. It was dark outside, of course, though I had only just noticed. Somewhere along the line I had flipped the light on, but I have no recollection of doing that either. I was much to preoccupied with erasing whatever Hikari had left behind.
I flopped onto my bed, finally allowing everything to truly consume me, as the shock and the numbness wore off. I don't know what else I had expected from her. They had been dating over a year, and if there was one thing with Hikari, it was that she took relationships seriously. Perhaps I would come to accept it in time, but right now I needed to grieve. I realised what a fool I was, for allowing myself to think as I had. Ever the Child of Hope…but now this hope's light had faded. I had deluded myself into thinking that, somewhere deep down, she did actually love me. I should have believed her when she told me the first time; I should not have allowed myself to fall so deep. But I had, and now I was suffering for it.
I promised that I would wait for her. I promised that I would be a part of her life forever. I'm sorry, Hikari, but it looks like I'm going to have to break that promise, even if only for a little while.
~*~
I'd never been away from Hikari for so long before. I saw her occasionally, and I could see that expectant look on her face every time we crossed paths. But right now all I could do was smile and nod politely, as if she was a mere acquaintance. I knew she was confused about it; that she didn't understand. But I couldn't let her torture me for much longer. Not while my pain was still fresh. She, in all her innocence, would wish for things to be as they were. I don't know why, but I knew she wanted me…as her best friend. She missed me when I was gone, and I knew she enjoyed having me around. But I could no longer keep up the charade around her. Not when my hope was so badly faded. Maybe in a few years I would call her up. Maybe I would come over with my wife, and we would have lunch. Or maybe I would never get married; that wouldn't be fair to the woman who took my name as her own. Second place. That would be all she would ever be. A part of me said I was being silly; that I'd taken 'drama queen' to a new level. Maybe I had, but it certainly didn't feel like that in the midst of this dark valley.
I was a little surprised, though I suppose I shouldn't have been, when she called me up one day. What she wanted, I had no idea, but I knew it had to be something.
"Hello?" I answered, though I knew full well who it was. Usually I answered differently when she called, in a way that indicated I knew she was the one who had called. Caller ID was a wonderful tool, of course.
"Hey, 'Keru…"
I could hear the uncertainty in her voice. She was using a name for me that she hadn't in a while. A few months ago it might have caused my heart to skip a beat and my stomach to flip, but right now it merely caused a cynical note to wash through me.
"What's up?" I was as casual as I could be.
"Um…not too much. You?"
"Just getting ready to go to lunch."
"Oh."
A silence followed. I could clearly picture the look on her face right now; she would be biting her lip and her face would be crimson red.
"Was there something you needed?" Needed, because she would never want something from me. Not anymore.
"I…I was just…no. You have plans already."
I suppressed a sigh as I pinched the bridge of my nose, closing my eyes tightly. She still had that power over me.
Finally, I did sigh. "No, I don't have any plans."
"W-well, if you weren't busy, Shinji…" she stopped and I wasn't sure why, but anything that included his name wasn't exactly something I wanted to be doing.
"Shinji is…he's out of town for a bit and I was just-"
"I'll meet you at the usual spot in five." I cut her off; there was no point in making her fully explain herself.
I wondered just how long he had been out of town. Evidently it was long enough to drive her to seek my company instead of waiting around for him. I probably should have just let her think I had plans. It would have been better for my still-aching heart. I knew what would happen the moment I saw her; it would be both a breath of fresh air and a fresh wound to my already tattered spirit. But I've been through so much with her that it was difficult to say no. I'd always been there for her, and though her boyfriend being out of town was hardly anything to save her from I couldn't help myself. Since we were eight years old I had protected her. Why should I stop now? Maybe I was a masochist. Maybe I needed therapy.
We met at that spot again; I knew she would know the place. Though we hadn't met here in a long while, it didn't change. That was one of the things about our friendship; just like our meeting spot, it didn't change. I almost laughed at the irony. I should have seen that, when I had so desperately wanted for something to shift.
She greeted me with a smile, a smile that, despite my somewhat gloomy state these days, lifted my spirits ever so slightly. I couldn't let her see my misery; truth be told I was wallowing in it. I was not man enough to pick myself up and move on. Did anyone blame me? I loved this girl…I still did. I had loved her for a very long time.
"Hey."
I simply nodded in greeting, my hands stuffed into my pockets.
"How about the market?" She was trying to fall back into our formerly regular pattern, but she was failing worse than I thought she would. I don't know why I made her so nervous these days.
"Sounds good to me."
Our conversation was simple and trivial. She asked me how I was doing, and after a prompt 'fine' I reciprocated the question, to which she all but repeated my answer. Neither of us dared touch the subject of her boyfriend, thought I was rather grateful for that at the moment. I didn't want to talk about him when we were trying to do things like we used to.
We touched on the weather, and on the difficulty level and workload of our respective classes. We didn't have any together this term, though the semester was almost over. In four weeks time, when exams were all finished, we would return home. I suspected that she had plans with Shinji again; she'd brought him home last summer to meet everyone. Maybe this year she would go to his hometown, though I knew she had met his family already. I knew she wasn't comfortable there; it was a world that did not touch our own. Though she was not a stranger to travelling into different worlds, this was one she could not seem to penetrate. Everywhere else she had shone like the light she was…but there she was simply 'Shinji's girlfriend'. I knew this because she had once, before my confrontation, discussed it with me.
"So what are you doing for the summer?" she asked, and I knew I would have no choice but to ask the same of her, though I wasn't sure I actually wanted to know.
I shrugged, leaning back in my chair. Our lunch was finished; we were merely in conversation now. "The usual, I guess. I'll probably find a job…maybe down at the marina this year. Spend some more time out in the sun."
To this she only nodded, her gaze dropping to the plate in front of her where she began to pick at the uneaten crust of her sandwich. In that instant I knew that something was bothering her. Whether I had the right to ask or not I didn't know, but it suddenly dawned on me that it was probably the reason why she had called me up in the first place. I felt my bleeding heart sputter back to life momentarily in my chest for a moment, as if suddenly remembering how it was supposed to work. I knew that this new hope would be dangerous, but I couldn't help it. Her answer could break me again. Or perhaps it would instil in me a stronger hope than I'd been feeling as of late, which of course had the potential of being crushed again. After this conversation I knew that I would need another break from her presence, if she was going to do this to me every time.
"You?" I finally prompted, uncertain if I should broach the subject, though she had been the one to initiate it.
I watched as she ran her tongue over her teeth, something she did when she was unsure of what to say or how to begin. "I…I don't know." She finally said.
At that point I wasn't so sure that she had actually wanted me to ask her. Before I could read her like a book; now it seemed that she was written in a foreign language, one that I was once fluent in but was losing my grasp on.
"Oh." Was all I finally said.
An awkward silence fell between us. I remained as I was, arms folded across my chest as I leaned into the chair. My gaze bore into her, which was probably the reason why she remained concentrated on pulling the remains of her meal to shreds.
She bit her lip, then, and I imagined the resolution setting into her eyes. "I mean, I did have plans with Shinji, but I'm not so sure anymore."
My heart jumped to life in that moment, more so than it had before, and it was life it had not had since that day a few months ago. I swallowed hard, pushing back the hope. The hope would crush me, I had learned. Hope was dangerous without light to fuel it.
I couldn't resist; I had to make light of this somehow. A small smirk touched my lips, "What, trouble in paradise?"
I watched as her own lips curled upwards, though I knew she was trying to fight it. My effect on her had not changed, it seemed.
She sighed, finally lifting her gaze to meet mine. "No, not really. It's just…I don't know anymore. He's just so…busy all the time. I know he's graduating this year and all, but he's talking about joining his father's business. He's to inherit it someday, and he needs the training. He says that this summer will be his 'debut', which means parties and formals and galas…I don't know if I can handle all of that."
I couldn't help myself, "Wow, must be hard. I can't imagine having to go to parties and wear nice clothes. And heaven forbid you eat any of the free food."
She wanted to roll her eyes at me, I could tell, but she refrained. Obviously I knew there was more to that life than what I had poked fun at, and I also knew she would know this.
"It's just…so much is expected from me. I don't know…I don't know if I can do it. Shinji is confident I can, he says he wouldn't be dating me if I couldn't. He says that I would…" she trailed off, and I pursed my lips and dropped my gaze, because I knew where this was going.
She continued, her voice just barely above a whisper now, "He says that I would make a good wife in that sort of setting…the kind the CEO of a major corporation needs."
Seriously. Was this that guy's idea of 'romantic things to say to your girlfriend'? Really I found the whole thing ridiculous. And knowing who she was, and knowing who her friends were, I knew she would have heard it before. I suspected that Miyako had already been contacted, and that plan had backfired. I'd also been in contact with the girl, though less frequently as Hikari, but a while ago she'd informed me that our mutual friend did not give out any information on her boyfriend, and thus I was the one designated to do it. I wondered if Hikari had finally relented and told Miyako of this. I could only imagine the girl's response…it was the kind I knew would really have liked to have given. It was one thing that I admired about Miyako; she was able to speak her mind so clearly. Her sometimes lack of discretion as to when to divulge such thoughts got her into more trouble than it got her out of, but still a trait to be admired nonetheless.
I allowed the silence to linger a few moments, chewing over this information. I knew it wouldn't be appropriate to laugh in this instant. Hikari had come to me for counsel, it seemed, and I would do my best to give it to her.
Finally I leaned forward a little, resting my hands in my lap. "Do you think that you would make a good wife for a CEO?"
She was silent again, her gaze once more dropping to her place. "I don't know. The thought of it…it scares me half to death."
I could see that our conversation was not finished, but I also knew that it could be going to a place more private than either of us wanted the outside world to experience. I flagged the waiter down and asked for the bill, quickly silencing any ideas of her paying for it. I took care of things quickly, then went to meet her at the front of the small restaurant.
We walked in silence until we reached a more secluded place. It was still out in the open, there were jus fewer people. In a park near the market and still off campus we placed ourselves beneath the shade of a sakura tree. It was a shame that they were not in season, but the blooms had faded weeks ago.
"Does he know anything about the Digital World?" I finally asked. I didn't see why he wouldn't, seeing as she had professed to loving him.
I heard a quiet chuckle from her, and I looked over to see her shaking her head. Leaning her head against the trunk of the tree, she turned to me. "Nope."
Quite frankly, I was shocked. I supposed it wasn't such a difficult thing to hide anymore, as our job there was complete. No longer did we have to disappear for long periods of time, often under the guise of a club meeting or a class trip. We missed our otherworld friends, though we did get to see them from time to time. It was difficult to do so while we were all dispersed across the country, but when we were all together and at home we always tried to pay them a visit. Had Hikari intended on giving that up?
"I don't suppose you're going to tell me why not?" A question that could either be answered or left rhetorical.
She sighed. "I don't know, to be honest. It just…hasn't come up. I mean, it's not like I can say 'hey, I can travel to another world through a computer screen, and I have these really cool friends there too', you know?"
I knew there was more to it than that, "And you're afraid he'll think you're stupid, or that he'll be afraid."
She nodded slowly.
"Well, all I can say is that, if he really loves you, it shouldn't matter to him." The thought of that caused a fresh tear in my mending heart.
She didn't answer again, and I was afraid to prompt for anything further. But I knew that she was mulling something over in her mind, I just didn't know if it was a good thing or bad thing. All I did know was that it was starting to churn that hope inside of me again, and I could not suppress it.
"Takeru…" she said, turning to face me. We stared at each other for a moment, and I could feel the magnetic pull that she had. That pull that I had so foolishly succumbed to all those months ago…and I wasn't going to let it take me now. I subtly turned my face away, for I was afraid that my self-control would fade faster than I could realise what was happening.
Sighing, she shook her head again, breaking us both out of the trance. "Never mind, it's nothing."
I couldn't just leave her like that though; I had to do something. Reaching out I grabbed her hand, giving it a gentle squeeze. It was purely a friendship gesture, at least, that was how I (mostly) hoped she would take it. "I'm here, you know, if you ever need to talk about anything."
She nodded, and though my words were simple I knew they had reached her. It was not a trivial promise between people, but something that ran deeper; a promise between best friends. I was glad to know that I had not completely lost my status in her heart.
I took the initiative, then, to end our time together. I didn't want her feeling uncomfortable, and I certainly didn't want to drive her away from me. In instantly regretted all those times I had snubbed her as I walked by. But it was too late to apologise for them now. Things had been mended between us, I figured, and there was no use trying to push my luck.
As I lay in my bed that night, my room still looking like a disaster zone, my mind began to dangerously go over things that I probably should not have. I could feel that hope welling up within me again. Hikari had come back…not as completely as I would have liked, but she was back. She was having doubts in her relationship, and I couldn't help but believe that I was actually going to have a chance. If I could just prove myself better…more worthy…
No. I really shouldn't think like that. I knew that if I did, I would be even more crushed than I had before. It would be something that touched not only my heart, but it would extend down deeply into the recesses of my soul. I did not want a hurt that could not be healed; losing Hikari again, and I knew it would be fully the next time, was something I could not even fathom. As much as I had tried to push her away from me for my own good, I couldn't deny that I needed her. She was my air, my heartbeat, my light. No matter how desperately I wanted her to see this, I knew that she would have to come to the realisation on her own.
She had never been one to follow the crowd, which I think is part of the reason she had so strongly resisted me. But sometimes I wonder if it was just better. To let them carry you away…sweep you off your feet. The crowd wasn't always such a bad thing. That way people wouldn't talk. You wouldn't have to change who you were. If I could sweep her away with me…with that crowd…maybe she would see that. I loved Hikari for who she was and who she wanted to be. She had dreams…dreams that would be crushed if she and Shinji were ever to tie the knot. Money wasn't everything, despite what some would believe. But maybe…maybe this time I could do it. Maybe I could get her to follow along in my simple and unrefined dance, the dance I had been trying to lead her on all this time. The dance of the common folk was easier than that of a prince. Maybe, with time, she would grow tired of his dance. Maybe the princess would find it in her to do something wild and reckless within the world of royalty. Maybe she would become normal. It was the only thing I could hope for.
~*~
Calmer of the Storm: Almost there! One more chapter! I really wish I could have extended this story…I'm really enjoying it, haha. It's one that I can actually read over. Which means I'm not totally embarrassed about it, lol. But I just couldn't see it being any longer than that, with the style of writing that I've managed to put into this.
Well, the (sort of) good news is…know what I did last night? I wrote a prologue. To another story. Yep, I'm an idiot. Lol. I'll probably end up posting it when this thing is over with. Which means I'm not in 'retirement' as much as I thought I was. Oh well. I guess I just can't keep from writing for too long xD
Next chapter: The end!
"Sorry you don't get your prince", he said, though I knew he wasn't sorry at all.
