"Okay class, listen up," said Xander as his one eye evaluated his students. "Today I'm going to show you some videos to help you when you go out to kill vampires. Pay close attention everyone, I will quiz you on this later."

The first video was only nine minutes long, so soon enough Xander was turning on the lights and talking to the new slayers again.

"Okay, now who can tell me what they learned from this?" asked Xander.

"That you watch way too much TV," said one girl that was sitting in the back.

"This is true, but I was thinking about what you learned on how to kill vampires."

"Never pull the lever for the Super Fun Happy Slide?" ventured one of the Slayers.

"There you go a good lesson. The Super Fun Happy Slide is always a trap, never go on it."

"Nothing happens when you stake a vampire in the crotch?"

"Sadly that was one thing that the video got wrong. The crotch is fare game people, as Rona proved when she went out last week."

"Vampires can come back to life long enough to fire you?"

"Yep, if you work for them; at last count we have three vampires that refused to stay dust. If you want to know their full histories they're in the computer under Deadboy, Bleached Blunder, and Deadboy's Skanky Sire."

"Xander, could I have a word with you?" asked Giles from his place in the back of the room where he had been resisting the urge to hit his head against the wall for the last fifteen minutes.

"Oh come on Giles, the next video is South Park."

3) Not allowed to use Simpsons, South Park, or any other cartoon as authoritative references.


In Xander's opinion writing reports was dull. No, on second though make that dull to the power of dull, with a side of mind numbing boring. Fortunately he had found a way to make writing the reports a bit more interesting.

He first stumbled onto his method after one patrol reminded him of an episode of Xena. On a whim he started that report with 'In a time when' just to give it a bit more flavor, and before he knew it he had the report written as a not boring fantasy story. All the points were covered, and he only added in a scene or two to keep the plot going.

After doing this a few times, Giles said that he couldn't begin his reports that way, even going so far as to put it on the list. He had probably just meant it as a reminder to write proper reports, but Xander had simply seen it as a challenge.

The next report started with 'Once upon a time,' and read like a fairy tale from a children's book. He was able to write two reports like this before it made it on the list.

Next came 'It was a dark and stormy night.' This was a tribute to all the horror authors he had been forced to read in high school. Only one made it in before this too was added to the list.

Now it was time once again for the weekly meetings, where everyone shared their reports. Xander had a bet going with himself that they would only let him read the first line before putting it on the list.

"Well Xander, it's your turn," said Giles as he turned towards the younger man with a bit of apprehension.

"Thanks G-man," said Xander right before lifting his report and beginning to read directly from it. "I never believed any of the stories in your magazine, until it happened to me."

"Stop!" commanded Giles, who knew that Xander had spent the last week training the new Nordic slayer, nicknamed Valkyrie, with Faith. Considering how you could tell the theme of Xander's stories these last few weeks it was best to stop here before Xander went into detail.

"I think it's safe to say that is also added to the list Xander," said Giles in a weary voice. "As a matter of fact, I think it may be best if you don't write reports ever again, simply because I fear what your mind will come up with to try and top this."

"If you say so Giles," said Xander as he slid his almost picture perfect report back into its envelope. It was a good thing he won that bet with himself, otherwise he would have to admit defeat and go back to the boring reports.

4) No report may start with: "In a time when"
4a) Or "Once upon a time"
4b) Or "It was a dark and stormy night"
4c) Or "I never believed any of the stories in your magazine, until it happened to me"
4d) In fact, I'm not to write reports at all anymore.


"Be reasonable Xander, calling them that undermines their authority with the Slayers," said Giles.

"Giles the last one peed himself on patrol when he had to fight a fledgling that was so new it still had dirt in its ears. It isn't possible for me to damage their authority any more than that, no matter what I call them."

"Be that as it may, the new Watchers are threatening to quit if you don't stop. We are already undermanned, and even though I'll admit that I loathe accepting help from people who would quit because of a stupid reason like this, the truth is we can't afford to lose them at this time."

"Then put it on the list. That way I can't call them it anymore, but everyone will still know what they are."

"A wonderful solution," said Giles as he broke into a very Ripperish smile.

5) Newly IniTiated Watchers-in-Training are not NITWITs.


"I can't believe you did that," said a shocked Willow as they made their way out of the house after they convinced some parents that their twin daughters were a slayer and a witch.

"Oh there is no way you can blame me for that," said Xander, shaking his head in denial. "It was just a prank to open the way so you could work your mojo."

"You held the book and then said a fire spell, how is this not your fault?"

"It wasn't a magic book; it was a normal everyday book. It's even written in English Willow. Every time I've tried that spell away from the magic books nothing has happened, so other than not knowing God has a twisted sense of humor I don't see how I did anything wrong."

"Did you have to ask if you could keep it?"

"Are you kidding me?" asked Xander as patted the slightly burnt and still damp copy of Fahrenheit 451. "This is proof that not only does God have a sense of irony, but that I really am his monkey boy when he needs some giggles."

6) No longer allowed to demonstrate magic by lighting books on fire.


It was one of the creepiest things Buffy had ever seen in her life, and considering her life that was saying something.

"No Xander," said Buffy in a tone that put Willow's resolve face to shame.

"Oh come on, it isn't that bad," said Xander as he looked at himself in the mirror.

"Lilly almost killed you when she came home from patrol tonight, do you have a death wish or something?"

"Okay fine, ruin my fun with logic and threats against my life. This was just a demo anyway."

Buffy watched as the glowing orb walked over to the wall and turned on the lights, revealing Xander with a glowing super ball in what should be an empty eye socket.

"So, any idea on how to get this thing out?" asked Xander.

7) Not allowed to get a glow in the dark prosthetic eye.


"It's your own fault you know," said Dawn as she flipped through a three month old issue of Time magazine.

"This is in no way my fault," stated Xander.

"You know that Kennedy was having a tough time with Willow."

"Yeah, that's why I was able to hit her. Okay so it was still a one in a million shot, but if she wasn't distracted she would have dodged it."

"And she still went down like the rules said she should, but then you just had to show off and humiliate her."

"Hey, when else was I going to get a chance like this; besides the extra humiliation was supposed to teach her a lesson."

"And just what lesson did you learn?"

Xander winced as he shifted his weight and said, "That Nerf products are surprisingly firm when compressed."

Just then a nurse came into the waiting room and said, "Mr. Harris, the proctologist will see you now."

Xander winced as he got up and waddled into the examination room. He just hoped that Buffy didn't feel like he needed to be taught a lesson and put this on the list.

8) Upon winning any training session with the Nerf Crossbows, I may not 'finish it execution style'.


Buffy twitched as the now familiar cry went through the house.

It had all started out innocent enough when they had been forced to retreat from a fight Xander had acted out a part from one of his favorite movies. That silly act boosted moral, giving the younger slayers the courage they needed to face the demon mage again and win this time.

However Xander, being Xander, didn't stop there though. For the past week every time someone stopped or 'thwarted' from doing something he would let out that same cry for no other reason than to drive Buffy and Giles insane.

Willow was so lucky she was out of the country at the moment.

"What was it this time?" asked Buffy as she walked into the kitchen.

"She stole the last of my cereal!" cried Xander as he pointed an accusing finger at the grinning slayer. "How am I supposed to make it through the day without my bowl of sugar goodness?"

"It's time you joined us grownups in a little thing we call coffee."

"She also took the last of the milk, so what else do you expect me to put in my bowl of cereal?"

This image was the preverbal straw that broke the camel's back. Fighting her now queasy stomach Buffy turned around and said, "Okay that's it. I can't stop the abomination that is putting coffee in cereal, but I will stop the stupid yelling, it's going on the list."

After she stormed out of the room Xander glanced at the clock and noticed that it had been one hundred and sixty eight hours sense he started his geek version of the Chinese water torture. Personally he had been hoping to make her break in the first forty eight, but that just meant that he'd have to be better next time.

9) May not yell "Khaaaaaaaan!" when thwarted in any endeavor.


"Her parents wanted her to take an abstinence course!" screamed Xander as he desperately tried to keep Buffy from shoving Mr. Pointy into an area that was strictly exit only.

"So you decided to tell them about me and Angel?" said Buffy with a distinct growl in her voice.

"And you and Parker, and you and Riley, and you and Spike," confirmed Xander. "But the good news is that after hearing those stories none of the new Slayers want to have sex, and I think one is seriously thinking about becoming a nun."

It was at this point that Buffy caught Xander and (Scene removed due to the high violence content that has no place in a comedy story. Honestly you don't need a play by play; just know that Anya would approve of Buffy's actions.)

"Just so you know, this is going on the list," said Buffy as she stood up and dusted off her hands. Xander simply stayed on the ground, glad that he had the foresight to pre program the number of a good proctologist into his cell phone.

10) References to Buffy's dating habits may not be used as a cautionary tale to younger Slayers.


"Xander?"

"Yes Giles?"

"I'm curious if you have any idea why Andrew has locked himself in a closet."

"Well someone, I don't know who, may have given the new Slayers the idea that they have to go through a ritual to be fully initiated into the role of a Slayer. Now this ritual may or may not involve pantsing Andrew."

"And just what did Andrew do to deserve this kind of treatment?"

"Well he may have eaten my, er someone's, pizza. A pizza that was clearly labeled and was being saved in the fridge because said someone had to skip lunch and dinner."

"Ah, I see. As justifiable as the actions of this mysterious someone may be, there are some things that shouldn't be done. Now while I'm sure a general announcement to stop will be ignored, I think that a rule posted on the list will catch everyone's eye."

"Probably, because while funny the first dozen times, there are some things man was not meant to see, one of those things is a pantsless Andrew."

11) Pantsing Andrew is NOT an initiation ritual.


"No, no way, absolutely not!"

"Oh come on Buffy, they were so disappointed when the rule about Andrew went out that they begged me to come up with something else."

"I don't care; this isn't even close to what you should be doing with a bunch of eighteen year old girls!"

"Faith disagrees," said Xander as he pointed to the Dark Slayer who was wearing a pair of shorts and a white t-shirt with the word judge written on it in black marker.

Buffy's left eyebrow began to twitch as she said, "The fact that Faith agreed that it's a good idea should tell you just how wrong this is! You know what, forget it, I'm just going to put this on the list."

12) Neither are wet T-Shirt contests.


Xander smirked as he walked into the indoor pool room. Dawn and some of the younger SIT's had asked him to come down as give them swimming lessons. Now he was all for helping to teach the girls the finer points of aquatic maneuvering, but he had overheard a group of them giggling about how they planned to use the session to get his engine so revved up that he's have to call Mary Palm and her five friends later that night.

Now if this had been a year ago or so Xander would have just shrugged and given the lesions until the girls had gotten out of hand and then ended it. However a part of him was really beginning to enjoy causing chaos and forcing Buffy to write new rules for that list of hers, hence Operation Speedo.

Operation Speedo was rather self explanatory really, and while his original one from the swim team was buried in the sinkhole formally known as Sunnydale it had been simple enough to buy a new one at the local health club. Deciding to take a play from some of the girls he had intentionally bought one that was at least two sizes too small.

"Hello you sexy beast, I think I'm in love," muttered one of the English slayers, in a tone low enough that Xander probably wasn't meant to hear it.

"It's stuffed, it has to be stuffed," muttered another girl as Xander got into the pool.

"Trust the voice of experience here, it's not stuffed," said Faith. She had just come to watch Xander get flustered as the girls gave him a hard time, however this was even better.

Faith was disappointed however. It seemed like most of the girls lost their nerve when Xander's manhood was only contained by a thin piece of cloth that looked like it was already stretched so much it was going to snap off at any moment.

That wasn't to say that no one tried though. A few of the more adventurous girls more or less molded their bodies to his, and one went so far as to flash him, but while the bulge increased it remained covered.

"Okay girls, that's enough for today. I'm calling it quits, but if anyone wants to continue this I'll be back here at the same time tomorrow," said Xander an hour after he had first gotten into the pool.

The next day the pool room was filled to the brim. The events of the last swim class had spread like wildfire, and now every girl in the compound was in her bathing suit to see if reality would be as good as the gossip.

Xander walked into the much more crowded pool room with the same confidant stride he had yesterday, despite the fact that he was rather nervous about how many people had shown up.

"Well this explains things," said Buffy, as the only fully clothed woman pushed her way towards the only male. Buffy took one look at what Xander was wearing before breaking into a full face blush and saying, "I'm banning the Speedo."

"Oh come on Buffy, it's just some fun. Besides Jill thinks I'm a sexy beast," said Xander, his voice carrying over the various shouts of displeasure.

"Doesn't matter, it's too distracting."

"It's not like I plan to wear it all the time. How exactly can it be too distracting when I only wear it for an hour a day?"

"Because this was all that was left in my combat training class," said Buffy as he held up a sheet of paper that simply said 'Taken up Swimming.' "Sorry Xander, but this is going on the List."

13) The Speedo is not to be worn, even if I am a 'sexy beast.'