Chapter 4: Crazy fans are scarier than vampires

Three days into his role as Okita's personal slave, Hijikata already found himself wishing he hadn't been born. While the freelancer was often required to do menial jobs such as buying groceries and cleaning Okita's room, Hijikata's tasks seemed to revolve around pointless things that were designed mainly to embarrass him. The Shinsengumi vice captain had a feeling that his subordinate had been planning these torturous tasks in secret for years and years, keeping them hidden away in his sadistic mind until they could be unleashed. And the time was now.

For example, just yesterday, Sougo had come in to Hijikata's office with a list of Things to Do. Hijikata's heart practically stopped pumping as his eyes travelled down the handwritten list, which got progressively worse as he read on:

TORTURE METHODS THINGS TO DO (Hijikata Version)

1) Ask for foie gras at Burger King, and get angry when they don't have it.

2) Get Otsu's autograph five times wearing different disguises.

3) Find a busker and do the moonwalk to the music. I don't care what music it is, just do it.

4) Go and watch the new Tvilight movie by yourself.

5)When the movie ends, stand up and applaud.

And last but not least,

6) Buy tampons (5 packs).

Hijikata looked up at Sougo, whose eyes were glowing red. When he spoke, his voice had all the strength of a dying weed. "What do you need ... tampons... for?"

"I get nosebleeds*," Sougo said, but his face read something else. "Do all those by today, please." He turned to leave the room, but suddenly stopped as if he forgot something. Then he turned back to Hijikata and took the cigarette from between his superior's lips. "Confiscated," he said in glee. Then he walked out, whistling.

***

That night, at the Yorozuya, a frantic knock of desperation was heard at the door. 'Ok, I'm coming,' Shinpachi called. When he opened the door, a spirit flew in weakly. Specifically, a spirit in Shinsengumi uniform drifted in.

'Where...is...he..." Hijikata questioned, turning towards Shinpachi.

I wonder what happened to him, thought Shinpachi, as he guided what was left of Hijikata's mortal being towards the living room, where Gintoki lay draped on the couch like a limp rag.

What followed was like a reunion of two deeply traumatized banshees, each trying to prove that they were more deeply wronged than the other.

"HE MADE ME HIKE UP THE HIGHEST MOUNTAIN TO PICK A FREAKING APPLE," moaned Gintoki. "THAT GUY HAS SERIOUSLY WEIRD THINGS IN HIS ROOM... AND HE SAID THE BURGER WAS COLD."

"YOU THINK THAT'S BAD... READ THIS LIST," howled Hijikata, holding the list to Gintoki's face. This effectively shut him up and he began to pat Hijikata's arm sympathetically.

'Those people at the cinema tried to make me join the Edvard Cullen fan club,' Hijikata practically wept, and this time both Shinpachi and Kagura came to pat his arm soothingly.

Gintoki was deep in thought. "This has to stop," he said decisively, reaching for his wooden sword.

Hijikata sprang to his feet. "You can't do that! Okita's the best swordsman in the Shinsengumi. Besides, he's going to blurt out everything and all this suffering will be for nothing. By tomorrow, the whole CITY will think we're a couple!!"

"You guys are practically canon anyway," Kagura said, and both of them aimed a swipe at her head, which she dodged successfully.

"I never said I was going to fight with him," said Gintoki. "I'm simply going to ask for aid.. from a very experienced source." He twisted the handle of the wooden sword and out popped a tiny mobile phone. "Got this just last week," he said. "For emergency purposes."

He dialled a number on the keypad and raised the phone to an ear.

"Hey Zura...? Yeah, it's me, Gintoki...Whatever, you will always be 'Zura' to me. Listen, I need your help. Ok. See you." He hung up.

Gintoki turned to the others and his face broke into the familiar confident grin.

"Zura's coming."

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