Mike was with Xandir and Ling-Ling in the kitchen nook. It would have been normal if it wasn't for Captain Hero clipping his toenails which were bouncing all around and cracking cups just as good as any old bullets. It even broke the ceiling to the upstairs bathroom.
"You'll shoot someone's eye out!" Mike yelled to the superhero, more annoyed with him than liking him now to his living habits.
"Hey, who left their Golden Ring of Kuldar in the f***ing crapper?" Toot barged in, angrily.
"Guilty!" Xandir called out, chuckling. "Sorry..."
"Oh, is this yours...?" Toot asked, rather sweetly, though seductively.
"Obviously." Mike declared.
"Stuff it, Mike!" Toot snapped at her, but looked sultry to Xandir and put the ring in between her breasts. "Come and get it, big boy~"
Xandir looked extremely hesitant, even more than any other man would in that position, but came up to Toot anyway.
"Here, I'll get it," Mike butted in, much to Toot's annoyance, seeing how Xandir really didn't want to. For some odd reason, she seemed to not mind Toot's breasts, but tried to find the gold ring without looking and only used her fingers to use her sense of touch to get the ring for the video game hero. "Found it!" She handed the ring back to Xandir.
Xandir smiled, happily taking it as he 'powered up'. "That makes 100! Now I can jump with a spin!" He did just as he said what he could do with the ring.
Toot, Mike, and Captain Hero exchanged awkward glances. This made them all laugh. It was kind of a lame power-up. Even Ling-Ling was laughing.
'House guests, please report to the living room.' the producers on the intercom commanded like a principal in a public school.
Mike walked, wondering what was happening. "What's this about?"
"Since we've gone five days without a hate crime, we're rewarded with a new house item!" Wooldoor told her, beaming brightly. "I sure hope it's a new stereo."
"Yeah, I think ours has been handed down from the Flinstones." Mike gestured to the primitive record player with a pterodactyl to power it like in the ancient cartoon of Hanna-Barbera.
"Raw!" the flying dinosaur called before spinning the record. "It's a living..."
'Roomates,' the producers spoke after everyone was seated in the living room. 'We would like to reward you with... A brand new, 33 inch plasma...'
Everyone got excited, thinking it was a brand new TV. However, the curtains were raised to reveal something completely different.
'Sewing machine!'
"Booyah..." Captain Hero dully proclaimed.
"Cheer up, Mr. Hero," Wooldoor smiled regardless. "We could always sew a new television."
"That has to be the dumbest thing I heard since I taught those special ed classes," Spanky folded his arms. "Well, I could cheer for this... Kids could try harder..."
Ling-Ling was working at the sewing machine instantly like a professional. He had indeed sewn a television, much to everyone's surprise. There were even buttons for the television settings. Ling-Ling turned one of the knobs and turned it on like a real TV and Spanky was shown on the screen as a live recording of their episode for the week.
"Damn, that Asian thing sure can sew!" Spanky was impressed and grew Yen signs in his eyes like American cartoons with dollar signs. He even came up to the battle monster with a card. "Allow me to introduce myself... Spanky Ham... And you are?"
"My name Ling-Ling, dammit!" the battle monster screamed in instant anger and threw down the card. "Me live here long time and girl with boy name only understand me!"
"Well, Mr. Asian Gibberish, I got a business proposition with ya..." Spanky walked Ling-Ling out of the room.
"I don't like the sound of this..." Mike muttered. "So... A sewing machine... Neat... If only I had a use for one of these things..."
"One of us will get excited, you know who I'm talkin' about..." Captain Hero whispered to her with a smirk and looked to the video game character in the room. "The queer..."
"What's queer?" Mike asked.
"The male version of gay, you should know, cuz you're a little dyke."
"I'm not a lesbian..." Mike growled. "Besides, Xandir's not the type to be... Well, you know... Queer, whatever you call it..."
"Well, I for one am so glad we got a sewing machine," Xandir beamed. "I've been so looking forward to finishing my tea cozy..." He took out a purple teapot shaped house-like fabric. "Have you ever seen anything so adorable?"
Mike and Captain Hero exchanged glances with each other then.
"Xandir, I know it's none of my business... But... Are you... Gay?" Mike spoke up nervously.
"Captain Hero, stop influencing the youth, those jokes you make can be so hurtful!" Xandir sounded very sensitive about the subject.
"Come on, Xandir, we all know you're gay," Foxxy remarked. "You don't have to keep living a lie. You know, not everyone could tell I was black, I just tell everyone I fell into a vat of chocolate puddin'..." She then looked down to see Wooldoor licking her bare foot.
"Xandir, if you're gay, it's fine, even if some people think I am." Mike told the older boy with a small smile.
"Hellooo~" Xandir still refused to come out. "I'm on a never-ending quest to save my girlfriend! What more proof do you need?"
"How about this!?" Wooldoor spoke up and reached into his bottomless stomach and took out a board game entitled; 'Gay Test'.
"What's that?" Mike looked at the game in curiosity.
"It's a popular lie detector game where you find out if you're gay or not," Xandir took the game, growing intense. "And I'm gonna do it."
Later, Wooldoor ran the lie detector while Xandir stood over Mike and Foxxy sitting on a bed with the series of questions that came with the game to determine whether the player is gay or not like the game insisted.
"Okay, question number one," Foxxy read as Mike sat with her to help. "You gay?"
Xandir glared at her. "No!"
"Question two," Mike scooted over. "Homo say what?"
"First of all you two, I'm not an idiot," Xandir looked to them, hands on his hips. "I've heard that one like a million times! And secondly...Wait, what?"
Foxxy and Mike looked to each other with smirking giggles and laughed out loud, then settled themselves.
"Now, tell Mama Foxxy the first thing you see." Mike said as she handed the papers to her adoptive mother.
Foxxy took one out, nearly looking like an inkblot of a chicken.
"Cock." Xandir answered, he wasn't really wrong.
Foxxy took one out of a man.
"Willy."
Foxxy took one out of a Chinese man.
"Wang."
Foxxy took one out of Woody Woodpecker.
"Woody."
Foxxy took out another one.
"Wood."
And again.
"Pecker."
Foxxy took out one that Mike couldn't quite make out.
"Little Maine Custard Chucker."
Foxxy took one out of an old man with a cane.
"One-Eyed Wiggling Welshman."
Foxxy took out one of what looked like a sausage about to shoot a donkey in the butt and Xandir gave a very odd response. Later, everyone gathered for the final results.
"Well, according to this game, you're real gay." Foxxy told him.
"Well of course, Xandir's gay," Toot commented, then looked sultry again. "Why wouldn't he be attracted to all this?"
"Cuz you're fat and nobody likes fat chicks!" Wooldoor chuckled.
"Dude, I like fat chicks..." Captain Hero muttered.
"Ah, it's okay, Toot, I'll still be your friend." Mike smiled.
Toot smiled. "If you weren't so nice to me, I'd deep fry you and smother you in chocolate."
Mike's eyes widened, then felt grateful that she became friends with Toot.
"Let me see that box!" Xandir swiped the game, getting a closer look. "Hey, this says this gay test is for ages six to twelve! It doesn't even apply to me!"
"I have an idea that would help Xandir, it's called the dangerous and deadly wood beast." Clara piped up.
Everyone looked to her.
"Let's do it!" Wooldoor beamed.
"Yeah, settle this mess once and for all." Xandir added.
"Uhh, you guys go ahead, I gotta do something alone first." Mike said softly.
"Alright, let's go." Toot said, leaving with the others.
"I didn't know orphans could masturbate..." Captain Hero remarked, about why Mike wanted to be alone.
Mike sighed, rolling her eyes, then shut the door after they left. She made sure to lock it, then put the box down and tried out the test for herself. Mike looked all around and did the tests, feeling very close. She then shut her eyes as she calculated her results and opened one, looking down. She tested positive...
"I... I am a lesbian..." Mike muttered, her heart sunk in her chest.
The next day, Mike felt like she was having an identity crisis. She thought about her reputation. How would the people who once knew her think of her as being a lesbian now? She walked to talk with her new mother who would accept her no matter what, but saw she was with Clara and Spanky to get Xandir out of his room.
"What happened?" Mike asked.
"The wood beast had determined that Xandir is indeed a homosexual." Clara informed of last night's ceremony the tomboy was excluded from.
"Xandir, come on out," Foxxy spoke up after knocking. "It's cool that you're gay, stop beating yourself up... I told Mike from the day I adopted her if she was, I would love her no matter what... I would just be very proud if she did end up to become a lesbian since I'm a bisexual."
Mike blinked, then smiled.
"Seriously, Xandir, it's not your place to punish yourself, it's God's." Clara added.
Mike and Foxxy glared at the princess then.
"Leave me alone!" Xandir moaned. "I'm taking another gay test!"
"What?" Foxxy's eyes widened, then scoffed. "The only test than man needs is a pregnancy test."
"Oh, great, now I got two problems." Xandir heard that and muttered.
"Man, this is some bulls***, we need to bash some sense into this child." Foxxy pounded her fist into her hand. "Gay Bash!"
"What's a gay bash?" Mike asked.
"Come on, we'll show ya." Spanky smirked.
The others then grabbed Xandir out of his room and took him to the backyard of the house to show a party. There were many gay men, even transsexual drag queens. Mike looked around and saw despite what Clara said, that there were people that were actually happy to be gay. Even Snagglepuss and Elmer Fudd were there. Mike never thought them of all people would be gay. Captain Hero even met his evil counterpart there. Mike looked all around and accidentally bumped into someone on the way.
"Hey, watch it!" a familiar voice snapped.
Mike's eyes then widened as she saw the source of the voice. "Marie Kanker!?"
"Mike!" The blue-haired Kanker sister from the cul-de-sac in Peach Creek called out. "What are you doing here?"
"I live here!" Mike defended a little. "Don't you watch reality television?"
"Nah, I've been trying to find myself a new place ever since you left the cul-de-sac," Marie informed. "After you left, I decided to tell Mom, Lee, and May that I came out as a lesbian... They didn't take it well, so I've been on the road ever since."
"Dang," Mike muttered. "I just found out last night I'm indeed a lesbian..."
Marie blinked. "And?"
"Well... You know... I didn't know until last night, I got adopted by Foxxy Love, she says she'll care about me no matter what, and-"
"Whoa, back up," Marie cut her off quickly. "What do you mean adopted? What happened to your parents?"
Mike then explained to Marie what had been happening to her lately. She didn't leave the cul-de-sac because she moved away. She found out that Chuck and Mikhali Swanson were not her real parents and they had adopted her when she was four and she had no memory because her real parents were murdered that time ago. Mike then placed herself in a foster home after having problems finding her biological family, but Chuck and Mikhali had mentioned having a biological older brother named James and an older sister name Jennifer.
"Wow, Mike..." Marie muttered. "You're a lot stronger than you look..."
"Yeah, and I'm a lesbian..." Mike sighed.
"So? What's wrong with being a lesbian?" Marie beamed. "Lesbians rule! We can get away with being gay because straight guys think it's hot!"
"Why is that?"
"I dunno, usually guys are a bunch of perverts... Hey, that one ponytail's a good look for you."
"Um, thanks..." Mike blushed a little.
Marie smiled. "Why don't I give you a makeover if you're so scared of being a lesbian because of your reputation?"
"Oh, Marie, I couldn't make you do that..."
Marie grabbed her arm. "I want to... Come on!" She pulled Mike into the house. "Which one's your room?"
"That one." Mike pointed to the door.
"Awesome," Marie pulled her in and put her in a chair in front of the bathroom mirror. "Mike, being gay is nothing to be ashamed of... Sure, I stood up for myself and got thrown out because of what I believed in, but nobody likes it, who cares what they say?"
Mike hummed with a shrug. "Maybe you're right."
"I won't cut off too much now..." Marie took out a pair of scissors and started to trim about in Mike's ginger hair.
Mike bit her lip as she watched her hair fall out. Even the pigtails were gone. She had always had those pigtails since first grade. Marie made the hair go down and cover Mike's ears.
"How do you like it?" Marie asked.
"It's okay, I guess..." Mike stroked some of her hair, it bouncing back to her ears. She felt like a surfer dude now.
"You guess?" Marie scoffed. "Come on, Mike, you need to cut loose! You always did that on that island you were always talkin' about!"
"Yeah, I always said sometimes you just gotta go with it." Mike stood next to her.
"Come on, let's get you some new clothes," Marie walked with Mike over to the closet and opened to see short-sleeved red T-shirts, red skirts, and red and white sneakers. "Jeez, is this a closet or a factory of the same stuff over and over?"
"That's all I got..." Mike informed.
"Uh-uh, what about this?" Marie took out a red-hooded sweatshirt.
"But it's not cold outside."
"Mike, do you wanna blend in with the crowd or not?"
"Uhh... Well..."
"Right, that's what I thought, let's get you new shoes too, ooh, and these jeans!" Marie collected all the clothes and threw them on Mike. "Perfect!"
Mike looked down and had to admit, it wasn't that bad a makeover. "Wow, thanks Marie..."
"Don't mention it." Marie smiled. "Come on, let's get our gay bash on!" She grabbed Mike's hand and pulled her back downstairs to outside as Xandir seemed to be having a lot of fun until another video game character came.
"Is that Pacman?" Mike blinked.
"Yeah, why do you think he always eats the ghosts?" Marie joked, laughing.
"Ah, Mike, glad to see you out and about, did you just come out of your closet?" Foxxy joked as she came to see Mike and Marie. "Oh, I see you got yourself a bitch."
Marie glared at her. "What did you just call me, you-"
Mike covered her mouth instantly. "Mama Foxxy, this is my old friend from the cul-de-sac, Marie Kanker... Marie, this is my new mother, Foxxy Love. She's a mystery solving musician."
Marie blinked, then smiled better. "Right..." She shook hands with Foxxy. "I guess you're surprised that I'm out, right?"
"Not really, I could guess based on your appearance..." Foxxy replied, sounding indifferent as she walked off.
"She must be a cool mom." Marie snorted.
"Yeah, pretty cool." Mike shrugged with a smile. "So good to see you again, Marie."
"Yeah," Marie smiled, then yawned and stretched. "Well, I guess I better get back to my hotel... I'll see you again later, okay?"
"Leaving so soon?" Mike sounded sad.
"Ah, don't worry, Mike, I'll be back... Don't ever forget me."
"I never will."
Marie grabbed her face. "I know you won't..." She then pulled Mike's lips hard against hers, then pulled back with a smile and went off to catch the bus that was in the house's driveway.
Mike sighed as she watched Marie leave just like that.
The next morning, Mike saw Xandir, the house was a lot cleaner than it was before.
"I can't call her..." Xandir paced.
"What's up, Xandir?" Mike asked.
"Oh, Mike, Foxxy says I should call my girlfriend and tell her, but I'm afraid to..."
"Come on, what've you got to lose? ...Besides your girlfriend?"
"I-I can't..."
"Xandir, she has a right to know," Mike told him. "I told Eddy."
Xandir heaved a sigh. "You're right... Say, that's a good look for you."
"Really?" Mike smiled as she bounced her new hair. "I think it feels like the real me..." She chuckled a bit.
Xandir quickly dialed the number of his girlfriend and gripped on the phone cord as he was going to tell her the news. It didn't go so well. A tear rolled down his cheek as the girl hung up.
"Oh, man..." Mike felt that burn. She then heard the doorbell ring.
Mike went to the door and opened it to see a little Asian boy. "Yes?"
"Is there a talking pig here?" the boy asked.
"SPANKY! DOOR FOR YOU!" Mike yelled out as she let the pig attend to it.
Everyone else went in the kitchen while Xandir was depressed. It was tough enough to tell his girlfriend the news and now she didn't want to be rescued by him at all. Captain Hero was rambling, but Mike couldn't tell what about, she just ate crackers with Toot. There was then a yell heard.
"Oh, no, Xandir!" Mike cried out as she ran with the others.
"Oh, my God!" Foxxy was startled as they came to see the boy on the pool floor, having stabbed himself and in a puddle of his own blood.
Xandir then suddenly faded away, but came right back and it was shown he had 50 lives.
"Ooh, lord, thank God you ain't dead for real-real!" Foxxy smiled. "Just for play-play!"
"Good-bye, cruel world!" Xandir took out his blade and chucked it into himself again, falling again, but transporting right back.
"Cartoon physics..." Mike muttered.
"This could take a while..." Xandir told the others as he attempted to commit suicide, wasting his lives away.
Eventually, everyone got bored and Mike watched from her bedroom window. "He's down to 18!"
STAB!
"Make that 17." Mike yawned.
"Come to bed, child..." Foxxy pulled Mike over and tucked her in, despite being 12-years-old. "Now, if Mama Foxxy catches you commitin' suicide, you're grounded until your bones turn to dust... And if you touch Mama Foxxy's Funions, you will wish you committed suicide."
"Yes, Mama Foxxy..." Mike bundled down into her bed to get to sleep like the others.
No one could sleep though. Everyone came downstairs in their pajamas and decided to stop it once and for all.
"Dammit Xandir, you're keeping us all awake!" Toot scolded. "Can't you kill yourself more quietly like Bizarro Captain Hero did?"
"Uhh... Yeah, right, killed himself... Sure..." Captain Hero muttered, but smiled innocently. "Tragic..."
Xandir decided to take one last blade to finally kill himself off this planet.
"Wait, wait, maybe instead of trying to kill yourself, maybe you could just try stop being gay?" Clara lightly suggested.
Mike and Foxxy glared at her.
"Clara, that's just stupid!" Foxxy snorted. "Being gay is something you're born with. Like red hair or dead parents," she gestured to Mike as an example.
"Yeah, it's not just something you can wish away." Mike added.
"That's it, black girl and her orphan lackey!" Clara beamed. "We'll just wish the gay away! All we need to do is find a genie in the lamp."
"That's a great idea, let's do it!" Xandir gushed.
"And where would we find this genie and lamp?" Mike asked.
"Come with me, I know the secret location with someone hiding it and I know his true and only weakness." Clara beamed.
Later on, everyone met back. Clara had made muffins and they were for the person they were going to interrogate. The person was Wooldoor and instead of feeding the muffins to him, Clara hit him with the tray and demanded to be told the secret location.
"Tell us where the lamp is, you lousy, lying, piece of shit!" Clara snapped.
"Lamp?" Wooldoor asked, rubbing his head as he got hit again. "I don't know what you're talking about!"
"Cigarette?" Xandir offered one as he lit one for himself.
Mike wrinkled her nose and waved her hand, shaking her head. Clara and Xandir were rather scary. They kept yelling at, abusing, and swearing at Wooldoor, but the 'whatchamacallit' gave in and admitted the lamp was locked in his butt. Mike looked away instantly as they were going to get the lamp out that way. The lamp was now taken out.
"That was gross," Mike took the lamp with gloves on her hands. "Is this gonna have a magical genie come out that makes references only my parents understand?"
"What else would a genie do, Mike?" Clara asked, like it was obvious.
"Whatever," Mike walked away from her hand the lamp to Xandir. "Here you go, Xandir... Hopefully this makes you happy, I guess..." She handed it to him and walked off.
Foxxy was sitting on their bed in their room, reading a magazine, then looked over. "Hi, sweetie, how you doin'?"
"Okay, I guess, Mama Foxxy," Mike lay next to her, wanting some kind of comfort like only a real mother could. "Mama Foxxy, you said you'd love me no matter what, right?"
"Of course I would, I'll be better than my own family was," Foxxy smiled as she wrapped her arm around Mike. "What's on your mind, baby?"
"It's about Marie from the gay bash last night," Mike looked up to her. "I took the gay test too... And I found out that... Well... I am gay... I mean, I'm a lesbian..."
"Well, of course you are," Foxxy smiled. "You wore boxers under that skirt you used to wear. I'm glad you told me and finally come to accept it."
"You mean, you knew I was a lesbian?" Mike looked up to her adoptive mother.
"Mothers know these things and I'm a lot more proud of you because of it," Foxxy smiled fondly. "Does Marie like you back?"
Mike shrugged with a smile. "I think so... She gave me this makeover... Plus, she was my first kiss. She got kicked out of her own home because she decided she liked girls instead of boys."
"Well, I don't know Marie, but if you can see her again, be sure to stay close and maybe even get married."
Mike beamed, hugging her adoptive mother again. "Thanks, Mama Foxxy, you're the best foster mother I ever had."
"And you're the best baby I'll ever have." Foxxy hugged her back tightly.
