Chapter 4
Tuesday. Somehow Kyle had survived to see the day of his first date with Cartman. He stood in front of the bathroom mirror, examining every blemish on his face and every odd tuft of red hair. He glared at the reflection of his nose, long and narrow like a beak and his lips that were too puffy like a girl's. Why did he have such exaggerated goddamn features? He longed to look like Stan did, just a standard hottie. Stan wasn't too thin or short or ridiculously red-haired. Why couldn't he look like Stan?
Of course, it was just as easy to ask himself why he cared now. It wasn't like Cartman was a GQ model either. Cartman was better looking than Kyle, even with the excess weight. He was taller than six foot, a trait that Kyle envied desperately with easily managed brown hair and masculine sideburns. Yes, he was too plump, but there was also some muscle beneath the fat; Kyle had felt it. He'd delighted in the strength hidden beneath the adipose tissue. Then there was Cartman's face which was handsome in an understated way. He had long lashes on eyes that were a brown that could be called chocolate if the observer was prone to embellishment. His nose was a normal size, another point of envy for Kyle. His chin was weak, but his second chin had vanished over the years, another indicator that he was getting slimmer. It was probably just the height that allowed him to carry excess weight more gracefully.
Kyle was wearing two shirts, both button-ups. The inner shirt was white, the outer was black. He'd folded the white collar atop the black. He thought it looked really spiffy. Since the top was dressier than he thought it should be, he decided to balance it out by wearing jeans. He hoped that the outfit wasn't too formal for dinner with Cartman. He really didn't know what to expect. That was one thing about Cartman; he always kept Kyle on his toes. Kyle could predict Cartman's actions only in a vague sense and even then, he was sometimes completely mistaken.
There was still a part of him that worried when he showed up that Cartman would look at him and laugh. "Oh man, you thought I was serious?" he'd say while closing the front door on Kyle's red face. It wasn't paranoia; at least, it wasn't unjustified paranoia. Cartman had done way worse to him in the past. He was trying not to think about it as he grabbed his house keys and coat.
He passed his mom and Oliver on the couch as he headed out. "Wow, you're dressed up bubbe!"
Shit, he was hoping that she wouldn't notice. He'd lied to her and told her that he was having going over to Stan's. He was pretty sure he understood why his mom hated Cartman, the same reasons he did, and he didn't want to get her pissed off for no reason. He'd warned Stan ahead of time that he was being used as an excuse. When Stan had asked Kyle why he needed the excuse, he'd declined to answer. It had bothered Stan, but Kyle wasn't sure he was ready to talk about things with Cartman. After all, they hadn't even really had any time together as a couple yet. He thought it best to give this thing with Cartman some time. If it worked out, then he'd tell his best friend.
"Thanks," said Kyle ambiguously and dashed out the front door.
It wasn't a long walk to Cartman's house and he was actually looking forward to it. He needed time to think of what he was going to say, going to do. He regretted his spontaneous remark to Cartman on the phone. 'I'll provide the dessert.' Fuck, why had he gone and said something like that? It had been on a whim, partially brought on by Cartman's insinuation that they couldn't fuck because Kyle was grounded. That had made him feel comfortable enough to proceed to make an ass of himself. He'd contemplated bringing a pie or something, to get out of it, but he knew that Cartman had understood the message.
It had been really nice of Stan to hook him up with the guys through speakerphone. He'd felt like he was there with them, throwing out insults and making inane comments like he always did. It sucked that Kenny had had time off for once and Kyle had missed it. Ever since Thanksgiving, Kenny had been at Build-a-Bear constantly when he wasn't in school or deceased. Kyle had missed his friend.
It would be weird when fall rolled around, being in a school that didn't have Kenny in it, but Kenny had made perfectly clear that his educational obligations to God ended after high school. He didn't even want to try to build a career for himself. Even if Kenny was a little bit slow when it came to book smarts, he was really very wise for his age. He always seemed to know things before any of the others did. He'd figured out how the desire for sex ruled so many people back when they were in grade school, doing dirty things for money. There was an honesty about Kenny; he didn't try to pretend that the world was anything other than it was. He accepted the good and the bad and that just sort of muddle through it, trying to get the few things that he wanted.
During Freshman year, Kenny had become obsessed with not dying. He had worn padding underneath his clothes and a helmet. He'd safety-proofed his house and changed parkas just in case it was the orange that was making him an easy target. It was like he had just gotten fed up with the whole casual mortality thing. They'd had to come over to his house to visit him, since he refused to leave home for anything other than school. Of course, they didn't see much of him because they fucking hated going to Kenny's house. Kenny's parents were drunks, there was a myriad of children running around that Kyle couldn't honestly say were all Kenny's siblings, and there was nothing to do and no food to eat. After Paul Bunyan had crushed Kenny's house underfoot while training for a mythological marathon, he'd stop trying to fight fate. He'd helped his father rebuild the house after he'd come back to life and went back to being normal Kenny.
As he neared Cartman's house, Kyle got more nervous. This was going to be really weird. Would Cartman's mom be around? Kyle knew that she would be the one that made the dinner, but would she eat with them? More than that, did Cartman tell her that it was a date? Kyle's stomach clenched as he walked up the path to Cartman's front door. He'd been waiting too long for this. He hadn't just been waiting during the three days of his punishment, but also the long years since he'd realized his feelings for Cartman.
He rang the doorbell. Almost immediately, Cartman opened it. Relief flowed through him. Cartman was dressed up too! He had on black jeans and a long sleeve button shirt. Cartman smiled at him. "Hey Jew-boy," he greeted, the excitement evident in his eyes. "So, the bitch finally let you out huh?"
Cartman stood back a bit to allow Kyle to enter the house. He didn't give much room though and he brushed against Cartman as he walked inside. Kyle was sure that had been deliberate. He stepped into the warmly decorated house. There was a half-assed attempt at a Christmas tree in the living room decorated with a crazy amount of tinsel. Beneath that were more presents than Kyle had ever seen under one tree. There were two stockings hung up on the wall that led to the kitchen. One was bursting with stuff. It smelled like peppermint, warm cookies, and fir tree.
"Wow," said Kyle. "It looks like Christmas in here."
Cartman laughed. "Those of us that didn't crucify the savior think this is an important holiday."
He looked back at Cartman and glared. Cartman, who had closed the front door and was now leaning back on it, didn't seem to mind a bit. He was looking oddly comfortable and… happy. Kyle wasn't used to seeing Cartman look happy. It fit oddly on him, like hand me down pants, but it was something that Kyle still wished happened more often.
Now feeling more at ease, Kyle walked to the Christmas tree and inspected the decorations that were barely visible under the wall of silver slivers. "Oh my god!" he exclaimed, pulling one out so that he could look at it closer. "I remember this one!"
Cartman approached him, looking over his shoulder. "Yeah, first grade I think."
The ornament was made out of that clay that hardens in the oven. It had been shaped into a very unconventional oval and then painted on. The paints used had been the inexpensive kinds that only came in the primary colors. Kids had to mix them together to get the colors that they needed. Only it seemed that more often than not, a mixture would produce a green tinged with grey. It was a Christmas tree and it had a little yellow blob next to it that was supposed to be Cartman. "I remember you painting this," Kyle said. His face turned over his shoulder to look at Cartman.
"That was a long ass time ago," said Cartman, as if he didn't believe Kyle.
Kyle shook his head. "Not that long." Then he touched at the Christmas tree's yellow blob star. "I tried to make a Menorah, but it came out like a big yellow splat. When I was feeling bad about it, you teased me saying that I deserved it for being Jewish."
Cartman's breath touched Kyle's ear when he spoke. "Guess it hasn't been that long then." Kyle felt Cartman's large hand cover his shoulder. "You're still a Jew."
Kyle replied, unmoving and basking in his proximity to Cartman. "And you're still an asshole." He heard Cartman's smile.
Liane entered then. "Oh hello Kyle."
Cartman's hand was off him faster than a lightning bolt and they both fidgeted guiltily, Kyle still holding the Christmas ornament. She watched them as they attempted to look innocent and natural. It made her hesitate for a second, but then, she smiled brightly and said, "Happy Hanukkah!"
Actually, Hanukkah didn't start until the next day, but it was nice of her to remember that he didn't celebrate Christmas. "Happy Hanukkah!" he said back.
Cartman groaned. "Oh, don't humor him mom." He headed over to the couch and plunked down. "We can't start treating the Jews like their beliefs matter."
There was a lack of surprise from Liane; she must be used to her son's horribly racist ways. Hell, Kyle had gotten used to it and he was often its target. "Dinner is ready whenever you two boys are."
"'Bout time!" declared Cartman, rising from the couch. He headed into the dining room. As he brushed past his mom, he whispered something to her and pecked her forehead. Kyle beamed. He was positive that Cartman had said thank you before kissing her. What was up with this discreetly polite Cartman and what did he have to do to get this side?
Kyle followed Cartman into the dining room. It had been set with a tablecloth and real cloth napkins. Cartman was fetching some glassware from the cupboard. When he saw Kyle enter the room, he bragged, "I set the table."
"You want a… medal?" He'd almost said the F word in front of Liane. Even though she was a crack whore, Kyle had been raised well enough to try not to swear in front of adults.
"Hey!" said Cartman. Then he mumbled while placing the glasses on the table.
Kyle grabbed a chair. "Okay to sit here?" The table was round so it wasn't that important, but he didn't want to usurp Liane's chair if she was going to be eating with them.
"Sit anywhere you'd like Kyle," said Liane, rinsing something in the sink.
He stuck his tongue out at Cartman as he sat down. Cartman carried a butter dish over to the table with his middle finger displayed towards Kyle who didn't even pretend not to be amused. "Are you gonna sit down woman?" Cartman asked his mom.
"Oh, yes, I was just going to put some flowers into this vase as a centerpiece," she explained.
Cartman sat down at the table and rolled his eyes at Kyle. "We're guys mom, we don't care about faggy flowers."
Liane turned from the sink, the flowers tucked neatly inside the vase she held. She was always so damn cheerful. Kyle couldn't comprehend how a woman that lived her kind of life could always be so upbeat. Maybe it had something to do with the drugs. If he was Cartman's mom, he'd probably take drugs too. Then Kyle felt bad for thinking an insult so low that he wouldn't even use it.
She placed the flowers on the table. It obscured half of Kyle's view of Cartman's face. It was a nice idea though. He smiled at her gratefully.
Cartman growled. "See mom? Now we can't even see over them!"
Liane frowned, but only for a second. "Oh you're right p… Eric. I'll just set these aside for now. They can go on the table when we're all done eating." Her floral bubble sufficiently popped, she sat down.
The spread before them was impressive. The focus of the meal was a golden honey ham, which looked really good to Kyle and he wished that he could eat it. All the little plates around it though were plenty to be considered a meal. There were mashed potatoes, candied yams, buttery corn, fluffy biscuits, green beans with almond slivers, and cheesy poofs. The meal could easily have fed ten people, but it was only the three of them. Not for the first time, Kyle understood why Cartman had always had weight issues.
"So Kyle, your mother tells me that you're going to community college in the fall. Have you decided on a major?"
Kyle was surprised to hear that his mom even talked to Liane with how notoriously judgmental Sheila Brofloski was, let alone that they were discussing him. Cartman looked interested in his response. Kyle never talked about college around Cartman, because he didn't want to come across as more brainy than he was and because he had the impression that Cartman wasn't planning on going further in school.
"Um, no. My dad used to talk about me being a lawyer like him, but um, he doesn't really care much anymore. I've thought about teaching maybe."
Liane nodded at him. Cartman snickered. "Are you going to use a sock puppet?"
Kyle laughed. "Mr. Garrison was such a messed up teacher!" He had put more food onto his plate than he thought that he could eat. It was hard to gauge since there was just so much damn food on the table.
"I think that teaching would suit you," Liane said. "You've always been such a bright boy."
Her compliment embarrassed him. He shoved some green beans in his mouth to avoid having to reply. For once, Cartman didn't take the opportunity to mock him. "Were you ever interested in the lawyer thing or just thinking of doing it because your dad does?"
Kyle thought about it. He liked the idea of helping the justice system, putting criminals away, but most of what his dad did was just the stupid things like divorces or property disputes. He knew that he could never be an attorney for anyone that he knew was guilty either. Finally, he shook his head. "No, I never wanted to."
"Good thing that he lost interest then," said Cartman off-handedly. That pissed Kyle off. Cartman was one of the few people that knew just how badly he was taking this thing with his parents, so he shouldn't be so cavalier about it. After Cartman finished chewing though, he added, "It's better that you're happy than living up to someone's expectations."
That actually made some sense, though Kyle was still a bit bristled. "What are you going to go to school for Cartman?" He was baiting him a bit. Cartman wasn't smart enough to handle college.
Cartman didn't seem to notice that it was meant meanly. He shrugged. "I'm not going to college. You ever notice that guys that make a lot of money never have degrees?" Kyle hadn't, but he didn't say so. "I'm gonna figure out a way to be really rich without all that bullshit school."
Kyle thought back to all of Cartman's various ten million dollar schemes. Yes, if anyone could pull off getting rich without really having to work at it, it could be Cartman. "Kenny's not going either," he said.
"That's cause he can't afford it," snickered Cartman. "He's going to be the guy that pumps the gas into my limo."
Even though he knew that Cartman was just blowing smoke out his ass, he shook his head. "I don't think that Kenny is going to ever be near a gas station again after that Shell station exploded."
"Oh yeah." Cartman pondered that for a second. "He was dead a long time after that one."
Liane added, "Shame about all those wildebeests."
The meal moved slowly. The strain of having to talk with a friend's mother wasn't as noticeable as it could have been. Kyle found Liane to be a pleasant conversationalist and a great listener. Any time that Cartman talked, she would hang on his words as if they were proclamations from above. She also added some interesting tidbits of her own to the conversation.
It wasn't until the meal was already winding down and even Cartman was getting full that Liane's cell phone rang. Cartman whined, "On Christmas eve mom?"
Liane looked guilty for a minute. Then, she reached into her pocket and answered. "Hello?" she purred. "Oh, that sounds fun! I can be there in fifteen minutes. Yes, $75 a pop."
Kyle watched Cartman's face during this interaction. He saw the wall of coldness build itself back up behind Cartman's eyes. Damn, maybe it wouldn't be so great to have Liane as a mom.
After she hung up the phone, Liane stood up from the table. "I'm sorry poopy-kins. Work calls." She kissed the top of his head. "I'll be home late." Before she left the room, she remembered Kyle. "Oh, and it was so nice of you to join us!"
Kyle muttered a thank you, though he was glad just to have her out of the room. Cartman forced a little more food into his mouth, attempting normality as Liane stomped about upstairs, preparing for her work. Once she had left the house though, Cartman stopped eating. He carried his dish to the sink and began to rinse it.
Kyle sat uncomfortably at the table, looking down at his plate. He hated to see Cartman unhappy. He grabbed his plate and placed it on the counter next to the sink. The sight of Cartman being domestic would have been amusing in any other situation.
Kyle wrapped his arms around Cartman, whose body jumped at the unexpected touch. His hand slid around Cartman's hips and joined at the front of his belly. His forehead rested on the ample back in front of him. He was waiting for a response from Cartman since he wasn't sure if this was okay. Cartman stopped washing dishes and the two stood together like that, Cartman's hands beneath the running faucet.
There it was again, that feeling of safety. Kyle knew it was more than just being snuggled against Cartman's bulk. It was how he'd felt the whole time he'd been bandaged up by Cartman. He truly believed that Cartman would protect him from anything. Maybe it was giving too much credit to the boy who had in fourth grade given him AIDs, but it was how he felt at that moment.
Kyle was relieved when Cartman's wet hand covered his, no doubt soaking his shirt. A thumb moved across Kyle's hand, caressing it tenderly.
Cartman sighed. "Fuck Kyle, what are you doing to me?" he whispered. Kyle had literally never before felt the kind of elation he felt at those words. Not even Cartman turning around and kissing him trumped hearing him actually confess to caring. Kyle hadn't ever felt so special before; he'd captured the affection of Eric the terrible.
The height difference made things a bit uncomfortable for him since he had to stand on tip-toe. He figured that it must be worse for Cartman, having to hunch over, so he broke off from Cartman. "Upstairs?" he suggested. He saw the surprise in Cartman's eyes. Yes, it might be a bit forward, but it beat kissing in awkward positions over a sink full of dishes. He didn't even wait for a response before grabbing Cartman's hand and pulling him back towards the living room.
"Wait a second you eager trollop," snapped Cartman. Kyle allowed Cartman to release his hand. He could tell from the colorful insult that everything was fine, so he watched impatiently as Cartman went back to the sink and turned off the faucet. Kyle received a pointed glare, but he took it as a good sign. Cartman leaned down and pressed his lips to Kyle's, then straightened up. "What're you waiting for?"
Kyle gave Cartman a shove as he went past. The two slapped, poked, and shoved on the walk up to Cartman's room, behaving not like the near adults that they were, but like excited eight-year olds. In a way, it was a bit like returning to those times before Kyle had started feeling awkward with Cartman. They were just boys goofing off.
Kyle was first to arrive at the bedroom door, but as he placed a hand on the knob, he was yanked by the back of his coat collar. He stumbled backwards as Cartman darted to the door ahead of him. Kyle squinted his eyes in a glare as Cartman opened it and entered the room.
"And that's why…" Cartman started, turning around in a winner's posture, then was suddenly cut off by Kyle launching into his stomach. They were propelled several feet until Cartman's legs collided with the bed. They both landed heavily, Cartman on the bed and Kyle atop him. They laughed.
Kyle sat up and straddled Cartman's hips. This was a bit tricky since Cartman wasn't completely on the bed his knees bent over its side. He grabbed hold of Kyle, keeping him where he was, while repositioning himself. Kyle waited like a rag doll as Cartman's legs and ass shimmied and bounced until he was lying full-length across the bed. It was erotic in a tender way. Kyle appreciated that Cartman hadn't wanted him off, even while rearranging their position. He also liked that Cartman's hands stayed on his waist even after they were moved.
Kyle's hands pressed down on Cartman's expansive chest. There was no mistaking the desire he saw in those deep brown eyes or felt pressing against his ass. He leaned down to kiss Cartman whose eyes closed expectantly. When their lips touched, Cartman's hold tightened. Kyle's lower lip caressed Cartman's while his tongue licked playfully at Cartman's upper lip. The hours of making out they'd done on Friday had introduced Kyle to what Cartman liked, kiss-wise, and he felt rewarded by Cartman's shiver at his tongue play.
Leaning back up, Kyle's hands moved downward from Cartman's chest to the hill of his belly. He was sitting on where his hands wanted to go. He raised up a bit so that he was sitting on his knees rather than Cartman's pelvis. His hands moved lower, over Cartman's belt, to an area of Cartman that had been a mystery to Kyle for years. He'd seen Cartman naked many times in their childhood, but Kyle didn't know how he'd developed since then. Their gym teacher didn't enforce any shower policies, so no one ever had to get naked after PE.
As his hands reached the hard lump, annoyingly undefined beneath the thick denim, Cartman grabbed his wrists. Surprised, he looked at Cartman for explanation. "Damn Kyle, do you have to do that?"
Kyle was confused. "How else would we get started?"
Cartman's eyes widened. In an instant, Cartman was pushing, more like guiding gently really, Kyle off. "Started?" Cartman sat up, turning his body away from Kyle. "Jesus."
Was this the moment when Cartman would reveal that it had all been a prank? 'No, it couldn't be,' thought Kyle. He had felt Cartman's arousal first-hand, knew without a doubt that Cartman, or at least his penis, wanted him. Angrily, Kyle demanded, "What?"
He noticed then that Cartman was shaking. His hand involuntarily reached out and placed a hand on one shaking shoulder. "Cartman?"
"You want to have sex," said Cartman.
Fucking of course he did! Kyle had been shamefully attracted to Cartman for years! He'd been one of Kyle's first masturbatory fantasies. Yes, a lot of the time that he'd been carrying this fucked up torch had been hell for him and he'd wished for it to go away harder than he had wished for his parents to get back together, but they were here now. Cartman had kissed him, groped him, even invited him to Christmas dinner. How was it strange then for Kyle to want that physical intimacy?
Kyle was angry with the righteous indignation that only Cartman could stir in him. "Of course I want to have sex!" he practically yelled at Cartman's insensitive back.
"I don't…" whispered Cartman.
Kyle lost it, he was Hulk-enraged. "What the fuck do you mean? You invited me over! You flirted with me, you made out with me, and…and…" He was so mad that he was having trouble thinking.
Cartman turned towards him, one leg Indian-style on the bed. There were unshed tears in his eyes. Kyle's anger perished, even before Cartman explained himself. "I don't want to… yet." He sighed and blinked rapidly, trying to fan the tears with his eyelids. "Look, I know we've known each other forever, but we haven't known each other like this..." He spread his arms out to indicate the bed they were sitting on.
Cartman went silent and closed his eyes. The trembling stopped and when he reopened them, they contained the same self-satisfied look that he always had. He shrugged. "I want to wait."
Kyle had not yet formed an opinion about Cartman's words because he was still processing them. "You want to wait?"
"Yes."
"To have sex?" Kyle asked.
"Yes." This time there was annoyance in his voice, as if Kyle was being unbelievably dense.
"Until we're married?" asked Kyle, uncomprehending.
Cartman laughed and rolled his eyes. "No you fucking ass ranger! Just wait a while." He looked away as if embarrassed; he probably was. "Wait until we know each other this way."
From out of the confusion and receding anger, Kyle was beginning to feel a new emotion. What Cartman was saying was… romantic. Having never had anyone be romantic towards him, Kyle was shocked by the effect it was having on him. Cartman wanted to wait to make it more special. "That's really gay."
Cartman thunked back onto the bed, pouting. "Whatever. I'm not the one suggesting butt sex."
The gesture was still hitting Kyle in little waves. It didn't occur to him until after he'd curled up next to Cartman's warm body how he was reacting to the turn of events. He was swooning; God help him.
He nuzzled into Cartman's arm and he raised it so that Kyle could rest his head on Cartman's arm nook. Cartman's hand petted his arm slowly. They lay there contently.
"So, I guess we should talk then," suggested Kyle.
They did. Lying in Cartman's bed, they talked for hours.
Cartman told Kyle about his secret plans to one day rule a country and how after graduation he wanted to take his jalopy on a road trip. He also talked about bad things like how it was growing up with a crack whore mother and the time that he had accidentally killed a cat with his car and was so shook up that he'd called in sick to school for a week. They laughed at his retelling of the time that he'd locked Butters in a bomb shelter and when he'd found the brown noise causing everyone in the world to lose bowel control.
Kyle vented more about his absent dad. He explained to Cartman how it felt when he'd cut himself. He confessed about having that short-lived crush on Stan and how he liked to sneak to the kitchen for sugary products while his mom was asleep.
They laid in various positions, always touching while they talked. Eventually, near midnight, Cartman asked Kyle if he should be getting home.
Kyle smiled deviously. "I told her I was sleeping over at Stan's."
Cartman raised an eyebrow at that. "Presumptuous slut," he'd replied.
"Well, if you don't want me to stay over, I could still go to Stan's…"
Cartman growled. "I think your sleepovers with that little pecker are over."
Surprisingly, Kyle only felt warmed by the demonstration of jealousy. He stroked Cartman's round cheek. "Can I stay then?"
Cartman nodded and kissed him.
They got ready for sleep. Kyle had only mouthwash and he envied Cartman's toothbrush. Cartman's hands never left his body for long. Kyle's poor confused penis attempted to cope with all the faux foreplay.
Finally, they crawled back under the covers, this time for sleep. Kyle slept in his underwear while Cartman wore pajamas. They curled up and waited for the sandman to come.
"Hey Jew," whispered Cartman. "Happy Hanukkah."
Kyle smiled. He would never have expected to hear that from Cartman. It made him feeling like being shocking back. "Merry Christmas… Eric."
